#647 - DR PHIL (ADAM RAY) - HEB ARENA DAY ONE

Hey, this is red band and you're listening to the death squad podcast network. this episode of kill tony and every episode of kill tony can be found at death squad dot tv. and don't forget to check out everything tony hinchcliffe at tony hinchcliffe dot com and the sunset strips, my new comedy club in austin texas. go to sunset strip at x dot com. and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony.

back on my stand-up tour at the end of january, hitting all the spots that i didn't hit on the fully grown tour before this vancouver, portland and seattle. you're next january 25th, 26th and 27th, and then los angeles, california. i do stand up denver, colorado, cleveland, pittsburgh, boston, baltimore, salt lake city, san jose, dallas, houston, st louis, nashville, fort lauderdale and orlando. i'm so pumped for these upcoming dates, really excited for you to see it, taking some of my favorite openers with me. you may recognize some of them.

thank you.

yes, everyone here we go, here comes.

oh, shit, okay, fuck, yes, make some fucking noise for heat.

sometimes tell people that i was never born.

but yet old enough to fuck your mother.

you gotta start buying them suits from the car wash nigga.

the mexicans caught you coming, nigga, my friend, my friend, you want, did your uh? did your gym burn down?

evidently he doesn't give a fuck how fat he gets.

if y'all don't fuck with here, tony, you're a pussy, nigga.

if you don't fuck with tony hinchcliffe, you a pussy, nigga.

hi, suck my dick and my pussy and my crack. we'll be right back.

oh my god, he's licking the dog. i'm her mama.

he hurt. master boy. you look like a useless x-man, nigga yo.

his special power is that his uh toenails get real long.

we did not even get to the most interesting thing about all right. stop playing music, stop playing music. well, they accused me of leading the pledge of allegiance on the capital.

steps on january 6th. were you there? i cannot confirm or deny.

freedom. where are you sleeping tonight? okay, okay, do you know where you're gonna park your car?

wherever i can find a spot. i guess, uh as uh, being raised by a sweet jewish single mom, i can't let you sleep in your fucking car tonight. i'm gonna get you a hotel for three nights here in austin. oh, look at that. yeah, oh, my god, wow, just keep grinding man.

um november 18th. i'm doing the celebrity theater in phoenix, arizona, november 18th. that is a massive one of the biggest theaters in your hometown. would you like to do a guest spot on, uh?

i'm going on tour in october to florida to do six dates you want to open for me.

he got a dog.

yeah, first of all, what a fuck. i've seen it on youtube a thousand times, but in person i'm fucking real. it's such a great show. it's hard, it's like. you know it's really not scripted, yeah, but it feels like it because it gets so fucking out of hand.

that tony's the master. he is so sharp. he's so sharp. he's so good at being a host of one of those.

and now please rise for your national anthem presented by double grammy-nominated cma.

new artist of the year, jelly roll.

what's up?

there was no way i was missing. kill tony labb at a motherfucking arena.

now, please join me, and you're not only encouraged. is it expected that you help me sing the greatest song for the greatest country on earth?

don't let me down. are y'all ready austin?

i still got music here. there we go, thank you, i got scared. i'm already too high to be singing such an important song, so you're gonna have to help me.

were so gallantly streaming?

And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. As loud as you can!

O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave?

coming to you live streaming around the world from austin, texas, at the hgp center. y'all, get ready for my fucking brother, kill tony.

whoo.

Who's ready for the best fuckin' night of their lives tonight?

Austin, I think you could do a little fuckin' better than that.

Make some noise for Brian Redman, everybody here, live, in the flesh.

This is Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world.

We're in a fuckin' arena, we're doin' it, people.

The unthinkable, absolutely unthinkable. From the belly room to the main room, to the fuckin' everywhere in between, this is it. You're at the first ever Kill Tony in an arena. This is unbelievable.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.

That is OG member Jetski, Jessie Johnson on her trumpet, the great Paul Diemer on the horns, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, James Atkins on percussion, the great, absolutely amazing Dane Relaford on the keys, madman Matt Muehling on the electric, the leader of the band, John Dees on the keyboard, and the absolute backbone and charisma, the one and only Dee, Madness, ladies and gentlemen.

another way.

There was no doubt in my mind who I wanted for this show. One guest, one guest only. I said, who cares about hype or celebrity, or this or that?

I want funny.

You guys like funny? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a guest. He's only been on this show one time before, but my God, he left an imprint like none other. I do believe a 100% approval rating. I present to you a man that I've worked with for 17 years, a renegade of show business.

Austin, make some fucking noise if you're feeling good tonight.

It's a good night to be alive.

It's a good night to wear that hat.

I lost my virginity here. I'm looking to lose it again tonight. We gonna have a good time, or what? Let's fucking go.

He is back, ladies and gentlemen. One of the greatest guests in the history of the show, Dr. Phil. He helps people. He leads their lives in the right direction and is also absolutely hilarious.

Well, I got to be honest, Tony, the reception I've received on YouTube, and I don't read the comments. I read the Pornhub comments, which, by the way, my man, good to see you. Anal69 at Yahoo.com up front.

We ain't going anywhere.

Dr. Phil, you've done it before. We're in it again.

Look at Red Band's mustache. Look at that fucking, look at that AIDS mobile.

I did it for you, Dr. Phil. You look good.

You're paying homage.

I dig it. Good to see you, brother.

He looks great. He looks like Brenty Mercury.

Stop.

Here we go. Here we go.

So very exciting stuff, Dr. Phil. You know how it works. We actually have an entire, can you light up the comic section?

Do we have lights on that?

There it is.

We have that comic section light. There's an action. There they are. Look at these motherfuckers. Wow.

For those of you that have wondered what it looks like, that's what it is. A lot of people on the inside have signed up, too.

We're gonna try to run it. This is our first arena, so it's practice for us, too. We're gonna see how it goes. Comedians, how you guys doing tonight?

You good?

Chaos.

So they literally don't know.

You're gonna get to watch in real time someone go from sitting on their ass to having the opportunity of their lifetime.

Tony, if they're there, who's working at Petco right now?

You guys are fucking.

Keep riding that magic school bus, player. A lot of characters and creatures in that fucking corner, I'll tell you that much. I'd buy Coke from probably 60% of them.

You live a wild life, Dr. Phil.

Well, it's 2023, about to be 2024.

I fucking love it.

I'm excited. So you guys know how it works. If I pull one of these names out of the bucket, that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, ladies and gentlemen.

Which.

What is this? What the fuck? Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

He's coming. Holy shit.

The actual West Hollywood bear is here, ladies and gentlemen. For the first time ever in his history, he's here.

He's live in the flesh.

He made it all the way out.

Hey, get out of here.

Hey, you forgot one.

Get out of here. There you go.

You have to throw dildos at him to make him go away.

Go ahead and put that last one in my green room, bear.

So there you have it. We're going to start the fucking show. You guys ready?

Let's fucking do it, baby.

There's only one way to start an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. This guy is in for the fight of his life tomorrow night. He has put his regular ship on the line. Two and a half years of full-time spots. We've watched him progress from absolutely nothing to a full-time, selling out stand-up comedian, a global attraction.

Hans Kim! Hans Kim! Hans Kim! This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim!

What's up?

I think catcalling is horrible, but without catcallers, female comedians would have to write their own premises.

Write your own jokes, bitch.

I like how, when men want to insult each other, we just call each other women.

All right, that's my time. Thank you.

Yeah, okay.

Hans Kim, what a solid performance.

This is actually from Amazon.

And you wore that right out of the little bag, folded, right? I didn't tell you, you can see the fold marks in it still.

I think I still have the tag on it. Oh my God!

Oh, my God. Wow.

Of course it does.

It is incredible, Hans. You got the tag on. Are you planning on returning it to Amazon?

I was thinking that would be a cool story, to do an arena in a shirt and then return it to Amazon.

Yeah, well, that fucking backfired.

Probably 17.

All right, next question, Tony?

Amazing. And how's life been going, Hans? How did that feel, an arena?

That felt amazing. This is a dream come true.

Thank you guys so much. Yeah.

Oh yeah.

Now. Hans has done a lot of arenas before. Normally in the round, he's famously opened for Joe Rogan many times. And tomorrow night, you fight for your absolute existence on the show. In an absolute barn burner of a battle, it's you versus Rick Diaz.

Holy shit.

How you feeling, Hans? You nervous? You excited? You hard?

I am hard and excited. I respect bookies a lot more than I have ever respected them. They know their comedy is what I think. Because I feel like Rick has very basic comedy.

Hell yeah.

Wow.

Now. is there any way we could do, like if I threw something at you right now, would you have a, are you ready for that sort of back and forth with Rick tomorrow night? Yes. So if I was Rick and I said, Hans, you look like you eat pussy with chopsticks. What would you say?

I would say, Rick, you can't eat anything because there's a space between your teeth. And you can't bite down on anything. Oh, flag on the play.

Flag on the play. Very controversial response there.

Yeah, it got weird.

You would still have, the teeth, would still work. Some food would get stuck between, but he could still eat things.

I would say, Rick, you're a little bitch.

There we go. And he's back. And he's back. Saved it.

Amazing. Amazing. But you've prepared hard for tomorrow night's battle?

Yes. I have a couple jokes about, you know.

Hamas?

Yes. I don't want to spoil it. I won't say it, but it's about genocide.

Ooh, I like it.

I'm just kidding. It's not going to be about genocide.

Now is that a topic you'd bring up on a first date with a gal, Hans?

Yeah, I mean, why keep it basic? Let's go to the next level.

Yeah. Well, let's pretend I'm a gal of the night. real quick, okay? And I'm sitting across from you at a P.F. Chang's or wherever your dad sells fireworks.

I'd say I would, but there's a genocide happening in Gaza right now.

Okay. And that'd probably be the end of that date, but that's funny. I love it. I can't wait.

You're in an arena. Did your girlfriend make it here tonight?

Nope. She's not here. Wow. She's sick. She apparently has a good excuse.

There you go. This sounds like everything's right on schedule with your relationship.

Well, Hans, you got us started here tonight. We're going to keep it moving along, and we're pumped for your performance tomorrow night.

Thank you.

This could technically be his second to last set ever on the show.

Oh.

One more time for the great Hans Camp. And here we go. Bucket poll number one starts now. This is the moment I've been waiting for for a long time.

When I pitched this idea to my agent to do the show in an arena,

he said, you think people are really going to.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, shit.

The Yellow Rose presents Heidi, everybody.

We have bucket pool girls tonight.

Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Look at all the angry white women in the front row just hating this moment.

What the fuck did you bring me to? This is supposed to be a fucking comedy.

Oh, my God. Dr. Phil.

I'm married, Tony.

Dr. Phil, I got to say. I got to say, Dr. Phil, that ass looks like it's been Dr. Phil.

Funny, funny.

All right, let's see what happens here. Let's light up these comedians and see what we got.

Make some noise for Yasmina Coker, everybody. Yasmina Coker. Oh, there she is. All right. In real time.

Here she comes.

The person in the farthest corner, of course.

Thank you, destiny.

Hell, yeah. You guys fucking excited to be here tonight, or what?

On two nights ahead. And so it has begun. Hans Kim and your first bucket full. Oh, I was saying my agent said, you think people are really going to want to see people's first times or an amateur in an arena? Make some noise for Yasmina Coker.

What's up, Austin?

This is my first time ever doing comedy. I came here tonight with my beautiful boyfriend and honestly, we had an amazing travel here. We got on the train and I had no clue that I was going to come up here tonight.

I'm honestly just so blessed that I made it here tonight and able to see all your beautiful faces. And honestly, Tony, I'm a big fan of you. Me and my boyfriend have been watching you for a while now.

OK,

Yes.

Yasmina Coker. Wow.

Dr. Phil. Well, right off the bat. It's been a personal goal of mine to always meet the real live version of what if Willy Wonka fucked Jada Pinkett Smith?

Why?

I'm not even going to lie to y'all. We saw that. Yeah, I had stuff.

But then, like as soon as I got up here, I forgot.

So have you done stand up comedy before?

I've never done stand up comedy ever in my life.

Never done. stand up ever in your life.

You're the first bucket full of the night.

It's literally never happened. Nobody has ever debuted in an arena before. So how about a hand for that?

We can at least give her that.

It was terrible. It was, god awful. You completely bombed.

Technically, no one's bombed this hard ever before in an arena either. It was absolutely incredible. Did you prepare for this?

No. Honestly, no.

You didn't prepare. What made you sign up tonight?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, let me go first. Boo! No,

I'm just joking, but also a little bit of truth.

Yeah.

What made you sign up for this tonight?

I had the confidence that.

Right in the tip of that microphone. Talk into that. Oh, okay.

I had the confidence and I was just being confident.

Confident? Yeah.

But you didn't prepare anything. I didn't. I didn't.

Go ahead.

Do. you do a lot of things with confidence that you're not prepared or built for at all? You ever take the field in an NFL game, throw on a jersey and just get hit or anything like that?

Actually, I joined my college soccer team and I thought I was confident and I thought I was going to do good. And my coach told me no.

So, sometimes I try to be prepared.

Today was one of those days. I was not prepared. Wow. Unbelievable.

Jesus fucking Christ, Red Band.

Yeah.

How about like a slip and slide sound effect instead of a fucking AK-47, you psycho?

All right.

Now, what was your first name? Jasmine?

It's Yasmina.

Who is it?

Yasmina.

Tasmania. Yasmina.

Yasmeen.

Yes, with a Y. Yasmeen. Yasmeen.

So, was there.

Cool name.

Okay. So, you got the cool name. You got the cool outfit. You had the confidence and the swagger. But you just fucking went blank, man on us, Damon Wayans style.

Is there anything interesting about.

I'm bisexual.

You're a bisexual. Bisexual. Okay, great. Okay.

Well, I'm interested in what that means to you.

I like eating vagina and sucking dick.

Okay, well, you got me on the first thing, yeah.

Wow, look at that. That's incredible.

Okay, now.

My guess is there's a lot more vagina being eaten, though, am I correct here? I have a boyfriend that I've been with for two years now.

Let's go.

Oh, okay. All right, have you guys had like threesomes and things like that?

I plead the fifth.

Okay, so yes, we also would have accepted.

That's an interesting thing of all the things to avoid. What do you do for a living?

I am self-employed. I am an entrepreneur.

Okay, an entrepreneur. Yeah.

All right.

Well, yes, Fina, I mean, the people do not like you.

Normally, if this was L.

People would be wiping their tears away.

But, my sweet love, you're in the goddamn middle of Texas right now, and you done fucked up.

I will say I always try to empathize when someone eats a big pile of shit like she just did. No, because we've all been there, and you got to start somewhere. And what do I always say in my book? You got to start somewhere. And so the edibles are kicking in, by the way.

Yeah, you have to plan for it.

You have a good look.

You have a good name, Yasmina. Named after some allergy medication or something like that. It is good. You look like the funniest munchkin in all of Harlem.

But here's a little joke book to go with your little. everything else. Absolutely adorable. There she goes.

Yasmina Coker, everybody.

All right.

And we're going to keep it moving here. There we go.

Wow.

That's what people were afraid of. Are you really going to have someone absolutely bomb in a fucking arena?

All right.

Let's light up the comedians. John Rice is next. John Rice.

Is there a John Rice?

I'm not seeing any movement there.

There is movement. Oh, they're pointing this way. Oh, my goodness. He's waving his arms.

Oh, yeah.

Section 118, row zero.

I fucked that up. That's right. Holy shit. How about a hand for the yellow rose? That's Isabelle, ladies and gentlemen.

Jesus fucking Christ almighty.

Put that dumper on.

I don't know if I mentioned this, but the red rose and the yellow rose stuck with us through fucking everything.

Loyal sponsors since our arrival in Austin, Texas. How many of you like it when people do good on this show?

How many of you like it when people do bad on this show?

Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut, I do believe, of John Rice.

Oh, yeah.

That last dude is going to be hard to top.

He was all right.

Oh, man, you guys got sexy cameramen up here.

Distracting me.

Hey, camera guy, you got a big dick?

That's a no. I do have a big dick.

And settle down, gays, I'm a bottom.

You know how ridiculous it is to have a big dick and be a bottom? It's like giving a Buddhist a gun.

Like, hey, John, you're gay?

I had no idea. you were gay.

I've never seen you do anything gay.

So you've never seen me suck a dick or drive my Prius?

Thank you. That's my time. Okay.

John Rice with a good, solid set. 60 seconds. Hell yeah.

John, how long have you been doing stand-up?

About seven years. Seven years. Wow.

Where at?

I started up in Seattle and then I moved down here during COVID.

Okay.

And how long were you in Seattle for? About five years.

Right. Yeah. Talk about being a bottom.

Oh, yeah.

It sucks so much.

Yeah.

I mean, it's not that bad, but, you know.

Well, it's not that good either, Dr. Phil.

Well, have you been to the Space Needle or sucked a dick under a bridge?

Dr. Phil, I thought you were from Texas. Why are you defending Seattle so much?

Because my wife Robin, we went there for like a rekindle the marriage trip, right? You know, sometimes you got to keep things spicy, you know. Just anal ain't enough sometimes. But now, so you started comedy seven years ago. And have you always been gay?

That's a good question, Dr. Phil. I came out after about a year of doing stand-up.

Okay.

Because I'd written a couple of jokes about being gay and I was like, well, I got to come out and talk about it, you know.

You can't just be gay and not come out.

Yeah, you can.

All right.

We'll be right back.

No, we're going to keep it right here. All right, so now you don't always have a cameraman in the front row of your shows to a cost. So how do you usually open your sets?

A little bit of crowd work. Typically, a guy's in with a girl and I'll ask him if he's got a big dick. And typically, he'll take a half a second to respond and she kind of will give it away. She gives away the game, so it's good to fuck with.

Okay.

No, that was just a basic answer.

Yeah. No, I'm sorry. I just spaced out. Go ahead, Tony.

It is surprising you don't seem gay. So when you came out, how did you do it?

Okay, so I never have actually come out to anybody. It's just been telling a joke on stage about it.

Wait, so are you coming out right now to your family?

No.

Funny. you should say that, Dr. Phil, because the way that my mom found out I was gay was by watching one of my stand-up sets on YouTube.

Holy shit.

Honey, why are you saying that you're a bottom?

Do you mean you like bottomless breadsticks?

No!

I had to explain to her what a glory hole was.

Oh, shit. That's a weird Thanksgiving.

I'm just glad I'm not the only one that's been there, Dr. Phil.

Now, have you used a glory hole? And that's the first time I've asked somebody that today.

What was the question? Have you used a...

Don't act like you didn't fucking hear me. I'm two feet away with a fucking microphone. Have you used a glory hole? We'll cut to the tape if you don't want to tell the story. Yeah, 100%.

You have?

Yeah. Get the fuck out of here.

Describe to us what.

Describe to us.

Lifetime, maybe.

Yeah.

It's somewhere in the upper 30s, 40s, you know? That was back whenever I was in the closet and I was kind of, you know... Hold on. I'm going to check in with Jetski Johnson here. Were you also a bottom in the glory hole?

Yeah. Oh, my God.

You put your asshole up to the glory hole?

Sometimes.

God, disgusting. And I am hard as a rock right now. This is incredible.

That is incredible. That is so wrong and naughty and nasty.

Thank you for your service, by the way.

So.

You got your, like, one- to five-star glory holes, Dr. Phil. There's not just one kind of glory hole. There's some that are just, like,

in between two stalls in a bathroom.

that someone has chiseled their way through, like their Andy Dufresne and shit.

Oh, my God.

And there's other ones that are, like.

The old shit-shank redemption.

That was good. We'll keep that in.

You fucking.

I'm gonna be scared every time I hear tapping on the stall next to me.

I'm gonna be like, oh, no, it's coming.

Just gotta pinch it off and get the fuck out of here.

But then you have other ones that are in, like, sex shops, and there'll be stalls next to each other where you can, you know, watch porn in it, but there's a hole in between them,

and they'll have padding all around the hole,

a bar to the left, a bar to the right,

and a bar above, so you can just.

So, wait a second. Okay.

I have so many.

Every time he answers the question, I have five more questions, by the way. I'm up to 27 questions right now.

So, let me start off by saying this.

Like, how do you know if someone's on the other side, especially as a bottom-back-backing-up-your-butt guy?

Sound it out, Tony. We got this. Yeah. Yeah. As a bottom-back, yeah.

Are you like, hey, I'm over here, or do you, like, fart through the hole?

Good question.

You have it.

There you go. There it is.

Okay, he's allowed two farts for the arena episode. There he goes.

Now, is that the regular fart sound effect or the glory hole fart?

That was what's called a squeeze fart. Oh.

Oh. Okay, there it is. That feels like the one. Yeah.

Oh, what's the two-tone fart?

Oh. Oh.

Oh, that's kind of like rap music. Listen to that. Uh.

Yeah.

It's the motherfucking remix.

Glory hole.

Yo.

Yeah.

Dr. Motherfucking Bill on the glory hole,

the ones and twos.

Wait.

Uh, now, I will be rapping,

so hold your horses,

but I need to say this

before we get into Tony's third, fourth, and fifth question. Why are you dressed like a guy who knows everything about glory holes?

No!

Dressed for the job you want, not the job you have.

Great answer. Great answer.

And that,

and that, my friends, is how, that is, how you come out to your mom over YouTube.

Now, let me get back to question number 43 here. Yeah. Now, when you back up,

is there ever like an accident that you have?

in the glory hole? Like, is there ever what I would call a holy shit?

Like what? Like backing up to it.

and there's a woman on the other side or something?

Oh, that would be terrible for you.

Right? She's just complaining about her day in the hole.

And Becky said, Becky said that I'm not good at cutting hair.

And you're just like, shut up, take this.

You're gonna make my mustache fall out, Tony.

It's a holy war. It's a holy war.

Okay, so, you're a bottom, you're a big dick bottom,

are there things that you won't do?

Will you fuck a guy in the ass?

Okay, well,

again, the long pause.

tells us everything we need to know, okay? Like, it depends.

What's the pay on that, Tony? I don't know,

a spot on Red Band Secret Show.

and for closers, a bucket of KFC.

so you can bring back some old memories.

By the way,

famous homophobe D-Madness.

is losing his mind right now.

Well, let me tell you this. It's admirable that you're owning who you are. I dig that, okay? Round of applause for that, because you shouldn't be afraid.

of who the fuck you are.

and what you want to do. That's true. You know? And yeah, you might have some friends reach out to you on Facebook once this episode is fully up and out to the world that say, hey, I didn't know you were into that. But you know what?

Uh.

Can you stop fucking pausing so much in between sentences?

I want to think before I talk. I get it.

Yeah, not really. Like, I used to drive Uber.

until a week ago when my Prius died and blew up. So if anyone's hiring out there, hey, this faggot needs a job.

What is your work experience? Maybe we can get you a job right now. We're famous for doing this on the show. What type of resume do you have?

Uh, I delivered pizza in Alaska.

for about a decade.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God.

You were really getting fucked in the ass then.

You know, Tony, I saw a sign. They're hiring here at this arena.

Oh, okay. Thank you. So are they hiring for an icy road pizza delivery man at the HEV center?

They have custodians here. I'm sure.

This guy's got enough going on with his Herbert Bucks.

You know what I'm saying?

HEV center doesn't need this fucking guy. What else other than delivering pizzas on icy roads?

Uh, I've, uh.

Um.

You know, uh.

I've worked in a lot of kitchens. You know, a lot of kitchen work.