#658 - JOE ROGAN + TUCKER CARLSON + JIM NORTON

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Oh shit. We're in it tonight.

And we're going to have a lot of fun tonight. How about one more time for the fucking band, huh?

And you guys watching at home don't know this, but sometimes we have special guests swing by and do unbelievable music appearances, because this is Austin, Texas, the live music comedy capital of the world. And how about, one more time, what you guys saw, Wynonna Judd is in the house tonight,

And amazing stuff. You never know what's going to happen here. I highly recommend checking out the show live. Did you guys have fun yet already, huh? Before we start tonight's podcast, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.

Who's ready to have the best goddamn time of their lives, huh?

You're in it tonight. This is just one of those fucking episodes where everything is perfect. It's just fucking perfect. The machine gets to breathe and no one possibly better is tonight's guest. I love this man.

He's been on the show many times before. One of the best comedians in the world. One of the best right now. One of the best ever. And we're going to have so much fucking fun.

Let's see how loud this place can get for the great and powerful Jim Norton.

Yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Yeah, baby. Welcome back, Jim. Thank you. Such a goddamn pleasure to have you. I love it.

One of the fucking greats. Thank you. A true fucking killer. New Yorker. Nicky and Jim NYC on YouTube.

Their new podcast, Sword Fight. Tickets available. One of the great live comedians in the world. JimNorton.com, so check them out. And, Jim, you know how it works.

A bunch of fucking souls signed up for the opportunity. Probably how many tonight? Ballpark? 200?. Yeah, somewhere around there, always.

230.

. Jesus, fucking Christ. This shit is getting out of control. A lot of these people moving here. Some of the best up-and-coming, promising talents moving here.

Some people literally lying that they've prepared for this just to hopefully get famous. And they annoy me. And I try to figure out a way to make them uncomfortable for signing up for a show built around comedians trying to make it. You know how it works. They get 60 seconds.

And then you hear the sound of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which is loud. And that interrupts them. And then I ask them a bunch of questions.

We learn more about them. Stuff that's good. Stuff that they could talk about. Stuff that they should never do again. Anything can happen.

You guys ready to start the show?

A very esteemed position which guarantees fucking fame and ticket sales for the rest of their lives. This guy's an absolute phenom, ladies and gentlemen. A force of nature. Unbelievable fucking gift from the comedy gods. I present to you a brand new 60 seconds.

From the crab man himself. The one and only. Casey Rockett.

Do you have to? Do you have to let it linger? Alright, cool. Irish stuff. Get lost.

He pissed your dick. Yeah. I'm feeling dangerous tonight, boys. I might fuck around and give a moose a muffin in this motherfucker. Who's with me, huh?

Might fuck around and give a mouse a cookie. Alright, cool. Hell yeah. Get lost. Come on.

Alright. Dud. That was a dud, harmonica. Tony, I'm starting over. Alright.

Can't riff during the minute. Come on now. Get lost. Alright, cool. So dangerous.

Biden hates to see it. God. Hey Biden, I got six words for you, sweetheart. Let. Me.

Check. The. White. House. For.

Ghosts. Okay. Cool. Do you have to?

Get lost. Lock the bathrooms.

Nobody's pissing. Still riffing. Okay. Cool. I used to do weird combinations of drugs when I was a teenager.

Like, I'd drink a bunch of Tuss. Robitussin. And I would... I'm America's Robitussin comedian. And I would...

I'd drink a bunch of Tuss and then I'd take a bunch of Adderall too. So I'd be focused, but I'd be focused on the wrong shit. You know what I mean? Just be scribbling in a notebook. Like, what if worms could scream?

Alright, thank you. I'm Casey Rockett.

I worked with you this last night. You did two shows. And the energy is crazy, but the jokes are good. Like, a lot of guys mask bad jokes with energy. And your jokes are great.

Like, really funny and great writing. Oh, thanks, man. I just enjoy watching you a lot. You're really funny. Hell yeah.

100% agree. A lot of interesting new perspectives. Lock the bathrooms, I like. It's interesting because if you did that, you would be locking people in and out at the same time. It would create, within minutes, there would be chaos down there.

Just the way I wanted.

Have you ever put the microphone stand somewhere and said, no, it actually should stay there?

Yeah, it feels better to have it in motion. Kinetic energy.

You guys know, kinetic energy.

It's good to stay in motion. It helps me be fluid. Whatever that means. But yeah, just keep moving. Keep moving.

Keep being brave. It felt weird to, it was weird to actively kind of improvise a little bit in the minute. Because I was like, oh, I probably have ten seconds left. And I was like, yeah, Tusk comic. And I was like, oh, trying to get back to it.

Not only does he move the microphone a lot, he also moves the stool a lot. He jumps over the stool. Things like that. And I had only seen him here in this room and in The Little Boy, which has about the same size stage. And I took him to open up for me in a massive theater a few weeks ago.

And I realized that he uses all of the stage that he's given, no matter what. That's where I learned that. A crab at 45 miles an hour, sideways like that and then back. Never losing sight of the crowd. Staying square the entire time.

The harmonica toss. I didn't know someone could toss a harmonica 40 yards behind them like that, while telling jokes. Everything was bigger. I wouldn't have guessed that about him. But he might use more stage than any comedian I've ever seen before.

Well, I was amazed, too. Coming out, I was like, I think you're really funny. But I was like, oh, please, let him knock the drums over. I thought that would be so fucking great. But you move well in the space.

You don't overuse what you have. So, yeah, very impressive. You're very aware of your surroundings. Thank you. Yeah, I try to be.

Yeah, it's a heat signature thing. I try to keep that. It's like a velociraptor. You know how they say fighter jets. It's not, you know, they say fighter jets.

It's not about where they are. It's about where they aren't. So, that's kind of what I operate on. So, F-15 rules. So, yeah.

Wow. I've actually never heard that about fighter jets, but I believe it. when you said it. I don't know. I heard that one time.

Okay. I've also never heard of it. It is incredible. You have a real knack at making up references that perhaps have never existed before.

Is looking for ghosts at the White House something you've always wanted to do, or is this just with this new administration?

Yeah, another one. The undertaker walks up.

Yeah, it's something. It's definitely peaked my interest. the last few years. I've been getting more into ghost hunting. We all contain dualities, right?

Multiplicities, dualities. Plato talked about this.

The toy, not the philosopher. The philosopher, not the food.

Oh,

I just got Casey rocketed right in the face. That was incredible. Bam.

It's funny to bring that up in the context of hunting ghosts.

But Wynonna Judd was out here earlier, and I wrote a song, and I would love to sing the song that I wrote. Oh, wow. We've never had Casey do a song before. This is very exciting. It's a short song, so it's kind of like a country song.

I don't know. Do you know what you want? It's a little, it's like...

Be careful what you wish for, Casey Rock. Okay, perfect. It's kind of complicated, so I just got to look at it really quickly. Okay, here we go. It's called How Far Can a Quarter Go?

It's a serious song, so don't laugh. It's really serious. Okay.

There comes a time in every woman's life Where she's got to make a choice.

The future seems so far from now Sitting in this little one-horse town, But I know I got to find my voice.

Sitting here staring at the phone, Praying how far can a quarter go Till I lose my voice?

I've got regrets and I told you so.

Now I'm sitting here in the waiting room And I don't want to see you go. How far can a quarter go? Thank you, that's it. But it's pretty good. It's pretty good.

It's now become a first-time singer-songwriter. A first-time singer-songwriter, so... Pretty good.

That was good. That was really good. Yeah. That was your favorite song of the year. The question that's on all our minds.

How far can a quarter go? It's like... I don't want to explain too much about it, but...

It's like.

. Can this quarter take you back to what you once had? Like at a payphone. So that's about... Thank you, oh God.

Oh, I know. Najud has something she wants to say up there. Hold on, here she is. Everybody's silent. I know, Najud.

Thank you.

Oh, my God!

Oh my God! Wynonna Judd just made a new Wynonna Bud.

Oh, my goodness. Absolutely incredible. Casey, you convinced her that it was great. Thank you. That was good.

That was good. She's not going to help you. She's just showing you what you can do with a quarter. Yeah, yeah.

I love it. Casey, you're a goddamn superstar. We love you so much. So much fun. There he goes, the great Casey Rockett.

Thank you guys.

And like that, it has begun. No one starts a show, quite like Casey Rockett. And now we switch over to the bucket where anything can happen. We're going to meet some new people here. Make some noise for John Kondalik with 60 Seconds Uninterrupted.

John Kondalik, everybody. Come on. Fuck yeah!

Fuck yeah, mothership. How's it going, everybody? Goddamn right. How's your week been? Mine's been all right.

The other day, someone said that I had resting youth pastor face.

A little bit about me. I'm an amputee missing three and a half of my fingers. Totally cool to laugh. Last to bet. Fuck yeah.

What happened? Well, like my birth, it was an accident. So at least with that accident, someone came. So I'm just saying, fuck yeah. I actually got a pretty good deal because I got three and I got one half off.

So tell your fucking friends. Hell yeah, dude. I put the armed in armed forces. You know what I'm saying? Because my hand looks like a gun and the state of Texas at the same fucking time.

The great state of fucking Texas.

So fucking laugh. Guys, I'm John Kondalik. Thanks so much. John Kondalik. Very fun minute.

Great set. There's something about you. I can't quite put my fingers on it. Jim, what do you think? Tony, seriously, give him a hand.

Fuck, yeah, dude. It was incredible.

John, I would give you knuckles, but.

. We could bones it. Fuck yeah. How did you lose them?

I got fourth degree burns, actually. Fireworks? No. How?

I had my hand in cement and it was a makeup accident for a film. And I was actually playing a guy who gets his fingers cut off. And I just take method acting way too seriously. Oh my God. Oh, wow.

I'm coming after you, Daniel Day. Fucking. look out. No, but so they use the wrong materials. And they basically use something called Ultra Cal 30, which is basically like a cement.

And so I had a chemical burn. And I got fourth degree burns, which is charred bone. And my veins were destroyed. Joints were destroyed. Everything was destroyed.

They couldn't save them. We were in the... Oh, I was in the hospital for like weeks. And they just eventually were like, we got to amputate. What happened here?

Was this directed by Alec Baldwin? What exactly? This is a crazy... What kind of movie was this? I don't answer.

What movie was this? What was this for? It was for a student project, actually. Oh. Oh, no.

Oh, my God. It gets worse. It gets worse. Tell us more. The filmmakers, they were foreign exchange students.

Didn't speak English at all. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. It was crazy. And you know what's even crazier?

Technically, Quentin Tarantino's responsible for this. Tell us more. I know. So... I think I saw this.

Kill fingers? The hateful three.

Are you familiar? Yes, very much so. Fuck, yeah. So, in his segment, there were four different stories, four different directors. In his story, he was doing basically that story.

You have to light your lighter so many times. If you fuck up, you get to chop. Right. They did that beat for beat. They just basically stole the beats.

And I met Tarantino at the store, and I got.

. I was... Don't meet your heroes when you're high on edibles. Yeah. So, I told him that, and he was losing his goddamn mind, and I'm like...

So, wait. How does the final scene in Four Rooms apply to your thing? They ripped it off completely, beat for beat. So, they were... They were doing the exact same story.

Oh. I was the guy lighting the lighter and getting the chop. But we never got to filming because we were doing the makeup prep, and they fucked up there.

It's okay. Did you immediately know, like, the second your hand was in, there was a problem? No. So, it was just like... I thought it was like silicone or...

Not silicone, like plaster. But it was not. So, it was just mushy, wet stuff. And then, a few moments later, it started getting a little bit lukewarm. But as soon as that happened, it skyrocketed in heat.

And I jumped up. And, oh, by the way, when I was telling Tarantino this, I'm like, yeah, I'm glad this happened. It happened for a reason. And one of the reasons was, there was another actress there. She showed up late, and she put her whole hand in, and it went up to her wrist.

And so, she would have lost it. But as soon as I jumped up, screaming, like, good God, it's fucking burning me, she pulled it out. And she was safe. So, thank God for that. That's a blessing.

Did she at least give you a hand job?

that is right there. The old fucking click monster right there.

Look at that thing. I like to tickle him a little bit and make him laugh. You know what I'm saying, bitch? The old double thumb. Hell yeah.

The old fucking mouse pad. you got right there. The old fucking... Call that the nub rub. That's the fucking nub rub.

Oh, my. Careful, dude. We might start an OnlyFans page. That's incredible. Shit's gonna call it her handyman.

Fuck yeah, dude. Wow. Absolutely incredible. What a nice guy, by the way. The positive you find in it is that she was okay.

To me, that would have been the negative. Like, if only that bitch put her hand in first, I'd be fucking fine. It's layered. It's multi-layered. So, I'm glad it happened.

So, that was a silver lining. Thank God for that. But if it wasn't for that, I wouldn't have got hired at this independent film studio. if I hadn't worked at that independent film studio. I wouldn't have met my wife.

If I hadn't met my wife, I wouldn't have started comedy. If I hadn't started comedy, I wouldn't have ended up at the store meeting Tarantino, and I wouldn't be here in front of all you guys at fucking Kill Tony. Amazing. Amazing.

Full circle, you know? Did the film get finished? Nope. Fuck, no. That was just like Rust.

We didn't do it. like Rust. We stopped shooting. We didn't... We're dunzos.

They fled the fucking country. Sure. I bet. So, if you've seen some Koreans like yay high with like three and a half fingers, point them out.

Wow. Are you right-handed? Yes. That's good. That's good.

Yeah. At least it looks nice too. Like, that's like a nice... Thanks, dude. Yeah.

And you had a great story. It is cool. It's a great story. It's not bad. No one notices either, because everyone thinks I'm like making a fist.

You know what I mean? Like, the fucking producers backstage, they didn't notice and I shook their fucking hand. The bartenders out on 6th Street, they put change in my hand and it fucking rolled off. How far can a quarter go?

Fuck yeah.

Whatever I want it to be, man. I fucking win. So, it fucking pays to look like the butler from Scary Movie 2.. That's all I'm fucking saying. Let me use my good hand.

Oh, I can see it. So how long have you been doing stand-up, John? Two and a half years. And where? at?

LA. LA. That's fun. You can make the logo with your hand. Yeah.

It's a reversal. We literally just got in here at 6.30.. Okay. In time for sign-ups. And what do you do for work?

How do you make a living? So, for a living, I've been in the film industry for 13 years and I edit movie trailers for a living. Oh, okay. Well, your fingers also hit the cutting room floor. Yeah, I do.

That's amazing. That's good. I like that. Any trailers we would recognize or anything? No, it's a lot of five million dollar movies, like the kind of stuff that you see straight to...

Have you seen any Aaron Eckhart action movie? Yeah. No one has. So, it's shit like that. Okay.

It doesn't make me happy anymore. Comedy makes me happy, and I've been pulling back. Right. Pulling back. So, what's your love life?

like? A lot of fisting. Yeah.

Not great. Yeah. Mainly because my wife doesn't let me have a girlfriend. Oh, you're married. Yes, sir.

I'm married. Oh, I can't tell. There's not a ring on there. I moved it. Oh, the old switcheroo.

Look at that. So, this is... This is...

This is really embarrassing. I was... I was originally going to wear my ring on like a necklace, but I'm like, this is too like Frodo, Lord of the Rings. It's gay. I'm like, I earned this shit.

I'm going to wear it on my ring. I just moved it over here, so I think people still get it, right? You still get it? Fuck yeah. I like your jacket.

Don't interject the audience. Their words don't matter. I'm sorry, dude. He keeps like, what do you think? Like it?

Cool. How about you? All right. Sorry, Tony. If you see a bunch of people waiting in an elevator, will you run up and go, I got it?

Oh, yeah. That is an amazing... It's almost more pointier than a regular pointer finger. You have no joints fluffing it up or anything. Yeah, this is just the knuckle right there.

It's sharp. Wow. Has it ever come in handy? No pun intended.

No. No. No. Haven't done anything cool with it, but you know one thing I've always wanted to do? No one's ever sucked it before.

Well, you're at the right place.

Hopefully you meet Paul McCartney. I'm sure he's... Any other... Thank you. Any other special skills or talents?

Yeah. I have a couple of notes here. I can lick my... Oh, wow. Yeah, because...

For this reason. You know the show. Yes. I can lick my own nose. My eyes can shake.

I can do that. Yeah, you do the eye-shaking thing? Yeah, I can do that. Yeah, it's a weird thing. What?

Yeah, I can do it. No, you lick your nose. Whoa! Hell. yeah.

He can eat pussy, ladies. Yeah, and... For those of you that absolutely have to get finger blasted with a left hand, know, this guy can eat pussy. I always finish what I eat. I'm a gentleman, so...

What is the eye shake? Fuck, yeah. Oh, yeah. You see it? Yeah, it's frightening.

It's a frightening thing. It's a frightening thing. Yeah, I learned it at school, too. It's a weird thing. I got jealous of a kid, and I'm like, I want to fucking do that.

And I worked on it until I did it. Sure. And the others... Yeah, I know. Useless talents, for sure.

The best Shore of 2024 goes to Jim Norton. so far. Sure.

That's a great look for a date. That's a great look for a date. 100%. I have this weird ability that it's a stupid superpower, but it's more like a defense mechanism. My body just shuts down if it gets too stressed, and I'll just turn off and I'll just pass out.

What are you, a goat? Yeah.

Great way to start representing the Buckets. Can you catch this? 100%. Yeah, there he goes. John Kondalik, ladies and gentlemen, getting the Buckets started tonight.

How fun, huh? Make some noise for John, everybody.

Well, you know, anything can happen here at the Comedy Mothership, and I think that I think that we have a very, very special treat right now. Ladies and gentlemen, I think I get to bring up two of my favorite humans on planet Earth. Joining us, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Tucker Carlson and Joe Rogan.

I need two chants ASAP. Holy shit.

Come on in, guys. Yeah, slide on down.

Tucker.

Tucker had no idea. this was going on until 30 seconds ago. I love it. He had no idea. he was going on stage.

He's just finding out right now. We were literally at dinner, and he's like, I want to show you my new place, and we're standing backstage, and I didn't know I was coming out until I heard my name.

We call that the old Post Malone right there. We've done this before. We did the Post Malone the same thing.

Tucker, welcome to the show. Let's go front. Let's go front. Okay, perfect. Luckily, I'm sober.

Here, this one's for you. Put that one back in the stand. Cool. I love it. Are all three of these working?

Maybe you should take this one, and I'll take that one. We're going to get them pumping here. We're going to get them working. Tucker, welcome to the show. Well, thank you for having me.

This is an amazing, amazing.

I'm an unemployed talk show host, not a stand-up comedian, so no, I have no idea how this works, and I have a sense it won't go. well. No, it's going to be great, but we're going to watch them, and then afterwards, we give a little bit of input. It's a little free speech version of America's Got Talent, but it's just dirty stand-up comedy. I can do that.

Hell yeah. Tucker, Carlson, everybody. Ha, ha, ha!

Joe Rogan and Jim Norton, this is Kill Tony. We're going to watch 60 seconds uninterrupted. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Lino Rodriguez. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Lino Rodriguez, and here we go. Here's Lino, everybody.

Hi, my name is Lino Rodriguez, and I'm an ass man. Yes.

Not because of the shape, but because of the smell. You know what I mean?

I'm more of an aroma guy. You know?

I have a dimple. I think that's pretty cool. I think dimples are the only physical deformity that will get you laid. You know? No one ever looked at my club feet and was like, hey, yo, nine, iron.

Come get some of this pussy.

I like to look at, you know, a woman with scoliosis and be like, hey, a little cinnamon twist.

Let me break that back some more.

Okay.

Oh, man. This is nice.

Thank you, that's good.

I like that. I respect that. Thank you. Yeah, I made it myself. I appreciate it.

Yeah, you look good. Yes, thank you. You look good. Thank you. Oh, wow.

There's love on this stage tonight. Lino, how old are you? I'm 27.. 27.. How long you been doing stand-up?

Like two and a half, three years now. Okay. Where at? I'm originally from Mississippi. Big M's.

What's up? Wow, the last comedian couldn't do that.

He only had one finger. Ah, I got it. The good one. Yeah, it was, but it was cut in half. Oh, fuck.

Nice.

Okay, so, Lino, you're from Mississippi, and then what? You were getting somewhere with that. I lived in New Orleans for a bit. Okay. You know, had some fun, got a little drunk.

Yeah. Had a good life there. Yeah. How long were you there for? About a year and a half.

About a year and a half. Yeah. What do you do for work, Lino? I'm a security guard down at the Vulcan. Oh, wow.

Your ex-wife. Okay, yeah. Vulcan, my ex-wife, because I used to do shows there a lot. Yes. That's what you mean by that.

Yeah, yes. I think you forgot what you were going to say again there, Lino.

Do you really have a club foot? I do. I was born with two club feet. Oh, that's awesome. Thank you.

My goodness. This is quite the fucking carnival of a show.

The deformities are growing with each bucket pool.

What do you do for fun? Golf.

I'm a killer mini-golf player, yes. I like to play music. I like to hang out. What kind of music do you play? Alternative music, like rockish type things.

What do you do? You sing? You play guitar? What do you do? I sing and play guitar.

Really? Yeah, yeah, I do. Really? Why do you say yeah, like that, Michael? I want to hear him play.

You want to hear him play? Do you guys want to hear him?

Okay. I'll try, yeah. Well, yeah, he definitely has to. let you. Put the mic in the mic.

stand there. We're going to wrap this guitar around your fucking goddamn, big ass shoulders. D, relax. D's out of control. He thinks you're gay.

D is homophobic.

You relax, D. You relax.

Okay. D Madness was drinking Crown and Coke during the soundcheck at 615..

D's out of control. Okay, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, this is it. For those of you that like.

Julio Iglesias.

Ladies and gentlemen, making his Kill Tony music debut, this is Lino Rodriguez. Lino, do you want to pick, dude? No, it's okay. Okay.

All right. Fuck it.

All right.

Is this How Far Does a Quarter Go?

This night, I had a dream that you were with me. When I woke up,

Why does my mind like to fuck with me? You're the psychedelic princess of my dreams.

You, eyes, you have a dreadful past. Those looks were made to impress you. You're so beautiful. It's true. All right.

All right. That's enough.

That's enough. You do music.

Yes. I was. Yes. Yeah. All those good people.

OK. What's the name of the song? Daydreams. Yeah. Did you write it?

Yes. You do a lot of like. you're more like reggae style. No, that's just the one my mind came up with in the moment, because I'm in front of this beautiful audience and I can't really think of anything again. Who is that written about?

This woman I met while I was doing psychedelics in Washington. Oh, great.

State or D.

C.

? Yeah. Which one? State? or D.C.?

Spokane. Spokane, Washington. Oh, hell, yes. You guys were on meth. Yeah.

Yeah.

That was Daniel Jarvis. We were candy flipping a bit. Not letting the cops in. Fuck. no.

No, no. It was a good time. Yeah. Another fun fact about me is my dad was murdered. Whoa.

Tell us more about this.

Tell us more. This sounds great. We love this here on this show. Oh, yeah, man. My dad was murdered.

He didn't really die in a cool way, or anything like getting hit by a car or dying in a submarine looking for the Titanic. That's a long setup.

You don't need to play reggae music, guys. Yeah. So how was he murdered? Yeah. I'll tell you something.

These setups are tremendous. He got hit in the face with a baseball bat. It's a long adventure, just like your grandparents took to get here. Okey, dokey. It's a illegal immigration joke.

Not that big of a deal. How was he murdered? He got hit in the face with a baseball bat. Whoa.

We have a sound effect for that. We've been waiting. There it is.

Oh, my goodness. So he never came back home run after that? No.

Wow. Oh, my goodness. What was the reason? What did he do? He was a whore.

He was fucking around with somebody's wife, I think. Oh, so the guy caught him hitting a bat.

Yeah, they were really good at that. Yeah.

Unbelievable. How old were you when that happened? I wasn't born, yet. I was still in the womb. Oh, my goodness.

And he was fucking somebody else while your mom was pregnant? Bingo. Your dad rules. Yeah, he was pretty sick.

I have a sister that's three months older than me. He got around. He had a good time.

I guess Puerto Ricans are like contraceptives. I don't know. Yeah, you're correct about that. Oh,

man, this is awesome. Okay. Yeah, absolutely. Well, the good news is is that your dad is watching right now. He's looking up at you, thinking, wow, I'm proud of my boy.

Yes. The sweet sound symphony sounds of hell.

leaving a bunch of unborn children with me. Technically, he overdosed on crack.

It's a bat. Okie dokie.

So he never got to call you little slugger, huh?

Oh, no. Did the guy that hit him start rounding the bases at least? Okay. All right. This is out of control.

Is it crazy? your dad got hit with a bat and you have club feet?

Oh, my goodness. Well, Lino, very good interview. I love your honesty. There's a little joke book. Congratulations.

Thank you so much. Welcome to Killtony. There you go.

We've watched him grow up in front of our eyes. Make some noise for the great, brand new minute from Enrique Chacon,

Damn, now I got to catch my breath, dog. Anyways, man, I got an aggressive dog at home. I got this motherfucker during COVID, so I didn't have a chance to socialize him. And now he wants to kill everybody, bro. And it's an issue.

He tried to bite my brother the other day, and I'm defending him against my family because he's my fucking fur baby, right? But as I'm defending him, I'm realizing that I started sounding like a school shooter's mom, y'all.

and Vicks VapoRub.

Thank you. Boom.

Yeah. You were instantly likable and loved on this show. You were famously the West Hollywood bear in the two Arena episodes. Fuck yeah. The crowd went wild for you.

It was fucking insane, man. We'll do it all over again. Hell yeah. Definitely will. So, what is the deal?

Is this true? You have a crazy dog, Enrique? I have a crazy fucking dog at home. He's like a Pitbull boxer mix, bro. But honestly, he's just a serial killer, bro.

I don't know how to handle this. motherfucker. He's nice to me and my girl, but, dude, he killed my fucking, my favorite chicken. today, bro. He killed a chicken?

I swear to God, man. I had a Andrea Yates moment. Like, bro, I was ready to drown this motherfucker, dog. Oh, no. Like, I was like, yo, it's time for a bubble bath up in this bitch, you know?

Like, man, this is like my best chicken, my fattest chicken producing the best eggs, you know? Because I live in a fucking ranch, right? But man, I don't know what to do, Tony. Wow. Just killed a chicken.

A whole waste of a chicken. Yeah, I could not even eat him, bro. Right now, somewhere, David Lucas is crying.

He's a predator, bro. This sounds like Jim Norton. You trained him well. He's a predator, but that's sexual predator behavior, you know? Whenever.

he started eating the chicken's ass first and the chicken didn't go for it and he fucking bit its neck.

I mean, you would know, Jim, right? Yes, I would.

I've been on both ends of it.

I love it. So you're living out there on a ranch, huh? Living out on a ranch, man. Looks like you're also living on a thousand island and a fucking creamy Caesar.

I recently quit my job at Bucky's, so I'm over here trying to hustle up, man.

I kept getting molested, bro. I was wearing that beaver suit and they were whispering in my ear, I wonder if you're a man or a woman, you know? Story of my life.

I'm glad you can relate, Jim. I really am glad you can relate, man, but because of my body type they couldn't tell, you know?

Absolutely incredible. Enrique has the only OnlyFans that he gets paid in actual fans. He's always overheating, absolutely sweating. How old are you again, Enrique? You are one of the unhealthiest young boys that's ever been on this show before.

I'm 26, right now. 26?. Yeah, 26.. Have you ever talked to a heart doctor about your profuse sweating? I recently got rid of my prehypertension, you know, just started going on a few walks, and I recently started doing jujitsu.

Hey, fuck you!

66.

6 degrees. Oh, it's 0.7. now. The laughs bring up the temperature. So you must sweat like this absolutely all the time, right?

You know, yeah. Fuck it.

I was just on the side. He had me on a seat belt, bro. He was fucking me up, dude. Wow. Wow.

Do they have a? what color belt are you in? Does it actually fit around your waist? Yeah. Do you have to get a jujitsu belt extender?

My gi is full of mustard stains and cum stains. Absolutely. Absolutely. A lot of mayo. You're fucking killing it, dude.

This is a real, real sign of greatness. What else is going on? What's the coolest thing happening in your career right now, before I let you go? Anything else? The coolest thing that happened in my career, man, so I'm focused now on full-time comedy, since I quit Buc-ee's, bro.

I'm not going to lie.

That's too much, man. Was it hard for you to hang up the Buc-ee helmet? It was hard, bro, but I think it was the right decision, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

It was the right decision. But that was the only sauna therapy I was getting at the moment.

Tucker, what did you think about Enrique Chacon? You watch a lot of stand-up? You a fan of stand-up? I love this man. Yeah.

Oh, thank you, Tucker.

Maybe in return you can get me a green card, you know?

I was gonna vote for you, but you know what? You lost a good one here. Well, actually, I can't vote for you. No, I meant it as a compliment. Wait, hold on.

Enrique,

You're welcome to tug on it.

Oh, shit.

Hey, that's some good weave, dog. That's some good weave. You must have gotten that weave in Houston. That's fucking fire. Well, it's time.

Mark Wellborn is next on. Kill Tony, the land of opportunity. Here he is. Mark Wellborn.

So, my dad told me a story about a story recently. Unlike that other bucket pool.

Yeah, so he told me that when I was a baby, he tried to mansplain breastfeeding to my mom. And since my dad grew up on a dairy farm and he helped baby calves latch to their mother's udders, he decided to give her a few pointers. And he told me that the trick is you have to rapidly smack the udder. In this case, the breast.

And that'll get the milk to start to flow. And then my dad goes, yeah, and she didn't care for it.

Oh, what, she didn't care for getting her boobs smacked around while she was trying to breastfeed? Or the fact you compared her to a cow, which...

Anyone else here probably slapped the bag with their mother's tit growing up?

Because apparently we were. My dad would slap, I would drink, and my mom would file for divorce.

Okay, Mark Wellborn. Fun stuff. I've always wondered what 60 Seconds would be like performed by Anthony Juzelnik's sperm.

How old are you? I am 26 years old. Okay, how long have you been doing stand-up? After tonight, it'll be three years and nine months. Wow, very, very, you're keeping a close track on that.

Yes, I checked today. Okay. You had a tough spot. The guy in front of you had a really funny interaction with Tucker, he killed, and you came right out and you went after the other kid's father, which I thought was great. It was very funny, it was a good instinct, and it was the best laugh you got.

That was a great, alive moment. It really was. It was. I noticed that, too. You were a little bit more comfortable thinking off the top of your head than with what you planned to go, with.

You kind of stiffened up a little bit. Yeah. Does that happen a lot? Do you get loose during your sets? What goes on here?

Yeah, sometimes, I guess. I guess it didn't happen tonight, I don't know. Did that feel really stiff? Do I still feel stiff? Yeah.

No, no, very comfortable, very relaxed. Do I look fucking stiff to you?

I've seen more relaxed people talking to Chris Hansen.

I love it. Mark 26.. What do you do for work? I'm an engineer. What are you engineering?

Why'd you laugh? Chuckle.

Okay. So what kind of engineer are you civil? I'm trying to build back. better, of course.

Absolutely,

hopefully your structures are as stiff as you are.

What Do you like to do for fun? Well, how does a guy like Mark Welborn get loose? Uh, this may actually shock everyone here, but I, uh, I golf.

Tucker with the other. I knew that. yeah, I got a guy whose feet you can use.

Holy shit. So, oh boy, so much fun. So, mark, other than golf, like what's a? what's a wild thing about Mark Welborn? because you have this image.

We all have only known you for four minutes and 15 seconds and we think you're kind of like, you know, and I mean What's a wild side? What's the wild side of Mark Welborn? I don't know what you mean. Yeah. Yeah.

He's kind of. you know He's stiff. He's kind of proper. He's prim. I mean even Tucker here busts out his in every once in a while.

You know what? I'm saying? Like what's the wild side of Mark? Well, yeah, I God, I don't know if I could say it here with the civil engineer. I I like to get really drunk, Yeah.

But I've been talking about a couple. Zimas. No, I've actually been sober Since Valentine's Day, which also is the Ash Wednesday, and I gave it up for Lent. No. Yeah, You look like a Capitol Hill page who has anal in the Senate.

Like that. you look like that. you could have been the top or the bottom in this analogy as well.

So what happened on Valentine's Day? to make you quit drinking, or was it a planned thing? it was.

No is, uh, it it's typically. I'm a pretty good Catholic. I give something up each year and I used to like Do sweets, I would. I'm like I'm giving up sweets for line. Uh-huh, but like I never ate that much sweet, So I was kind of cheating God, right?

And then I got more into it and I decided I was gonna God ever come to you and say you were dating. Yeah, Mark, yeah, I know you don't even like candy.

I want you to give up gay porn.

Show me your face.

These Rishi cops are not handling it work.

Yeah, okay, so you were cheating with God. and then what happened? yeah, and then I did give up porn a couple years, But I couldn't tell my grandmother that you know, cuz she was starring in.

Why couldn't you tell your grandma? I couldn't. I'm not gonna tell my grandma. I gave up porn. So, what would you tell your grandma?

I'd tell her sweets again, right.

To your grandmother, I don't know how God works. God's just Darth Vader to me if you.

Went to a Catholic school, so like I'm, like, you know, not with it.

His father, Emperor Palpatine, I think, started the universe or something like that. alright, so, Mark, before I let you go.

You're, you're a good Catholic. you say you hook up with a lot of chicks. What's your? what's your story with women? No, I haven't dated since 2016,, but I actually just started dating a girl like within the past month.

Okay. Yeah. All right. Very nice. Is she also a sex rocker?

I fucked that one up. See, most now. I'm not, I'm a little stiff. Yeah, Where's your meter, where'd you meet this gal? Yeah, uh, dating app.

Okay, Christian dating app. No, no, that's a weird spot. I went to Catholic match before. it was not. What happened on Catholic match?

tell us, just like a lot of widows. I couldn't, I couldn't even Yeah,

like you? No, no, but you.

Yeah, you didn't. you didn't want any of the widows. some of that? good. Oh, they're not good at responding.

They're not great. Neither are their husbands.

Unbelievable, Unbelievable, my goodness. All right. Well, mark, very, very fun. Congratulations. Here's a little kiltoni joke book bill.

There goes mark. Well born everybody.

Recently I've been congregating with a lot of women trying to figure out how they start masturbating for the first time. See when men and women it's a lot different Dudes usually start masturbating for the first time with other dudes. You know, they find a porno mag like hey, bro. Just found this mag. You want to go check it out?

Just 12 year old Timmy jerking off with his best friend for the first time, staring him in the eyes. With women, they start with the corner of the washer. Maybe humping a pillow, Not me. I went straight to the electric toothbrush.

When you start masturbating with a electric toothbrush, you never step away. now my clit is calloused I.

Need a fucking bear trap on my ankle and a noose around my neck to bust a nut anymore.

I Need to pay the Chinese chiropractor in the mall a hundred bucks to just start punching my clit.

Welcome Fun set. I have so many questions.

Let's start with how most men start out masturbating. That's bullshit. And where are you getting this information? shit? They're mad, cuz I'm telling all their fucking secrets.

I'll have it be known. I also started masturbating with an electric toothbrush. Yeah, I'm not one of these normal guys, And I masturbated recently with a boy named Timmy.

the lot of it seems like you have stage presence. What have you done before that made you so comfortable on this stage? I know you're not a stripper.

Welcome to the Eastside strip club. decimal coming to the main stage, Get those pennies relevant.

We're gonna soften you up. Who's ready to go? limp out there? Who's got their toothbrush charge? Get that jab ready.

She'll show her clip.

She might give you some oral B.

Brush jokes everybody. You gotta keep up Here. she gets that fucking shirt. That is Yeah, yeah, it's a tech, daddy Tolu on Instagram. he makes these shirts.

he's been making them for a while now, okay, Yeah. All right. There you go. Take any alpha, my bed, All right.

Now that you said alpha Rogan's a fan.

I just want to say I promised somebody else. Can I do one more? do one more? What shout out? No, come on.