#2090 - Bobby Lee
2024-01-23 02:15:01
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Is there a theme song or what happened?
No, it's just, it's gone.
I made it. I'm here. And it's just, what a blessing. No, no, no, no, no, just let me, let me finish this. What a blessing, over the years, people on the internet were like, why don't you do, Rogan?
I was like, I don't even know how. And I'm here now and I just feel so present and I feel mindful. It's gonna be a great one. Anyway, thanks for having me.
I'm so happy you're here.
You too, man.
Yeah, we talked about doing it fucking a thousand times.
A thousand times.
Yeah, and it never happened. And people thought we had a problem with each other or something.
No, we know. In fact, here's the deal, Joe.
Okay, Bobby.
Not only do we not have a problem with each other, right? Right. You've been a really big asset to me over the years. on the phone. Like when I'm in trouble, you call and you're so helpful.
And you've got me through a lot of like difficult situations.
I love you, Bobby.
We're the opposite of trouble. We're in a like family. Yes, that's how I feel. Yeah, but you know, people, but I just didn't know how to do it.
Well, I always said, anytime you want to do it, you were like, okay. And that would be like, But there's no number, I don't know who. to, who do I call? You call me.
Oh, I didn't know who to call.
This whole thing is literally booked on my phone.
Oh, it is? Yeah. Well, now I know.
I have a guy, shout out to my man, Matt, who I contact when I want someone to get, like, if I want to reach out, like to Cat Williams or something like that. Like, reach out to this guy, try to get him on. And that's it. And then it all gets booked on my phone.
Wow. Well, now I know, and knowing's half the battle. You know what they said? G.I. Joe just said that.
What?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's that way. It's like the whole thing. It's because, like, I, go to Tom's. Have you been to Tom's? Tomer's?
Oh, yeah.
It's like they have a real production staff. Yeah. There's all these people running around with clipboards. And it's like.
I went to Bert's house the other day. He had eight people behind computers. Yeah. Just typing. I don't know what the fuck they're doing.
Emailing what?
Social media. Going crazy. Promoting arena shows. Everyone's going nuts. Me?
No. I don't want that in my life.
Why? You don't need it. I don't want it. You have white guy.
Just some average white guy.
No offense, but you're not, you know. With all due respect, Jamie, does take the place of, like, at least two regular people. If not three.
He's great, dude.
How many people? I don't know. You tell me. I say at least two. Maybe three.
Jamie might take the place of three people.
Wow.
What do you got there? What are those?
These are pouches. They're called Copenhagen's.
Oh, okay. I got these little rogues. I like these.
Is it tobacco?
It's just nicotine.
It's not tobacco. Yeah, it's a pouch.
Those are tobacco.
Yeah, they're tobacco. So you have to spit. Yeah. And when I get blisters, I stop.
Oh, okay. When it burns through your cheek. I had a buddy of mine who was telling me that.
Yeah, yeah.
It made his gums recede.
Yeah. Chewing. Yeah. But then, when you take a break, they grow back. It's like a plant.
Your gums.
Oh, like a little plant. Yeah, yeah. You're trimming it. Yeah, I'm trimming it. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, like a bonsai. Yeah, like a bonsai. Maybe you get better gums that way.
But I quit smoking two years ago, so it's like, that was tough. Was it? Cigarettes? Yeah. Well, I quit drugs and cigarettes.
Well, you went clean. You were clean for a long time.
17 years.
And then what was the first thing? you did?
Well, I relapsed twice. So after the 17 years, my dad died. And he died. And then my mom goes, selfie. So I took a selfie with my mom and the family.
And my dad was dead. And then I decided that was so weird that I took a gummy. I brought one just in case.
How many milligrams?
At the time it was like 10 milligrams. But then I had other stuff in my mom's house. You know what I mean? And I took the rest. And then I relapsed for like four months.
Then I got sober again. And then, when things got crazy in my life, I did it again.
What did you go with again? Did you go with just weed?
Weed and drinking.
And it's fine. at first. I remember taking Edible, going to Hawaii because I was shooting Magnum P.I. or something. And it's fun for a couple of months.
But then I overdo it. And then it's like 24 hours a day. And I'm drinking 24 hours a day. And then people are like, Andrew Santino was concerned. One time he knocked on my hotel room.
And I walked in and I had poo all over my body. And I was in a blackout drunk. And he goes, you had poo all over your body.
That's a good friend. Did he clean you up?
Yeah, he cleaned me up.
Andrew's the best.
He's the best. Well, he was mad. You know how he gets mad.
Of course, you're covered in shit. He's like, you, fucking bastard.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, you're covered in shit. But he didn't abandon you like I would have.
I don't think you would have. I probably wouldn't. You would have cleaned it. But you would have said, clean up and then 10 minutes. I'll see you.
I would have chucked you into the tub.
Yeah, like a cold plunge. Yeah.
Hose you down.
So it got bad. And then what happened was Bob Sackett died. And then Louie died. And for some reason, I was drinking and also I was coughing up blood. I had these chunks of curdled blood, like a ball.
And I had convinced myself that I had fucking cancer. And I always go, death comes in three. Not that I'm that big like those guys. But in my mind, it's like, I'm next. Oh, shit.
And I couldn't sleep. It was fucking terrible. Oh, fuck. But then I got sober and things are fine.
What was the blood? Did you ever find out?
Then I got an x-ray done and it's like, it's fine. I smoked so much weed and cigarettes at the same time. Oh, my God.
You made your lungs bleed?
That's so crazy. Chunks of blood would come out.
Oh, my God. That's crazy.
And I remember I would cough into it like a towel or something. And I would send it to my ex, Kalilah.
Just the photo or the actual towel? Yeah.
And I'd be like, I have cancer.
Because if you send her the whole thing, that's like biopsy.
Oh, really? I don't think so.
No. I mean, if you thought you had some crazy disease. Oh, my God. Did you see these ladies in Denver today? They took a live Ebola vaccine.
There's not even Ebola cases here.
It's in Africa, right?
But this doctor was encouraging people to take this Ebola vaccine just in case Ebola hits. Why does everybody want to freak me out?
I know.
Why does this lady want to freak me out by taking this thing? Like, who knows what the fuck is going to happen to you now? And why does everybody want to freak me out at the fucking possibility of some new disease coming along and killing everybody?
But Ebola's old school. It's a scary one.
Hot zone.
It liquefies your organs, right?
Denver Health Medical Team receives Ebola vaccine. The team became some of the first people to receive the live Ebola vaccine for preventative measures in case of a future outbreak. The first people?
Oh, my God.
Wait a minute. Is the Ebola vaccine new? Did they not have a vaccine before? And now they do?
I don't know.
What the fuck, people?
But back in the day when they had it, they just bombed a village, right?
That's a good question.
What did they do? I don't know what they did.
I don't think it's that easy to spread. I think Ebola has to be spread by bodily fluids.
It's airborne. It's airborne. Right. Yeah, yeah.
But they could fix that.
You think the Chinese?
The Chinese guys?
A little bit of this, a little bit of that. And look, now it flies through the air.
Oh, man. If it was like COVID, like that easy?
Yeah, buddy, Ebola. We're fucked. But that's what scares the shit out of me, man. They keep talking about it. These fucking creeps at the World Economic Forum, they all get together and talk about preparation for disease X.
They're calling it virus X or disease X. They're scaring the shit out of me.
But do you think it's, I don't know. Can I just ask you something? You know me. I don't know much. Okay.
About nothing, right? Right. But do you believe that it was man-made?
Well, it was definitely man-made. Okay. Yeah, I wouldn't say definitely, because I'm not really an expert. Yeah. But every expert that I have talked to that examined the virus itself, the cleavage sites, the way it skipped, all like animal forms, like.
you can't find that virus out in the wild. And then also they made a leap to person. It apparently has all of the earmarks of being engineered.
Wow.
But this is something that they do. This is not like science fiction. So when we say that, it's not like, we're just making up some story about some lab where they're making viruses. No, they fucking 100%, absolutely do it. And they lied about funding it.
That was the big thing with Fauci and the NIH. They lied about funding gain-of-function research and Rand Paul grilled them. You can watch it on YouTube. And then they lied about whether or not this, first of all, was happening, whether or not they were doing gain-of-function research and whether or not they funded it. It's they funded it through another organization.
So they fund another organization, another organization funds the Wuhan lab. And there's a bunch of labs. That's not the only lab. There's a shit ton of them. I visited one with Duncan.
We went down to one in Galveston, Texas. It's fucking terrifying. And I don't know if they're doing gain-of-function research there, but I know they have some of the most deadly viruses and diseases known to man, all with these crazy ventilation tubes and everyone's walking around in these hazmat suits and shit. They let Duncan and I there. Why?
Oh, and by the way, we hadn't slept. So Duncan and I, this is when we were doing. Joe Rogan questions everything for Sci-Fi. Duncan and I, we flew together. So we had to fly together to go to Texas.
And both of us got barbecued. I mean, we took like 500 milligram edibles and totally missed our flight. In the airport, we were just talking for like hours. Like, oh my God, what time is it? Like that bad.
And they're like, this. flight's gone.
The flight's gone.
Like, oh no. So the next flight we had to take place was like five in the morning. And it got us there right before we were supposed to film. So we literally stayed up all night, flew. I think we got a hotel for one hour.
I think we actually got a hotel for one hour. And then we flew, woke up in the morning and just got up, got in the car rather, and just went straight to this lab. So we're delirious. We're still probably high. And we're in this crazy bio lab where they have Ebola.
They have everything. You name it, they've got it. Everything that kills everybody. And it's all like these big, thick plexiglass walls.
Like, oh my God, this is freaking me out.
And me and Doug, we're both like, oh my God, dude.
Are you in a suit too? Are you in a suit?
No. No, no, no, no. We only went into like the administrative offices. They did not let us onto the floor. We didn't go anywhere near any diseases.
They just let us through the – but the doctor scared the fuck out of me. Because what he was saying to me is he – because our piece was all on bioweapons. And one of the things – I interviewed this guy who was formerly from the Soviet Union. I believe it might have been Ukraine. I think it was Soviet Union.
And when he left, he was saying that they, at one point in time, had literal vats of anthrax. Just like a giant fucking swimming pool filled with anthrax. He said they had so much of it. They had so – like bioweapons were a big part of the strategy. Like, if everything goes fucked, if we just decide to start killing each other, if we decide to start nuking each other, that was one of the things they were going to do.
Did they use anthrax in NOM?
I don't believe so.
What's Agent Orange, the same thing?
No, no. Agent Orange is a defoliation. It's Agent Orange. they would spray on the plants so they could find the people in the jungle.
Is it orange?
That's a good question.
Like if I saw it?
Right, that's a good question.
Why orange? Right. Why not yellow?
I don't know what it looks like. There was another word for it, right? What was the other word for Agent Orange? There's like a technical term.
Because if they use it in Vietnam, they should just call it Agent Yellow. Bah! No?
Bah!
Cut that out!
I've always said that Asian people take jokes better than anybody. You know why? Why? All emojis are yellow. No one complains.
It's true. They don't complain. Yellow thumbs up, yellow smiley face, guy, yellow girl. Everyone's yellow.
No one complains. People get mad at me because I allow comics to do Asian accents in front of me, and I laugh at it because I think it's funny, but then people think that I'm like an Uncle Chang.
Right, right, right. No. Listen, first of all, those people are all your friends, and friends mock each other all the time. My friends mock me for being short. They mock me for being bald.
They mock me for being old. It's fun. It's fun. The thing is, mocking me for being Italian, it doesn't work. No one cares.
It's not a bad one. That's why you can call Italians guineas. Nobody gives a shit. They'll call each other guineas. You can call them guineas.
No one cares. Because people don't really hate Italians. Yeah. They find them annoying. A little.
The gold chain ones.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The fucking gabagool, those guys. Some of them are a little. But that's also part of the flavor of that culture. It's fun. But Asian hate is a different kind of hate.
Because Asian hate, like legitimately, people will walk up to Asian people and punch them after COVID. Oh, yeah.
I saw it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's fucking wild.
Wild, yeah.
Just, I mean, that's just strict, racist hate, walking right up to someone and punching them just because.
Like an old man.
Old men, old ladies. It's wild. And they don't even know what kind of Asian it is. It could be someone from the Philippines. It could be someone from China.
They have no fucking idea. They're just hitting people.
It was fucking terrible, yeah. Terrifying. Yeah.
That shit's real.
Yeah. But when it comes to comedy, like back in the day, like you're backstage with a bunch of comics, we see all kinds of fucked up shit.
We try to make each other laugh. And it's hard to make us laugh.
Or shock.
Yeah, or shock.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, shock to make you laugh.
Yeah.
The shocking thing is just so you go, what the fuck is wrong with you? How many times are we in the green room and Joey Diaz will say something like, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And we're on the ground laughing.
Yeah.
But that's what he's trying to do. He's not a bad person. He's trying to make you laugh.
And then we do it, you know, publicly around, you know, on podcasts and stuff, and people just get fucking crazy.
You know what it's like? It's like being around any person that's used to a certain thing. Like, have you ever been around soldiers? Like, especially, like, special operator guys, like Navy SEAL type dudes. They get a couple of drinks and then they start talking war stories.
Yeah, yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. They're funny. They're funny stories about people getting blown up.
Yeah. Like, they have funny stories about it. And guess what? You can't bring that up at the fucking PTA meeting.
You know, you can't. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You have to be around like-minded people that understand those kind of experiences to be able to talk about that. Cops, some of the cops I know have the most fucked up senses of humor. Yeah. They've seen so much. They need a release valve, man.
You need fucking something to let out all the gunshot victims and all the deaths and Highway Act, all the things they see, man. They see so much.
Also, these port cities. back in the day, right? You'd have different races and stuff, and they didn't speak the language. And the way they would connect is make fun of each other and people's accents. You bonded that way.
But that was the nicest thing they could do to each other back then. Those port cities were just filled with violence.
Yeah, probably, yeah.
Violence. It's all gangs in New York.
Yeah.
That's what it was like, man. That's real. When people came here from other countries, like my ancestors came here, or my grandparents came here in the 1920s. Wow. They came from Italy, and on my father's side, they came from Ireland.
One from Ireland. He was from Ireland. The mother's from Italy. They're all immigrants. Everybody's an immigrant.
Those people that came to that place, they all, were so wild. They were willing to get on a boat with their kids and travel across the ocean. You didn't know if you had a job. You didn't know what it looked like. You had to look at a drawing of it.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, somebody had to tell you. You had to get a letter from Uncle Pete. You know, I made it to America. I got a job in the shipyard.
It's great. I'm making 50 bucks a month. Then they're like, oh, 50 bucks a month. Then they get in their boat with their babies. Those were wild people.
A lot of them were.
Like the Chinese, right? Oh, yeah. Back in the day, they had three options. I could do laundry. Right?
Dynamite, Detail Railroad.
Right?
Opium Den. Restaurant. Oh, restaurant. I'm Opium Den. Yeah.
Back in the day. Yeah, you'd be a cool Opium Den. Yeah, you'd be like, what's my name? Mr. Jones.
Right? I'd lay them down on a nice, like, you know what I mean? Felt mattress. Oh, you'd have cool lighting. Yeah, great lighting.
Yeah, yeah. Ride the dragon. Right. Ride the dragon. I would stick it in their mouth.
Yeah. Light it for them. Yeah. Right?
And then touch their head as they're going. Right.
Just like, oh.
Right, right. Whoa. Yeah. Like in that movie, Once Upon a Time in America.
Yeah.
Where De Niro was like, fucked up on opiates.
Everybody got fucked up on it once you did it.
Yeah.
They get fucked up. That's what's wild about social media. Social media is addictive, and it doesn't even feel good. Opium, at least you feel great. You feel great.
Look at all those dudes at Opium Den.
Oh, my God. Mine would look so much better than that.
I had Peter Berg on. You know, Peter Berg did that. You know, he's amazing. He's done a million things. That guy's the shit.
But he did that. Netflix series, Painkiller. The one on the Sackler family. Didn't see it.
And holy shit, dude. I see. Okay, I'll see.
The opioid crisis. But he told me that he tried it once. He said, I tried Oxycontin once recreationally. He was like, oh, my God. Get this the fuck away from me.
He goes, it was great.
Yeah.
It just makes you feel so good. That's the problem. That's the problem, those goddamn things.
Well, when I was on MADtv, and I relapsed. Because at 13 years, I got on MADtv, I got addicted to Vicodin. And I was taking 30 or 40 a day. Jesus Christ. Yeah, and when I got off of that shit, dude.
Right? It was the worst detox I've ever fucking felt. And then I had to do a Connie Chung sketch on MAD. Two days into fucking detoxing. And I shit my pants on camera.
And they didn't air it.
Because you shit your pants?
Yeah, I went, good evening. I play Connie Chung. Right. And I'm shaking. Oh, boy.
Good evening. I'm Connie. As I said, Connie.
I pooed.
And I had stockings. And then I had a wardrobe wipe-in. Oh, boy. It was fucking terrible. It was fucking terrible.
Oh, boy. And I got sober then. But it's like, yeah, Vicodin and opiates are the worst.
What other job can you do that? And they're like, just clean them up. I know. It's really good.
At McDonald's?
You're out. You're out. You're gone.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We try to finish.
You're working for Apple. That's a wrap. That's a wrap.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Even on stage. You're in the Genius Bar. You shit your pants.
That's it, Bobby. Yeah.
No more.
Even on stage, you can go up to a guy and go, fuck you.
Yeah.
Like, in comedy, you don't get fired for that. It's fucking amazing. It's amazing. If you did that at Jamba Juice, you're done. Right.
But I remember you telling me a story, how you had been up all night, and you got back to Mad TV. You had to get there for something. Was it a table read or what? And you had a giant knife on you. You're super paranoid and tweaking.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
He said you were carrying a Bowie knife.
Yeah, Bowie. And sometimes a Klingon. You're one of those guys that's got a love story. Yeah. So I had a Klingon knife.
How big was it? It was like this long. I still have it by my bed, right? And I would stick it right here, right? And an open Hawaiian shirt.
And I was breaking out. That's what it looks like? That's what it looked like, yeah. Oh, that's pretty dope. Yeah, yeah.
That is actually pretty dope. That's what Klingons would carry around?
And then they would.
Isn't that crazy? They have spaceships, but they still need knives.
It seems so.
. Like, you don't have a better weapon. I never thought about it that way. Well, first of all, they didn't even have the fucking internet. Right.
It's the dumbest show ever. And they had walkie-talkies. They hadn't even figured out phones yet.
I never thought about that. Like, Kirk out.
Click. You'd have to hang up.
You'd have to hang up. You would think they would have, like, a... Nothing. Yeah, something, yeah.
But yet they could beam you up.
Yeah.
You literally take your body and reconstruct it.
It's still a good show.
It's a great show.
It's still a good sci-fi show.
Listen, I love Star Trek.
Next Generation?
No, first one. No. The real one. The old one.
I'm sorry. I'll back up. I'm sorry. You're wrong.
I'm not wrong.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I just say something?
I can't be wrong for liking something.
I understand that. I think that you're misinformed.
How so?
Because.
. And do me a favor. Season five...
No.
All right.
I'll tell you right now. I know, but can I just... Just open your heart. It's open. Okay.
May I say what I'm going to say?
Right.
May I? Yes, please. All right. Season five. Okay.
Second to the last episode. Okay. The episode's called Inner Light.
I'm not going to watch it.
I'm not asking you to. I'm not asking you to.
I'm not.
But I'm asking your fans.
Okay, they'll watch it.
to check it out, right? They're going to yell at me. That episode is the greatest piece of sci-fi ever filmed. And Adam Egan hated Star Trek. I forced him to watch this episode.
He watched every episode after that. Really? Yeah.
Okay.
I'll watch it. It's a great episode.
Okay, I will watch it. Okay, thank you. Now I changed my mind. I will watch it. See?
Your heart was open.
It looks interesting. Yeah, yeah. It looks interesting because he's walking around in shirts.
Okay.
See what he's got to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe he's on a vision quest.
No, the concept is great. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I believe you.
Okay, good. Thank you.
I like the old one just for nostalgic purposes, because I'm old. And because when I was a kid, that was on television. I remember watching Star Trek. Captain Kirk, like, oh my God, he's the coolest.
Yeah, he was the best.
You know? And it was also, it's so corny. Like, if you watch it today, it's gone to this point where it becomes funny. It's parody.
Yeah.
Like, there's a scene where Captain Kirk has a fight with, like, a lizard man on a planet.
Yeah, I remember that one.
Have you ever seen it?
I remember that, yeah.
It's the dumbest fight scene ever. I know. It's right up there with the six million dollar man versus Bigfoot. That's the dumbest one.
Yeah, this one.
But this one's pretty dumb. Look how handsome he was.
So handsome.
First of all, this lizard is so goddamn slow. I would fuck this lizard up.
I would fuck him up, dude. I would fuck, look how slow he is.
Bro, I would fuck him up. I would be leg kicking him right now. Whap! Whap! I'd take them knees out.
Oh, what a shitty body kick! Wow. He fights like Brendan Shaw a little bit.
But all he did is throw him. Brendan Shaw was a good fighter.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm gonna show you now.
Knocked out, Mirko Coco. I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
I love him.
So look at this. He's right next to you and he's not even biting you. Yeah, yeah. This is the biggest pussy lizard of all time. He's not even biting!
He's not biting! The neck is right there. He's got a giant mouth filled with teeth. Easily he could bite. There's no restraint keeping him from biting.
Yeah. Oh, that was a good ear move.
Look at that, Captain Kirk. He hit him with the ears.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, he hurt him with the ears! Yeah.
So what does he do?
He runs away like a pussy. Now he's gonna throw rocks at him.
Yeah.
You gotta hit him in the ear, bro. Get close. The guy's. slow as fuck. Look at him.
This is so dumb. This is so dumb. This is so dumb it hurts my feelings.
But imagine shooting that that day. It's so hot. That guy in the lizard suit? Oh my God.
Oh, he's sweating his dick off. Yeah. He's having it rough. Because that's probably Burbank or somewhere. Yeah.
That totally looks like it could be California. Doesn't it?
Yeah, they must have shot it.
Oh, he's gonna pick up the rock. Look how fake that rock looks. Watch him, throw that rock. All you have to do is just get out of the way now. Don't stand there.
I know, I know. Get out of the fucking way, bro!
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Well, that was good, though. How casual did he get out of the way? Because he knew it wasn't a real rock.
Yeah. It reminds me of when, remember, that guy threw the shoe at Bush?
This is picture-perfect, terrible acting.
Yeah.
Picture-perfect, terrible choreography. Everything about it is hilarious. Does it end? That was it.
Yeah.
It doesn't kill him?
He ran away. That's it? He ran away.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. How dumb. Throwing boulders at him. I love that show.
Yeah. It reminds me of old Godzillas.
You remember when Captain Kirk hooked up with that green lady? It was a big deal.
Would you have? Yeah!
I wouldn't have fucked the Avatar lady.
So if you and I had a.
The Avatar lady? That lady's hot.
On Pandora? I don't know. It looks blue.
The one.
. I wouldn't give a fuck. The one that he eventually winds up with? Yeah.
She's hot. But you know how, like, the creatures connect with the tails and whatever, then they communicate? Yeah. Does that come out of the vagina, too? I don't know.
I don't think they have a vagina. Oh. I think you just link up like that and come in your mouth.
Oh, you come? Oh, yeah, I'd love to come in my mouth.
Who knows how the babies even get there?
I can't.
. You know, can I ask you...
They don't have.
. I mean, they have things over their dicks, so they must have dicks, right? They all had loincloths. Yeah.
When I'm 52, Joe and I, I can't. I can't. I can't cum.
You can't cum?
I cum every other time.
Every other time. That's good.
That's good enough. I like edging.
But how much are you fucking? Are you trying to fuck every day? Or jerk off every day? Maybe you're running out of jizz. Maybe you just have a small factory, you know, and you're just demanding too much output.
No, my factory's pretty big, dude.
Your balls are big?
For my size, yeah.
Yeah, but, like, for normal humans, when you hit 52, like, how often are you cumming?
Every other day. That's reasonable. That's reasonable. But when I'm in the sack with a woman... Oh.
Psychologically, I can't do it.
So do you just fake it?
I pull up.
. Spit on her? No. Ah! I dim the lights.
Yeah? And I do a back. I go back. You go back. So there's a...
Yeah. Okay. So I go, ah! And I go to the back of the wall.
Good move.
In the dark.
Oh, and act it out.
Good actor, right? Epilepsy. Right. Seizure. And I go straight to the bathroom.
Like, I'm washing it. Whoa. Okay. So they can't see the cum.
That's a good move.
Thank you.
It's a good move. You want to be deceptive.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I guess that's not a terrible thing to deceive people about, whether or not you cum.
Yeah, I mean, but I feel bad.
Girls are all guilty of it.
Yeah, but I don't want them to feel bad like they're not hot. It has nothing to do with them. I get it. Right? I'm just being, like, a nice guy.
What a sensitive person.
Yeah, I'm.
. I was in a 10-year thing, and now I'm, like, single, so I'm just experimenting, you know? I get it. Yeah.
I get it.
You do? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
It's still fun, though.
Yeah, you're having a good time, Bobby. Yeah, I am. As long as you're enjoying life, that's what you should be doing. You should be enjoying life.
You know, Joe, may I say? Yes.
I am. That's beautiful. Because when you weren't enjoying life, it bothered me. It bothered me because I love you, and, like, you're such a nice guy, and you get weirded out by so many different things.
Like what? Like what?
You were just always paranoid that people didn't like you, and, you know, you were always weirded out by stuff, you know? Even me and you, like, we hadn't seen each other for six months, like, do you still like me? I'm like, I love you. What are you talking about? Give me a hug.
Because we have history. Yeah, but our history is all beautiful.
It's a beautiful history.
We have history of.
. we've never been in an argument. No. We've never yelled at each other.
No.
We've always had good times. Yeah. We've had a lot of laughs.
We have. Oh, my God, dude. Some great laughs. Oh, my God.
We had laughs. Oh, my God.
We've had moments where I even recall that you probably don't even remember. Like one time, you and I were at the comedy store. We're in the patio, and Eddie Griffin bumped us, right? And we were talking shit.
So this must be early days.
Early days.
Back in the day. Yeah, the 90s, right?
90s, right? Wow. And then I remember there was a black guy near us listening, and he told Eddie Griffin that we were talking shit about him, and he confronted us. Yeah. I remember that.
And we were like, fuck off, you know what I mean? But it was like... Because he used to do hours. Yeah.
Well, he would do three hours. He would go on at 9 o'clock, and your spot would be at 9.15, and he would do three hours.
It was him, Dice would do it sometimes, Mencia would do it all the time. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Yeah, but the thing is, it was kind of the culture of the comedy store, in Eddie's defense, is that if you reach a certain level of fame, and at the time, Eddie was definitely more famous than us. And he was... I still, to this day, maintain that Eddie Griffin's set on Def Jam was one of the best fucking... I don't know, was it 10 minutes, 15 minutes, whatever he did, it was one of the best sets I've ever seen. He had shorts on, remember?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he had so much energy, man. I remember... I'm pretty sure I was in New York at the time when I watched it, I was like, God damn, this fucking dude is talented.
Yeah, I'm not questioning his skill set.
But it's the culture thing. This is what I was gonna say. There was a thing at the store. When you reach a certain level of prominence, you were allowed to just do whatever the fuck you wanted. And people would show up, and apparently, Kenniston used to do that, and a lot of guys used to do that.
But do ours?
I get it, man. I don't agree with it. You wouldn't do it? No. But there's...
Certain guys. did. Certain guys that are really good. did. Chappelle did it.
There's a bunch of guys who did it. It was a thing that you were allowed to do there. You know what I'm saying? And it was like, I think we probably all should have talked about it and said, this is kind of crazy.
But I still, to this day, went to Emily and I go, give me a list right now of the people that are allowed to bump me.
Right. Right.
She goes, I'll get back to you.
Nobody should be allowed to bump you. If someone wants to do a set, if a famous person is in town, they should ask you if it's okay. That's how I feel. I never bump anybody. I don't do it.
But it still happens. No. I know. Also, it's a thing that was the Comedy Store's mark that you had made it to a certain level. If you could show up, and some guys would try to get it, they would try to bump people and, like, you're nobody.
Some people are crazy. Crazy.
Delusional.
Yeah. They're like a YouTube person or someone who's on some show. Literally. Someone who's on some show that you've never heard of. that was on like the WB or something.
Yeah.
What are you talking about?
Yeah.
There's a few guys that, like, wanted to try that juice before because it was that thing. Like when someone would show up, whoever it was, some, Chris Rock would show up, he would just go on stage. That's it. Chris Rock goes on stage when he gets there.
But he's on the list. I have a list.
Of people that are allowed to bump.
Yeah. You're on the list.
Okay.
You wouldn't do it, but you're on it. Yeah. I don't do it. Yeah. Chris Rock's on the list.
Chappelle's on the list. Bill Burr's on the list.
Makes sense.
Right? But then there are people, you know what I mean, that aren't. And they do it, and it drives me fucking crazy.
Well, it's a weird thing. It's like you're trying to appease the talent. You never know who's really going to make it big, and you don't want to piss them off now.
I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that.
I know.
I always told people, be nice to comic club owners because you don't want to be one. That was my advice always to comics. Because they always get mad at comic club owners. I go, listen, man, you do not want to be one of these people, and we fucking need them. This is a crazy job.
You're dealing with maniacs that may or may not take their flight, might show up drunk. Yeah. Might get arrested Friday night after the first show. Yeah.
Imagine you're feeding your family based on these fucking maniacs that come in every week.
I know, I know, I know.
I mean, these people are regular people.
I would go to comedy clubs, and I would look at the off and see the calendar, and it would always say Pablo Francisco with a question mark.
Oh, yeah, Pablo was a rock star.
Yeah, yeah. So it's like, I get it.
Yeah, look, Pablo's fucking insanely talented.
He's so talented. Oh, my God.
Pablo goes to the basement. He gets in there. He goes and looks around those dark corners, son. He goes out there. He goes into the tunnel.
I just feel so sad about it, but he could have been the biggest thing.
He should have been.
That's how talented.
He should have been huge.
In the 90s, oh, my God.
Crusher, Destroyer, and so fun to be around. Like a sweetheart of a guy. Nobody hated Pablo. Sweetheart of a guy.
Yeah, but he had that skill set on stage. that was like a combination between impressions and act outs, and he had everything.
And funny jokes, too.
Yeah, funny jokes.
He had all of it together, and just so likable. Such a great guy.
Such a nice guy, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, I see that still to this day.
I was really lucky that the thing that I was into was weed, and that the thing I was into made me terrified. It made me paranoid. It was the opposite of giving me courage. It gave me no courage.
Marijuana was a courage killer. It made me feel like courage is foolish. You're so vulnerable. Life is vulnerable. And it made me appreciate people more, like legitimately.
Do you perform when you're high, sometimes? All the time. Do you ever lose your place or no? No. That's what I found.
I take a lot of nootropics. That's one of the keys.
Can I have one? Yeah, take four of those.
That's Alpha Brain, Black Label. That stuff is the shit.
Whenever I see a show on your online, I always want to try your little things.
That's a good one to try.
I'm affiliated with this company, obviously, but this is not the only one that I try. I'll tell people about some stuff that I have no affiliation with. Neurogum is one of them. We always keep Neurogum in the studio.
Can I have a packet of Neurogum when I leave?
We can have one right now.
Give me a packet, please. I'm not going to do it. We have plenty.
We should get some more. We're probably running dry. We go through four or five fucking boxes of that stuff.
Neurogum really works?
Oh yeah, 100%. It's got theanine in it and caffeine and a couple other things. What it does is it enhances your memory. It enhances your brain's ability to form sentences. With Alpha Brain, we did two double-blind placebo-controlled studies at the Boston Center for Memory.
It showed an increase in alpha flow state. It showed an increase in verbal memory. I think it was reaction time. It does something. We did it at a dose.
that's half of what I take. Sometimes I take six. If I'm feeling frustrated...
Does it hit right away or no? No. If I'm talking to a scientist, I'll take a shitload of them. I'll take six.
Like Lex? I love that guy.
He's awesome. Any scientist, any time I'm talking to someone who's explaining to me some very complicated things about the universe. I don't want any fogginess. I want to be locked in.
One of my fears of doing your show is science and the things you guys talk about. I'm not talking about science. I know, I'm just saying. I don't know nothing about anything.
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