#2097 - Jeff Dye
2024-02-02 02:30:45
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
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Hey, Chester, how you doing? Thanks for having me, man.
My pleasure, brother.
I'm a big fan, so.
You were very funny last night. It was fun.
Oh, thanks, yeah. It was fun shit. I was telling them before you got here. that, like, it's very rare that I got a little nerves.
Yeah, that club's weird.
And so when I came up, I was like, you know, this is a big deal, you know? Like, I don't... It's been a while since I've had some nerves, and I was coming out there, going, oh, it took me, like, about 30, 40 long seconds to really dial in and go, all right. I was kind of having an ad in my head, going, Joe's watching, and I hope this goes well, you know, because it's such a beautiful club. Yeah, the bar's high.
Yeah. Oh, that whole crowd's going. Oh, we, you know, we're going to see everybody. Tom Segura, Joe Rogan, we're going to see.
You followed Brian Simpson, too, who's really fucking on fire right now.
I was just very, very.
. It was just cool. It was cool to be in that. You got a torch?
Yeah. Yeah, there's one right there.
Oh, that's a torch, too? Look at you. You got all the gadgets, huh?
Yeah, we.
. Shout out to Foundation Cigars. They actually made us some Comedy Mothership logoed cigars.
They're really good. Is it out? Yeah, here. Try this one. Sorry.
It might be almost out of juice.
Got it.
But, um, yeah, I get it. I was nervous when I first did stand-up there, too.
Yeah, it's like that.
It was my first set there. It was weird. I was like, are we really doing this?
Yeah, it's in your dad. We're daddy there.
We were talking about this for two years. Yeah. And then, all of a sudden, we're doing it? Like, we were all shit in our pants. Every one of us backstage was like, fuck.
Yeah. We were all...
It's such a cool place.
But the thing is, like, we had been doing so much stand-up.
Yeah, yeah, your whole life.
To get weirded out by this one, set for some reason.
It's special.
Yeah, it felt like the audience was like that, too. They felt a little weirded out, too. They were like, wow, this is real. Like, they got to be there at the very first show.
I used to feel like that at the store, a bit. Mm-hmm. Like, you know, I would literally crush at the Laugh Factory 25 minutes before I walked over to the comedy store. And then I was like, gosh, I hope Adam sees this. You know, like, for whatever reason, like, the store has...
I think every comic has some sort of weird issues with the comedy store. For sure. All different things, but, like, I don't know how or why.
When I was a kid, when I was 21,, when I first started doing stand-up, people would talk about the comedy store like. it was Mecca. Like, you had to make your pilgrimage. This was where Richard Pryor came from. This is where Sam Kinison came from.
It was Mecca. Yeah. And you only heard about, you know, like, that. this is the spot. There was no other one place you had to go to.
Like, you could go to Catch. You could go to Catch a Rising Star, which is in New York. You could go, which is a great club. You could go to the Improv in Melrose. That was a great club.
It was all great. The store was Mecca.
Yeah.
And when you got past there.
. Dude, I was already on a television show when I got past.
And when getting on a television show was cool. It was cool to be on TV. Like, wow, I can't believe I'm on TV. This is nuts. But the real thing for me was when Mitzi passed me.
Yeah.
I was like, oh, my God. Like, I think I'm a real comedian. Like, I'm a real professional. Because, you know, in the beginning, the few years, you feel like such a fraud. You feel like...
Any stage time.
Yeah. You're learning it as you go. You're not really sure if you're going to make it. Some of your jokes suck. Yeah.
Now, and then, though, you get one that pops. Yeah. You're like, God, I need more of those. Like, I need more like that one.
That's why so many comics go edgy or, like, dirty. soon. Of course. Because, like, at least the reaction is better than bombing. Exactly.
I'd rather that than silence, you know.
And there's always some subjects that just have built-in laughs. You know, there's some subjects, like, you pretty much can't fuck it up. It's a topic that people like to laugh just at the top of it.
I feel like every comic, when you start, tell me if you found this to be true. Of course, they all start with the, I know what I look like. Or I look like. Or you hear that version of that. Right.
Or they come up with some sort of song lyrics. Because songs are poems. Yeah. And they're metaphors. So, for whatever reason, every comic is like, I was listening to this song the other day.
Yeah.
And the lyrics were like, yeah. Because it's a metaphor. And you're going to take the most literal route on this writing.
Yeah.
To make yourself sound smarter than the artist. But it's like, it's kind of like, trying to get to you and that monkey. And you're like, he's trying to get to a monkey? And you're like, no. That's the radio edit of booty.
You know, they can't say trying to get to you and that pussy or booty or whatever. The real lyric is.
Yeah.
The thing.
Well, it's just pop culture, too, right? So, you really, you're terrified to talk about something that people don't know about. You don't want to have to explain something. While you're, because then you have to get their full attention. It's not an immediate.
Like, if you wanted to bring up LeBron James. You say the name LeBron James. Everybody knows who LeBron James is. It's an instantaneous reference. Absolutely.
But if you want to talk about some weird sect of the Christian church that you grew up in. You're like, what?
What?
Like, that's a fucking black belt joke. You know, like, you have to.
You're not there yet.
Yeah. You're not ready for, like, an esoteric subject. You're not ready for any weirdness.
I had a comic. tell me the other night. We did this corporate event. I don't want to say his name, because, you know. But he's just new.
That's all. He's not guilty of being unfunny. He's not guilty of being a bad guy. He's just guilty of being new. Yeah.
That's all it is. Like, we all were.
And he goes, what do you think about this joke? And it's this wildly insensitive joke about the Bible and Mary. And it's a gross oversimplification. But it's also just latently disrespectful. Like, and that's okay.
You know, Louie wants to do that joke. You want to do that joke. Some people want to limp in on that subject. You can do it. And I go, you can't.
You know what I'm saying? Like, what do you mean, I can't? I go, no. You're not ready for that. Two months in, you're trying to tackle that?
Yeah. Like, it's not going to work.
You do an abortion joke in your first five minutes? Like, settle down. Yeah.
These people have no idea who you are. And you're like, it's not going to work.
Leave that to Bill Burr. Yeah. Leave the abortion joke to Bill Burr.
Maybe not month one, but. Yeah.
You're not, you don't have any idea what you sound like. You have any idea how other people are perceiving you. It's chaos up there. It doesn't seem like it should be. It's, I feel like we understand it more than most people, which is why so many people think they can do it.
But even we kind of barely understand it. Like, I understand how I do it. But there's a lot of guys I see, I'm like, I don't know what you're doing, but it's hilarious. Harlan Williams.
I love Harlan. Harlan Williams. He's so silly.
He's so silly. Yeah. When you watch him on stage, like, if you wrote that out.
Oh, yeah.
It would not make any sense. Sir, can you please look away?
I'm trying to perform up here.
I'm fucking dying. He was on Kill Tony, and he brought a checkbook and started just writing checks to people for like a billion dollars. And it just became this running gag. It was hilarious.
He had Jeff Ross roast a roast. He pulled out a roast, and he put two little googly eyes on it, and he goes, I want you to roast this roast. And that's only Harlan can do that.
Only Harlan.
If anyone else did that, I'd be like, get this dog shit out of here. But like, Harlan Williams, it's perfectly his voice.
I've known that guy for probably like 25, 26 years. He's always been super cool. No one hates Harlan Williams. No one. You will never meet anybody who doesn't like Harlan Williams.
He isn't like, but is exactly like Norm Macdonald, where he's got his own thing. His own thing. And they're both Canadian. And they're not similar, but they're both these unique, one-of-a-kind men.
Yeah, he doesn't vary. Yeah. He's always that guy. He's always like this super sweet guy. That guy offstage, onstage, hey, fella, what a great club.
You know, he's a pumpkin pie haircut freak. He improv'd that on the movie Dumb and Dumber to Jim Carrey. And it stays in the script. Like, that's how.
Yeah, no, that's Harlan.
He's such a fun guy.
But, like, I don't know how he does it. Imagine being Harlan's comedy coach. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, just do you, dude. Yeah, I don't know how to tell you.
William Montgomery is another one. Have you seen William? He's a young guy from Austin. He was in L.A. for a while, then he came out here.
His comedy is, so, I wish I could do one of his bits, but I don't want to give up some of his material.
You've got a kid that works at Mothership who I'm obsessed with. And I don't know if he'll be a star. I don't know. I've never been able to predict any of this shit. If you'd have asked me, if I'd have thought, a lot of these people that became stars are stars.
I'm not a good read of this. But I do know a brilliant comic when I see one, a Casey Rocket.
Oh, yeah, he's very funny.
Well, here's the difference. So, for me, here's the difference. Is, when you watch me, you go, oh, I know who Jeff's inspired by. He likes Patrice. He likes Norm.
He likes these truth tellers. And he loves the Simpsons. And if you know that formula, when you watch me, you go, that's what this guy liked. That's what he watched.
No one's doing what Casey Rocket's doing. No. So at least it's different enough that, whether you love it or hate it, you go, I've never seen it before.
Well, first of all, you should appreciate that. But then also appreciate that, whatever he's doing, it's funny right now. And he's going to get better.
Yeah.
I love it. He's going to get even more better.
I watched him. I don't know if you'll like me saying this. He didn't do too great on the show that I watched. And I'm in the back going, whatever that is, sign me up. I'll watch that.
He varies. But he does well a lot. He does well a lot. He's got real potential. He's a funny dude.
He did like six minutes on Jimmy Carter. Kid's in his 20s. He's doing Jimmy Carter jokes. And I'm in the back going, no one's going to. Because it was like a bar show in Manhattan Beach.
And they want some race hustling jokes.
Oh, yeah. If you're doing a bar show in Manhattan Beach, that's hit or miss.
It is hit or miss.
Those are good for just stress testing the vehicle, though.
Dan, who cares? If the joke doesn't work, you can, you know. I watched you last night for probably 30 minutes of the hour that you did. It seems like you're having a lot of fun. I'm having a lot of fun.
Is this new? I've seen you a bunch of times. But it's been a few years, I think, since I've got to see you on stage. And you seem like you're having so much fun.
I'm having a good time.
That's inspiring to watch.
Yeah, well, first of all, I'm in a place where I can do whatever I want. So I'm doing as much stand-up as I want. And I'm doing it specifically just to make the stand-up better. That's how I think about it. All I'm doing is I treat it like what is the most important thing of it?
The most important thing is the show.
Try in some way to always tweak it, always make it better.
Figure out what you're doing. Add a thing.
And to have all this opportunity for stage time at the club, I basically set up a residency in my home city.
It's pretty sweet. It was fun to watch.
It's fun, dude. It's fun.
I like seeing that more than I like seeing a lot of things in our business. I love it. I like comedy so much. I do, too. That I want to see some more.
So I went on the road with this guy named Kermit Appeal from Washington State. And he's a road dog and a really talented guy. He won the Seattle International Comedy Competition, which, when I first started comedy, that was a huge deal to us up in Seattle. And he brought me on the road. I was terrible.
I was a terrible open-miker. I was a king of the open-mikers in Seattle. And so he brings me on the road to open for him. And he goes, you know, the only reason I'm bringing you on the road is you make me like stand-up comedy again. You're so excited about it and the way you don't shut up about it.
And you want to tell jokes and you want to write jokes. Or you tell me, hey, last night, after that bit, have you thought about adding this? And, like you, make me remember that I like it. And I do feel like, and I've been doing comedy since 2005.. I do feel a little bit of that where I'm looking for someone to, I just, I like, I love being in that green room and hanging.
I love this. I love the stand-up part. But like that's really fun. I don't want to just perform and go home. I want it to be like in the comedy.
Yeah. I don't know. I like that part of it. Yeah, we feed off each other.
That's the reason why I created the club. We were already performing out here. We started performing out here in November of 2020, indoors. And it was, it was sketchy. I never was.
Like. there was a feeling of sketchiness. I was like, I remember we got really high one time. And I went on stage. I was like, this is so not safe.
It's like the middle.
What are we doing?
Middle of COVID. And they have indoor shows packed. There's no, the social distancing had sucked my dick.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There was no social distancing. It was just packed. Everybody was just going out like they were going out.
I love that.
And we were at, how many of you guys have had COVID? Like fucking half the crowd already had it. Yeah, it was wild times. But what we needed was a home base. And I was like, this place that we're at, the Vulcan, which is a really fun place to play, and a really fun place to see stand-up.
It's a real fun room. But I wanted to do it where we had full control of it. Where it was just comics. We have a group of humans that are really good at an art form. And I say, what do you think we should do?
And everybody's suggestion got in there. The reason why the ceiling is the height that it is, because I took Louie. And Louie went and looked around. He goes, can you lower the ceiling? And I said, I think we can.
Can we lower the ceiling? And I brought over the construction. guys. I'm like, what can we do? And like, yeah, we can get it down three more feet.
He's like, get it down as low as you can get it. We just wanted to make sure that we could see from the balcony. That was the critical thing. Make sure the ceiling didn't impede the view from the balcony. So we got to right where it doesn't.
And then it really tightened the room up. But he also told me, he goes, comics like to hear that sound of echo. But that sucks. It sucks for the sound. That's like, you want the sound to be as clean as possible.
You should make everything almost like a sound studio. Have you done the old ice house?
Yeah, love the old. All that hard wood that popped.
The comedy pops there. It's also great crowds out there too. But it's the structure of the building adds to the sound. But you don't really necessarily want that. You really want the actual laughs and like everybody, to hear everything you're saying.
Clearly.
Wait, do you think there was a problem with the ice house in the old way? Like the way? it was too easy and popped?
It wasn't a problem because it was a really small room. But it would have been a problem in a slightly larger room. It gets slightly larger and those echoes get weird. They get weird in corners. That's one of the things about the Vulcan.
I've had friends come to the show and they would go, we couldn't hear right where we were. We had to move. I go, what was the matter? They're like, everything is echoing. I was like, oh, no, really?
So I guess there was like, you know how sound works and hard surfaces and corners? If you're in like the back of a little corner area and sound's coming from, a speaker pointed a specific direction, it's probably not set up for comedy is what I'm trying to say. So we decided to just set it up from the jump. It's great. Like the best way we could, you know, the whole tunnel system, the whole, there's an elevator.
It's perfect. It's literally you've made, it's a masterpiece.
So, when we opened it, it was nerve wracking. It was like, what are we doing?
Me and my buddy, Brant, this was literally last weekend. I think it was last weekend. We're playing a club and the club's great. I don't want to name it because I'm about to say something that's not great about the acoustics. But he gets on stage, he's crushing.
And he's doing all these little bullshit savers, you know, like, well, that did better last week. You know, those little things you say after a joke does bad. The crowd's looking around going, what is he talking about? So then he does another joke and then he's like, all right, you guys don't like, and he keeps narrating. But, like, Brant, you're crushing, but I can't talk to him.
He's on stage. And so then I get on stage and I'm like, tough crowd, man. What's going on here?
Like, oh, you can't hear them.
Couldn't hear. I thought I was doing bad. And Brant's like, that was amazing. And then Brant was doing amazing, and he thought he was doing bad up there. So we came up with, like a symbol for the next shows.
Like, if you're doing –.
How far was the audience from you that you couldn't hear them?
We heard laughs. We heard laughs. Right. But we just don't – we're used to a sound as a comedian of what killing is. So, you know, we get laughs on every sentence.
Doesn't mean you're killing. And so we were just saying this. We're like, all right, this means don't worry about it. You're doing good. And if it is that the joke sucks or the bit sucks, we'll do this.
Like, hey, it's you. It's you that is – But, like, you need to know, is it me or is it the crowd?
You got like a line coach. Yeah.
We're going, you know. But it's because that sound is so important. If you think you're doing bad, you know, and the crowd doesn't think you are, or vice versa.
Did you watch any of the Zoom comedy people tried to do?
Joe, I was one of the Zoom people. No! I had to, dude.
I had to. Hey, I would have done it. I would have done it.
I had one corporate event that was like $10,000 corporate that was supposed to be in a theater. And then they're like, well, we can't now because COVID something. I just don't get that money or they're going to have to reschedule for another time. And they go, but we can do it on Zoom. And I was like, well, that's $10,000..
And I would do it. It was terrible.
So you did a corporate gig on Zoom? Yes.
And I couldn't hear them because their things aren't on.
It's a bunch of people. Oh, my God.
Dude, it was a nightmare, Joe. Also, I got to say, it's really nice for me to be here because during COVID, I was like enemy number one in Los Angeles in a lot of ways.
Really?
I'd have people at my house. I was like, I'm not doing this shit. I was like the only guy who was like actually putting on a story. Like, I'm not doing this. I'd like go to coffee shops, you know, and I'd wear a mask when they, you know, when I'd be one of those guys, you know, I'd wear the mask in the store, but then, you know, I'm going to drink my coffee.
Right. So there were comics who are now cool with me again, but at the time we're like, can you believe Jeff Dye is just not taking this serious? And I was like, I wish I lived in a place like this, or Florida, or something during that lockdown.
Well, I kind of saw what was going on in the beginning, but I was hoping that we would come out of it and it really would just be a couple of weeks and everything would be back to normal. But when it got to a month and there was no talk at all about reopening, and then there was talk about, it might be six months. It was, it got real weird. And then there was a George Floyd riots. And then there was a lines outside the gun stores.
And I was like, okay, I see where this is going. I'm getting the fuck out of here. So I came out here in May of 2020.. That's when I first started looking, found a house, moved in August. So that quick.
In August of 2020, I'm like, see ya. And it was in the middle of my Spotify deal. The beginning, excuse me, not even the middle, but Spotify deal hadn't even started. It started from out here. They were like, what the fuck are you doing?
As from us going, what do you mean? he's moving? So he's going to change. Also, you're a weed guy. We're going to Texas.
He's going to go to Texas with the weed.
Well, apparently it's decriminalized here in Austin. Praise Jesus. But then I heard that Ken Paxton is trying to sue the city of Austin, who I've met. He's a very nice gentleman. Ken, how dare you?
What's he suing it for?
I don't know. I think it has something to do with the marijuana laws. Listen, maybe it has something to do with something other. politically. Like, they sue you for this.
So you refund the police. I don't know how all that shit works, but there's a lot of weirdness when it comes to that. Ken Paxton sues Texas cities, including Austin, for decriminalizing weed. Dude.
But why, Ken?
It's just stupid, Ken. Don't get involved in this. This is a dumb perspective. The whole law is dumb, and it was based on fraud from the very beginning. If you look at the history of why marijuana is illegal, it goes back to William Randolph Hearst and Harry Anslinger.
They conspired. That's the reason why they made movies like Reef or Madness. They wrote all these stories in the newspaper about marijuana and how marijuana was causing blacks and Mexicans to rape white ladies.
Which turned out not to be true.
They made this shit up. You can find instances. There's a lot of people. But the point is that they made all this shit up just so they could stop hemp. Because they had come up with a new method of processing hemp fiber.
There was a new machine that was invented, called a decorticator. And the decorticator allowed them to economically, effectively process hemp without using slave labor. See, when they stopped using slaves, and then when they started picking cotton, people moved from hemp to cotton. But cotton sucks compared to hemp. Hemp is a way better cloth.
It's way more durable. My friend Todd says it's like an alien plant. Because it is like an alien plant. There's nothing like it. You could use its fiber to make clothes.
It's the best clothes on earth. The most durable. I have a hemp jujitsu gi. That fucking thing never rips. When I get cotton gis, these motherfuckers, after a few months of hard rolling, these things start getting loose.
And they start ripping. If you had a gi for a year or two years, it's probably got a rip or two in it already. The hemp gis don't rip. You can take hemp paper, and you can barely tear it.
Really?
It's weird.
I've never known less about a subject than hemp or any of this stuff.
I got fascinated because my friend Todd McCormick had a hemp stalk on his desk table. And he goes, pick this up. And I pick it up, and it feels like there's nothing there. It's like Styrofoam. But it's hard.
Like oak.
Yeah, it's interesting.
It's a fucking weird plant. You can make houses with it. They use something called hempcrete. And it's hemp, and it's mixed together with some sort of a solvent or something that solidifies it. And it's way more durable than wood.
It's stronger than concrete. It's crazy. It's wild. It's a crazy plant, dude. And the fact that it's illegal because it makes people happy and makes food taste better.
Shut the fuck up.
Just shut the fuck up. It's stupid.
It doesn't kill anybody. Alcohol's killing people every day of the week. They're dying of liver poisoning. Everyone's dying of opiates. Fentanyl's killing everybody.
Weed kills nobody. I've always said the best way to get killed by weed is you take a 35-pound bag of it and drop it on your head from a CIA drug plane.
That's how people die.
That's how you die from weed. Shut the fuck up.
I had a buddy who was driving from Boston. Randy Valeria. He was driving from Boston with marijuana products. But it was medicine in Boston. And he's moving to L.A.
to live. And as he's driving through Texas, he gets pulled over. So it's legal in Boston, and it's legal in L.A., and it's considered medicine in these two places. But if he takes his medicine through Texas, felony charges.
Yeah, it's Schedule 1.
. It's a real drug. It's crazy. Well, it's a dumb thing, man. Look, this is not a dumb country.
We're super educated now. We have amazing access to information. This is not 1930.. This is not a confusing time. This is a time where we know exactly what things do.
Now, this is also important to say. Some people should not smoke weed. Some people should not eat weed. Some people should not do any psychedelics at all. Some people have mental health problems already.
Some people are prone to schizophrenia. And I've seen people fucking snap from weed. Really? Yes.
I've not seen that.
I think it's important to talk about. Look, it's just not me. But I've seen people, like Alex Berenson wrote this book called Tell Your Children. And it's all about, there's, like a certain percentage of people that take high-dose THC that experience psychotic states. There's this lady in L.A.
who stabbed her boyfriend 108 times off one hit. He gave her some crazy, super potent weed. She went wacky. Stabbed him 108 times. And the fucked up part is she only got two years probation.
Yeah, that's wild.
Two years probation.
That's a whole different problem. With a sentence and all these things.
That's like crazy. We were just like, imagine if it was a dude. Oh, God. And his excuse was, I got high.
Hey, you know. You're getting weed.
I was high. I had to stab her 108 times. Like, what the fuck? You're in jail forever.
Women complain about all these social issues. But you know where women crush us?
Courts. Yeah.
Dude, in the courtroom, there's no bigger privilege than being a woman.
And, by the way, no one, no one gives a fuck if your wife beats you up.
At all.
At all.
A baseball player in the 90s, Chuck Finley, got beat up by his wife. And he's like, I don't want to hit her back. I'm a big guy, you know. So he just called the cops. He just takes it.
Yeah, he took it. He just called the cops. But then, if you read all the people commenting, they're like, oh, come on, dude. You can't. Yeah.
Just let her hit you, dude.
Just block. Yeah, block. The problem is, you should never be around anyone who wants to hit you, whether it's a friend or whether it's a girlfriend. You should never be around a person that wants to strike you.
At all. At all.
That's just the rules. It's like we all have, we all sometimes are angry. But you don't express yourself that way. Right. It's stupid.
You know my favorite Joe Rogan moment? One of?
What?
Everybody references your podcast. People reference your, you know, the UFC. They reference your comedy. On Fear Factor, when that guy, and you go, no, you don't get to hit people to that girl. Oh, yeah.
And then he tried to defend his wife's honor. You go, no, no. If you guys want to hit each other at home, you can do whatever you want. But you don't get to hit people just because you're upset. And then he tried to come to you and you grabbed him.
And everyone realized real quick. I mean, maybe at that time it wasn't public knowledge how trained you were at, like fighting and stuff.
All I did was grab his neck.
Yeah, but you shut it down quick.
Yeah.
No TV host has ever shut down a conflict of like that, that fast.
Well, that guy they'd warned me about. He had a history of violence. And he had done some violent things on some other reality shows.
It was amazing. They were like, fire, the security on the show. Joe's got this.
There was no security. That was part of the problem. That was around maniacs.
That was a big show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was zero security. There was zero security. There was me and a bunch of random maniacs that were trying to eat bull dicks. Right.
And jump off buildings.
We don't need security.
And some of them were super sketchy. Yeah. That guy was, he maybe could have hit me. He was thinking about hitting me. When he got in his face, his body was so tense.
And he got so close to me. Yeah. The thing about, people have to realize about getting punched. This is very important to know. Sucker punching works because your reaction time is far slower than action time.
Action time is very fast. It's probably five to ten times faster than reaction time. So if I go like that and I hit you, by the time you register that I've turned my shoulders and that my fist is heading in your direction, you're hit. Right. And you're going to get knocked out.
You're going to be unready for it. Your jaw is going to slide back. Your head is going to snap sideways because you're not resisting it. Yeah. Your brain is going to wash around inside your head and you're going out.
Unless you're a tank.
You're a big, fucking Samoan dude.
And then he's going to look at you and go, mate, what a fucking terrible thing you've done. And then he's going to eat you.
That's why Joe Rogan says sucker punch. That's what I got from that. I got a sucker punch if I'm going to win.
Well, just sucker punching is something that people do. So if someone gets that close to you, even a trained fighter has to be prepared for a sucker punch.
Did it kill Houdini?
No, no. He got punched in the stomach. He had a gag that he would do where he would let people punch him. But I think there was something else wrong with him too. He was doing a lot of weird shit.
I know. I'm jumping around a lot.
He had appendicitis. Yeah. Oh, he had appendicitis.
So that was probably it. Isn't that kind of funny? We just get up there and do jokes. But a magician will do a trick and then be like, also, someone come punch me.
That's not a magic trick. That sounds like something a big Samoan guy would say. Someone punch me.
But there's, like, no magic to it. that will really work. Like if someone says, kick me, there is no magic, that's going to save you. That's so silly. There's no magic.
You can't tighten up your abs and let me kick you.
This is my magic trick.
You're going to get really injured.
You think you punch. good? I'm a magician. That's so stupid.
Abracadabra. Yeah. Francis Ngata will liver punch you.
Abracadabra. David Blaine will do that. He'll do seven things. Like, this guy's a witch or a warlock, or something. But then he'll be like, and now I'm going to live in a box above New York City for a month.
And you're like, don't do that. That's not magic.
He made me stab him with an ice pick. Yeah.
I stabbed his arm with an ice pick.
I went through his arm to the other side with an ice pick.
Yeah, I saw that. He did that to Ricky Gervais or something. And Ricky Gervais is just like, why? That's the best answer to most magic. Why?
This is the answer to the Houdini thing. It's his Friday morning, October 22nd, in his dressing room at the Princess Theater in Montreal. He was punched hard in the stomach by an excitable McGill student, J. Gordon Whitehead, who wanted to test the theory that Houdini was capable of withstanding hard blows to the abdomen. A week later, Houdini was dead.
Excitable.
Is that really what killed him, or was it appendicitis? Did you say it was appendicitis, Jamie, that you read that? Yeah.
Great head shot.
Maybe you can rupture someone's appendix with a punch.
Oh, so that's how it happened.
Which is the inflammation of the abdominal wall. His appendix was removed, but the poison from the ruptured appendix was already in his bloodstream. Jeez. Maybe, I mean, it makes sense. I know guys lose their spleens from really bad accidents.
If your body gets damaged, they could remove your spleen. It might be like it fucks your appendix up, too. It makes sense if something's hitting it.
These UFC guys, I mean, the blows they take for this kind of stuff.
Dude, you get too accustomed to it. It's so normal for me to see guys fight. It's weird. It's real weird. I'm super accustomed to it, but it really is shocking.
It is. If you just step back and watch a real high-level fight, the impact, it's shocking.
It's terrifying. Shocking. If it was dogs, it'd be illegal. Right. You watch UFC fight, you go, you know, we couldn't do this if this was dogs.
Like, I can't believe. I can't believe. And there's people gathering around. I'm gamblers. Godlike.
And you're just going, I don't think that this should be allowed, but they do it.
Right. It's wild. I know. It's wild. Every now and again, I'm always aware of how dangerous it is for the fighters and how wild it is to see.
But every now and then, someone will get really injured. And when I'm like, oh, shit. Like, when Chris Weidman broke his leg, it was like, oh, shit. Or when Anderson Silva broke his leg.
That's the one I'm thinking of. He had that clean break on his shin.
They both had it. This is the craziest thing. It's only happened four times in the UFC, and two times have been with Chris Weidman.
Oh, really? Crazy. I don't know who that guy is. I don't watch a lot, but I saw the Silva one, and I go, ooh, he was striking him, and he broke his leg.
Weidman was UFC middleweight champion at the time. That's Weidman, and he was defending his title against Anderson, who he beat in the first fight. And then Anderson just threw that.
So gross.
Oh, so disgusting, dude. And he had hurt it on a check earlier. Boom. Yeah. It just gave out.
Chris said that he checked it earlier, and he thinks that it hurt. Check means when Anderson throws a kick, you lift up your leg, and you try to get it where his shin hits the top of your, like, right below your knee. Because that's, like, indestructible. Oh, okay. So it's like, what's the weakest point?
The middle of your shin, if it hits that top area of the knee, that top area is not giving. Yeah. Because it's reinforced. It's also, it's like, you can take a shot like that, or like, pretty hard. Yeah.
But in the middle of the shin, you got all that crazy leverage. And down there, where Anderson broke his, think of how thin that is compared to the bones at the top. Yeah. So something had to give.
Coming at that.
It happens all the time. Well, not all the time, but it's happening a lot more now because so much stuff is filmed. I've seen a dozen of them, at least. It does happen.
I used to work at this moving company. It used to be super rare. And, you know, when you work at a place like a moving company or, like, you know, any of these kind of jobs where they just hire criminals, like, people with criminal records are like, you want to make 20 bucks an hour? Just load up this big rig with frozen groceries. I've had a lot of those jobs when I was young because I didn't go to college.
And you could tell me if this is real or not, but, you know, it's an unreliable source. But this guy used to be in the Marine Corps, and they used to tell us, you know, you're going to get punched. You want to get hit in the face? You want to get hit right here. And we always picked the face.
Does that make fight sense? Or is this guy just trying to be cool at the warehouse?
I don't think he knows what the fuck he's talking about.
Okay, fair enough. That's what I'm saying. These guys were like, you know.
Yeah, I take it in the gut all day long over the face. Really? Yeah, but the thing about the face is it puts you out. If someone's going to, like, just hit you, if, like, you know you're going to get hit and you get to choose where you get hit, you take it in the stomach and you prepare for it. It's still going to suck, but you could take a few.
If you get punched in the face by the right guy.
He told us that. It, like, blew our mind.
I don't think he knows what he's talking about.
I think he was trying to be a tough guy. It depends.
If someone hits you in the liver, like, if you get a, you know, someone who's really good, you know, like Ryan Garcia. He's got this nasty liver punch. Oh, God. He hits people. They just blap.
You know, like Canelo Alvarez has a wicked liver punch. When you have that shot, it's like a left hook, that's kind of almost partially an uppercut. You know, instead of coming, it's like a body left hook, and they'll slam it right here. Right here, with the ribcages and the livers right below it. Oh, my goodness.
It's the worst feeling. You get, like, electrocuted. Like, your whole body shuts off.
It's so crazy.
It is a kill switch. It really is. And some guys are masterful at hitting that kill switch.
You know what the sad part about this is, Joe? What? You know, what, it's been 30 years, probably, 25 years. I've been telling that story. I heard, you know, if you got to pick between the face and the thing, you'd take the face.
No, no, no. Because this one idiot I worked with.
Don't let somebody punch you in the face. Yeah, you go unconscious. You lose your vision. Yeah, you want to be able to see. You'll recover from a body shot.
You might not recover from getting punched in the face.
Yeah, there's a lot of buttons on your face.
Like, you've seen, slap fighting. They get slapped unconscious. Yeah. Just a slap. And they're ready for it.
And they're, like, professional slappers.
Are you shocked? that's a sport?
Yes.
Yeah. That comes up on my Instagram things, and I'm going, what are we doing?
Yeah, and the UFC owns it, so it's like, I'm like, okay.
And there's, like, big guys that, like, I, you know, they look like my neighbor, Rick. Uh-huh. You know, who are just, like, now they're pro athletes.
I do have to admit, though. Just doing this. I watch those fucking clips. I'm one of those idiots.
He's a pro athlete. He's putting chalk on his hands.
He's got, like, rubber bands.
He looks terrible. He's training it. He looks like he's at my dive bar, at the Chimney Sweep, just going.
All right. One of the dudes, they were like, what are you going to do with the money? Oh, get my wife some new titties. Yeah.
That's a good answer, though. What's the best answer you've heard? That's the best answer. You interview all these guys. after that.
What's the best one? What's your favorite?
I never ask what they're going to do with their money.
Never. I know, but, like, what's a thing you heard afterwards, where you're like, oh, I like that.
Derek Lewis. My balls was hot. It has to be number one. It has to be number one. Derek Lewis just beats this dude and then takes his pants off.
And he's standing in the octagon with no pants on. And I'm interviewing him. I'm like, Derek, congratulations. Why'd you take your pants off? He goes, my balls was hot.
I go, I understand, sir.
I'm going to the winner, Derek Lewis.
Derek, why'd you take your pants off?
My balls was hot. I understand. I understand. You weren't ready for that one.
Derek is the man.
I was ready for it. It's so funny.
I mean, my job there is just kind of, you know, I'm not in any way a comedian when I'm interviewing fighters. That's a completely different role. I never try to make anything funny, ever. My job there is just to get out of them the best expression that they can give.
They're the star.
That's it. It's just me trying to get it out of them. That's all. it is, always. So, like, I've never, like.
Connors is pretty good, too. Yeah. Oh, Connors is amazing.
Look, what's next for me, Joe. I'm going to get that second belt. Where the f**k is it?
Oh, yeah. I remember this. I remember this. Yeah. And he was right.
Oh, yeah.
I'm sure you'll get your second belt.
I've spent a lot of time, Joe, slaying everybody in the company.
Backstage, I'm slaying everybody.
I ridiculed everyone on the roster. I just want to say from the bottom of my heart, I'd like to take this chance to apologize. To absolutely nobody.
Legendary.
There it is.
That was pretty solid. Yeah, because that was what he envisioned. He envisioned him standing there with those two belts. And he made it happen. He really did it.
There's something to that, f**king Oprah horse s**t. No, it works. Of manifesting things. The universe, yeah. The secret.
Something to that. There's something to it, but it's not guaranteed. Oh, yeah, yeah.
But believing it works.
There's something to it. There's something weird to it.
You carry yourself in a different way. Yeah, for sure. I've noticed that just with getting off the bottle, my comedy's gotten better. Things like that. But it's just me knowing I'm in my right mind now.
I got something now to prove kind of thing. Not to make Conor Gregor about myself. But just there is this thing about getting your s**t together.
Yeah, seeing it and making it happen. There's something to that. It's not, again, it's not guaranteed. It's a part of the equation. This is what I like to think about it.
It's not like you live in a land of only fate. It's not like you can just make things happen with your mind. And random things don't happen to people. It's all those things. Random things do happen to people.
Some people are more fortunate than people. A lot of it is luck. A lot of this whole thing is luck. The energy you put out there in the world probably has an effect on the life that you live. And if you really truly believe that you can do something and you go for it, people applaud it.
They love it. They love to watch it. They love to see it. And when you make it, it gives everybody else hope that they can do it too.
100%. That's the reason I like basketball. Like Jordan. We saw someone accomplish something. We go, hey, fucking, they did that thing.
What could be my thing?
Yeah, there's part of just seeing someone who is the best at anything, or just extraordinary at anything. It makes you realize that people can do wild shit, man. And it might not be the people that you're around. It might not be the people that you surround yourself with. But just knowing that those other people are out there in the world, you know that there's a higher bar to set.
You could do it. In whatever field you're doing. You watch a Mike Tyson fight from the 1980s. Just the idea that someone could be that guy was so crazy. It made you think that you could get better at everything you do.
Well, and it's not like Tyson had some silver spoon.
The opposite.
Yeah. So you go, look at him. This kid. The opposite. I'm sure you know everything about Tyson.
I'm not going to tell you anything you don't know. But I love. they did that documentary where he's like, he's being so sweet about his coach. And he's going, I'm nothing. I'm like a piece of shit.
And they let me live in their house. And he's teaching me boxing. And they're being so nice to me. And these white people. And they're letting me sleep with them in the house.
And they're feeding me. And I'm thinking, I'm going to rob these motherfuckers.
His instinct was still like, they didn't lock the house up. But I just love that. His mentality. They took a straight kid. Yeah.
And I was guarding pigeons from his buddies. And he could be that.
I'm never going to be a boxer. But I could go. Maybe I could do something great.
Do you ever see the movie The Color of Money? Mm-mm. It's Tom Cruise and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. And she plays his girlfriend. She's so fucking hot.
She's so young and hot. It's with Paul Newman.
I hate watching movies that are old but with hot chicks.
Oh, she was so hot back then.
Because I know that they're not alive no more.
I think she's still alive. Well. But anyway, the point is she's an amazing actress too. And she played his girlfriend. And she was talking to Paul Newman.
And she had this chain around her neck.
And the dad was like – or Paul Newman was like, where did you get it? And she's like, oh, it came from Vincent. It was Vincent's mom. It was Vincent's mom's. And then he goes, did he give it to you?
She goes, no. When I was with my ex-boyfriend, we stole it from his house. So she was still wearing Tom Cruise's mom's chain that she stole from his house while they were dating.
That's insane.
But it was cool.
It was like, whoa.
Just to know there's vipers like that out there. Yeah.
We can all be the viper.
It's in us. Tom Cruise plays this genius pool player that's probably autistic. And this is the girlfriend. And the girlfriend is just like a total hustler. Just controlling him, steering him, completely in control of Vincent.
And if she leaves the room, he panics. It's really wild.
I feel like I know some women like that.
Oh, yeah. They're the fun ones. This is Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio.
It's a great fucking movie. I watched, I'm going to slaughter the name, but I was at Terry Bradshaw's house on Christmas. And he likes these old movies. So he puts in like, it's something like I'll see you in St. Louis or meet me in St.
Louis, or something. It's an older movie. And I'm there. I got some cigars. And we're just watching.
He falls asleep. I'm watching this movie. This kind of goes back to what I was saying. I don't like to watch old films with beautiful women like that. Because Judy Garland's on the screen.
And she's just so pretty and sweet and nice. I'm falling for Judy Garland in the movie.
Oh, she's beautiful.
And then I was like, I'm going to look her up, you know, see what she's. And I was like, I'm about 40 years late. And she, you know, just going, oh, yeah. But that's how dumb I am. I'm getting a crush on a woman that's been gone for 30 years and also didn't age great.
Well, don't you ever imagine living life back then? It's like living with children. Oh, for sure. Like people back then were like. culturally, they were like children.
But it's kind of sweet. Yeah, kind of sweet.
I know it's a mushrooms idea. I'm a big mushroom guy. But, like, I always – I don't know how – when you do new mushrooms. When I do mushrooms, I'm with my friends. And it's a – we're not – we're usually in the woods, camping or something.
I don't like to go to concerts. I don't want to be on mushrooms.
Too much randomness.
Yeah, I can't do that. I don't want to hear a guy I don't know. well. Right. I want to be around, some people I love.
You know, I want to be around. But I was thinking about, like, in the old days, we'd ride our horses. And we'd have, like, a little picture of our lady back home. And we'd clean up the horses. And we'd make some food.
And we'd whatever. And we'd go, I wonder what's going on out there. What do you think is going on? We might talk about it a little, call it a night. We had our responsibilities.
We had our little things. You knew your girl. And you knew some girls in town. But you knew your woman that you loved and your family. And then it's like now.
I don't wonder what anyone's doing. Can't even escape my ex-girlfriend's breakfast post. You know, like, we know, there's got to be some happy medium. Those guys knew nothing. Kind of a sweet time.
Kind of a sweet time. But which one would you choose?
See, I'm only thinking I want that because I got now.
Yeah, it's nonsense. It's like, what do you want to do? Go back to being a chimp and throw shit at each other?
Maybe.
Because they were probably like, what are these people going to live in houses?
Yeah, but maybe.
You know, that was one of the things that Genghis Khan.
You'd crush it as a chimp, Joe. I don't know if you know that. You'd get to be Joe Rogan of the chimps, I'm pretty sure.
When Genghis Khan, like one of his titles, was he who rules and all. It's like something about felt houses. So that they had such disdain for people who lived in houses.
Look at them, fat cats with their houses.
Yeah, they all lived in tents. They lived in felt tents. So they never had houses. They thought you were a pussy. Yeah.
If you lived in a house.
Yeah, you're too protected. Yeah.
So like, and you think about how horrific the Mongol Empire was and what they did. The Mongols killed somewhere around 50 to 70 million people during Genghis Khan's life. They reduced the population of the planet by 10%. They changed the carbon footprint, dude.
I think Hitler gets too much credit. That's the one everyone knows. Everyone wants to reference Hitler. Nobody's talking about Napoleon.
What about what Stalin did?
Mussolini or Stalin. Or even the Mongols. You know what I'm saying? Those ones don't get enough kind of like.
I used to have a joke about it. That you could be a pirate for Halloween. You know how crazy it is? Pirates are some of the most fucking evil creatures that ever existed.
They're the most famous rapists. You go, what do pirates do?
Yeah. Rape and pillage. Rape and murder.
Rape is the first thing.
Yeah.
You can't be a pirate. You should be able to be.
It's synonymous with the title. It's like Priest Chomolester. You think about it.
Don't cancel the white girl with the Indian headdress at Halloween. You should be canceling the pirates.
That was not a fair comparison. There's way more pirates raped than priests. Probably all pirates raped. Oh, for sure. Priests that are pedophiles.
It's probably only like one out of a thousand.
What are you going to do? Romance them? You're only in town for a couple days, Joe. I got to get this stuff. I got to bang somebody.
And I got to get on the boat.
Yeah.
I don't have time to take her out to dinner.
Well, they just took over things. Killed everybody. That's what they did.
So do you think you'd prefer the old times?
No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm a realist. The old times were horrific. You died from everything.
You would have been a man of that time.
Yeah, for as long as I lived. There's no way I'd be like this at 56.. I would be already murdered. Yeah, that's true.
Somebody would have.
Somebody would have got me. I would have been zigging when I should have zagged. They would have caught an arrow. Somebody would have fucked me up.
You know why? Because I'm a talker. Yeah. I wouldn't have been the fight challenge guy.
That doesn't always work, man. Sometimes they just cut off one of your hands. Oh, for sure. There'd be some problems. After you talk too much, they'll just cut off one of your hands.
Not even kill you yet.
Shut that guy up. That's what they say.
Just cut off your hand. Just to let you know. Like, bro, this is so serious.
Well, like when I watch the cowboy movies, right? I really love cowboy stuff. When I watch those, I don't identify with the lead cowboy. I don't identify with the gunslinger. You know what I identify with?
When they go into the saloon and the guy's like, boys, what do you have? And he's wiping down a glass. What do you guys have? I pour the whiskey for you guys. And then, when you guys start fucking shooting, I just go, yeah, I think I'd be that guy.
And they'd be like, I, like Jeff's bar, you know, that he's got. You want to swing by and see Jeff? He's always got a little joke for you. Yeah, perfect. He's got the whiskey and the glass.
Yeah.
I identify with that guy. And that guy's life's not great.
No.
But I think I could do that. I think I'd survive that way.
That's a good way to be. That's the best job in Old West, is the bartender guy. Yeah. As long as nobody breaks a bottle over your head.
You guys try to find a guy. I'll clean it up. When you guys leave.
Your problem being a bartender in the Old West is you're a little too fucking handsome. That would be an issue. Yeah. The girls would be talking to you and then the guys would want to kill you.
Did you ever work the road? I don't know much about your comedy career before you were very successful.
Yeah. I did the road.
So I have a joke that I put in my act. whenever I'm in a small town. It's just in Norfolk. And I was like, I'm looking for a Norfolk experience. You guys know what it's like.
A beautiful girl will flirt with me. Her big boyfriend will beat the shit out of me. And then I'll get out of here. That's every small town. That's how it works.
Some girl, she's hot, but she's got tattoos and a zany problem. You were talking, I was like, she's talking to me. So maybe that would happen.
Well, there's girls that likes to stick their pitbulls on men. That's what it is.
One of those chicks.
And they have a boyfriend who's a pitbull. And they get excited. They like that. Their man, fight for me. Dude, that's real.
Yeah. Those girls get you into trouble.
There was a girl that the best sexual chemistry I've ever had with a woman. And I hate cliches. I told you this last night. I don't like anything I've heard before. So you know the old stupid, like, the crazy ones, are the best sexually.
Right.
That cliche sucks.
I know. There's nice girls that are freaks. They're really good at that. Yeah, exactly. So, but this girl, I hate to say it.
She was easily the best sexual chemistry ever. But she broke into my house. And she also would climb the gate in like a Vegas dress. You know, I mean, she was the best sexually. But like, she was a psycho.
Yeah. A crazy person.
My friend Tony says that exotic and neurotic are closely related. Or not, you know, psychotic, rather. Psychotic and, Jesus Christ. What happened to my voice? Psychotic and erotic, right?
They're completely interconnected.
They flare with that line.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're in there together. Tony's there. Shout out to Tony. Yeah, I'm like, he's dead right.
Like, there's something about, like, the energy that someone would have. that's so unique. Yeah. And so aggressive sexually. Like, you know, like some girl who's just behaving like a complete nympho psycho.
And you're like, oh my God, this is wild. And when you're a young guy.
Wild is sexy, yeah, yeah.
Young guy and you're free. You know, you can't believe. this is how. But you don't have good preservation instincts. Because you wouldn't be friends with a guy like that.
Right.
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