Armchair Anonymous: Valentine's Day Disaster

Happy Valentine's Day a couple days ago.

Happy Valentine's Day a couple days ago. This is the Valentine's Day disaster episode.

Yeah, this is a fun one.

It really is fun. And if you listened yesterday, we already said congrats on six years. We'll

say it again.

Congrats on six years.

Congrats on six years.

We have housekeeping.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

So, in this episode, we mention Liz a couple times. We say, oh, it's scary, like Liz.

Yeah, and you scream.

Yeah.

That's why I always say it.

And you say, Liz, ah.

Ah.

It's a pop out every time I say it. Liz.

It is. And then I say in it, we got to explain Liz. And then you say, we're going to. And

then we forget.

Okay.

So, we've talked about this before. Some of the armchairs will know, but some won't. And

the ones who don't will definitely think we're talking about Liz Plank, and we're not.

We're not talking about Liz Plank. If you're an OA, you know this.

Yeah.

But Monica and I were one time watching a Dateline, and there was a scary woman, Liz,

who was a murderer. And then Monica got back to her apartment.

No.

Okay.

This is one of those fun moments where our memories are different.

Okay. I think they might work together, but go ahead.

I didn't go back to my apartment. It was COVID. And Anna, me, and you were watching Dateline.

We all lived together at your house during COVID.

And it was when you had broken your arm, or your hand, whatever you'd broken.

Who knows that day?

So, you were in the guest bedroom. Anna was in the kids' bedroom. Kristen had COVID. She

didn't, but we thought she had COVID.

Oh, it was on that night?

Yes.

There was a bunch of food at the end of the hallway?

She thought she had COVID, so she was sequestered.

What comedy was happening? This is like Three's Company.

Yeah. The three of us put on this Dateline. We didn't even know Anna that well at the

time, too, which is also weird and funny. Scary, scary lady named Liz.

Yeah.

She was evil, and she popped out, and she had a dog. There was a dog in this episode

that looked exactly like Frank, your dog.

Right. And you became concerned it was the same dog.

Yes, because Frank is a rescue.

And Liz is MIA.

Exactly. And so, we watched this episode. I'm getting very worked up internally about

my fears, and then I am sleeping on the couch in the movie room, and I go in there, and

I hear her.

Liz.

She knocked. She knocked, and I freaked out, and then I texted you and Anna, and I said,

help, it's scary out here. And then you both slowly came out.

To clear the room for Liz?

Yeah.

I have a totally different memory, but I don't think it's either or. I totally believe that

that was the full rollout of Liz. But I remember you going back to your apartment. I remember

you being at your apartment and texting, I'm super scared. I heard a noise outside. And

I said, I know, it's Liz. And then you said, no, don't say Liz. And I said, she's out there,

Liz. I know there was a moment where you were scared in your apartment, and I kept telling

you it was Liz.

Are you sure it wasn't just me being scared in the room? It might have been that. Because

I heard a knock or a weird sound.

I remember me introducing the notion that Liz was at your apartment. You already thought

it was Liz in the living room version.

God.

I think they both happened.

I wish we could burp. I really do.

Because you were afraid of Liz for months.

I'm still afraid of her.

Right. And so many times over the last four years, I have tried to scare you that Liz

is outside your apartment.

Yeah.

She comes around.

She's a nasty lady.

Ugh. Anyway, so when we say that, we say it in that tone. It's not, I don't want people

to think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's all complicated.

Liz Plank. Not Liz Plank.

We love Liz Plank. We don't like Liz Frank.

Oh, Liz and Frank.

Liz Frank and Liz Plank? What if Liz Plank is Liz Frank?

With a haircut?

Because she just kind of showed up after we-

So now I guess we're reversing our position.

We're reversing our position. In fact, it is about Liz Plank. That's what you should

know. I'm glad we did this.

Oh my God.

We landed right where-

Fuck.

It's the modest mouse lair.

I was supposed to hang out with her this week.

If you go straight long enough, you'll end up right where you were. Oh God, you better

bring a weapon.

To dinner, yeah.

I know what you could do. Bring Frank and see if he runs to her and feels reunited.

Okay, that's a good idea.

Okay, perfect.

We got a test. Please enjoy Valentine's Disasters.

Hard times come and go.

Good times take them slow.

My life, I had them both.

If ever one thing you gotta know, I'ma keep on shining.

All right, we ready for-

Emma.

Valentine's Day with Emma.

Valentine's.

Oh, Valentine's.

Love day.

Valentine.

Massacre.

Blood.

Death.

Destruction.

Switch our anniversary.

It's our anniversary.

It's our anniversary.

Hello.

Hello.

Oh, and are you English?

No, I'm from New Zealand.

Oh, kiwi.

Because you immediately reminded me of the actress in the original Office. Just like

when I first saw your face.

Oh, that's funny. My husband will like that. He loves her.

He loves The Office.

She's so lovable.

Emma, you're calling from New Zealand?

Oh, no. What time is it?

It's okay. It's like 7.30 in the morning, but it's tomorrow.

I love this. I always ask David this, like, what happens today? What happens on Thursday? Is it a good day?

Friday. What happens on Friday?

Well, no, it's 7.30 in the morning Friday.

So she's already done Thursday.

So I'm wondering what happened on Thursday.

That makes perfect sense. My apologies.

Was it a good day?

Yeah, it's a great day.

Okay, good, good, good, good, good, good.

I guess I wouldn't have even assumed you guys celebrate Valentine's Day.

I don't even know if that's, like, an internationally recognized event.

Is it big in New Zealand?

It's definitely not as big as it is in America.

We still celebrate it. It's still a thing.

Like, jewelry stores still have sales and stuff.

But it's the same as Halloween, and nothing's as big as it is in America.

Yeah, sorry for that. Except for Guy Fawkes Day.

I've been in New Zealand for Guy Fawkes Day, and that was spectacular.

Yeah, we do love that.

All right, so you have a Valentine's Day disaster, which we cannot wait to hear.

So this happened in 2009.

I was 16.

So the day was February 14th.

It was Valentine's Day, which happened to be a Saturday night that year.

And my boyfriend Lucas and I, we were going to a high school house party.

It's like someone's birthday.

My mom had agreed that she'd drop us off and pick us up,

and Lucas could stay the night,

but strictly in separate rooms.

Oh, this is very exciting, though.

I want to applaud your mother's progressiveness.

Yeah.

We'd been dating for three months, and we'd gotten pretty hot and heavy,

but we'd never had sex.

Neither of us had ever had sex.

So we decided it's Valentine's Day.

This is the perfect opportunity to lose our virginities.

All we had to do was come home from this party,

wait until my mom went to sleep,

and then he would sneak up to my room.

Oh, yeah.

Sexy.

Yeah, here we go.

So we had a plan in place.

We were excited, a bit nervous,

but we both were pretty ready for it.

So random bit of backstory.

In New Zealand at the time,

there were these popular RTD drinks that I won't name,

but they were always a standard 5% alcohol, like a beer.

Around this time in 2009,

they'd released this 8% can in a 12-pack,

which is stronger than wine, but really easy to drink.

Also, I feel like I should say in New Zealand,

the drinking age is 18,

so it's a bit more normal for us to be

having a supervised party at 16.

Yeah.

My mom, bless her, she'd never drunk these before.

So when she went out and bought us a couple,

and she didn't notice the change in strength

or the change in packaging,

so she just grabbed the first thing she saw,

which was a big 12-pack.

She dropped us off at this party.

She gave us the entire 12-pack and said,

okay, have fun, stick to two each.

You shouldn't say stick to two each and then give 12.

It's kind of confusing.

She was testing you.

Yeah, I think so.

I failed.

So we got there.

We were having fun.

I felt like I looked good.

Everything was going well,

but about an hour in,

I was starting to get really nervous.

Like, I'm going to have sex tonight.

Everything is going through my head.

What if it doesn't work?

Like, what if I suck at it?

What if he sucks at it?

What if he's not the one?

What if he doesn't like these drinks?

Which is obviously the worst thing that I could have done.

Can I ask really quick,

did you know they were a higher alcohol content

or was that realized later?

I feel like I probably did

and was just like, score, let's not tell mom.

Got it, got it.

So I cut to a bit later.

I'm having a good time.

I find Lucas and he's figured out at this point

that I'm about six drinks deep

and I'm absolutely toasted.

I'm really, really drunk.

So I tell him he must come to the bathroom with me.

We try and head inside

but there's a big line to the bathroom

and there's just no way I'm going to make it.

This house had a pretty big property

and it had a big bank

going down the side of the driveway

with like a small wooden area

and I decided, yes, wooded area,

perfect spot for an outdoor evening bushwee.

I love it.

We're going there.

I dragged Lucas across this property

over to the spot

and I'm like, okay, just wait there.

I'll go behind this tree and pee.

He's there waiting for me,

keeping a lookout

while I was trying to drunkenly

keep myself upright,

squatting in a bush.

Then I heard this weird noise

and I was like,

who's mowing their lawns right now?

It's dark, it's late.

That's such a crazy thing to be doing

and then I was still peeing in this bush

and I felt a bit of pain

and I was like, oh no,

I'm swaying so badly

that I've fallen over

Oh boy, okay.

Wait for it, Monica,

but then two things happened at once.

The pain that I felt

suddenly went from zero to a hundred,

like one prickle to a thousand prickles.

It was agony.

At the same time,

Lucas starts screaming.

He just starts yelling

and yelling for me to run

while he himself is just sprinting

down this hill away from me

and that's when I realized

I'm squatting and peeing

Oh no, no, no.

Yeah.

And I was there for way too long.

Once I realized,

I pulled up my underwear

and I sprinted back to this house

and I was like instantly sober from the pain

and I got our friend's parents

to call my mum.

I was distraught

and I just sat there and cried.

Oh my God.

My mum picked us up

and took us back.

We got home and I was in so much pain.

My mum just thought that I'd had a wasp sting

or a bee sting

and she was like,

you're being a wuss, let me look.

And I don't know if you were the same at 16

but it took me a lot to get everything off

and let her have a look.

Oh sure, yeah, no way.

I was justified though

when she looked at it

and all she said was,

oh my God, get in the car,

we're going to the hospital.

Oh no.

Wow, wow, wow, wow.

It turns out that probably

because I was so drunk

and I'd squatted there for so long

without realising what was happening

that I had been stung.

I was red and swollen

right from the back of my thighs,

all up my butt cheeks,

in my butt cracks

and all over my lady bits.

I got the vulva, the majora,

the menorah, all of it.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Ow.

Were you able to

get a good look at it?

Did they give you a mirror or anything?

I should have.

I think I was just too upset.

Did you reach down and feel it?

And I know baseball's not a big game in your country

but I just imagine it might have turned into

like a catcher's match.

I was really swollen.

Peeing was not fun for a few days after that.

It was pretty bad.

I'm so glad you're still with us.

You could have migraled and died.

Sure.

Because of the shock.

I know.

That's why, because there were so many stings.

It was like hundreds.

My mum took me to the emergency room

and I had to spend the night there

making sure I didn't go into

anaphylactic shock and die.

Luckily I was fine, obviously,

but it is safe to say that

I didn't get to have sex that night.

Valentine's Day was officially ruined.

Did you end up staying with that guy

long enough to finally do it?

Eventually, yeah.

Once everything returned to a healthy status quo.

Returned to a normal size, yeah.

Holy cow.

Was it itchy as hell?

Because when I've been stung

and it gets red like that with the histamines,

it gets itchy.

Healing was a bitch as well.

It was so itchy and I still actually

have scars from it.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Really?

Oh my God.

What a disaster.

That is a textbook disaster.

I was assuming there'd be some

mix-up with the transfer

from the boy to the room

in the middle of the night.

Maybe he went into mom's room on accident.

Yeah, it was almost a red herring

that you were drunk.

I mean, I understand it's what got you

in this position in the first place,

but yeah, I thought it was gonna be

like a messy hookup,

but this is way worse and way better.

Yeah, I thought that would throw you.

What a story.

Thank you.

Emma, I'm so glad you lived to tell the tale.

That is gnarly.

Thank you so much for having me, guys.

It was really nice to meet you both.

We're so flattered you're listening

down in New Zealand.

We're not too esoteric,

you're getting everything?

Do you ever feel like,

I don't know what the fuck

they're talking about?

No, we love you.

You guys don't know this,

but we've been friends for like

four or five years by now.

Oh, good.

That's so lovely.

Well, we're gonna come down,

because we're gonna join

David Ferrier at some point.

Oh, please do.

Well, nice meeting you, Emma.

Thank you so much for telling us that.

Bye, guys.

Bye.

So you, I was in therapy

to bring everyone in.

I was in therapy,

and then all of a sudden,

I heard the door,

someone was opening the door,

because I do my therapy inside the attic.

I had to put my pants back on in a hurry.

He insists that I have them off

for vulnerability's sake.

The door was locked, thank God.

Good idea.

Yeah, and then I peeked out the window

to see who had just tried to barge in.

My assumption is you and Rob know

that it's therapy.

I mean, I guess in theory I know,

but not really.

It's not on my calendar or anything.

It's locked.

And then I like went,

I got my key out.

I didn't even know if I had a key,

but I had a key.

I was glad I had a key.

Okay.

I started putting it in,

and then I could hear like a ting.

I didn't hear what you said.

I just heard like the tone of your voice.

Monica, Monica.

Oh, I'm definitely coming in now.

No, but I was like, oh, fuck.

I was like, oh, yes, therapy.

Oh, no, because I was trying

to be a very good employee.

Okay.

I had a work meeting with Spotify,

and then we had this,

Armchair Anonymous,

and they were back to back.

Back to back.

And I thought, oh, no,

I can't be late to Armchair Anonymous.

Everyone will be upset,

so I'll go early,

and then I'll do it here.

I'll be ready.

And then that was sometimes

the best laid plans, you know?

And I am of mice,

and you're of men.

This is very true.

So then I signed off.

I was right at the end.

Then I quickly peeked out the window

to see who it was,

and I saw you walking,

or what I thought was you walking.

You saw a scurry?

I saw a scurry,

and then I text you,

hey, I was in therapy.

I was really mad.

The door was locked,

and she went home,

and now she won't respond to me?

She's angry.

Also, did you see me?

Because when I went to the guest house,

I was closing the door,

and you were coming out of the attic,

which then I was like,

oh, should I just go, whatever.

I scanned the driveway first,

and then I scanned the yard,

because you sometimes will sit out by the-

Right.

And then you were just gone.

You were an apparition.

I thought you saw that I was in the guest house,

and then you kept walking,

so then I thought maybe you were mad.

Oh, interesting.

A lot of baggage.

A lot of baggage.

A lot of scars.

Okay, let's go to Jackson.

Hello.

Oh my God, Jackson,

you're wearing a shirt as a hat.

This is the first time I've ever seen this.