Armchair Anonymous: Worst Day
2024-04-12 00:56:54
Hi, I’m Dax Shepard, and I love talking to people. I am endlessly fascinated by the messiness of being human, and I find people who are vulnerable and honest about their struggles and shortcomings to be incredibly sexy. I invite you to join me as I explore other people’s stories. We will celebrate, above all, the challenges and setbacks that ultimately lead to growth and betterment. What qualifies me for such an endeavor? More than a decade of sobriety, a degree in Anthropology and four years of improv training. I will attempt to discover human “truths” without any laboratory work, clinical trials or data collection. I will be, in the great tradition of 16th-century scientists, an Armchair Expert.
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Monsoon. Mm-mm-mm. These are stories about people's worst days.
Yeah, and they're bad.
One had you in an absolute hyper fit of restricted breathing and panic attack.
God, yeah, yes.
Yes, yes.
These water ones.
These water ones get you hard.
Oh, my God. Yeah. Even though they shouldn't get me because I have, well, maybe it's because of my trauma from the tubing.
From the tubing. You don't think it predates that?
No. I don't.
Okay.
No, I'm just kidding. I just think, why would I have that level of fear? because I'm never going to be in that position. You're never going to go. Because I can choose it.
Yeah. But then I was. Yeah. So I guess that's why.
My apologies again.
You don't have to apologize.
I will for the rest of my life.
No. You didn't do anything.
It was very fun. until that moment, though. I will remind you. Yeah, it was fun. A lot of cute boys, if you recall.
I do remember that part.
Yeah. An embarrassment of riches in the cute boy department. Yeah. Okay. Please enjoy People's Worst Day.
Hard times come and go.
Good times, take them slow.
My life, I had them both. Remember one thing you got to know. I'm going to keep on shining.
Let's talk to Lily. Another Lily. Back to back Lilies.
And I'm a Lily.
It's a Lily Shepard. No. Yeah. What if she's the exact combination of you and I, personality-wise?
Is that a Photoshop photo of you with the noses switched?
She'd be a perfect person, right? Hi. Wait, are you a Lily Shepard?
I am. I meant to tell you before. I'm not trying to be creepy and mimic your last name. I have the same last name as you.
Well, in Monica's middle name, we're thinking that maybe you might be.
Some sort of hybrid.
Some celestial. Being. Hybrid. Where are you, Lily?
So I'm in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. I am finishing my doctorate in clinical psychology, but I'm originally from Jacksonville, Florida, which is where the story for today takes place.
And Jacksonville's a spicy place, no?
Oh, it is the spiciest. Jacksonville Jaguars perfectly describes Jacksonville as a city, and I would say, the good place. That is pretty accurate. I say Jason Mendoza pretty much is the spirit of Jacksonville.
Am I wrong in that it's hugely populous?
That, but we're also the largest landmass city in the United States, but that's because our local government was super racist in the 1970s and decided to consolidate the city to the full county line in order to up the weight of the white vote, because the African-American population was surging at that time, and there was the first black mayoral candidate. They didn't want that. But I'm super into the niche history of Jacksonville. My dad had the first racially integrated law firm in the state of Florida, which started in Jacksonville. So cool.
Yeah, I'm big on outing the maybe negative parts of Jacksonville and hope that we make them a little bit better.
Well, what's your favorite part of Jacksonville? Good weather, close to Georgia.
The beach is definitely my favorite part, which is ironically kind of where all of this takes place, and the river. We have both, and they kind of come together in this nice way on the intercoastal. So there's a lot of water boating. Florida Georgia's there, which is largest outdoor cocktail party, so there's a lot to do there.
Did you ever go down?
Twice. I think one of my worst days ever was there. What happened? Is it called the landing?
The landing is gone. That thing has been demolished. They were like, no more landing.
What was the landing? It was a full disaster. It was a place you went the night before the game. It was just full chaos. Oh, and everyone dressed up, because it was always over Halloween weekend.
Always. So you dressed up in costume. Oh, no. But I almost got trampled. I hated it.
It wasn't for me.
Landing wasn't for many people, which is why they ultimately said we can just hold it. So it's literally now an empty field where they have free concerts in the summertime.
Oh, that's a step up. I like that.
Okay, so you grew up with a dad that was a lawyer, yet he was like, you still got to make some money. You got to be a delivery person. I like this.
No, worst day.
Oh, God.
That's why I said I had one of my worst days there.
Although that is pretty funny. It's okay, because my dad did make me work as a maid on a dude ranch in Wyoming one summer of college, but that's a completely different story.
That's a different prop.
Okay, okay. I'm sorry. We just heard from four delivery drivers, and I was stuck in delivery driver mode. And the last one was named Lily, who was a delivery driver.
That's confusing.
My apologies. This is worst day. Okay. Yeah. All right, tell us about your worst day.
Okay, so I'm going to set a little context, which is also in addition to my dad being a lawyer, my mom's also a lawyer, and I'm the youngest of six.
Wow.
So just a little context. There is a ton of us, and my oldest brother and I have 32 years between us. So there was nothing that I could do as a teenager that my parents hadn't seen across multiple decades. So I very rarely got away with stuff. However, being the youngest of six, my parents were a bit more lenient, and we have a beach house about 30 minutes away from Jacksonville.
And my friends and I got together. It was the spring of our senior year, and, ironically, all of this occurred exactly eight years ago, as of Sunday, because it was for my friend Shelby's 19th birthday. So this has been etched in our brains forever. It's notorious for our friend group. So we all come together, and we're, like, you know what?
Our friend Shelby's turning 19.. She was the grade above us. We're all seniors. This is one of our last birthdays. we're all going to get together.
Let's just go crazy. Let's have the party that we never get to have at the beach house. Let's invite all the guys.
Let's invite all the girls. Danger.
We are going to pick a weekend. My parents are out of town. Those all should have been the signs of shit is about to go down. You need your mom and dad there, and you're going to get in way over your head.
What's the head count?
Maximum number of people at the party, probably 75, which is definitely the most that I'd ever had. My sister one time had a party with 200 people there, where they all got sequestered on a balcony. But this was by far my biggest party that I endeavored to have at the beach house. So we decide let's go get hibachi. Let's go all out for this.
So we're literally driving to dinner, and I get this feeling in my stomach like something is going to go horribly wrong. We're just having way too much fun already for this night to end in anything but peril. But I did not heed the warning inside of my head whatsoever. We go on with the night. We have hibachi.
Everything's great. Everyone's calling me like we're headed to the beach house. Where should we park? We have this whole plan. Park at the lot down the street, so that way the cops don't get called.
We had thought it out. And we're driving home, and my friend Laurel is driving in front of me. I'm behind her. And out of nowhere, someone just cuts over into her lane and knocks her 10-year-old Honda Pilot into a telephone pole.
Oh, my goodness.
I hop out of the car. I check on her. She's fine. Honda Pilot, not so much. It's smoking.
We're like, okay, this is probably above our pay grade. Let's call the police. And so we call the cops, and we're talking to the guy. And we're like, okay, we can probably manage this. We're 18..
We're about to go off to college. We don't need to call parents. We're fine. Until the guy that we got in the wreck with starts freaking out. And he's like, my insurance is going to get canceled.
And we're like, wait, what? Yes, the car is smoking, but this is also a pretty minor accident. Everything should be fine. And he's like, you don't understand. That's not my car.
That's a rental. I totaled my car last week. And we all looked at each other, and we were like, all right, Laurel, you got to call your dad. So Laurel calls her dad, and he comes and gets her. And the police officer gets there, and he takes our statement.
And he's typing up all the report, and he looks at all of us in our eyes. And I still remember this to this day. And he says, you girls, be safe out there. And I was like, oh, we should all probably go home and have a quiet night and not throw a massive party at the beach house. But we did not listen to that.
We just were like, all right, we survived. Let's invite more people.
A little speed bump.
I'm going to be honest with you. I reached out to all my friends. None of us remember any of the actual details of the night, because we just went home and got obliterated. I don't think I've ever been that drunk in my entire life, to the point I woke up the next morning in my own home, and I was like, where am I? All I know is I wake up, and I am in the downstairs bed, which, weirdly enough at the time faced the front door.
And I just hear banging, like, open up right now.
Open the fucking door.
Are you in there?
And I'm like, OK, it's 6 o'clock in the morning. Who is knocking at the door? What have we done? Is something on fire? More on that later.
So I am like, oh, my God, I'm not dressed. There's a man in bed next to me. Well, really a boy. I was like, I can't get the door. So this boy in his boxers opens the door.
It is his mother at my front door with his twin brother. Because he told his parents that he was going to a movie the night before and was supposed to sneak back into his house. And we got involved, and he ended up falling asleep. So his mom has been up since 4 in the morning, going to different people's houses trying to find her son because he was missing from his bedroom when she woke up. Oh, my God.
She's afraid he's dead. She's in another zone.
Yeah, yeah.
You could tell from the sound of her voice. But then her fear definitely turned to anger towards me, which I went to elementary school with this boy. So I was like humiliated, because I know his mom. She knows me. Where are your parents?
This is depravity.
And so I just hold the sheets above my head and was like, I'm just going to try to go back to sleep for a little bit. But the way the house is designed, sound carries throughout. So there was no going back to sleep. Everyone else had been woken up and was like, what the hell just happened? So we're all kind of laughing in the kitchen and trying to piece together the night.
And all of a sudden, I smell smoke. And I'm like, something does not smell right in this kitchen. And I turn around. I have an electric stovetop there. And somehow the electric stovetop, which had a plastic platter of like Cheetos and chips as a snack on it, had gotten turned on.
So I start screaming because there is a puddle of plastic on top of the stovetop. And one of the boys that we had invited over from the fun rival high school was like, oh, I thought that was ground beef.
Of course. How could he have not?
He thought the plate was ground beef?
Like, what the fuck?
I'm so sorry. I thought that was ground beef.
So forever. we've referred to this night as Cheetos versus ground beef, because how can you mistake the two? So I'm like in chaos. Really, what else can go wrong? We've had a car wreck, a near fire, and I'm pretty sure that woman almost just killed me in my own home because her son was missing.
And so I'm just trying to recenter myself. And my friend Annie comes out of the bedroom and is like so disheveled, literally looks like she's been through a wind tunnel. And she's like, guys, I know there's a lot going on, but you're never going to believe the dream I had. And I'm like, Annie, shut up. We are dealing with real life here.
No one's here about anyone's dreams. Just PSA.
Exactly. She goes, no, I had a dream that my car got broken into. And I go, OK, I'll tell you what. Go, check on your car. If it didn't get broken into, you have to shut up.
She calls me. Lily, my car got broken into. They stole all of my medication. They stole my wallet. They stole all of the clothes in my car.
So, of course, we call the police. Oh, my God. And who shows up? But the police officer that had dealt with the wreck the night before. The first thing he says when he gets to the scene, is, so I see you didn't heed my advice.
We were like, no, sir, we did not. And we thought that was going to be the end of our interactions. But six months later, my friend Annie got a call that they had found her wallet. And the officer was curious if she would be willing to come in and explain why there was a South Carolina driver's license with her photo on it that said she was 22 years old.
It's safe to say we never went and got the wallet.
It is still sitting in the Atlantic Beach Police Department evidence room, I'm pretty sure, to this day. And that was by far the worst day. Like, we still reference that party as a notorious event of like, do you remember when everything went absolutely terribly wrong?
Well, except for this beautiful union of two young lovers.
Well, that's true. Are you guys married now?
No, no, we are not married. It was beautiful until I got a Snapchat a couple months later. that was like, hey, we should never tell anyone about that. Out of courtesy, I messaged him on Instagram before this and said, just so you know, I'm going public with our love story. I did not get a response.
So, you know.
Oh, that's hilarious. That was my horrible day.
God, it's fun to be young.
Yeah, when you're 18.. And what happens is you get too excited.
So excited.
You're more excited than anything could ever deliver. You smash your car on the way to the party. And you're completely incoherent. 20 minutes into the party.
So also, she definitely didn't dream it because she was just so blacked out. Like, she probably noticed it while she was drunk.
That's my theory, because we did have a tendency to walk down to the beach and swim at night, which honestly, I'm shocked. none of us ever got, like, attacked by a shark or, like, swept away in a riptide. But we did have a tendency at these parties to all walk down to the beach and swim and stuff. So, I kind of thought, maybe the night before she had walked by it and saw it and was just so drunk that she was like, whatever, I'll deal with that in the morning. And then thought she dreamed it.
We're a contradictory mix of vulnerable and also completely immortal. The kind of things that humans do regularly make it through, like swimming blacked out, it's pretty nuts.
It is.
It is very nuts. But my worst day led to my best day because I got to talk to y'all. As someone who's in the mental health profession, the things that you all are doing for the masses. listening to this is truly incredible. And your Chris Palmer episode, I reference that all the time when I'm working with clients.
And, on a more personal note, I picked going to my doctoral program in Florida because my dad was really sick when I started. And he took a really bad turn when I was in my second year. And I was driving back and forth every single weekend, four and a half hours. And you guys were my companions, my voice of reason. And he ultimately ended up passing away in April of 2022..
And those rides I never would have been able to do if it wasn't for you guys. You reminded me of being human in those moments where I needed it most. Every single person I meet, I tell them, listen to your podcast, because I just love it so much.
Thank you so much.
We appreciate you.
Keep proselytizing. We need you out on those Fort Lauderdale streets spreading the word. Absolutely. It's a pleasure to meet you so much. And thank you for sharing that with us.
Thank you. Okay. Bye, bye. Bye, bye.
I tried doing. take good care recently. It didn't roll off the tongue the way I was hoping.
Yeah. Who had said it to us recently?
Someone said it on an Armchair Anonymous and then my therapist says it. And I really like it.
Take good care.
I texted it as a practice run.
Yeah. Did it look weird in writing?
It felt weird.
A little clunky. Take good care. It's almost the way Yoda speaks.
It's nice. So it feels warming.
Good care, take, I guess it would be. Why don't you try that?
No, I've never seen it.
Hello. Hello, Adam. Wow. Are you in Canada?
I am not in Canada. I'm in Ohio, actually.
I thought just from that hello, I had gotten a little Canadian out of you.
Oh, funny. No, not for me. Southern Ohio.
Southern Ohio, like Dayton or Cincy?
Southeast Ohio, like Athens. If you know Ohio University.
Yeah, sure, sure, sure. I would buy that red shirt over your shoulder. I would pay $120 for that t-shirt.
Why? What does it say?
It says like Family Farm, Ohio.
This is my farm. We run a vegetable, an organic vegetable and flower farm.
Oh my God. If I go to your website, can I buy those shirts?
I will happily just send you a shirt.
I love it. Isn't that a great looking shirt, honey?
It is cool.
Well, thank you. What size do you want? Large.
He's a big boy.
But that's misleading. I think most people think a big boy would wear an extra large. Oh. But it doesn't hug my biceps, Adam.
He's not as big of a boy as you think.
I want a snug fit on my thighs. Okay, so, Adam, you had a worse day and already I feel like you shouldn't have had one. Yeah, you're too nice. You're a farmer and you're nice. I try to be.
We did have a bad day.
Okay, what happened?
I like that we.
My wife is involved. Bad on all accounts. Bad for lots of people. Back in 2005, we graduated from OU. We got married our senior year.
So we were moving. after we graduated to a new city. I was going to start seminary school in northern West Virginia, way up near Pittsburgh. And we moved and we were poor. We had no job, no, nothing.
School didn't start for a couple months. So we were just newlyweds living life. We had just got my wife a new car, new to her. The really nice car that we got for her was a Chevy Cavalier.
Oh, I know them very well.
So we had two of them, if that tells you how poor we were. We had a junky one and a nice one.
Can. I guess, was one of them that obnoxious turquoise color?
It wasn't. We had the ugly maroon. The wife's was the new, nice one. It was silver.
Oh, yeah. Great pick.
Really popular rental car.
My dad and I used to buy wrecked cars and put them back together and sell them. And so they were two wrecked cars that we made to be nice. Yeah, yeah. So we bought my wife a new car and we moved to this new place. I had to play in a golf tournament, like a scramble with some friends of mine.
And it was like two hours away. And so I got up super early, like four, something in the morning. Got in her new car, for whatever reason, I chose to drive the new car. Drove the two hours to play in the golf tournament. I get almost to the tournament and I got a speeding ticket on the way.
Like a 62 and a 40 or something like that. So like not a small fine. So that was just the beginning of the day. Played in the golf tournament. You know, it's hot.
You're exhausted. You get up really early. They feed you tons of food. We ate a bunch of food. Got back in the car to head home.
And 10, 15 minutes out of the town, I fell asleep at the wheel. Uh-oh.
Too much of that greasy deep fried food from the golf course?
Seriously. Yeah. I'm driving up the Ohio River and it's a fairly straight road. So I had the cruise set at 60 miles an hour. And woke up at the last second before I plowed into somebody who was sitting at a dead still waiting to turn left.
Oh, my gosh.
60 mile an hour rear end.
I hit it. Exploded. Everything was in terrible shape. Thankfully, I was fine. I was able to get out of the car.
I went up to check on whoever it was that I just hit. Turns out to be like a 16-year-old kid. He was driving an old Ford Probe. I hit him so hard. He was still seat belted into the driver's seat.
But the driver's seat was sticking out the back window of the car. It was so bad.
Accordioned. Yes.
He was fine. It's a miracle that we both were fine. Wow. I got him out of the car and we had to call the police. So the police came.
They put us in the cop car and we have to sit in the back and give our statements and do all those kinds of things. And as I'm sitting there giving my statement, I see, you know, another car come flying in. And it's obviously going to be his parents. So they jump out of the car and the policeman lets him out of the car so he can run and meet the parents. And they're hugging him and doing all the things that you would do as a parent.
And I noticed, boy, they're dressed really nice. That's really odd. That's funny. They're like fancy clothes. After a few minutes, they let me out of the car.
I go, say, I'm really sorry. It's my fault. And I realize they're dressed actually nicely, but in black. The dad finally shakes my hand. He says, we just came from our daughter's funeral.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
She died in a car accident earlier this week. No.
Oh, my God.
This is the worst day of their life. Not the worst day of your life.
100%. Their day was so much worse than mine. It's like all of my stuff is trivial. You feel this big and you're just like, sorry. It was awful.
Thankfully, the kid was okay and everything was fine. And we talked a couple weeks later and he was fine, too. But, of course, we had to call my wife and say, you need to come get me. We don't have a car anymore.
And I'm pretty sure, after the ticket this morning and this, I don't even have a license anymore. I mean, what a fucking day of points for you.
I have no idea why, but he only gave me like a failure to yield. So I would have lost my license had it been a major. But I guess he just had pity on me.
Because you're such a nice farmer.
Future farmer.
So, it's not over. My wife comes to pick me up and she has to drive like the old junkie cavalier. Almost two hours to come. pick me up. And she arrives.
They release us to leave and we get in the car. We get maybe like two or three miles away from the site. And the car starts to shake and do some odd, weird things. So I pull over to the side of the road and the car dies. And it turns out the alternator has died on the car that she's come to pick me up in.
Which means it no longer runs. So now we just like pull off to the side of the road and just look at each other, like, what are we supposed to do?
Really quick. in that moment, you're on your way to seminary school. So you believe in God. In that moment, are you like, God is screaming something at me.
Something is trying to be told to me.
Yes, did you have those thoughts?
I don't think I did. I probably should have. I was probably not very introspective at 22.. Yeah, okay. At that time, I realized there's blue lights behind me again.
And a highway patrolman has pulled up behind us again. Because it's the same highway patrolman that just left the scene of our accident. Oh no! So he is the one who's worked the accident and has now gotten out and comes up to the car. And he kind of peeks in and he realizes it's me.
And he just kind of shakes his head and he says, I'm sorry, I actually feel bad for you today. And so, like, it was nice about that at least. He radioed the tow company again. And the same guy who towed the first car away has now come to tow the second car away. And we have to ride with him this time.
And he's a stereotypical auto tow worker. Enormous man, smells awful. My wife has to sit in between us and we ride in the tow truck together. We have to go back and get more things out of the initial wrecked car. So he tows the second one back.
I have to call my dad. My dad's pretty handy. So he actually is trying to help solve the problem. And I realize, as we're getting to the other car, this is a new car. I have not called the insurance company to tell them that I purchased a new car.
Which means this car has no insurance. Oh!
Yeah, it was bad. Thankfully, after like three weeks, they relented and gave us money on the car. Under the guise of, yes, of course I was going to put insurance on the car. I just hadn't. yet.
My dad ended up, he's a handy guy. He brought an alternator and he changed an alternator. in the parking lot of the tow company. We sat at a fruit stand and ate apples until everything was solved. And we were able to get in the car and go back home.
Is it like 10 p.m. at this point?
No, it's only noon. Oh.
By the time we got in the car to go home, it was dark. A long two-hour drive home after that.
Oh, my God. At some point, when the car died on the side of the road, I might have considered like, it's time to go to bed in the car and wake up and try this again tomorrow.
It was definitely feeling that way. It was a rough day, but that poor family.
Oh, my God. The family.
Oh. You know, if you're the parents, you got to just be like, I can't let anyone leave my sight. Ever. The world is so fucking scary and dangerous. Also, I was brought back a lot of PTSD from all the piece of shit cars I owned my whole life.
And they're just constantly watching all of the dials at all times. Watching the temperature. Watching the amperage. Waiting for something to break. Oh, so stressful.
Oh, God. Check engine lights are always on. You never know when something's wrong, because it's always on.
Well, that one, yeah, you just come to ignore. You're like, that's standard. Of course. the check engine light's on. That means it's running, I guess.
That's right.
Oh, Adam, what a shit day.
That was a bad day.
And it carries on, because you've got now points on your license and you've got insurance issues. You don't have two cars anymore.
Yeah, I was thankful because when I was 16, I'd wrecked a car on the way home from school because we were having a snowball fight like out the windows of our car. And so I had like major points on my license already for being an idiot. It was bad. So, yeah, I don't know how I didn't lose my license for many years.
Have you driven your tractor through the side of your house on accident or anything yet?
No, I hit the chicken coop with it a couple weeks ago.
You might need glasses, Adam. Yeah, something's going on.
This is definitely true.
Oh, boy. Oh, well, it's great meeting you. I'm sorry you had such a repugnant day.
That's okay. It was a long time ago. Everything is good now. Okay, wonderful.
Well, it was a delight meeting you.
Likewise. I appreciate you guys so much. I worked in church ministry for a long time, before I was a farmer. And so we share a pretty radically different worldview, but I'm an avid listener. I learned so much from you guys about people and about just relationships and listening and being vulnerable.
I'm grateful for the questions. And I thought your conversation with Nadia Eibholtz Weber was excellent. Asking hard questions. And I appreciate, even though we share a different view of the world, the greatness of humanity and being able to chat and learn from each other is amazing.
What a compliment.
Yeah, I don't say this haphazardly. I actually much more appreciate folks like you that listen, who, yeah, have a much different worldview. I just respect it so much. I think it's such a sign of your own confidence in how you think and that you're not threatened by hearing something different. And I like that challenge too, so I very much appreciate you.
Thank you. I appreciate you guys. It's wonderful. Thanks for having me on. All right.
Thank you. Take care, Adam.
Bye.
Take good care. Oh, I love that. Yeah. No, it didn't sound good.
Good care take.
God, that family is all I can think about. Oh. Leaving the funeral?
Okay, if I could even attempt to put a silver lining on it.
Oh, do you have to? I guess you should try.
I'm going to try. Okay. You're so devastated. Your life's over, but then this near-death thing happens right away. And I do think it might blast you with gratitude in a moment that that was unimaginable.
Yeah. It's so heartbreaking.
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Hi.
Hi, what fake name shall we give you?
You know what, we can just use my regular name. My husband was very certain. he wanted me to just use my name.
Okay, so Heidi. Yes. You have some beautiful floral tattoos hanging out your shoulder. or is that an undergarment?
Tattoos. Beautiful. Thank you. It's got a dahlia there.
Oh, okay. Beautiful.
Some roses and hellebore. Not sure how to say that.
Oh, my God, Heidi. You're reminding me. So I took a walk with my wife and my mother two days ago in the neighborhood. And my wife always makes fun of me if I'm talking to another dude about cars. She's like, you guys are just saying numbers back and forth.
This is the stupidest conversation. Oh, is that a 350?? Not the 327.. But I was listening to those two talk about flowers and I realized you ladies. Oh, I think that's a hibiscus.
No, that's a pumperannii. No, those are pumperdaisies. The names are so silly and no one ever knows what it actually is. And that's honeysuckle. No, that might be honeydew.
The whole walk. No one ever really knew what the exact thing was.
You've said like two real things.
But they sounded like exciting new flowers. I know.
I would be excited to meet a pumpernee.
No, those aren't plumerias. Those are. And they'll just sit there and debate whether. But then they always conclude that they're not certain which one it is. I was listening to this for 45 minutes.
I was like, you guys, this is the female equivalent of the car talk.
I tried to become a gardener during COVID. And I planted some flowers and I spent some time. I was so proud of how they were growing. And my neighbor is a landscaper. And he asked me why I was tending to my weeds so well.
Oh, we're growing.
I just had some really pretty weed. So I gave up.
Okay, you had a horrible day.
I'm sure you have many, but we're going to hear about one of them. Yes.
So this took place when I was in college.
Can I ask really quickly where you're at? I'm always curious.
I'm in Oregon.
Oh, okay, great. My whole family's there.
My whole family's here.
Oh, my God. Do we have the same family?
When your mom interviewed, she mentioned Hood River. And that's where I'm from. Oh, no kidding. But this took place in Hawaii. I went to college in Hawaii.
Mormon?
I was at the time. There's a little LDS University in the North Shore. If you're going to go to college, I definitely recommend Hawaii. Fantastic. So I wanted to do all the things when I was there.
And I joined the scuba diving club. So they would get you certified. And then about every other week, they would have dives you could sign up for if you wanted to go. But my neighbor, who is also in the club, she was like, we need to go on a dive. that's not where we ride on a school bus with 50 other kids from the university and we're all going together.
And she was calling different dive shops. And she found one that was doing like a three dive day, two day dives and a night dive. She talked me into it. I didn't have the money to do it. But she was older than me and she opened up her wallet and she showed me like 20 credit cards.
And she was like, you haven't learned yet about credit cards. You're too young. They're amazing. They're like Monopoly money. She's like, I get them if I just like the picture on the card.
And she was like, and this one's a Hawaiian sunset. So you have to get this one. You're right. I need a Hawaiian sunset. So I put it on my Monopoly money card.
And the day of the dive, I was driving us up there. And my roommates and I had chipped in. when we moved there. We each paid $100 and we got a $300 car. Oh, wow.
Must have been outstanding.
It was just as amazing as you would imagine a $300 car to be. So the brakes didn't work well. And we knew, like if there was a stoplight or a stop sign coming up, you really had to start breaking like a half a block in advance. But if you didn't have time, you had to brake and you had to pull on the emergency brake at the same time to stop the car.
Great.
I'm sure there was like a lot of automotive problems with that. The biggest problem in my mind with this was that the ceiling of the car had felt that had fallen down. And the previous owner had stapled it back up. So it was like a staple. And then it would kind of droop down.
It's staple. And we had cockroaches living in the droopy parts of the car. So every time you hit the emergency brake, the cockroaches would come flying out of the top. And it would land on whoever is in the front seat.
This is like riding somewhere in a coffin you've dug up. This is horrifying.
And then you'd have to roll down the window. But it was like those old ones that you roll with your hand. Also, I'm really notorious in my family for being a terrible driver in a good car. Oh, wow.
This is a match made in heaven.
I woke up and I was really nervous because I'm driving the cockroach mobile. And I know we don't know where we're going. It's 1998.. So we have a paper map. My friend's navigating.
in the front. She's like, oh, wait.
Turn here.
And then the cockroaches fly. And I roll down the window.
It's kind of fun, though, too, right? No.
If you were in the back seat, they seemed to really enjoy what was happening in the front.
Sure.
But it wasn't fantastic. from the front. We were going to Honolulu. And it was like an hour and a half away. And by the time we got there, my nerves were just already shot from all the cockroaches.
I don't like bugs. And we got to the dive shop. And they were like, oh, guys, you came. We don't have enough people signed up. So it's not really worth our time to take you.
They're like, but don't worry. We're just going to keep your money. And you can come up another time.
That's not how things work.
Exactly. And everyone who had driven in the car with me was like, we're not coming up again. We're not riding in the car with her again. So this kind of should have been a sign to me that they were not the most legit place. They just started walking up and down the street and asking if anyone wanted to go on a dive.
And they were like, oh, if you don't have your certification, it's fine. We'll give you some pointers. And we had just gotten certified. And I'm kind of a rule follower. And I'm like, they are not supposed to be doing that.
And it took them a really long time. I actually dug out my journal last night. I was reading it. But we didn't leave till 4.. And there was like 15 divers that they managed to get.
There was five in my group.
10 randos? Yes.
And as soon as we get on the boat, they have like chakootery. Oh. And then like wine and beer. Oh. So everybody's drinking.
Maybe I'm just being really nervous. Maybe it's just the Mormon. in me that's like, no alcohol.
Maybe worldly people always drink before they dive.
They drink before they dive without their certification.
Oh, my God.
So we did the first dive. And it went OK. But they did some stuff that we weren't supposed to do. And then, by the time they drove the boat to where the second dive was going to be, it was dusk. Oh boy.
So I was like, I guess it's going to be two night dives. And I'd never done a night dive. So I was nervous. Before we got in, they were like, oh. And just to be aware, there's a lot of sharks and eels in this area.
I didn't become a scuba diver to like hang with the sharks. That was like the one thing I never wanted to see. So I'm diving with my partner, who's my friend, Amy. It's about time for us to come up. They have to leave a buoy with a diver's flag at the top, wherever the divers are, so that if boaters come around, they know that there's divers down there.
And that was anchored to the ocean floor. So we were supposed to use the rope to like guide us up, because you have to do safety stops along the way and then wait three to five minutes.
So your blood, you don't get the bends, right?
Yeah. So we're doing that. And I'm kind of keeping an eye out. I don't want to crash my head against the buoy when we get close. But when we get close enough to the top, I just see a bunch of legs, and they're all kicking and fighting at each other.
Fwailing.
We pop up, and the first thing that I notice is there's no light anywhere. Like the boat had lights on it. There's no boat.
Oh, my God.
The boat is gone. No. And I can't see lights anywhere. Oh, my God. So it's just dark, and there's the little buoy with the flag.
And there's 15 people who we're all aware that the boat's gone. We're all hoping that the boat will come back. And when it will, it will come back to this place where there's a buoy. So everyone's trying to hang on.
Submerging the buoy, then?
Yeah, it was like smaller than an inner tube. There wasn't enough space for everyone. And that's when it got. really Lord of the Flies. People just start beating on each other to knock them off the buoy.
Oh, wow. And also, I didn't mention this, but the current was really, really strong that day. So waves are like crashing against the buoy. And one of the dive masters said they'd never seen such a strong current as there was that day. So I try to get in and like hang on, get a piece of that buoy.
And one of the guys who I was trying to squeeze in by just takes his elbow and smashes it into my face.
Oh, my gosh.
So I go under and I wasn't expecting it. And I'm breathing in a ton of water. And when I pop up, and keep in mind the current's so strong. And then you also have your weight belt on, that's designed to keep you in the ocean, not above the ocean. So we're all using a lot of energy to try to stay above water.
And so I'm trying to kick back above water. And I'm just like coughing out all of this water that I just swallowed and trying to stop choking. And then he starts using his feet on me. And he starts kicking me with his feet. And I just get pushed away.
My friend, Amy, that I was with, she also got kicked off. And there were about five of us and one dive master. It was survival of the fittest. And we did not survive. We were kicked off that buoy like we were kicked off the island.
So we start floating away with the current. At this point, the dive master starts screaming at us, drop your weight belt. I had two things that I was thinking of. First, they taught us that that only happens in an emergency. So that means this is an emergency.
And second, if I drop the weight belt, are they going to ask me to pay for it later? Do I have enough Monopoly money to pay for the weight belt? I'm like a cheap college student, but I'm thinking that. So I'm screaming, well, I have to pay for this.
When I'm dead. Yeah.
And Amy is just screaming. The three other people that were all floating away. Then he starts screaming to them, watch out for the rocks. And I'm like, oh, my gosh, are we going to hit some rocks? He's freaking out.
He's yelling at the people that are floating away. Float over here. Like trying to get them to come be in a group with us. And also everyone on the buoy screaming at each other. It's just like a bunch of people screaming in the ocean, waving their flashlights in the air.
This is such a nightmare.
It was. And at that point, it was just me and Amy and the dive master. And she's screaming. And I'm asking about the cost of the weight belt. And he turns to us and he yells, drop your fucking weight belt.
And quit screaming, or I'm going to smack the shit out of you.
Everyone is in panic mode. Yeah. Everyone's lost their composure.
We drop our weight belts. And he told us to, which? these are all things we've learned. I just was panicking and didn't think about it. To inflate the air in your vest.
And he's like, just lean back, float on your back and let the current take you.
Were you guys like holding hands, so you'd all stay together, or something?
We had our flashlights, so I could tell I was right next to the three of them. But it was not very long before. outside of the three of us, I couldn't see anybody else's light and I couldn't hear them screaming anymore. Oh. The dive master had a whistle.
So he keeps blowing into the whistle and yelling for help. I was like, so we're either going to be eaten by sharks or we're just going to die floating out here. I don't see a third option because I'm not sure how the boat's actually going to find us. Yeah. What the dive master said later when we were safe in the boat, he knew that once they picked everyone up off the buoy and they realized we weren't all there, they would just follow the current like straight out from the buoy.
Oh, okay.
So that's why he told us to just float, let the current take us away.
Conserve your energy.
Yeah. The other three that had floated away later on the boat, they told us none of them dropped their weight belt, none of them inflated their vest. So they're all trying to stay on top of the water. And they all spent their whole time trying to swim back to the buoy. Right.
So when they got on the boat, they were like jellied. So we were out there for about an hour and a half. And I was just like, so we're dead. And I should've told my mom that I loved her more. And about an hour and a half later, the boat shows up.
And at that point, the current's so strong and we're cold. We've been in the water for a long time. It's totally dark. We can't even swim to the ladder on the boat. So they just throw a rope out and they tow us in and they just kind of pull us up by our vest.
So we just scraped against the ladder and the side of the boat and I ended up with bruises all up and down my legs and the top of my feet like skinned off. They threw us in. They start undressing us out of our wetsuits and our gear. And they had a shower on the boat. And so they throw us in the hot shower.
And they're like, we still have three people. we're missing.
Oh my God. This is a movie. Monica's skin's about to peel off.
I feel, wow.
They said. what happened was that two people were diving and they saw two hammerhead sharks. So they turned around and they started swimming away, not realizing they were going with the current. And so they came up. They were done.
They didn't want to do the dive. Probably came up super fast. Probably one of the people without certifications. When they popped up, the boat went after them. That's why I was gone.
But why would it take that long for them to come back?
Exactly.
And part of me thinks it was because of all the wine and beer. Because when we got on the boat, everyone who had been rescued was like back there drinking and having a party. Oh! They are having a good time. And I am like lying on the floor with this heated shower hitting us.
I'm so tired. The adrenaline's coming down, so I'm shaking. I was really mad. And I went and laid at the front of the boat a little bit later, after they'd picked up everyone. We are going back and it's just super choppy.
It's totally dark. It's been dark since we came up. So you just can't see anything. Two of my friends were like we just got super seasick and we puked off the side of the boat. But because of the wind, it all flew back on the people having a party in the back.
They think it's just water, so they don't know they're covered in puke.
What a shit show.
Such a shit show.
When we got back, I'm not the best at standing up for myself. My friends were all like we want total refunds. And I was like, well, at least refund us for the third dive, because we didn't ever go on a third dive. They just got tired of fighting with us. So it was like one in the morning when we got back.
so they just locked up the dive shop and drove away. And I was like I guess we're just driving back in the cockroach mobile without our money. It was terrible. The only good part was that I actually ended up calling my bank to see how to ask for a refund, explain the situation. The nice lady on the phone listened to my story and she was like okay, sweetie, you're going to get a refund, but also then you're going to cut up this credit card, because this isn't monopoly money.
This has a 21% interest, and your friend gave you terrible advice. That was the only kind of good thing that came out of that. After that, it was really when I went diving a big stickler for places that didn't take drunk, uncertified people out diving.
Who do you report someone like that to? Is there an agency? Do you tell the Coast Guard? Who monitors that?
Now I feel like I could give them a bad Yelp review or, I don't know, find out some way. They'll kill you. But back then.
There's no regulations.
Wow. That is a horrific tale. That is a true worst day.
Castaway came out a year later and I was like I've been there.
I've done that.
People losing their shit. There's nothing quite like it.
Yeah, fascinating. People really got into survival mode. Thanks for sharing that bad bad day.
That was wild. Monica. you just took a year off her life just hearing that story.
I do not feel well.
Yeah, you feel unwell.
But thank you.
Yeah, delightful meeting you, Heidi. That's a barn burner.
It was nice meeting you guys too. Thanks.
Be well and your love to everyone in Seattle. What am I saying? You're in Oregon.
I was like I do.
I'm a mess. I did too many. I've shit the bed twice. Bye. Bye.
Take care. Oh my God. What did I just say?
You also said a bunch of words smashed together.
Oh, my God. My love to everyone in Seattle. What?
But I think you just said love to everyone.
Love to everyone in Seattle.
What?
That story, like, took it out of me. I know.
I feel tired.
Yeah, I feel like really wrung out like I was just treading water for three hours.
I would have died.
See? No.
Geez.
Oh boy. Makes you a little less mad about the tubing incident, doesn't it?
These are bad days.
Yeah.
Hello.
Hi.
You look so nice. You're wearing a beautiful blazer.
Thank you. I just came from work.
You know who she immediately reminds me of?
Can I guess? Yeah.
I don't know. Audra.
Oh, our friend Audra. I was thinking celebrity.
Oh, but our friend Audra is so pleasant.
She is.
Well, it's the blazer.
It's so nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, Emily. Where are you?
I am in the DFW area.
Dallas-Fort Worth. Yep. DFW. Big old airport.
Huge. I'm really close to the airport too, so it's very convenient.
So okay. Tell us about your worst day, Emily.
So this takes place in early June 2009.. So I had just moved with my sister and her husband, and they had a 10 month old baby daughter. A little bit of backstory. I had graduated college in 2008, which was probably one of the worst times to graduate.
Yeah. Not great.
I'm so stupid. What's 2008??
Well, the bubble. You know.
Oh, yes. The financial. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Yes. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
So I got married after I graduated. That did not last very long. so I was going through a divorce and decided to get a fresh start. And this all happened back in Iowa, where I was born and raised. So I'm newly in Dallas.
I'm living with my sister. I was working at a job at Buffalo Wild Wings. Yeah. Fuck, yes. Trying to make my way.
And so all my family is back up north. And that includes our family dog. And she was a Boston Terrier. She was just the best dog. She lived with me in college.
I was so excited to get my own place and she could come down and live with me. So the day starts off. I'm trying to look for jobs online and I'm really disappointed. So I was like I'm just going to go outside. And I'll mow the lawn.
It looks like it needs to be mowed. I'll do something nice.
A little exercise.
Yeah. So I'm almost done and I'm doing like the front lawn. The house and the sidewalk. It's that little strip. And I'm mowing a little push mower and I notice there's like a clump of grass and it kind of dips down.
And so I was like that's odd. And I pulled back, which was the biggest mistake because it was a bunny nest. As I pulled back, a poor little bunny had stuck its head out and the mower just sliced it.
Decapitated.
It was horrible. Oh, no.
So I'm just frozen there.
And other bunnies screw out of the little hole, run away. And the mower, I let go of the thing, it turned off. And the bunny was like screaming. It was like Silence of the Lambs.
It was screaming, even though it was decapitated?
Well, it was from here to here.
Well, it would have been better if it was just clean cut around the neck.
None of it would have been better.
Well, it's the worst thing ever.
So I am obviously just stunned and I just run into the house. I leave the mower outside. I'm going to call my sister. I don't know what to do.
This is now your brother-in-law's issue, not yours. Yes, exactly.
And the bunny, unfortunately, it fell back into the hole. So there was no trying to retrieve it, doctor it up or anything. So I called my sister and I realized she had called me. And so I was like, hey, what's going on? And I don't even remember if I went into my story, because then she immediately tells me, she's like, something happened to Meg.
And I was like, what? And that was our pet dog at home. She accidentally was chasing what we think was a ground squirrel off the deck and she was on a leash and she fell off.
And she accidentally hung herself.
Our little kid brother found her. And so here I am, all these things happening in the matter of just a short span of time. I was just devastated.
Inundated with animal tragedy.
Some of these stories are odd. It's all one thing. Yours is all animals. The other was all car.
Well, it gets a little worse. So I go to work because I'm like, well, I got to go to work.
These wings aren't going to serve themselves.
People are coming from Lake Louisville. They want their wings. So I go to work. And after the dinner rush, I was like, I'm going to call my sister. And she's like, Emily, why are all these dead bunnies in the front yard?
What?
I was like, what are you talking about? There was one bunny. It's horrible. I don't even want to talk about it.
Such a sister conversation. I don't even want to talk about it.
There was only one.
So it turns out that the other bunnies that ran to safety ran underneath my car,
which was parked out front.
So, essentially, I turned on the car, I went to work, and I ran over three additional bunnies. This is not real.
This is insane.
You killed four bunnies that day.
It's a massacre.
It's the bunny massacre of 2009.. And also on the same day that my beloved dog accidentally hung herself.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
And anybody who knows me knows I'm the biggest pet lover. I've always had pets. I had bunnies growing up. This was possibly the worst thing.
You didn't feel it when you drove over them?
They were teeny, tiny.
Fuck. They were real bunnies, not rabbits. Yeah. Oh, no. And she was thinking about her poor dog who had just had the most gruesome end.
And the other bunny. The other bunny and the little brother. And she was distracted, and the wings got to be served. She got to get to work. It's only slightly better than what I thought you were going to say, which is this happened when I was young.
My friend's dad started up his car. And in Michigan, in the winter, a lot of stray cats would go lay on engine blocks because they're warm. I don't know if they're called a litter of kittens. Kitties. Fuck.
He started up this 1976 Pontiac big block with a huge fan on the motor and just chopped them all up and had to deal with it. Oh, my god. Yeah. So when you said, when you started your car, I was thinking, is there any way on earth? you've chopped yet another round of them up now with the fan in there?
Well, essentially, she did. Well, she flattened those next ones. Why'd they go under there? That was such a bad hiding place.
My car was parked out front, and it was the closest thing where they want to hide in between the curb and where the wheel is. And they were probably running from their sister or brother who was screaming in the lawn.
Oh, my gosh.
This is such a disaster.
And I've had a lot of terrible days, a lot of sad days, but I felt like on those days you always kind of learn something.
I learned nothing from this.
There was no rhyme or reason for this bad day at all.
There's nothing to learn. It's like someday when you wake up, you might kill inadvertently a ton of animals on this day.
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