Questions 3
2024-02-29 00:24:39
After 25 years at the Late Night desk, Conan realized that the only people at his holiday party are the men and women who work for him. Over the years and despite thousands of interviews, Conan has never made a real and lasting friendship with any of his celebrity guests. So, he started a podcast to do just that. Deeper, unboundedly playful, and free from FCC regulations, Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend is a weekly opportunity for Conan to hang out with the people he enjoys most and perhaps find some real friendship along the way.
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You brought a poop. Here comes Liz. you were the poop guy. here comes Liz.
Oh, you were.
What happened to Liz?
Oh, you don't like this, you don't like me talking. Does this bother you? Squelch? Nope.
You do.
The more you do that, the more I talk, don't....
Hi Liz, we're just working through some things here.
No problem.
Welcome to Conan, O'Brien needs a fan.
Hi Liz, how are you? hi?
I'm great, how are you doing?
I'm doing great, it's so nice to meet you. Where are you calling us from?
Providence, Rhode Island.
Oh, providence, I know, Providence. Oh yeah. oh yeah. Well, I grew up in Boston, Massachusetts.
And then, when I was a kid, we would spend the summers staying at my grandfather's house. He was a retired policeman from Worcester, Mass. and so he had a place in Miskwamaka, Rhode Island, down by the state beach. Oh, lovely. And so we would every year pack up our clunky station wagon with six kids, parakeets, two dogs, a cat, my grandma, like everybody.
We would just all cram into this thing with everything we would need for three weeks, and it was this mecca. We would drive down through Providence and usually stop off there and get a bite to eat and then go all the rest of the way to Miskwamaka. So a lot of fond memories of Providence.
I'm so glad. Yeah, I think it's great here.
It's really nice, it's a great place. And what do you do?
I'm a children's librarian. Oh, you are good for you, I am.
That's great, I love that and tell us a little bit about, I mean, God, it's been so long. I used to love going to the library when I was a kid. Big shock.
I wasn't a jock, but I did love going and hanging out in the library. And in fact, there was a really good library in Westerly Rhode Island that I used to go to.
Oh, that's a beautiful library.
It's gorgeous.
It looks like a castle, yeah.
It looks like a castle and I would go in there and, you know, other kids would be playing at the beach. But because there's something called the sun that's in the sky, I would say, Please, mother, take me to the library.
Learn I shall well, you should have gotten a really big book and take that to the beach, exactly.
I used to do that, I used to always, yeah, I used to check out like some giant almanac and hide underneath it at the beach.
It's a huge atlas.
Yeah, but I loved it there and I remember there was always a contest. Every summer. They had this giant sort of 3D map with mountains and everything, and a river and everyone. You signed up and you got a little canoe with a little person in it.
And each time you read a book, you advanced along the river. Well, that's so cute. And the whole idea was by the end of the summer who would be in the lead. And you could see other canoes were in the lead. And you'd want to read more books to try and get ahead of them.
And then I eventually gave up and just moved my canoe over the mountain, my portage, and got in front of everybody, portage, Yeah, yeah.
How do they know if you read the books, could you cheat?
They didn't, and you could cheat.
No, it's all honor system in the public library, I know.
And when I hear honor System, I say, See ya suckers, this canoe's going over the mountain, then it's the library.
It's usually pretty obvious when that's happening, but yeah, we don't worry about it. If one kid hops his canoe over the mountain, you got 20 more who are cheating along.
Yeah, I was actually I was arrested. Oh no, yeah, yeah.
I did six months in Juvie.
Gosh, yeah, the library was the origin of your delinquency.
It really was. It's where it all started. And when I would tell the other kids in Juvie what I was there for, that didn't go over well. I moved my canoe.
Get him. It's why you're so tough. Yeah, yeah, I went to Overland with my canoe.
I told them I read Copernicus, but I hadn't. The beating that ensued lasted six weeks. So Liz?
You work at a library, a children's library in Providence. what's a children's library? Like? These days? Are kids still reading? I hope they are, I hope they're not on their phones and their machines.
Yeah.
I usually say that kids are probably reading more than most adults. Frankly, we're too busy to read, and so I do. I see a lot of kids excited about the books about libraries, and the children's library, I think, is like a wonderful community resource now.
Gone are the days where you had to shush your mouth and read in silence. It's playtime and getting excited about books.
Wait a minute, children's libraries are loud now.
They are loud, my friends like disco clubs.
Like thumping house music.
Not quite at a rave level. Is that your house music? I mean? is that what your house music is?
Don't get off on a tangent here. But so anyway, it's very loud, it's very loud. Sona, I hope you're taking your kids to libraries, we do.
We take them a lot.
And we actually went to a different library once and they're two and a half. And they came in yelling and I was sweating, I was so nervous, but no one told them to be quiet.
And then we looked over and there's toys and there's a whole play area in this one library. And I was like, maybe this is OK, but I personally couldn't handle it. So we went to our normal regular library, where we knew they could be loud.
Let me ask you something, Liz. No one goes shh. there's not a mean old woman named Mrs. Crumbottom who goes shh.
I have a patron named Mrs Crumbottom who shushes me. I would never shush anyone as a librarian. So no, especially for kids, because play is so important, and that's why we let toddlers toddle around while we're reading aloud.
They're still getting stuff, but they need to engage in that way.
That's incredible, I love that, I love that. What are the popular books right now? Obviously, Harry Potter was a big thing.
Still pretty big, honestly.
Yeah, yeah, I hope so. Those are good books.
Any Tom Clancy for the kids?
Oh man, Tom Clancy Well, we do have Tom Clancy, but if they're reading it, it's in another room, not mine. Actually, there's a book called Dog Man that is never on my shelf.
It's so popular. It's a graphic novel series about a policeman who has the head of a dog and the body of a man.
Wait, how did that happen?
It happened, it's a little dark, it starts out a little dark. He was in a terrible accident, it was a car accident.
And the dog's body died, but his head was in good shape. the policeman's head expired and his body, though, still pretty good shape.
Oh, yeah, bodies do fine without the head, yeah.
You don't need that.
This is a scientific book most bodies live on for a long time after the brain is gone, so wait a minute. So that's a very dark opening, a terrible accident. It is a little dark, but the rest of it's all laughs.
Okay, and do kids get upset by that dark opening?
No, not at all. One of the clever devices of the book is it's actually a comic within a comic. When you open it, you meet these two kids who are writing the Dog Man comic, so it's all fiction. You don't have to worry about it.
And then it's just all dog shenanigans, it is fiction. I should have specified that. Okay, good.
Okay.
I was wondering why she hadn't read about this in the paper. This is pretty incredible.
This should have been front page news.
So dog man's the big thing, huh? One of the things that would be-.
Dog man is real big.
It'd be funny if Dog Man was like, real, It was because it sounds like it's funny and kids like it. It's got a good sense of humor, but it'd be great. I think if they just had the through line, was that dog man's in constant pain? Oh sure.
Oh, sure, I'd love to see, like a gritty film noir dog man series.
He has to, he's just taking a lot of morphine and opium to get through. Because it hurts when you have your body, when you have a dog's head attached to your body, and he's just-.
Also, you've got like two different instincts happening, the instincts of a dog, the instincts of a man. Can they be one?
Does he lift his leg when he pees? I mean, what is it? what happens? Who's the dominant? Oh yeah.
There's a lot of dog behavior, I would say that. -.
Does he sniff butts?
Probably.
That's why he goes to clubs.
He has the ability to solve mysteries, but he's still a dog. He likes dog bone. He gets excited, he doesn't have a tail to wag. But I think if he did, he would.
We all have a tail to wag.
Does he poop in a toilet?
Wait, Okay, well, I don't know about that. Let's elevate this.
Because it's the body, it's the human body, but he's eating dog food, so how is the body digesting the dog food that you do with your head? But everything.
Human-related you do with your body.
I'm sure that Dave Pilkey has that in all of his movies.
You know what's interesting, Liz?
Would he digest dog food?
Can we eat dog food? You know what's interesting?
Does he do it doggy style?
What I don't understand, Liz, is that Sona's asking all the questions a five-year-old would ask. I really do feel like you're back at your library. I don't understand.
Does he poo?
Where does he poo?
I think if he does it doggy style, I've never gotten that question from a five-year-old. They don't mention that in the book.
They will wait until they turn eight. How does he do it?
Yeah.
Okay.
Then they'll come back and ask follow-up questions. Does he shower?
Okay, Sona, just chill.
I'm sorry.
Just chill, you don't have to read it.
You're in the library.
I really do.
I feel like I should, you'll like it. It's pictures, mostly. You made a joke, but that's true. No, it is true.
Yeah, I know I don't see you often. Oh, I better go get my book.
She had me a graphic novel.
Oh man, I laughed way too hard.
Anyway, Liz, I think it's wonderful. What do you do when a kid gets out of hand? does that ever happen? or the kid's pretty well behaved?
Oh, you know, we have meltdowns, of course, in the library. But luckily the kids can't be there on their own for the most part. So we let the parents deal with it, which is nice.
I have a question to ask you. And you know, we don't really get political on this show, but it is this thing that you hear about all the time. That's happening in libraries where parents come marching in and they think that something's a little woke in a book. Yeah, you know, they think that maybe Dog Man likes Bernie Sanders in one panel, and they're upset and they want the book banned from the library. Have you had to encounter any of that?
Oh, absolutely, you know, I have an annual Pride display I put up and there are always complaints about that, which is very funny to me. Because, you know, our Pride collection is probably about 100 books out of 30,000 books I have in the children's room. But just that little batch seems to upset some people. And I think folks forget that if they don't like those books, they don't have to read them, they don't have to check them out. But there's definitely other people in the community that those books are for. So, yeah, I've dealt with that a little bit.
Luckily, our community is very supportive of the library, so it's never gotten further than complaints. But I do know other places. That's just not the case, and I feel so sorry for these library workers.
Oh, yeah, there's sometimes, I mean, I think it's such a noble profession, I think teaching is such a noble profession. I think librarians, people that choose to try and expand a child's horizons as a lifetime's occupation, are really doing magical work. And then I, when they, you know, I always feel badly when suddenly they're caught up in some crazy conspiracy theory that these books are trying to, you know, destroy minds or something. Or they have a political agenda, and I think it can go way too far.
I agree, and I'm thrilled to hear that you've got our backs, Conan.
Oh, I don't. no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no.
No, no, I mean, the minute there's any trouble, I'll completely retreat, you know, all right.
I thought that Juvie had toughened you up a little bit. No, no.
No, no, those scars healed a long time ago.
No, I do like to think I have your backs, I really do. I think books are not the enemy and we've got bigger problems, that's what I think.
Yeah, I agree, and that's why we're here as librarians. Actually, you know, if you're a family, if you're like, I'm not ready for these books, that's fine. I'm not going to try to convince you otherwise. We'll help you find what you need and then we keep other stuff on the shelf to help other people find what they need.
I have such happy memories of the little, tiny library. I went to a K-3 school in Brookline, Mass. called the Baldwin School, and it had this tiny library and I would go in there. And I can remember to this day some of the books I read in there, and some of them were kind of dark and a little spooky, but that made them so great. Yeah, there was one, about three sort of highwaymen robbers that would rob coaches, and it was so beautifully illustrated.
And they had little blunderbuss, muskets, and then at one point, they find a baby and raise it. And I don't know. I just remember thinking, this is such a weird, dark story, but I love it.
Oh no, I totally get it.
And kids can handle it, they can handle the darker fairy tales.
Yeah, absolutely. I think, you know, it's within the boundaries of a book, and so it's a way to sort of test the waters with darker material. Kids love that stuff and I think, and they'll continue to love it into adulthood. I know I do.
Like the original brothers, Grimm stuff is very dark, you know, absolutely, people being fattened up to be eaten, you know?
You know, there's mothers feeding fathers their own children. That happens in brothers grimm in the juniper tree. Oh yeah.
I don't know that one.
There's cannibalism in there, cannibalism. Oh, that's an amazing fairy tale, yeah, in the Juniper tree. Oh, you know. Evil Stepmother hates the little boy she's raising. She tricks her daughter into thinking she killed the boy, but the stepmother did it.
She feeds the kid to dad. But then there's a whole redemptive cycle where the kid turns into a bird and sings about his murder. And he ends up dropping a millstone on the stepmother like you do.
You know what it is? It's an allegory for DNA evidence. What? Beyond the grave, the child screams his innocence, and the father paid the price, or the mother?
That's what the brothers Grimm had in mind, do you think?
Yes, I think they foresaw that DNA evidence, even after the death, will incriminate the murderer. Yes, yes, that's about DNA. My mind is shut to any other interpretation.
How does she feed him?
Wow, and do you read these books as well? Or are there modern fairy tales that you're into? are there modern interpretations of fairy tales that you like?
Oh yeah, fairy tales are probably my favorite genre, so I love it all. Although I tend to read the old stuff because I just really love those dark fairy tales, I like a fairy tale that's a little fucked up.
Yeah, all the books behind you seem to have tales in the title. Yeah, absolutely.
Oh yeah, I've got all of the greats up there, plus some more obscure stuff.
So you like a fucked up fairy tale?
I love a good, fucked up fairy tale, Conan.
Do characters in fucked up fairy tales ever just say to themselves, Whoa, this is fucked up?
You know, they don't, and I think maybe if they did, they'd end up in much better situations. You've got to get out of those situations. No, I mean, there's fucked up versions of some of our most popular fairy tales.
Give me an example. I want to hear these because I might want to read them.
Okay, so, of course, everyone knows Cinderella, one of our most beloved fairy tales of all time. Yep, well, there are some versions in East Asia, where there's a whole second half of the Cinderella story. You know, she has her magical helper friend, she meets her prince, but then the stepfamily wants revenge, so the stepmother murders Cinderella.
Cinderella is murdered in her own story.
Cinderella now starts to haunt the stepfamily from beyond the grave, like, relentlessly, like, I know what you did last summer. It's all bad for them. Eventually, she's resurrected, usually with like, a magical item of some kind. And then she has her true revenge, where she boils her stepsister alive and feeds that to her stepmother, who dies from the shock.
I see these things again and again and again, cannibalism and redemption. And also this is the format for, you know, like John Wick, it's just this happens, but then, oh, you think it's over, it's not over.
Shit just got real. I mean, this is what happens with the empire strikes back. I'm trying to get girly into the conversation I'm in now.
Now I understand.
But you know, oh, you think this is over? No, the empire strikes back, but then, you know, and so, yes, we see....
They land imperial walkers on hoth.
I know he just said the title of the movie with more conviction, as if he was like, getting more into it. But it didn't seem like you were elaborating at all. It's a hollow sale. You were just like, just like the empire strikes back, where the empire strikes back.
Yeah, I was. That's my interpretation. After a lot of thought about the empire strikes back, and having watched it many times, that's my interpretation of what happens and what it's really all about, which is the empire strikes back.
When people tell you who they are, believe them.
Yeah, exactly. I took a test once and they said, What happens when the empire strikes back? and I said, the empire strikes back.
What happens in return of the Jedi? You're not wrong.
The Jedi return?
Oh, and a new hope.
Oh yeah, there really is a new hope. And I took that test and I aced it and I was accepted to Williams College.
What happens in the Phantom Menace?
Oh man, that menace is phantoming, and he's a real phantom of a menace anyway. My point is any story where someone boils someone else and makes someone eat that person, that's a good story.
Yeah, it's a good story, it's ageless, you know, it's a good way to dispose of the body.
Oh yeah, incredible way to dispose of the body no one ever thinks of that. They're like, what do I do with this body? I don't know? Looks to me to be 140 pounds of protein.
Yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum.
You know what I mean, what do I do with all this protein in my bathtub? I don't know. You got a big refrigerator, I do.
What's your point? You got a skillet? I've got lots of skillets later. This restaurant's amazing. Oh, no.
I'm a murderer and I'm on the Atkins diet, yeah.
Oh, I do. You look amazing, man. You've lost so much weight, but it looks like you're getting a lot of protein. Yeah, and I don't see you with your friends anymore.
But you seem to have all of their shoes.
It's like a true crime element to fairy tales.
All right, Liz, do you have a question for me? Because I think I've wasted your time enough with my foolishness and I apologize.
I do have a question. Oh so fairy tales are made up of, like stock characters, right? like your Princess, your wise old Crone, your whatever. And I wondered, if you landed in a fairy tale universe, what role do you think you would fulfill in that fairy tale?
I'm such a.
The Ogre.
Just sona are my features really that distorted?
No, it's more about how you terrorize people.
Oh, I do not terrorize.
You're a large presence and you terrorize people. I've heard that you hang out at bridges and bully goats all the time.
I live under a bridge, I live under a bridge. But just because the savings are incredible and it's not technically against the law. And then when people want to cross the bridge, I ask them questions three.
Which apparently, guess what, there's no. Yeah, I'd be a mischievous troll. I want to be someone who's asking questions three and has little....
I'm an imp, I'm bothering.
Like a trickster.
A trickster? Yes. And then, if they don't answer my questions, they go flying off the bridge to their doom. And I live in a little hut in the woods and people are freaked out by me, but I'm kind of funny. And I also have a profitable podcast. podcast is very profitable.
That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, because we do ads, you see, if you monetize the ads, then that's where the profit is. And, of course, if you get enough other podcasts together, you can have a podcast company anyway. I'm getting off track a little bit.
Team Troll That would be the name of your podcast company?
Team troll Yeah, I would be one of these guys, answer me these questions. Three in the morning, it walks with four legs.
In the evening, it wears a German World War I helmet. Who Be?
Don't ask for the answer because I don't have it.
None of them have an answer.
He has the body of a worm, but the face of Winston Churchill nine eggs a day he eats. Who be he? These are really good, I'm naturally really good at these.
Is the thing, though, that there is no answer just so you can eat them?
No one gets off this fucking bridge, no one gets over the bridge, right? He's a walnut who knew Eleanor Roosevelt, but never really met her. Oh, that's Franklin.
Who be he? Dammit, you get to cross the bridge.
As long as no one calls him out, he can keep doing it.
Yeah, oh, I'm going to start, I'm going to do that. On the way home. When I get to the 405 freeway, I'm going to get out of my car, stop all traffic and say, answer me these questions, three.
What if you did, though? On the news, Conan O'Brien was seen.
Traffic packed up for 65 miles, no one can pass, police say they can't get close. But Conan O'Brien is asking people questions. Three, no one seems to be able to answer them, and he's beating them with sticks.
Yup, he just got shot.
Yup, we just shot him from a helicopter. I'm shouting up at the helicopter, answer me these questions. Three, a whirly bird it be, but no wings do I see.
Blam Conan O'Brien was shot today.
And rightly so.
A beautiful fairy tale.
Liz, I think you got your answer. A mischievous troll who's shot by the LAPD from a helicopter on the 405 freeway.
And it was a dog man that shot him.
Yeah, dog man solved the cat, it was dog man, the marksman.
Liz, you're very nice and I'm very impressed with what you're doing with your life. I think that's very cool, thank you so much. Just think about the generations of kids who are going to be influenced by you. And then all those years of them coming back as older people and saying, thank you, that's so cool.
I love that.
I hope so, that's the aim.
Yeah, unless they're ungrateful bastards, you never know.
Or if they skip their canoe ahead and end up in Juvie, we do the best we can.
I had to win that race. I wasn't reading fast enough.
I couldn't finish. Hey God, it's me, Margaret.
It's such a good book if there is a book that'll stump you with that one.
Oh, the minute I saw where it was going, I had to skip my canoe. So nice to talk to you, Liz. Be well. next time in Providence, I'll buy you a Mike's hard lemonade. How's that?
Sounds fantastic.
You take care.
Have a great one.
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