#638 - GREG FITZSIMMONS + DAVE SMITH

We have a bi-weekly show with the Kill Tony band, and the Secret Show is every single Thursday. Get tickets at sunsetstripatx..com and now a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you. Live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it Up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Yippee, make some noise for Red Band, everybody.

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You can't get a burrito like it here, that's the best one in San Diego. It's so bizarre and screwball. Peanut butter whiskey, still slightly almost done, proudly presents the Kill Tony Band. Everybody, they're still holding on.

I think this is the last week of screwball. Peanut butter whiskey. How about a hand for the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums?

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You guys ready to start tonight's episode?

You guys are in for a real special treat. These are two of the greatest guests in the show's history. Very, very exciting. Make some noise for the return of the great and powerful Greg Fitzsimmons and Dave Smith. Everybody, fuck yeah.

Greg Fitzsimmons Kill Tony Royalty, Greg, you sit next to me, Dave. you sit over there. Greg Fitzsimmons. one of my favorite comedians. make some fucking noise for Greg Fitzsimmons.

You guys have no idea what you're in for. Dave Smith Greg Fitzsimmons This has been exciting, exciting booking for me. I begged Greg to stay. He was here all weekend, doing sold-out shows at the Mothership.

I begged him to stay. I'm so glad that he did. Tony found me on the street he was begging. I forgot that I booked Dave Smith for this until he showed up 40 minutes ago.

Was anybody here when we plugged in a mic and added a chair? See, there's actual witnesses to that. You can't make it up. The show is totally improvised. I was promised a hot meal if I came in.

Greg Seriously, probably one of the record holders for all-time appearances on this show because we always have so much fun. The last time you were on, it was the biggest panel we've ever had, like five people, plus appearances by Gary Falcon, who looks a lot like Nick Swartzen.

And Steve-O did a minute. It was like a crazy, crazy episode. Dave Attell was here. Yeah, Dave Attell, the Goat. And the time before that, I just reminded you, is when Hans Kim got fucked in a janitor's closet.

That's right, and nobody had heard of him back then, so it was really just the Asian charm working. Yeah, yep, he was brand new, I'm sorry.

Quick follow-up question to that, like, he fucked a chick? Yeah, all right. If you're not aware of the story and you say he got fucked in a janitor's closet. It just sounds like something way more interesting happened than that.

Well, if you know Hans, it's really he's not a very, he's not the fucking type.

He's expecting the pushback. He's not really. He's a sweet boy. He's a sweet boy. We're going to find out more about him in just a second. But you guys know how this show works.

You've both been on multiple times. I've been told 197 people exactly signed up for tonight's show. There's a ton more names than even this in the bucket. I mean, it really, it goes on and on, I mean, you can't even really. Okay, there's one.

But anyway, I pull a name out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds, you know, their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear, which just interrupts their set if they've gone over their time. And that's how it works.

Then it's followed up by an interview, we find out more about them. The entire thing is improvised, anything can happen. Sometimes we find the absolute future of comedy on this show.

Sometimes it's absolutely insane, people that can't answer questions and the whole thing goes off the track, and sometimes both. That is true. Yeah, many of you are regulars.

Thank you so much Dave Smith. Just adding to it, Hey, jokes on you. I already got my hot meal, so I'm cool, all right. So I'm pre-pulling a name here.

There's our first bucket pull, and while we go, wrangle that person from the bar next door. What do you think? Should we start the show with something special tonight? Huh? I mean, there's only one way to start a show like this, really. And it is with the man who was made a regular two and a half years ago. Boy, oh boy, how time fucking flies.

And now he's headlining all over the world. How many of you are big fans of the show? So maybe you guys know the words to this song you guys want to sing.

This is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim hey.

What's up guys? Good to be here. Love how cold it is right now because now we all have Asian dicks.

I love how Texans never honk. They'll be like, why would I honk at this guy just because he's texting at a green light? That's what my gun is for.

It kind of scares me when I tell Texans that I bought a gun for the first time, they're, like, good.

Let the games begin.

I went back to Seattle recently, very tough to be from Seattle, my hometown, because all of my friends have transitioned. And now I have to remember two sets of names.

All right, that should be about 60 seconds, right? all right, yeah, 55 seconds from Hans Kim.

Cold Asian dicks checks out Absolutely, the honking thing is a weird thing here in Texas. That is a thing. I remember when I first got here, I was doing something.

I was at a hotel or something and somebody wouldn't move, I was dropping somebody off and a car wouldn't move. And I go, beep, beep. Exactly, that's the horn on my car. Thank you, Red band.

This show is so stupid. There you go, Okay, thank you. Yes, that's my Corvette engine and my horn, so I start the car and it goes, and then I go, all right.

And some lady was like, we don't honk here in Texas, and I'm like, what? And I didn't know how to respond to that, but I realized since then, people really don't honk. Do you guys know about this?

This fucking guy said, Yeah, quick was that you, you born and raised in Texas. Why do you think that is that it's a Texas thing not to honk?

Courtesy, courtesy. what a bunch of homos, Jesus courtesy. How about you? Curtis, Curtis Lee? Get the fuck out of my way, Curtis Lee, Curtis Lee, what the fuck? Oh shit, marijuana.

You ever heard of something so crazy? No honking, No, it sounds gay. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It sounds like the only time you really hear the horn is coming off the guy's forehead when he's going down on you. That is true.

You know what that sounds like? It's right, okay, that is all right. So Hans, how's it going? What else is going on with you?

I'm doing good, you know? I fucked a stripper in a broom closet. that is true back in the day, the rumor is you got fucked by a stripper in a broom closet.

Yeah, can you explain so that Dave understands what it's like having sex with Hans? Because Greg said that you got fucked? And I kind of agree with that. Can you explain that? Yeah, well, I agree with Dave as well. I did not consent for a lot of it.

She was very forceful, she was like, this is going to happen. And there's a guy that can watch us while we're doing it too. And I was like, I'm good on the guy. Yeah, they say you never forget the first time you get pegged.

No, don't be judgmental.

Yeah, there you go, honking of the horn. So I didn't. I don't think I remember that part. She invited a guy to come into the broom closet with you, it was her boyfriend.

That's a lot. That's a tight squeeze. Not her vagina, but the closet. Anybody that would fuck you? It's probably like throwing a fucking ramen noodle into a bowl, you know what I mean? A lot of extra space there.

What is your dick to vagina ratio? Hans, I've never, I don't think I've asked you that I have one dick and I'm a huge pussy. There you go, there you go.

Perfect.

I love it. What else is going on? Enough about the past? What about this week? Hans? I went to the Renaissance Festival with my girlfriend.

For those of you that don't know, there is an awesome human being that comes to every show and it's fun to hear what he laughs at. It's not necessarily punchline type of stuff, but our friend chief here. When you said I went to a Renaissance Festival, he just started cracking up. It's like he can foresee what's about to happen. Tell us more about you at this Renaissance festival, Hans, how did you fit in?

I've never seen an Asian person at a I've never gone to a Renaissance Festival, but I've never imagined an Asian person being there. What are you doing there? are you just dressed up like Genghis Khan or something like that, just mauling people? What's happening?

I was just trying to fit in, you know, wearing my Western clothing, my peasant European white passing clothes.

I had a great time, drank a lot of mead. They have straws in mead. I was just sipping it and then I got really fucked up on the white man's juice.

Back to the broom closet, we go.

The white man's juice What would the Asian man's juice be? Probably sake or soju, or maybe even, just like, you know, Ox milk, soju is that what soju? What is that? is that when somebody doesn't leave a tip at a restaurant?

Hey, hey hey, Tony's first soju joke everybody, soju, soju.

Five percent soju.

That's really sake.

What was the third one? Ox juice? What did you say? Ox milk, Ox milk, Ox milk? What the fuck is Ox milk?

The milk of an ox.

I think that's bull sperm, isn't it? I've been milking the males on accident. How do you milk an ox? Can you show us how you milk an ox? You're Asian?

Oh, Jesus Christ, Holy shit Hansi boy. My dear dear Hans, Kim is a wild animal. How's your relationship going? My girlfriend is great.

She is, you know, starting fewer fights with me now, like, what was like a. I know we never plan any of these interviews, so I don't want to get you in trouble. But can you give us an example of what a fight was this week?

Well, um.

Maybe he was bringing her to a Renaissance fair where they're known to rape the women.

I was actually on this show. I actually said that I wanted to have a threesome with her friend and she really didn't think that was a cool thing to say.

Right, that'll do it. Yeah, yeah. So like, did it last long?

Do your fights last long? Do you solve them quickly? We solve them pretty quickly. I usually try to end it with a little sex, I feel like that helps.

That's true, that's true. Okay, you guys have a lot of sex, am I correct?

Yeah, we had a lot of sex, but like, I took her to Tacoma this weekend and we didn't really have that much sex. We only had one and a half sex. Oh, one and a half sex. Explain to us and the people listening around the world what counts for half a sex?

That's when I cuddle her and then with this hand, I jerk off onto her.

Ooh, the old cuddle and puddle, the old fucking, the old fucking ox milk over here, the old fucking....

The old fucking.

All right, guys.

HANS So much fun way to get tonight's show started. Is there anything I'm missing? Anything you want to say? I had a great time at the Renaissance Festival.

What did they let you in for free? They're like, just give us a shout-out, dude, you're good, come on in, come on in bro.

We need some promos at the Renaissance Festival, a shout-out to every Renaissance festival. You'll never hear that on like a black radio station, where they actually give shout-outs like yo, yo, yo. Shout-out to my fucking uncle. Charles Charles and the Renaissance Festival on Martin Luther King Drive. Did you do stand-up at the festival?

No, I was just a peasant. Oh, just walking around, you weren't?

The court jester No. I wish that was some white guy, yeah.

Amazing. Was there a court jester? Yeah, there was a whole show, they were swallowing swords and, you know, doing all that stuff. Ah, enough about your girlfriend.

It's nice, all right, we love you. Hans way to get it started, There he goes.

Thank you, Tony. A new minute from the legendary regular Hans Kim.

Okay, here we go, let's keep it moving. Here it's another name.

And so we go to the bucket. I mean, this is where shit gets crazy, this is where anything can happen. Maybe it's you, I think you guys get it.

You're all fans of the show, right? All right, we'll try to whisper in the person's ear next to you. Catch them up. This is where things are a little bit off the rails.

Make some noise for the kill Tony debut a minute, one minute, uninterrupted, going to Zach Vandergrift, everybody, Zach Vandergrift, and here we go.

What's happening? Comedy mothership?

Not energetic at all, all, right, this lady? Nice to be here. Just got back from hunting.

Very nice, all right, no hunters here. Okay, I'm just trying to meet a lady, you know? a lady that'll rub my back and I'll wipe off hers.

I like a good joke. I am trying to hit her off with a lady. Last time I hit her off with a lady was at our friend's funeral. And not to brag, but his casket was the only thing that closed.

R.

I.

P.

Man, I'm here in middle school. They try to guess my race, you know, they deserve that, they deserve these jokes.

Try to guess my race, they go, Are you mainly Mexican or mainly Middle Eastern? I'm mainly Caucasian, okay?

Hispanic and Native American, they go, Native American, what tribe, these surviving ones?

What do you want me to say? Windstar 20 Hard Rock Casino.

Zach VaNDerGrift All right, yes, Sir. An interesting minute. How long have you been doing standup?

Two years in February throughout the week, Two years in February throughout the week. What does that mean to you? Just more than once a week? Have you ever done a standup outside of the week?

I've done it.

No, not that I know of. No, well, yeah, everybody does it throughout the week. I'm interested to know why you threw that in there two years throughout the week.

Sometimes you've got to say things that other people can understand in different ways, and I didn't say it the right way. Too high brow for me, I notice that you keep doing that, you keep saying too high brow, this and that. Oh, you guys have low energy.

I've been hunting, whoa, no hunting fans. You're surprised that people aren't reacting to things that they shouldn't react to. That's very true, that's very true.

Do you do that a lot? I try to get a reaction out of my dad all the time and he does not.

It kind of worked. It's a little bit you and your dad don't have a relationship. No, we have a great relationship. But I don't have a great relationship with my mom. So I just say, Dad and throw my dad under the bus. What do you mean?

Weird choice. BRIAN Yeah, it is nice, it's a little bit trigger happy. My mom left and came back twice, so that's the kind of relationship we have. But I love my mom, I love everybody in my family.

I don't care if you hate her. All right, all right, we're not your fucking therapists. Jesus Christ, Jesus.

Holy shit, God damn. What made her come back? If I was your mom, I would have stayed gone, I know, but she brought a stepdad back the first time.

I guess she's trying to show off or something I don't know. Was this sometime throughout the week? Yeah, this is when I learned when a week was, yeah, right?

I started to learn after you left, how old are you? 24 now? Where are you from Fort Worth?

Fort Worth Born and raised, born and raised, North Shore hills. You still live there, still live there.

What do you do for work during the week? Okay, well, I mean, during the week.

I work at a post. Holy shit. No, wait, pause for laughter. I know you don't know what that is, but when they laugh, you got to let them laugh.

Absolutely, it's something you're not used to, but you accidentally said something funny there, yeah, during the week.

I mean, it's unbelievable. I don't know if that's just Fort Worth or you're just straight up retardation. I mean, that was fucking incredible. Yeah, it wasn't on purpose.

No, not at all. Wow, wow, that's incredible.

But to answer your question, I work at a call center and then on Saturdays I change tires. Oh, okay, yeppers, all right. why do you only work one day a week changing tires?

Because I got a better job at a call center, and I still love the job. Telling jokes in the back with the boys versus an office, right? Absolutely, on Saturdays, you're tire changer.

Right, so you're tiring? Yeah, tiring. That's what I thought when I first heard your jokes.

I'm like, this guy is tiring, and now to find out that you're tiring as well, it's incredible, double tiring. I'm tired of you.

Damn damn hell yeah. okay.

Tell us something interesting about your life. Zach Vandergrift Your name does not match your look at all, not at all. Vandergrift is a known name at DFW, Vandergrift, Honda and the dealership and all this stuff.

And they always ask me if I'm related and I got to break the news to them. I'm a little too brown for the vandergrifts over there, and so there's not, you know, something interesting about my life here, you know?

But my.

I don't know, my dad owns a club, and so he's a swinger and owns a swinger club, ooh.

And so I thought that was normal and then found out that's not normal, right? Moms, don't go and come back and then leave, yeah.

And then, yeah, that's my stepmom and my dad, yeah, what, I have a stepmom, okay?

Yeah, so your dad has a full-time lady, full-time lady, then I'm assuming side ladies as well, yes.

Throughout his career, your dad sounds awesome. Yeah, I guess. The apple falls pretty far from the tree here, the pineapple.

Pineapple, there you go. Even he is making fun of what you're saying over here. Shout out to club Eden, All right.

Club Eden Yeah, wow, so does your mom bring her new guy to that club to swing? Good question.

My mom, she does not have a stepdad. Oh, Jesus Christ, my God, it is unbelievable. Holy shit.

And that's in Fort Worth, too. Your dad's club, My dad's club is in Oklahoma City, Fort Worth, and San Antonio. Whoa, he's got a chain, wow.

Yeah, dude, I feel like I'm watching a movie where I have to lean into the person I came with and go. Are you following what's happening there? Is that the same guy from the bank? Heist? No, I think we'll find out later. It doesn't make sense right now.

I'm sure they're going to tie it all together here. And you have to lean in and a little back to let the people out of the aisle that are leaving the movie.

Amazing Zach Vandergriff This is really, really incredible and it's called Club Eden, Eden, Club Eden.

Okay, well, you were Eden-ed on stage today. Yeah, I did. That was pretty incredible. Yeah, dude.

Worse than my hunting trip. What's the what do you did you do like, is that a good minute? Do you have a better joke than any of the ones that you did here? Or are you like, I'm going to try some new stuff? On Kill time? That was going to be more of the better half, the better minute there.

And then I said, So I was thinking of doing some other things. And now I, you know, going to go back home and take a hard look in the mirror. Here with a joke book, a forward look, yeah.

Absolutely, yeah, you died harder than your friend in that joke earlier. Yeah, I did, dude, R..I.P man, yeah.

I don't think the mirror is what you need to look at. I think a pen and paper might actually be better than a mirror, for sure. Absolutely incredible. You're a good looking guy, though.

What's your love life like? Non-existent wow wow. Women really do look for personality.

It's incredible, I guess. So, yeah, I gotta, you're a good looking guy.

Like, if someone looked like that and was funny, like you could fuck the world, definitely, I got no confidence to fuck the world. That is incredible, yeah.

Like, last time you hooked up with a chick, what was that like? Thanksgiving Eve? Wait a second, that's like, tomorrow, what are you talking about?

Yeah, that's tomorrow. Holy shit, we got Mexican and, you know, the arcade games and stuff.

We went to a bar and then, you know, okay, dude, that makes total sense, but what you said to us was Mexicans and the arcade stuff.

Yeah, how were we supposed to deduce from that what that could possibly mean? Yeah, absolutely correct, absolutely.

That's probably how my dates go, and they're not nice enough to tell me what I'm doing wrong, dude. For the record, I agree with Tony. I think this guy could get tons of pussy if he wanted to.

And I think it was wrong what you guys did on Israel, but I do think that it's true. It's true. I think you could get laid all the time, dude.

You just need confidence. I have a question about that, How come Israel just didn't take over? No, no, no, no, no, no, there's no questions from you, my friend.

Sorry, so you ended up going to the arcade with this. I got a question back for you. How did that whole country get founded? What's the history of that?

That was bad on my part, horrible. First date questions. So before I let you go, I want to know how did the arcade lead to you getting laid? So you want to, What were you?...?

How does that happen? It's funny because your mom was like, I've got to pack, man.

And then she left you.

Gotcha pack, man, and then packed away. There it is.

Right when you think I'm bombing, I fucking sneak away. I just hit a bar afterwards and then from the bar, I asked if you want to go back to my place from the bar, which is my grandma.

It's not really my place, right? Yeah, yeah, this is enough. Zach VaNDerGrift I'm going to give you a little joke book, though.

You could write something in it on your long drive back to Fort Worth. Thank you. There he goes, everybody. Zach Vandergrift The Kill Tony debut of Zach Vandergrift and back to the bucket, we go.

Hey guys, what you're listening to? Currently? This is a commercial promoting the Pete and Sebastian show. This podcast chronicles the life of Pete Correale, comedian, writer, actor and myself. Sebastian Maniscalco. What are your credentials? Fucking Dinero movies?

My credentials are this cast, it's a show like no other. Yes, we do have amazing banter together, but you know what we just implemented right now? We implemented guests such as, Yeah, we had Freaking Jay Leno, Bill Burr, The Great Andy Garcia, Jake Johnson.

I mean, come on, the list goes on and on, it's going to continue, going on, on and on. This is cutting edge comedy.

Coming direct to you in your headphones, we will see you there. Thanks for listening to the Pete and Sebastian show. This is the real deal here tonight. Greg. We're in the storm.

Make some noise for Talha Usman. everybody, Talha Usman is next on Kill Tony.

Come on one more time for Talha, everybody.

There's a guy at work.

He's trying to convert me to Christianity.

Dude got me two books, he got me a Bible.

And then the second one read Seeking Allah but finding Jesus.

It was really awkward, I had to explain to the guy that I'm a Hindu.

Which really I'm not.

But I wanted to see if he would go back and get another book.

That's my time, thanks, wow.

Okay, you spent all your time doing that Allah joke. That's incredible. That was amazing, very, very slow.

Do you normally start that slow? Generally? yes, why? It just kind of gives us the time to settle down a little bit, okay?

More like Hin-don't take a second.

Yeah, that was absolutely incredible. So how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for three years, three years.

Where at first year in Dallas and then the rest of the year.

What's the rest? The rest in Austin? You said, Wait, three years, three years.

First in Dallas. Gotcha, Okay, and what do you do for a living? What call center do you work at?

It's very weird because the last guy looks like he would work in a call center, and I bet your job is something that the last guy looks like he would do. Am I correct? What do you do?

I do cold calling, you really do. I really do. Oh my goodness. When people answer the phone, is there like a 30-second pause before you say anything?

Wow, that is so you. yeah, that is you. That is like everything that your people do. That's all we do.

Do you sometimes give people physicals and doctor check-ups or anything like that? I refer them to the right people, right? Okay?

So what ethnicity are you? exactly? I'm Pakistani? What is that? I'm Pakistani, Pakistani?

Pakistani is what white people call it, but you call it pak, pak, like Tupac, like Tupac Tupacistani.

Yeah.

Okay, that sounds cool. Yeah, it sounds cooler. Have you ever thought about calling it Tupacistani? Ha ha ha?

Well, there's the two of us, ha ha ha.

All right.

Talha What do you like to do for fun? Tell us more about your life? Yeah, so I like to do this for fun. sure, I like to stand up for fun.

We got that part knocked out. You can see the joy on your face.

And then, on the weekends, I like to go out and talk to strangers.

While they're out of their mind and I'm just like, what's going on with you? You just walk up to strangers and you say that. I don't say that, I just say hello, like a cold call.

Where at? where do you do this at? You know, we're at West 6th, East 6th, wherever, so on 6th Street, you walk around and you go, What's going on with you? what's going on with you?

Does that work for the most part? No.

And it works sometimes, like the percentage is fairly low, but it has worked. You seem like you would know the exact percentage. what is that percentage?

Yeah, so I've been doing this for a couple of years now, maybe two, two and a half, and then I think I've had about two or three successes here.

Okay, okay, okay, wait, hold on, I'm sorry. What's a success? success is you approach someone, you talk, you like them, you get their number.

Did you say court? Someone approach someone? Oh, okay, maybe that too. And then eventually, you know, they hang out with you, and then eventually she invites you back to her place and it's a good situation.

Invites you back to her place. Is that what you just said? Wow, what's your living situation where you wouldn't take them back to their place? What type of dwelling do you live in?

Yeah, so I got my own place now, that's a good situation. I got a little studio, but before this I was with my family.

Is it underneath a hospital? is it?

Dude, I swear to God. When he walked on stage, I went, I fucking burned my Hamas joke on the last guy. I knew I should have held it in the can. Yeah, yeah, it is incredible. By the way, with that shirt, if I squint really hard, will I see Ringo Starr's face or something?

It's a magic shirt.

Yeah, that is an incredible, incredible shirt. Where do you get? or do you do your own styling? Yes, I do my own styling. Where did you get something like that from? Where do you get that from?

Yeah, so actually, I got this from Sweden. a friend gifted it to me, so yeah, that's where I got this from. Where did you meet this friend? I met this friend in college when I started doing the random people thing, you know, when I would go approach.

I told him the first time I did it, What's up with you? Yeah, right, yeah.

Okay, do you have any special moves in the bedroom that you do when this all goes perfectly well for you? No, no, generally my special move is just to pretend like I didn't. D He's straight.

What the fuck are you plugging your ears for? You can't just pick and choose.

You're homophobic, goddammit, your character is that you're homophobic.

D is an interesting, interesting character. Visual people are very interesting, too. Oh shit, he just called us the V word, everybody, the visual people, oh my goodness.

What type of hatred did you hear? The hatred behind that? Did he just coin us cisgenders of fucking seeing? And, by the way, when he plugs his ears, that's the equivalent to one of you plugging your ears and closing your eyes at the same time.

He's like a nose plug away from having no fucking idea.

How'd you know I was turned around? You turn around? That's fucking crazy. Have you been fooling us this whole fucking time? You think I'm turned around right now?

Usman.

Wait, what's your first name? Talha? Talha Usman? Maybe go with the first name, it's a little easier. Yeah, I think I would go with the first name on that.

And what is it again?

It's Talha, Usman, Usman, Jesus Christ, what the fuck was that?

You don't hear it, Talhead, you don't hear Talhead, Usman.

It's Talha, come on.

It's sitting right there, it's waiting. I can't believe I didn't fucking think of that, especially. I'm not even in 8th grade anymore and I saw it.

My nickname was Taliban.

That makes sense. That was hot at the time.

There's Al-Qaeda names we could call you.

All right, you're leaving with a little joke book There you go, my friend Talha Usman. Ladies and gentlemen.

We're going to do something special here before we go to our regular, we're going to do something real special here. This is a very, very exciting moment because we have a golden ticket winner that's here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. This might be, in my very humble opinion, one of the greatest Golden ticket winners in the history of the show. This will mark his third ever appearance on the show and his second ever as a scheduled Golden ticket winner.

I do believe you are watching the future when I introduce to you, 21-year-old Heath Cordis. Ladies and gentlemen.

I just got off tour this weekend with Tony. Yeah, it was fun, could have been better.

Told me we were going to Disney World, but it's fine.

Took me on a private plane too, and I think I prefer Delta.

The jet was nice, but I would have liked to coach more than flying in Tony's carry-on.

When we got to our hotel, it didn't take more than 30 minutes until some creep was hitting on me with a belt.

While he squeezed my nutsack until I said, Uncle.

It was my idea, actually.

Thank you guys.

You're the man, fuck yeah. Heath was a very last-minute addition to the show, I think. I found out on Wednesday that William, who had an operation on his skin cancer last week, had a little bit of a problem. Had to go back under the knife, wasn't able to make the weekend and I tried to figure out who would be a great, perfect replacement for him.

And I figured, why not give the new guy a short set to get things started? And Heath absolutely took the ball and fucking ran with it. Three sold-out theaters, two in San Diego, one in the round in Phoenix, Arizona.

Constant improvement each show more comfortable, more relaxed. And he's a fucking grower, believe it or not, yeah.

Amazing stuff, yeah. Growing is also when you get better at something, not just fatter or taller or anything like that.

Red Band's like, What, what's growing?

Yeah, fucking amazing adjustments were made, moved the closer to the opener took his time. It was actually incredible to watch. It's fun to bring people with you that listen and can fucking make the adjustments and you get to watch them.

Have that kind of fun first show to third show. Tell the people what I'm talking about. Can you kind of explain in your own words? Yeah, it started off pretty strong every single time, but those first two shows it always ended weak and by the third one it was all the way up, baby.

That's right, that's right, and you give him some advice though, yeah, and he took the advice and went with it, that's it.

The advice went well. Tony gets it, yep, and what else? What were some other highlights of the trip for you?

He taught me how to make a girl squirt on the plane. That's right, that's right, Papa Tony, out here doing the fucking Lord's work.

That's right, the ladies are clapping, that's right. Would you like to show everybody what I did?

Like this.

And then you speed it up, yeah.

You're going to have to go faster than that, son.

Still working on it. The general technique was right, but we got some squirt music going here. Hey, there you go.

There you go, that's right, the old Tickle me Elmo.

Sesame squirt everybody, how adorable this is the most. This is the cutest episode of Blue's Clues I've ever seen. How do we make someone squirt?

Wow, that is hilarious. That could be your new gang sign or something like that. The fucking what's up, yeah.

Keith Curtis represent, That's right. Raise the roof, the old top of the morning to you, yeah.

The old fucking.

All right.

What else stood out to you this weekend? Keith Big-ass grown-up fucking gigs. Yeah, I got to sleep in a king-size bed, that was cool, I didn't need any of it.

That is amazing. You were in king-size rooms, really nice hotels. Did you do anything weird in the hotels?

Nothing particularly weird, but I did the normal and I whacked off, Hell yeah, I picture you doing some home alone 2-style shit where you throw on the robe and some fucking slippers. Start ordering too much ice cream at the end of the night. I don't know why I pictured you fucking misbehaving out there. I'm a good boy, Tony.

You know that Trump made a cameo for some reason, yeah.

Tell me you used the big bath towel just as a fuck-you to the staff? No, I never did. I didn't even think about it. I dipped into the candies and stuff, I got all the candy.

Oh, where was their candy at? Oh, in the things in the hotel. Yeah, well, I'm going to be getting that call from my business manager. Thank you, Tony.

Didn't really tell you you could do that, but that's okay. Yeah, have you told him about moving items off that thing that, like, counts the prices? Yeah, it's all good. You're a naughty little boy, aren't you?

Yeah, you're kind of a little misbehavior, huh? I take you on private jets, I get you fancy hotel rooms, but that's just not enough. Is it? Just had to get some candy? This is like Adam and Eve over here.

I'm sorry, Tony, if Adam was the size of an atom.

Stupid got him heath. What else anything else we should know about? You're a fucking cold-blooded assassin.

No, nothing I can think of you absolutely killed dude. It's fucking incredible and it's so much fun to be on the road with people that are appreciative and gracious and having a fucking blast and wowed by everything. And we're definitely going to do a lot more of those. Hell yeah, you surprised me with how great you did, so I'm very excited.

Make some noise for him. Golden ticket winner Heath Cordis. Ladies and gentlemen, yeah. And now, with no hesitation, aw some home alone music.

Da, da, da.

Hey.

Christmas is right around the corner. Everybody. Wow, it's a what's the guy say? what's the bird?

It's a fucking.

Hey Tony, before you call this, what's the thing from the toy store? It's a turtle dove. Keep playing.

Play the fucking music. That's a turtle dove, and if you have the other half of a turtle dove, that means you have a best friend for life.

I used the bidet for the first time.

I didn't like it.

Fuck you with that goddamn water, nigga. I was taking the shit right, I had fresh shit. I was trying to use the bidet and I couldn't figure out the buttons on it. So I was just doing this for a minute and then water just started shooting in my ass.

And it didn't stop for two minutes and I couldn't just get up and let the water go everywhere. It was going to fuck up the bathroom, so the toilet molested me.

I toilets that was like, nigga take the water, nigga take the water.

Unbelievable.

Was this the bidet in the green room up there? No, you told me I can't shit in there ever again.

I saw fucking water. It was today.

That is so funny, it's crazy that you could take material and just fucking be doing it in front of whatever. However, a million people are going to end up seeing this. But right before we came down to start the show, I went pee and for the first time ever. And there is, there's a fucking. It's a Joe Rogan-strength bidet, by the way, to let you know this is his club and that is his bidet.

There's literally a button called defecate, which is like red, it's red, and it has a red X over it. For some reason, that one was scary, that one was terrifying.

I'm not even kidding. There's a button called defecate, which I don't have on my bidet at all. It's like a fucking Rogan-strength bidet. And anyway, but there's like, there's a wall right across from the toilet.

It's so real, like this is all fucking I never. It's like Joe needs a spitting bat kick to the asshole.

And here we go, the start of the fifth round.

Holy shit, but anyway, there's literally a fucking puddle. And I thought to myself, because I'm like, I look at this place as my home, too. I thought to myself, I'm like, man, I need to mention to somebody that that needs to be cleaned up. Because I don't want the fucking kill Tony crew being blamed for anything. And to find out that it's you and you're just out here, confessing it to the world.

Not only did you take it, but you fucking you turned it straight into material. I saw your fucking butt puddle up there. The toilet tried to touch me. Man, that shit was crazy. That is hilarious.

That shit was fucked up, man. A forced molestation by Rogan's toilet. That is absolutely incredible in comedy Mothership Court, you can go, okay. Listen, in my client's defense, the bit was hilarious, so I was gonna say it worked.

So you were trying to get up and that's how that water got there, and you're like, Fuck yeah, I realized I can't get up or it's gonna go everywhere else. So I had to sit there and just take the water in my ass for a minute because the bidet wouldn't fucking stop. It just kept fucking...

Why'd it go for that long, bro? Oh yeah.

Next time you do it, you have to relax. It's like a cold plunge or something like that. Like, if you tighten up, you're just wasting everything. You have to relax and really let it just fucking. You have to let it go up there.

You have to fucking let it happen, you wouldn't say that Tony, you have to let it breathe. Oh, it's amazing.

I'm a huge bidet guy, huge, it's what goes up my ass. A lot of people have wondered, is it dicks? is it fingers?

It's water, that's it, the secret to life, water we're made of it.

The earth is made of it straight up my ass, I love it, can't get enough of it. In fact, I was telling my crew earlier because, you know, we just got back from the road yesterday. And my favorite thing when I get back on the road is going to my fucking toilet and pressing fucking buttons.

Buttons are scary, them scary buttons. You could take a second shit you don't know about the second shit you got scared.

You got scared, you thought it was gay, you thought it was gay. shit touched me. it toucheded you.

It tested me, though. Oh my God, the toilet tested me. You were touched by an angel.

Water is life, my friend. It usually jiggles a second shit, like, if you keep it going, I can't even imagine how many shits Red Band can take. It gets the corners, yeah.

Corners He has an octagon for an asshole.

I had a cold water bidet that one's probably got the heat on it. Yeah, I didn't try to press that button. I think it was like, lukewarm or some shit.

Lukewarm's good, you know, when it's cold. I disagree. My asshole's pretty hot after a good dump, and I like the cold water. It's like getting acerated by a popsicle.

It just cools everything down. I enjoy that. When I said, I woke up, I don't see, I had. At one point, when I got my new place, there wasn't an electrical outlet in that area, so I had to have a cold bidet for a while. And every time I did it, I was like one of the villains from home alone, where I'm just sitting there, like.

I still let it happen, but it shocked me every time.

It was crazy every time, there was no getting used to it.

Home Alone references Yeah, do that shit, it never gets old.

All right, great stuff brought to you by Screwball, peanut butter, whiskey.

Cam Anything else we need to talk about? You had your first jet rides this weekend? Yeah, this nigga just farted in my ear, you know?

The old deemer squeamer over there. Nah, that shit was crazy, but I really enjoyed that shit, bro. that shit was dope. I was talking to all my homeboys like, Nigga, we should buy one of these and do legal things with it. That is so interestingly urban of you to be ready to buy a private jet.

Already, you're like, I've opened up nine theaters. Time to go Habsies on a jet.

See how I called it, I was talking for the future.

We're going to do legal things with it because there's no TSA there, that's right, absolutely 100 legal things, 100%.

Totally legal, 100 legal things. No one's checking for anything, nothing at all at all.

At all, you walk straight through that with 12 pounds of whatever you want, that's right, 12 pounds, I know, because I carried heath in my fucking...

I'm sorry, I'm just trying to get this straight. Your plan is to get so successful that you can buy a private jet and then start selling drugs. I didn't say that at all.

For the record, you didn't say that, I said nothing like that.

Very good.

He's getting too close to me, let him go.

Not guilty. Thank you so much, I love it, absolutely amazing, unbelievable.

From having an incident up in the restroom to bringing it on stage in another fantastic interview, the great and powerful My mama here, What's up, mama? Oh yeah.

That's right.

She's the best. We got her up on the fucking super duper VIP balcony up there. And all moms care about is that you wash your ass, right? That's right, goddamn right.

Hell yeah, and don't be gay, don't be gay 100 well, you can be gay.

I love gay people, I'm Cam Patterson, that's right there, he goes, Cam Patterson.

On his way to buy a jet? The best, my man, the great the powerful.

Cam Patterson.

All night, alright, back to the bucket, we go, ladies and gentlemen. This looks like another new name.

Because then not only are you a piece of shit, but you're a failure, too.

I know I sound like a girl that might do eeny Meeny Miny moe to decide what kind of gas to put in my car.

And I do.

Today, I got diesel.

When I first started my period, I treated pads like diapers.

I know.

I thought we could just let anything go in them.

Thank you guys.

Fuck yeah, Layla Inglis. welcome to the show, Layla, that was great, thank you.

That was funny for a boy.

Mr. Obvious over here, moving his chair, Excuse me.

Just got a pee out of nowhere. fuck, got a pee. So about a year. Where at I started exactly a year ago in Austin.

Last November Oh, I'm sorry, I live in Ohio, I'm from Dayton, Ohio, Dayton, Ohio.

That's right, go Buckeyes, the new number one team in college football. Look, who's making a run for it in Michigan this week? Who's no longer allowed to steal signs? Isn't that incredible?

Got to talk our shit, it's so fun. What made you come to Austin to start and then go back to Dayton? Is that where you lived before? Yeah, I was born and raised in Dayton. But I was so scared to do it around people I knew. So I was like, If I come to Austin, I don't know anybody. So if I bomb, it doesn't matter.

Hell yeah, and now here you are on the most watched comedy show in the universe, so everybody in Dayton that has the internet can see it. Oh yeah, that's true. Yeah, good thing you just realized that now. Oh yeah, I did.

Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe. Between this or another open mic, Hell yeah.

Solid callback. Absolutely, you know, Tony, I could tell it's 64.9 degrees in this room right now.

It literally is 64.

9 degrees in the room. I was on at Vulcan when you guys were at Vulcan and I wore the same tank top, but blue. And he made a comment about my tits, Oh, that's hilarious. I didn't even know what you were referencing, by the way, I'm so used to you just fucking bombing that I didn't even know you were mentioning her nipples.

You are a blatant sexual harasser. Red Baron. I thought it was a shrinkage joke for him. And people always ask, if you're in Texas, why do you wear jackets and coats and whatnot? It's because we keep the studio cool, because fucking laughter and humidity builds up in here, so you have to. And we have an actual thermometer that we keep here all the time, and it literally is 64.9 degrees. You can confirm. I so didn't get Brian's comment that I thought she was being narcissistic when she made it all about her tits.

I was like, That's not what he was talking about. She's a smart chick, she knows what's up, That's right, I sound really smart, too.

Yeah, absolutely so. Layla, what do you do for a living in Dayton? What keeps you in Dayton, Ohio? I work at the Dayton Funny Bone.

Wow, what do you do there? I serve? Okay, I'm a server.

Thank you for your service laughter.

Thank you.

My brother got a house here, you what? My brother got a house here so I could live with him, but I don't know. A lot has been happening in Ohio.

I know Austin is so much cooler than Ohio. But like, I'm getting a lot of opportunity out there. Well, don't you think you would get a lot of opportunity where there's more opportunities?

Dayton is actually one of the worst places in Ohio. It is. It's horrible. Yes, it really is.

A lot of people don't know this. People think Ohio's like a farm city because it sounds like Iowa, and shit. It's like people get it confused. Ohio has a lot of major cities and one of the worst ones, maybe the seventh or eighth best one, is Dayton, Yeah.

I'm the only other girl that does comedy there, right? There's two of us, right? Absolutely.

Dude, I mean, look, I thought you were great tonight. But if you're telling me in an entire city there's two female comedians, the odds that one of them would be funny is so low.

And the fact that you are funny is pretty incredible. Yeah, no, I'm just saying, I'm sure you guys don't know about the odds of female comedians being funny.

No, that's exactly what I was thinking. These opportunities that you're getting do. They tend to be mostly from male comedians that want to hang out with you.

Well, I like to think it's not, but I guess it probably is. Well, I mean, you're funny, so we got that out of the way. At least you have one funny minute. We know that, for sure, but.

I'm asking you, when you get the things that they offer you these opportunities, do they tend to make a move on you? In some kind of way? Yes, I've learned that if comics ask, Hey, do you want to write? it means hey, do you want to fuck? That is correct.

Amateurs. No one just wants to randomly write with people. That also applies to every question a dude asks.

It's not just writing, and in any industry exactly. If you work at a gas station and someone's like, Hey, do you want to drink coffee and talk about stuff tomorrow? They don't really want to talk to you, they want to do things with you.

Because boys and girls, they do things that would happen here, too, right? yeah, that would happen. On top of other things, there's just no escaping it, I guess.

That's true, you could buy a coat.

Yeah, that is true. That is indeed. That's how Redman covers up his tits.

Very easy. I did it to see if you would make a comment about it, you did. That's incredible. Lawsuit incoming.

I'm gay. There you go, Layla. I want to know more about you, tell us some interesting, fun facts about your life or anything like that. I have weird talents.

I can talk with my mouth closed, it's not like ventriloquism, my cheeks get puffy. Let's see it.

Okay, I've never done it into a microphone, so hopefully it's okay, hey guys.

I've been trying to make a bit about it, I'm not sure exactly how to work it out, though. Can I just hear you say, don't come in my mouth while you do it? Yeah, we can meet at a coffee shop and write about it.

Okay.

All right, yeah. It'll be Red Band's first time writing in eight years, so it's going to be pretty exciting. Can you actually write with Red Band? Please? It'll be good for them.

LAYla What else other than the talking with the mouth full of cheeks thing? What else are you into? What do you do for fun? I like to frolic outside. Ah, okay.

Kind of a hippie, yeah, you smoke a lot of pot, yeah, but never before stand-up. I can't remember any of my jokes.

If I do right, I only tried it one time and I was like, I'm not as quick, so I don't do it before. Stand-up Yeah, okay.

Have you thought about doing other things in order to make enough money to get out of Dayton, Ohio? Yeah, I actually saved up a couple thousand to move here, but then just so much opportunity in Dayton. What type of opportunities are you fucking talking about? Just so many guys want to write with her, Tony.

Yeah, what are these opportunities? Well, I actually just got hired to be on a little sketch comedy show, okay, is it called Saturday Night Live?

No, right, so what the fuck are you talking about? What little sketch comedy show is being filmed in Dayton, Ohio? It's called slapstick comedy. It's actually out of Columbus, Ohio.

Yeah, no one knows about it. We're getting closer to Cleveland. There you go, very good. Thank you Red Band for the pointless sound effect.

Thank you, look up the fucking thing. Jesus Christ. Slapstick comedy in Columbus, Ohio. I don't think they have anything out yet.

So what are you?

Do you realize this is like the writing thing, right? Okay, I guess you got me. They're going to slap their stick against you is what's happening.

Yeah, come do some sketch with us. It's a slapstick, it's a red band. Pull up the fucking thing.

I'm afraid, I'm afraid to move. You got me all right. What are you scared of?

Well, I'm afraid, because it's going really well in Ohio, I'm afraid. Oh my god, all right. So here's the first step.

Listen, it's not going that good in Ohio, all right, it's really not okay. I'll stop saying that. I'm afraid if I come here, maybe it won't go well.

But I can't let fear get in my way, I guess.

That's not the thing, that's not the right thing is that it can you see that? Go back to the fucking main page red band.

Is that the thing? Yeah, Misha. Oh, that's Misha. 91 views. One year ago, it is the promo video for slapstick comedy.

91 views in one year. All right, you know what, Tony, you're wrong, You're going to have to ride this thing out, yeah?

It's a no-brainer. You got to see where this is going. Absolutely absolutely Mo money eeny miny mo problems.

You know what I mean? It's an absolute no-brainer. This could be the gateway to doing improv in Toledo.