#660 - ELAINE + IAN EDWARDS

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Yoni, I didn't get the three that I had to write down. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh?

On the horns, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo.

Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Nick Lewis joining us on the bass, or, as I call him, C-Madness, because he can, C. Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, and our dear band leader, the great and powerful John Dees on the keys, who wrangles these people, finds the best musicians in this city for us to play with. So much fun. Truly, I always say this, but I fucking mean it, an action-packed show, loaded up and ready to go tonight. Some very special appearances by very special people.

It's all going to go down all at once. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

Well, well, well. This is one of those nights that will, I believe, live in Kill Tony history. Two unbelievable comedians, one of them I've been working with continuously for 17 years, a legend of the comedy store. One I just found here a few days ago, randomly. She was performing in The Little Boy, and I saw her set, and I fell in love.

We ended up drinking together all night, and she is one of my new favorite comedians in the world. This is her first time on panel at Kill Tony. I do believe, her first time ever on a podcast. So here are our guests. Make some noise for two of the greats.

Elaine and Ian Edwards, everybody. Elaine and Ian Edwards. There's, Elaine. Make some noise for Elaine, her first time on the show. Oh, a nail just fell off.

A nail. You lost a nail, Elaine. There you go. Who wants it? Come on.

There you go. This little Mexican boy wants it. There you go. How about one more time for Ian Edwards, ladies and gentlemen, one of the greats. This episode, brought to you by Skylight, Frame, and Game Time, by the way.

For those of you wondering who our amazing sponsors are, Ian Edwards. Welcome back, my friend. How's it going? It's good to be here, man. Absolutely.

This is a fun show to be at, sitting next to Elaine. I can smell how old she is. That's my pussy, which is the name of my documentary out on Hulu. That's my pussy, is the name of your documentary? Wow.

Should it have been something else, Tony? I mean, I felt a fish.

I will look into changing it. Okay. Red Band, nice to see you with your clothes on. I used to work at a massage parlor. Red Band would come in with his dick already out.

And let's just say he thinks the butthole is the G spot. Hit me. All right. Let's get it going.

Here we fucking go. Elaine has joined the fray. I'm very excited about this. Maybe you heard me give the audience our little intro last week, but we got drunk together. Turns out she's been doing stand-up comedy for exactly 50 years.

How about a hand for 50 years? Come on. I ain't dead yet. She's 74 years old. It started when she was 24 and I caught a set in The Little Boy.

Adam Egott, the booker of the club, was in the back of the room howling. She was talking about, what. was it? Your pussy? I think it was.

I do a few pussy jokes, but he really liked the way that I said the N word. Right. Right. I'm just kidding. I said the whole thing.

No, no. You could say it back in the day, but I love The Mothership, greatest club in the world. And this is as close as I'll ever get to superstardom. So here we go. I love it, Elaine.

This is your first time on Kill Tony, so you might not know that over 200 innocent souls signed up for tonight's show. Look at all those losers in there. Absolutely anything can happen. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds of stand-up comedy time uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And that cuts off their time. I interview them after that. Does that scare you a little bit? Let's just say some blood came out of... Yeah, it scared me.

Oh my goodness. But to get tonight's show started, I'm going to pre-pull a name. We'll grab that one too. I'll take that one. I'll trade you my nail for that.

We'll load them up. This looks great. And we'll get both of those people wrangled up from the bar across the street, the 6th Street Bar at Poor Choices, which is a real scummy bar, by the way. But we love them. We love scummy bars.

Vulcan Gas Company, Poor Choices, Sunset Strip Comedy Club. We love shitty 6th Street bars. Austin takes pride. More bars per capita than any other city.

It's incredible. Get $2 shots over at Poor Choices anytime you want. But while we wrangle those comedians, some of you may know that we have a new regular that starts the show. Oh, the lovely Heidi. Listen to the crowd.

pop for Heidi, everybody. It's happening. Kill Tony. fame affects everybody. To get tonight's show started, a fucking force of nature, ladies and gentlemen.

This guy's been filling in for the great Hans Kim for months while he prepares for his huge show at the Forum. The rematch between Hans Kim and Rick Diaz will be live streamed from the Forum. But filling in for him, the newest regular, an absolute sensation. This guy just did theater with me this weekend in San Jose. He crushes.

Let's see a brand new minute from the one and only Casey Rocket. Oh, thank you.

La princesa.

Okay.

That old chestnut. When are you going to get help? You know,

I'll tell you who needs help. The coal miners. But that's fucking Biden's America. You know what I mean? I just pop it.

One second. All right. I wish all drugs gave you flashbacks. You know, people always say that about LSD, that it gets stored in your bones or whatever, which is such a scary thing to tell someone on LSD, right? You know, like, what bones?

And whose bones? And I wish you could just be walking through the mall with your friends and just pop your hip, just get a ketamine flashback from Bonnaroo 2012.. You know, you're just, oh, so. they're called minions.

Yeah, it was fun. I squeezed too hard. I'm trying to do it right now. I know. Another amazing performance, Casey.

I loved the eyeballs. Very scary. Was anyone scared? Let's get a show of hands. Oh, there's a lot of hands up in the air, shockingly.

At a comedy show, you genuinely had people scared. Terrified. Cool, yeah. Terrified. Thank you.

She's gorgeous. Are you tired? Yes. You move around so quickly. I know.

It was just one minute, and I tensed too hard. One time, I used to do the Dutchman's Key. My favorite bit ever. Which is where I put a lead key in my mouth, and that's it.

He puts a key in his mouth and proceeds on with minutes and minutes and minutes of his act before coughing up the key. It's something you really got to see live, I guess, for it to translate how hilarious it is, but when he's in full action and moving around, you realize that he's had a key in his mouth. for a lot of the performance. The payoff is huge. Again, you remind me of one of my grandson's friends.

His name's Craig, and he also was missing some teeth.

And he also titty-fucked me upon meeting me. So play your cards right, Casey, and take this rocket ship to titty-fuck Galaxy, or wherever you want to go. You can go to an Applebee's.

Why am I blushing? It doesn't make any sense. Sounds like a personal problem.

When did this titty-fucking take place? Well, you know, back in, you know, everything's, well, it was about an hour ago, but it was,

no, it was, I don't know, 1975.

. People have been titty-fucking for years. Right, Ian? Yeah, yeah, that's what we do. Thanks, Ian.

Ian, have you seen Casey Rocket before? Shit, I still didn't see him. He was moving so fast.

Very fast, very fast. He is a squiggler. Are you, you take any substances? Totally clean. Really?

Yeah, I'm sober. I've been sober for many years, yeah. You feel like you're on an Adderall right now. No, no, no, just me. This, motherfucker's the human form of Adderall.

Yeah, that's what everybody thinks. Surprisingly, he's one of the only sober people in this venue right now. Now, is there a drug that you could be coerced into participating in? Like? if Joe Rogan came through here and was like, let's do bumps of coke off Elaine's tits, what would you do?

Good question. Sorry, that's a bad Joe Rogan impression, but.

What would you say, Casey? What would I say? And it happens like tonight, like it's like Monday night? Let's say I call him right now, and he, I don't have his number. Let's say Tony calls him, and he goes, yeah, what's up?

What's going on? Is there a bow and arrow down there? And he comes down.

And I go, yeah, there's a bow and arrow, but you gotta, the only way to get it is by doing coke off my tits with the newest Muppet.

I guess what I'm saying is, would you do coke with somebody if they asked you? Could you be peer pressured, Casey? We're all human beings. We could be peer pressured. If you guys wanted it.

really bad, I guess, yeah, I could. Does anybody have any cocaine? I didn't think you would actually say yes to that. Well, good for you. Straight edge is cool.

Yeah, yeah, it's punk, rock, rock and roll stuff. I got a lot. Casey is scared to death right now. I've never seen that. look in your eyes, exactly.

An unbelievable weekend on the road. We had so much goddamn fun. Casey is absolutely hilarious. in the green rooms, at the restaurants, at the coffee shops, at the airport. You're a bundle of positive energy.

I love you. Way to get tonight's show started. That's it. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it.

Hell, you rock it. The newest regular.

All right, and so it shall begin. I pre-pulled two names. We're gonna see, hopefully, they come out in the right order here. Make some noise for your first comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, let's do 60 seconds uninterrupted from Lino Rodriguez.

Lino Rodriguez, everybody. Here. we go. Straight out of the bucket. Anything can happen.

Hello, my name is Lino Rodriguez. I'm a door guy on 6th Street, and right now my main diet is pizza and cigarettes, you know? I really gotta stop eating cigarettes.

I'm actually Puerto Rican. I'm a Puerto Rican that can't speak Spanish, though. If I had to compare that to anything, I think it'd be like being a Catholic priest that doesn't fuck kids.

Everyone expects me to, but I'm just one of the good ones.

I wasn't raised that way.

The other day I was hanging out watching my new favorite movie, Tyler Perry's Medea Goes to Palestine,

and.

. Oh, my girl, just get to learn.

I started to think about how I like to do Molly and compliment bald people on their eyebrows, you know?

They don't really hear that anymore. I actually think they should start dying their heads like Easter eggs. That'd be fucking... All right.

I didn't think any of it was funny, but this is a hot crowd.

This is the best April Fool's shit I've ever seen.

It was good. It was good. Ian Edwards. I mean, what's the irony of him doing a Tyler Perry joke? and I'm sitting next to white Medea?

It is absolutely a fantastic point. Good point, Ian.

Now, you had some stuff about fucking kids in the middle that really piqued my interest,

because that's a real issue facing our country. It is. Thank you so much. Yes. So what is it about that that you find humorous?

Oh. Like, where did that joke come from, I guess? I want to get inside your head for a minute. Got you.

Everybody expects it to happen, you know? When you're brown or if you're a Catholic priest, either way, they laugh. We got it. We got it, Lino. Okay, over here, Lino.

How long have you been doing stand-up? About two, three years now. Okay. You lived here in Austin. for how long?

A year. Where did you live? before that? I lived in New Orleans.

Some fans of New Orleans in the crowd. How do you think I got all these beads? That's right. Oh, wow. It's sucking.

Come on, Red Band. Come on. There you go. Red Band had six necklaces in his car.

That's so hot. So, Lino, you're Puerto Rican. You can't speak Spanish. I've never seen a green Puerto Rican person before. What exactly is your diet?

You made a joke about eating cigarettes that literally silenced every part of the city.

I worked inside for a while, so I think it started to turn Greek after a while. I don't know. I work from home. And I work at night now, so I'm like pale, I guess. What do you do from home?

during the day? I used to work on AI cars. I used to help program those. AI cars? Yeah, AV cars, like Google cars and things like that, the self-driving cars.

Okay. Oh, shit. Hook us up, fam.

Oh, no, they didn't give me shit. But it was cool. Puerto Rican, take that shit.

I can only steal real cars.

Oh, I get you. Yeah, we can figure that out together. Hell yeah. Okay. That is the birth of crime, ladies and gentlemen.

That's how it happens. A Puerto Rican and a black. That's my favorite Pornhub search.

Hit me. There it is. Hit me. That's off to what Redman asked me to do to him last night.

You look like you're 46.

. Yeah. What's it like being 27 in 2024?? It's hard. Okay.

All right. There's the Pornhub sound, a minute and a half after the Pornhub joke, for those of you keeping track of Redman in the zone tonight already. Lino, have you been on this show before? Yes, I actually got on a couple of weeks ago. How did that go for you?

Not as good. Not as good. Maybe for me. I don't know. Everyone seemed to have a good time.

So I'm cool with that. Okay. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that, Lino.

Ever again. Ever again.

Lino, what did we not find out about you in your last interview? that would be interesting? What was the main frame of the interview last time you were on? What was the most interesting thing we found out about you? What did I make jokes about, talk about?

I had a real kick about my dad getting murdered. He thought that was the best thing. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We'll be right back.

Oh, my God.

Elaine is on fire. Now's a good time for me to promote. Elaine, for some reason, decided to plug Adam Ray Comedy on YouTube.

A brand new CrowdWorks special from Adam Ray. I don't know what you and Adam have going on, Elaine, but fucking…. Well, the way the Red Bands is into Latinas, I'm into Jews. I love it. Now, do you mind me asking, what happened, is this, I don't want to pour salt on a Band-Aid, but what happened to your father?

He got murked with a baseball bat. I mean, he got beat up by a couple of guys, but one of them had a bat. Right. And what did he do? Did he hit him upside the head?

Yeah, a couple of times. God damn it. Do you have the video?

This is the actual, we have audio from the, there you go, there was a referee there. Why was there a referee there, Red Band?

It was also in a bowling alley. So, not a lot of people know that. Did you know that? Did you know that your father was murdered in a bowling alley? Not as news to me.

Okay. So, what did we, you probably went home that night thinking, wow, I probably should have brought up something else or talked about something else, about my entire life. What do we not know about you, Lino? Oh, shit, man. What don't you know about me?

Maybe you didn't think about it at all. No, I didn't. Actually, I've been in a car chase once. That was crazy. Okay.

With the police? No, with a hillbilly.

Okay. What happened? Take us through it. What did you do? Well, my friends and I were out having a good time and they decided, hey, let's, I don't know, statutes of limitation.

How long is that? You're good. All right. Cool.

This guy insists on interview being boring. I don't want to break the law now. Allegedly. And they decided to jump out the car and start hitting mailboxes. And then, halfway through that...

How old were you during this? I was like 16.. Okay. And... Dad's still alive?

No. Right. He's been gone. There's no one to, no one to fucking, no one to spank you.

Just doing whatever you want in a fatherless fucking society. Typical Puerto Rican childhood.

You want to feel my tits, Lino? Of course. I feel bad for you. Do you want to feel his? Yeah, we can feel his.

I feel bad for you. I just, you know... I'd love to. All right. Let's do it.

Well, let's finish up your story. Let's hear about the car chase.

And then, halfway through, I heard this voice say, you're done fucked up now. Coming from like really far away from me. And I was like, what? And then, all of a sudden, a truck was on our ass. And I was in a Bronco, like an old 2002 Bronco.

So I started whipping that bitch. And I got the fuck out. I drove as fast as I could through backwoods of Mississippi. And my friends said, hit a right. So I did.

And then, when I did, I sort of slid into it. Then I heard... And then they crashed into the woods. And I got the fuck out of there.

Dukes of Hazzard style. I know it's really... Wow. I hope you understood what I said. I didn't realize Mississippi had Asian drivers.

Okay. I'm going to go ahead and take back the tit off. Is that okay? That's fine. I understand completely.

Lino, what is your love life? like? The world wants to know. How's Lino's pussy game? You look like the guy that answers the door at a haunted Mexican restaurant.

Very funny, Tony. I don't know. That deserves more laughter. What? It's all right.

That was a very funny joke. That's why it's your show.

It's been a weird year. I got married and divorced last year. How did that happen? Okay, there we go. Now we're getting somewhere.

Now we're cooking with gas.

He asked you one hour ago, has there anything happened that you didn't tell us from the last show? And now you just bring that shit up? Yeah.

Thanks for that. I ran a red light with Forrest Gump bullshit story.

You got a dead dad and a divorce story. Just locked and loaded in those fucking Abercrombie pockets.

We're finding out a lot more. There's a lot more. This is like a Puerto Rican Forrest Gump over here. I'm excited about this. So tell us about the marriage and divorce.

Oh man, it was quick. How'd you meet her? She saw me doing comedy once. Oh God. Was that when you got divorced?

No.

She liked my style. Oh boy. Did you say style?

Infatuated. Especially fat.

She saw you do comedy. How long were you together before you decided to get married? Good question. About a year or so. Okay.

It was pretty fast. How did you propose to her? That's always something that the ladies care about. We want to be romanced and impressed. I was at an amusement park in Gatlinsburg.

Oh. In front of a Ferris wheel with a ring. That's where slavery ended.

What happened at Del Taco? Now? what did she say? You said what? You said.

I love you. It's only been a year, but let's do this. What'd you say? Basically.

I don't know. We'd been talking about it. She brought it up. I was into it. But it was all me, dude.

I liked her. What made you want to get married, though? I don't know. That's a great question. When you're in that shit, it just sort of happens.

Okay. Yeah. Did she let you titty fuck her? Yeah. Okay.

So how long were you married until divorce came on the table? And why was divorce imminent? It was four months we were married. And then what happened? It actually took a little longer for us to get married.

It also took a little longer to get the answer to my fucking question. Jesus Christ. The numbers don't matter. It blew up. Toxic.

How? What? Come on. Give us an example of the toxicity of your city. All right.

Finding out they're not faithful. Was that what happened? Yeah. Cheating and shit. How did you find out that she was cheating on you?

She was supposed to be on a trip in Hawaii. Uh-huh. And she was in Texas. Okay. How did you find this out?

Oh, dude. Did you have one of your cars follow her? No, no, no. Funny. Funny, Ian.

I might have to plead the fifth on this one. You did some Texas shit, didn't you? I might have to plead the fifth. Why would you plead the fifth on this? You're on a podcast right now where interviews happen and anything can happen.

You're right.

Because I.

. Here we go. Okay. Jesus Christ. All right.

He's not going to save you here. He doesn't have Wi-Fi up there. You're more nervous now than when you did your one minute. Yeah. Oh, Jesus.

Well, you know, I was cleaning the house, getting ready for her to come back for the trip. Uh-huh. And I checked her location because she said she was going to go visit her family. In Hawaii? No, she was just with friends.

Mississippi's, where I'm from. Uh-huh. And when I found her location, it said she's three minutes down the road in Texas. Oh. Oh, boy.

Yeah. So I went there. Ooh. And she was there with someone I knew. Oh, no.

Who was the someone that you knew? A friend of yours? I don't know if I should do all that. You don't need to name a name, you fucking idiot. Don't name a name.

A friend of mine? I thought so. A friend of yours? Right. Should we call that friend right now?

No, no, no, no, no.

no, no, no, that's a bad idea, because I just.

. Thank you, Elaine, so much. Well, you know who's going to pick up. It's going to be Red Band. So I want to avoid that moment.

Well, I'm so sorry. But guess what? When you get cheated on, it makes you stronger. Oh, yeah. You learn about yourself.

Yeah. I got laid last week. I've been... What happened last week? Yes.

I got with ladies last week. What happened there? We're going to go back to this, by the way. Elaine tried to bail you out with that phone call. shit.

We're going back to it. But what happened last week? I met a nice lady. We went out. It was cool.

So.

. Okay. Fuck it then. Good job. Great interview.

I'm still going to squeeze you for this. We're going back. Here. we go. Hey, over here, Lino.

Stop making fucking noises with your mouth. Answer the questions that I ask you. Are you ready? Yes, I'm ready. I'm so ready.

So, when you went to the house with your friend and your wife.

. Yeah. What exactly happened? Oh, man.

This part's easy. You just tell us what happened. You just say it. Instead of all the prefacing shit and everything. Yeah, I know.

I know. I'm sorry.

I walked up to the door, and I looked in the window, and they were on the couch together. What were they doing on the couch? They were hanging out under some blankets and shit, you know? Under some blankets or on some blankets? Under.

Under. Well, how did you know? it was them under the blankets? How did you not know that it was... I could see them.

You could see their heads? Yeah. And they were... Were they watching a movie?

What were they watching, Lino? Elaine, I don't know if you noticed. He's not good at answering questions. We've got to kind of keep him one track at a time here. So, then what happened?

Did you knock on the door? Yeah. And then what happened? They...

And they said, no, they said, get out of here. They told you to get out of here? Yeah, get out of here. What are you doing here? You're trying to make jokes again.

Wait, let's act this out. Keep the music on, Red Band. You be the guy. I'll be his girl, okay? Ready?

Give me a knock.

Oh, wait. No, I thought I was supposed to... Fuck.

Sorry. Sorry. I'm not into brown guys anymore. I'm into... I'm into black guys.

Damn. Is that what you said? What did you say? I said, what the fuck are you doing here? Why are you here?

I thought you were in Hawaii. Well, our flight got changed. Okay, hold on. Elaine, what did she say when you said you're supposed to be in Hawaii? She ran off.

Where did she run off? to? The bedroom. Oh, back there, where she was safe. Yeah.

Did you chase her? No. No, that was it. No, but it erupted in some... Yeah, it was bad.

Did you and your buddy almost fight? Oh, not, really. I was more... I was going to fight him, but I was more concerned with the other bullshit that was going on. I didn't care about him.

He's a fucking piece of shit, you know? Right. Yeah, so I was more worried about, like, what's happening, you know? Right. Never got an answer.

But the divorce was quick and easy because you caught her cheating. Yeah. You didn't have to pay any of your door guy money or anything like that, right? No, no, no, no. That's ongoing bullshit, you know?

But, no, I'm still balling. Okay. All right. You got a little joke book last time? Yeah, I got a little joke book.

Such interesting things about you, yet such a terrible interview. It's absolutely incredible. Wait, man, will you hit me with some music real quick? Uh-oh. Elaine.

Uh-oh.

Whoa, he's finally got some color in his face.

I love it. All right. I hope that makes up for your dead dad.

Lino Rodriguez. There he goes, everybody. There he goes.

Lino Rodriguez. Okay. And yet, it has begun.

So, here we go. Your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen, a minute, uninterrupted, goes to Jerry Carlin, everybody. Here we go with Jerry Carlin.

I had a mustache for a while, but I think it looked silly on me, so I started clean shaving my pubes.

I used to be a cutter, but now I just spit on people.

My grandpa is starting to lose his judgment. He can't really drive anymore. And there was a blackout in his neighborhood, and he almost shot the guy.

Sometimes, I would like to be black, but makeup is expensive.

If Kanye West has taught us anything, it's that the Jews ain't worth the squeeze.

A sex worker bit my dick once, so it was half off.

Stop right there. Okay. Jerry, Carlin. Very good. A little, uh, some good old, fucking, old-fashioned, I love it, smart one-liners.

Thank you. Delivered straight down the barrel. Welcome to the show, Jerry. This is your first time on, correct? Yes.

I would recognize you. I do believe I saw you in that new Nickelodeon documentary.

Jerry, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my second time. Second time ever?

21 years old. Look at this. A fantastic start to your career. You going to college? What's your story?

No. Just high school. I don't really want college. You're still in high school. Okay.

Alright. You are the world's youngest pedophile, I do believe. 21 out there chasing high schoolers around. You gotta love it. Ian Edwards?

I mean, he's so young, he looks like he has a skin routine.

And I'm getting strong school shooter vibes at the same time. Yeah, you look like the molester and the molestee at the same time. It's true. It's true. But that's a compliment, because that's a tough gig to get.

You're very funny. Your jokes are great. The structure's good. There's a lot of misdirection. What's your writing process like?

Sometime tonight.

I don't know. I just, you know, lie in bed. They come to me, I guess. I don't really write. I'm noticing that your writing started right when Texas made Pornhub illegal.

Is there any truth to you replacing your porn addiction with a love for stand-up comedy? I actually don't watch porn. Wow. Prove it. Hold on.

What's your process there, then? Imagination? What are you, fucking? Willy Wonka? What's going on over here?

Very vivid imagination. What do you picture when you are pleasing yourself? Good question, Tony. Now I'm the pedophile. somehow.

I don't know how the switch happened. I'm just trying to host a show, but I made it creepy.

I'm a big fan of prostitutes. Some of those jokes are true. Oh my goodness, gracious. Look at you. You didn't even smile after he said that.

That is amazing. A 21-year-old. into the imaginary thoughts of a prostitute. Just the thought of a woman charging money is enough to get him off. Ian Edwards?

Now, when you say prostitutes, you mean killing them or fucking them?

Good question, Ian. Or both. Both, of course. Both. Absolutely amazing, Jerry Carlin.

Now I've done a little bit of walking the streets late at night to make some extra cash, right? A woman of the night. Oh yeah. It's a tough gig, but you have to make sure your price points are fair. I guess if I showed you my menu of sexual favorites, what's too much?

For anal, how much would you pay? How much would I pay for anal? Yes. I think that's what I just fucking asked. Yes.

Some really tough interviews so far tonight. It is... I would say, under, under 50.. What?

That is. And she's right. Our buttholes are precious, right? Now? did you mean 50 cents or 50 dollars?

Cents. Cents. Okay, okay, okay. That's fair. Stick with me here, Jerry.

How much for a blowjob on this menu of.

. Oh, that's easy. Five. Five dollars. Five dollar blowjob.

This is incredible. You sweet... Are you a virgin? No. No.

No. Prove it. That is the craziest yes I've ever heard in my life. Yeah. I think you are...

We're just.

. I need to... Okay. So let's say you and I are in the bedroom. What sort of noises do you make?

Ready? Oh, I'm silent.

Welcome to another episode of We All Knew That Already.

Okay. Jerry, you're 21.. How you making money out there on these wild streets? DoorDash, Uber Eats. Okay.

Just driving around. I love it. What kind of car do you have? Hyundai Elantra. What's your license plate?

Okay.

I love it. What's your living situation? You still with your parents? Yeah, still with my parents. They live here in Austin?

Yeah. Okay. So, born and raised in Austin. When did you decide or think that you wanted to maybe perhaps try stand-up comedy? When did this all start?

I didn't even discover comedy until after 18, but just watching it. Did your parents keep you kind of away from things on television? No. I just never stumbled across it, I guess. What were you doing?

Playing video games or something? No. I hate video games. Okay. What were you doing?

I'm a huge TV fan. I don't talk to people. Ooh. This guy might be a true comedian we're finding here. This is incredible.

You do? But for somebody who doesn't talk to me, you have a nice, like, you have an air to the way you do. You're like, I don't talk to people. Like, you sound like you own a boat. Do you know what I'm saying?

Like, you're a very confident guy for not having a lot of social interaction. What does that come from? Well, I'm having a panic attack. Oh, right now?

What do your parents think about, do they know that you're out here? Yeah, yeah. They're pretty supportive of me, sure. We've never really brought it up and talked about it. Right.

Interesting. You don't talk to your parents either? I don't talk to anybody.

Ian Edwards. You can't talk to parents you murdered.

This whole not talking to anybody thing, has this always been a thing of yours? No, just, you know, out of high school. It's just hard to meet new people. After COVID, I kind of drifted. apart from a lot of my friends.

I only really have two good friends. What do you do with these two friends? Just, we really don't even meet up that much. Just talk. Where do you talk?

You know, messages. Wow. So you're a chat room guy?

Sure. So, Jerry, if you're at the dinner table with your parents and you don't want to talk, but they're trying to strike up conversation, like, So Jerry, fuck any cool whores lately?

You just sit there in silence and eat your meatloaf? I don't eat dinner with them. You don't eat dinner with your parents? This is a fucking amazing, fucking thing we have going on here. What do you eat?

You eat by yourself? Yeah, pretty much every meal. You take it up to your bedroom? Yeah. And you sit on the edge of the bed with, like, a TV tray?

Or do you have a desk? No, I got this massive TV and a nice recliner. You sit in a recliner? And you continue to watch TV? Mm-hmm.

And you eat your food kind of, like, on your lap? That was a weird question, Tony. I like to paint the picture for people. This is all very frightening. You're right, it is.

I'm scared to death right now. I am, too. I'm more scared than he is right now, and I've been doing this for 11 years, but this kid doesn't talk to anybody. His whole life is just a bunch of blue bubbles of messages. Can I ask a question?

What would it take for you to interact with your parents? If Joe Rogan came down here tonight and said, Let's go to your house and eat dinner with your family, would you do it? If Joe Rogan asked, I would, yes. Okay, okay. Well, we have exciting news for you.

Somebody said bow and arrow three times, and Joe Rogan is here, and he wants to have dinner with your family. Okay.

I'm just really worried for white kids, man.

This is the future. What the fuck is going on with white kids?

I had terrible acne. Oh, my goodness. It's worse. You got fucking perfect skin now. Yeah, yeah.

Go talk to women.

I should, yes. Yeah, you should, man. Wow. Well, welcome to the universe, Jerry Carlin. Not only are you out in public, but you're thriving.

You're out here.

For those of you curious of what Jerry Carlin looked like very recently, we have a golden ticket winner here that is ready to blast off with a brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, sensation. You know him. You love him. Make some noise.

This is a rare appearance by the great and powerful Heath Cordis, everybody.

Jerry needs to start doing hard drugs.

Just got out of my first, like, real toxic relationship. Come on. Woo!

Yeah, it was great at first, but then it just got really needy and I needed space. So, like, I couldn't see her anymore. And that's why I said, I hate to do this, but if you leave me, I'll kill your family.

Burn your house down. Shoot my brains out. I don't give a fuck. I'm an emotional wreck right now. Try me.

Now I legally can't see her anymore.

It's alright. I'm gonna fuck the shit out of Elaine tonight. Woo!

That's the end of my minute. Thank you, guys. Woo! Fifty seconds from Heath Cordis. I love it.

Fifty seconds. You'll only need 22 with me, sweetheart. Yeah. Save that 30 for a rainy day. You know it.

Wink, wink. So far, this show is a pedophile's delight.

This is incredible. We had a 21-year-old. that said, I just recently got good looking. Just a moment ago. And here you are.

Another 21-year-old, back to back.

But not really 21.

. That's just what I had to say to, like, get this going. Wait, what do you mean? Yeah, you fucked up. You didn't do enough background.

I checked your ID that night that we met. It's a good ID. Oh, my God. You little son of a bitch.

So how old are you really? I'll never tell. Oh, hell yeah. Why am I hard? Okay.

Heath, let's get into it. You're a golden ticket winner here on Kill Tony. How's life been going? How has your life changed? What's going on with you?

Pretty good. I'm very happy. I got a door guy job at the mothership. So that's... Congratulations.

That's a big deal. Yeah, that's how I've been spending my time. Just trying to get better. It's good to know security's real tight around here. Yeah.

I laugh every time I see them pat someone down. Because I'm just like, what? Okay. It's ironic. you're the golden ticket winner, Heath.

You look like Charlie Bucket with autism. Yeah. And this show is Willy Wonka with autism. You gotta stop smoking, kid. Do you smoke?

What kind of drugs do you do, Heath? All of them. Because you told... Heath is a wild boy. I will tell you that he is one of the lightest people, yet heaviest drinkers here at the mothership.

He, actually.

. You got shit-faced last Thursday. Yeah, I fucked up. He fucked up. I fucked up.

Who's fucking up now, huh? Me, I fucked up. You did. And I was going to take him to do sold-out theaters in Boston and Baltimore, and he slept through his flights. Yeah.

To the point to where.

. Shame me. A little fun fact is, you know, we were on the plane, and it's about to close up here in Austin, Texas, and they came over the loudspeaker and said, if there's a Heath, Cordis, please ring your ringer. And so, of course, I messaged the whole fucking crew. I go, is Heath...

And has anyone seen Heath? No. I message you, right? And I did not get a response until after we landed in Boston. Tony, I'm so sorry.

Please, I'm so sorry. That's what I said. That's right. Via text message. Via text message.

So it didn't really translate. No. But that's how I felt. Of course. I do believe that.

But just to take you guys there, I was about 85% sure when we landed in Boston and heard nothing back, that is when we went to the next level of who were his roommates, can we reach out to them? Because we thought he was dead, everybody. We literally thought that your condition, fucking whatever's wrong with you,

went into overdrive and fucking.

. So at least three more months. So, Heath, who woke you up out of your race car bed? Who told you that? Who told you it was time to perform?

Worst way to wake up. No one woke me up out of the race car bed and I was still late. You just woke up. That's the plan of Home Alone, pretty much, right?

You're still alive. I had to go super, super easy to make sure I did not induce a suicide. Very close. I did real good with it, right? Yeah, you did great.

It was very, very, very nice. Tony's, not making anyone kill themselves. Thank you. Thank you, so much. Thank you.

This is the episode where we clear the air about me inducing suicides, which is out there in the zeitgeist somewhere, if you look hard enough for it. But if anybody would have killed themselves, it's the sweet little boy with many conditions. Scoliosis, Benjamin Buttons, whatever the fuck you have. You got it all. What if he's like that movie, Jack with Robin Williams, and he's 65?.

So you said, you're really not 21,. Heath? I'll never tell. Okay. Now, what if Joe Rogan came down here and asked you what your age was?

Yeah, he knows. Okay, fair enough. You said 65, which made me think of something. Have you ever 69'd with anyone, Heath? It's impossible.

Have you ever gotten your dick sucked while.

. It's impossible. All right. They had to hunch down like this, just make it work. logistically.

Every time I look at Heath, I feel like some ventriloquist is like, where did my puppet go?

It is incredible, Heath. Has your size ever helped you with anything? Is there ever a time where you use it to your advantage? A lot of leg space on the flights that you've been missing. Yeah.

What's crazy is I still get really claustrophobic on planes. You do? Even though I have the best situation for planes, I still hate them. Yeah. Do you get to board first?

What?

No. You don't? I should. I should get to board first. It's not fair.

They don't go paging old passengers with ass burgers. It's your turn. Yeah. I don't know if it's ass burgers. I think he has ass sliders.

It's a little bit smaller than a burger.

That's funny. That's funny. Thank you. That's a food joke. Thank you, Elaine.

That's a food joke. Thank you. This motherfucker doesn't board at all. Yeah. Stays at home.

It is incredible. I got to stop hiring openers that sleep in cribs and can't get out in the morning. Very rare. You are the first person I do believe I've ever worked with that slept in on flights. But you know what?

At the end of the day, you doing it, kind of adorable. That's good. Had a bit in Cam Patterson. There may have been some racial slurs said, or something like that. with you.

It's just like, aw, I hope he doesn't hurt himself. That's what I go for. So what did you end up doing that weekend? Anything fun? Not really.

Just being sad. Right. Yeah. I met Token. That guy, he reached out to me and he said he wanted to hang out.

So it was the rapper who went to the show. Yeah, we put that together. His name is Token. Who's Token? I don't know what you're talking about.

He was there. He met you. In Boston. That's right. We met a rapper in Boston.

I found out afterwards that he was a rapper. I just thought he was some fucking quiet kid hanging out. Yeah. I was listening to him since high school. So that just rubbed the salt in the wound.

Three or four years. Wow. Yeah. I just did that. Yep.

Okay. Well, Heath. Are you a big gangster rap guy? Mm-hmm. I try to be.

Uh-oh. Why are you asking that question? I don't know. I just felt like it might be time for a rap battle. Yeah.

No, no. Oh, hey.

I just feel like, if you're a fan of rap at some point, if you have time off and you missed a flight, you probably would. I'm such a fan of rap that I'm not going to rap on stage right now. Okay. Well, you could have just. Good move.

Good move. Thank you. Great move. Okay. If it's coming from the black guy, it probably isn't a good move.

Yeah. Exactly.

Great move. Well, Heath. Another fun 50 seconds. You know, writing is not easy and you wait. You use your golden ticket wisely and only come in when you're ready for it.

And I love it. Thank you. And you're a very promising young buck. Thank you. 21-year-old Heath Cordes, ladies and gentlemen.

I'll see you tonight, Heath. No condoms necessary. Way to fuck up, dude.

Here we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Andrew Ginsberg. Here comes Andrew Ginsberg, everybody.

Here he is. Come on. Make some noise for Andrew, everyone.

Yeah. I got called for jury duty last week. I haven't done that in a while. I was a little nervous. I haven't had to do it in a bit.

Don't know anything about the justice system. I've seen 895 episodes of Judge Judy, but that's it. You know what I mean? But my friends told me, don't worry. There's a really long orientation before they start, so they'll teach you everything you need to know about sending somebody to jail.

But they didn't tell us anything about that for 30 minutes. The lady behind the counter, all she told us about was how to fill out the address section of the juror form the whole time. I was there. The whole time she was just like, if you live in a house, you're not going to put an apartment number on the form. You live in a house.

Sir, why are you putting an apartment number on the form? You live in a house. This went on for 30 fucking minutes. And I'm saying to myself, why are they telling us about this instead of anything about the justice system? Why are they telling us about this address form?

And it dawned on me that the people in my group, they couldn't fill out the address form. They were struggling with it. It just got me thinking. These are your peers. This is the jury.

If you commit a crime, these fucking people are going to sentence you to prison. They can't even fill out the fucking address form. There's a lady in my group in a Klondike bar at 9.30 in the morning. Are you fucking kidding me?

If you eat ice cream before lunch, you're not qualified to send somebody to prison. I'm sorry. That's how I feel about that. I started taking my anger out on the judge. I was like, dude, you studied law.

for what, 20 years? You need help from 30 random fucking weirdos to help you make a decision? Get it together. Use your brain. You're a lawyer.

It's like if I went to the doctor and he was like, I think you have cancer. Good lord, almighty, Andrew. Jesus Christ.

Holy shit. Well, here's someone who's not going to get a titty fuck. Oh my god.

What the fuck was that? Hi, Andrew. Hey, how you doing? How long have you been doing stand-up for? Six years.

Oh boy. Sorry. What was that? I'll tell you the truth. Yeah, please do.

I have a tight set, but my friends are saying, if you got on the show to do something that you're excited about, that's new, and it just didn't translate. Oh, wow. Your friends fucked you. Yeah. Your friends hate you, Andrew Ginsberg.

They sure do. Why don't you give us an example? Six years in the game. Why don't you do your best joke? Okay.

Yep. I just turned 35 recently. Thank you. Yep. Now I'm hanging out with all 25-year-olds.

now. I realized all my real friends got married and moved to the suburbs and had kids, so I had to regroup. I'm hanging out with 25-year-olds. Oh, shit. No, no, no.

I'm not done. Oh, shit. Maybe I will give you that titty fuck. Oh, shit. I'm just nervous.

You live in New York? Yeah. You know how I know? Yeah. You do that.

New Yorkers do that, and they do this. Something to keep an eye on. They can't fucking help them. Another thing is it's fucking terrible. You make up for a lack of everything with all this fucking.

Yeah. You can't help yourself. Just bombing and fucking, moving them like, hey, you can't tell I'm bombing.

Listen, man. The only way you can save the rest of your time up here is if your dad got killed by a bunch of baseball bats.

He's not wrong. Fair enough. And if you caught your girlfriend cheating, you better have some tragedy. Yeah. Ginsburg, we got to get into it.

You got to save this with an interview, dude. Look, he's doing the double hand thing, doesn't even know it.

I could go on and on, people. I study this art form. I've known it. By the way, Shane and Attell do the double hand thing, but they can get away with it. It's their thing.

That's why the rest of them are doing it. Anyway, just got to get that disclaimer out there before everybody fucking loses their minds. You suck. Let's get into it. Six years.

Your new minute sucks. Your best joke sucks. Well, I tripped on that. I'm sorry. Okay.

I'm so nervous. Okay. Apologies, don't work here, but it's okay. So tell us, what's good stuff that's happening from you doing stand-up comedy? Why do you continue to do this to yourself?

Well, normally I get laughs. Let me tell you something, because I mentioned this earlier. It's a hot crowd. Yeah, yeah. I can't believe the stuff that I've heard them laugh at tonight.

They kept it real. on this one. They realized like, oh shit, we're going to watch an actual bombing here today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would have rather you queefed into the microphone.

Me too. Me too. If you could do that, that would be amazing. If you could do that. But you are, but nerves is a part of it, right?

I'm nervous. I don't feel that great, to be honest with you. Okay. Hold on. I'm sorry to interrupt, Elaine.

Why don't you feel great? Well, to be honest with you, Tony, the pollen in Austin is killing me, and I'm just dying. Oh, you fucking faggot.

I don't feel that great. I don't want to hear it.

I did say that I went to a bar mitzvah 20 years ago. I believe you. Oh, my God. Why would you say that shit?

What do you mean? you're from Jersey? But you live in New York. I live in New York. Right.

So you're originally from, you're trying to like claim Jersey all of a sudden? No, no, I'm just saying that's where I'm from. Okay. All right. I actually kind of get like the type of comedy he was trying to do.

Sure. It didn't hit. So I understand, like I can see where that would work. Sure. But if I ever hear you tell some niggas about your pollen allergies.

Understood. Ever again, like everybody that booed, you were on fucking point.

And the pollen just started flying up in your nostrils and you're like, oy vey. Pretty much. I mean, that's. Wow. Well, you have to rise above it.

You know, there's going to be other hardships that come your way. Right. I'll take that as a note. Joe Rogan fights through pollen. I'm sure he does.

It's true. I'm sure he does. I like that. nature tried to stop this set. Exactly.

Do your allergies affect you in other places? We do have, we do have allergies here. People, people get them. The weak people. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Just Texas. No, they affect me. other places.

Right. Yeah. Tell us some more super Jewish things about you. Well, I'm only half Jewish. My mom's Italian.

Oh, wow. You know, those Italians and their allergies. You know what I mean? So I'm not all the way. All right.

Well, okay. I want to just tell you the truth about that, too. Oh, you always say, I'm going to be honest. I'm going to tell you the truth. I'm going to be honest here, Tony.

I'm going to tell you the truth. You're a fucking, you're a little liar, aren't you? No, not about this. Now, riddle me this. Yes.

Ginsburg's your last name. What's your first name? Andrew. Andrew, if you were to tell a lie that was funnier than the truth. Yeah.

Like, what would, your excuse was not pollen. What could you come up with? that might be funny to say? Instead of, I'm allergic to fucking flowers. Yeah, I was doing meth till 930 in the morning.

I'm sorry, you know. All right. Well, we'll try.

I'll tell you the truth, Elaine. I'm allergic to Palestine.

That's, that's funny. That is. All right. Now, how do you write? Do you write, do you write?

I do write, yes. Yeah. In an unfunny chamber. I mean, you know, I write as much as I can. Give us your second best joke.

I want to hear your second best joke. We went through the 35, 25.. You're up here for a reason. Six years in the game. Let's hear your second best joke.

Take a deep breath first. All right, I appreciate it. Yeah, well, that's just going to put more pollen in his nasal passage.

We're going to give you a fucking, what's that shot? We're going to give you a epinephrine shot. Epinephrine or something. Okay, here we go. His second best joke, six years.

I'll tell you the truth. Here he goes. I'm going to be honest. I just found out that my cat has diabetes, which is strange. I never had a cat before.

It's kind of like having a girlfriend again. I just follow her in my apartment saying I'm sorry. I wonder why she hates me so much. You know, it turns into the same thing. But I came home the other day and she was in the corner of my apartment.

She's peeing and she's crying. I'm like, first of all, this is New York.

This is cat food, dude. My cat can't speak. I don't know if my cat's in pain. My mom has diabetes and that makes more sense, because I call her every Sunday and I'm like, Mom, what are you making for dinner? And she's like, I'm having a nice, healthy cake.

Okay, I get why you have diabetes. That makes sense. My cat doesn't walk...

Is that Seinfeld-y? That was Kramer.

What the fuck was that? Oh, my God. This is an anomaly. I love the commitment, though. My cat's got diabetes.

My mom's got diabetes. Everybody's got diabetes. Do you say I promise I'm not crazy? That's why you should open the whole set. That's funny.

That's honest. You are a little crazy, though, huh? I guess so.

I don't know if it's dating or anything at all. Really, anything other than complainy, whiny, unfunny bullshit. That hurts, Tony. This is the show you signed up for. No, I understand.

Okay, let's go. What's something that would surprise us about you, Ginsberg? I don't know if you'd find it surprising, but I've been asked to officiate six weddings.

I could believe that. It's not surprising at all. Seems like that's what you would be good at. Thank you.

The real world? The real world. I still can't get over it. You saw a guy that was 21 years old, that is suffering with some shit. Do his material.

Another guy. His dad, died. And then you're like, I have a pollen.

You know how much damage was up here?

He's right. You think you've ever killed before six years in the game? I promise I do. You promise, you do? I have, yeah.

I go up every day. You go up every day. And that's what you did. You have a third best joke that might hit here? Who wants Sears?

I know. We're 11 minutes into this, guy. People are going to be like, why did you keep him up here? I don't care. I want to hear your third best joke.

If Cat has diabetes is number two, and I'm 35. hanging out with 25 is number one. No, it's not number one. Because you've got to have a killer. I'm just nervous.

The third best joke, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. Try to think of one that maybe has a short setup and a big punch. Here we go. Andrew Ginsberg.

Six years of New York comedy. Supposedly the comedy capital of the world. And here is Andrew Ginsberg, six years into being a New York comedian. New Jersey, New Jersey. No, no, no.

No, he's been doing it in New York, originally from New Jersey. But here he is, New York comedian, everybody. Andrew Ginsberg. Yeah, we already did this. Go ahead and do it.

I'll be honest. Okay, go ahead.

I was saying to my friends, I feel like I'm a raging alcoholic. They're like, God, what makes you say that, Ginsberg? You're not partying that hard. I'm like, I don't know. If you wake up every single big night and you're Googling, am I an alcoholic?

You're definitely an alcoholic, right? I feel like most people don't do that. They're not like, should you have shit in a blender last night?

This is fucking amazing.

This thing where you kind of fucking, and then, you know, and then, and then, you know, have you noticed that you do that? Yeah. What is that? That's some Jersey shit.

It's nice to see one of their own out here, just fucking, you're on lineups out there, right? Yeah. Yeah, up there with everybody else. What's going on in New York comedy right now, right? It's not my best night.

Oh.

Do-do-do-do.

It's not my best night. That is one of the funniest things you've said in 13 and a half minutes. Holy shit. We got to get you out of here, dude. All right.

You tried. You tried your best, though, right? You feel good? No, I don't. I'm sorry.

There he goes.

Wow.

Wow. That is what this show.