#2006 - Brian Simpson
2023-07-11 03:13:59
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
Joe Rogan podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. Showing my day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.
What's happening? Hell yeah, what's up, Joe?
Good to see you, brother.
Glad to be back. Can I plug my dates real quick before I forget? Yeah. I'm going to be in Denver at Comedy Works on July 13th through the 15th and Levity Live in West Nyack, New York, on July 20th through the 22nd. Get those tickets on bryansimpsoncomedy.com.
Nice. Listen to the podcast, BS with Bryan Simpson. It's pretty good.
Yeah, it's very good. Yeah. You enjoy doing it?
I love it, man. I love it. I feel like you need something outside of comedy. Like when you start doing it for money, you know, you have to do something else, so you don't, so you're not just doing comedy, you know?
Yeah, it also helps your brain just because you're talking about stuff, thinking about stuff. Yeah, yeah. Because the subjects.
Yeah, and I'm getting better at it too. Just having to find your own energy every week or whatever. I just like having something to do. Yeah.
No, it's great. It's fun. I think the best tool for comics is the one person podcast, which you do too. It's like where one person gets to rant about things. You have guests on, but sometimes you just rant about things.
Right, yeah.
I think that is like where Burr comes up with a lot of his material. That's where Tim Dillon comes up with a lot of his material. Oh, yeah. He's a superpower.
A lot of mine from regret. Like I'll say something, because what I do is I have my producer find these articles and I don't read, I've never read them. Oh. And he gives me the gist of it and I just react. Sometimes I'm like, oh, why did you say that?
Right. When I heard about the submarine people, the first thing I said was, what kind of stupid, you know? Yeah. But I forget, like I do, I got empathy for the people. still.
I do too. They're dumb as fuck, but being trapped in a box is one of the worst ways to go.
And they haven't found them yet, but they're hearing banging now.
Yeah. What does that mean?
I mean, they have 30 hours, less than 30 hours now, just before they run out of air.
Yeah, I think they're dead. I think they're already gone.
Well, if there's banging, if someone's banging.
As of Tuesday afternoon, they had 40 to 41 hours. That's 24 hours to go now. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's every quarter.
So they got like 20 hours.
Yeah, like everybody that's still alive is really sleepy right now.
Jesus Christ. 5 or 6 a.m. Thursday.
Eastern Standard Time is when they run out of breathable air. Tomorrow morning. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Well, that's if they're all still alive. True. Right? Right. I think somebody on there might have made a heroic sacrifice or something.
What does that do for anybody?
It leaves the air for one person to breathe.
Do you think someone killed someone so they have more air?
I think somebody might have killed themselves, so everybody else have more air.
How are you going to kill yourself in front of everybody on a little tiny submarine smaller than this room?
Just have somebody choke you out.
You know how much energy it would take to choke someone out? Yeah, because remember one of them. I'd rather just sit still.
One of them down there with their son. Can you imagine being on there with your child? You're like, baby, look, daddy showed you how to do. I showed you how to do the rear naked. Oh, my God.
Finish me off. Live for the rest of us. Oh, my God.
I don't think that anybody's going to do that. I think they're just going to assume they're all going to die together.
Yeah?
Yeah. If they die together. I mean, I don't know. I have no idea, like, what ability they have to pull that thing up.
Yeah. Or can you imagine what's on the cell phones?
Like these hours now. Like they still had hope yesterday, probably. Oh, my God. But like right now, can you imagine? Oh, my God.
Or being the guy that forgot your charger?
Well, the crazy thing is, Jamie pointed this out yesterday, and there's lawsuits apparently. Did you point it out? No, you didn't tell me. Someone told me in the green room.
I did.
It was you?
About the window? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that was you. Yeah.
Oh, my God. So tell people.
Yeah. Someone. yesterday, I read that there was a lawsuit in 2018.. A whistleblower was trying to report that the window, the glass, wasn't rated for that depth.
Yeah.
And they fired him apparently.
I'll send it to you, Jamie. Yeah, you send it to me on Twitter. Oh, you found it? Okay. Oceangate was warned of potential for catastrophic problems with Titanic mission.
January 2018,, the company's engineering team was about to hand over the craft named Titan to the crew, who would be responsible for ensuring the safety of its future passengers, but the experts inside and outside the company were beginning to sound alarms. Oceangate's director of marine operations, David Lockridge, started working on a report around the time, according to court documents, ultimately producing a scathing document to which he said the craft needed more testing and stressed the potential dangers of the passengers of the Titan as the submersible reached extreme depths. Two months later, Oceangate faced similar dire calls from more than three dozen people, industry leaders, deep sea explorers, and oceanographers, who warned in a letter to its chief executive, Stockton Rush, that the company's experimental approach and its decision to forego a traditional assessment could lead to potentially catastrophic problems with the Titanic mission. So apparently they've done this a hundred times?
Yeah, that's not enough. Yeah, they've done it a hundred times.
Imagine being number 99 and you hear about this.
Yeah, you know, and I read too. this morning, some reporter was on one, he was on the boat last year and it got lost for like five hours, the submersible. And he didn't say anything.
Oh my God. It says, Mr. Lockridge reported learning that the viewport that lets the passengers see outside the craft was only certified to work at depths of up to 1,300 meters. That is far less than would be necessary for trips to the Titanic, which is nearly 4,000 meters below the ocean surface. The paying passengers would not be aware and would not be informed of this experimental design.
Lawyers for Mr. Lockridge wrote in court filings, the meeting led Ocean Gate to fire Mr. Lockridge. Wow. According to court documents filed by both sides, Ocean Gate has said in court records that he was not an engineer, that he refused to accept information for the company's engineering team, and that the acoustic monitoring of the hull strength was better than the kind of testing that Mr.
Lockridge felt necessary. The company sentenced the lawsuit that it appeared Mr. Lockridge was trying to be fired. Mr. Lockridge responded by alleging wrongful termination.
Legal battle ended in a settlement later in 2018.. So it seems like it was him, but two dozen other people? A separate warning came from... 38 experts. Yeah, received the same year from 38 experts in the submersible craft industry.
All of them were members of the Manned Underwater Vehicles Committee of the Marine Technology Society, a 60-year-old industry group that promotes studies and teaches the public about ocean technology. The experts wrote in their letter to Mr. Rush that they had unanimous concern about the way the Titan was developed and about the planned missions to the Titanic wreckage.
Oh, look at this shit. The letter said that Ocean Gate's marketing of the Titan had been at minimum misleading because it claimed that the submersible would meet or exceed the safety standards of a risk assessment company known as DNV, even though the company had no plans to have the craft formally certified by the agency.
Oh, God, people are gross. Money. It's always money.
It's always money.
It's always money.
Money and hubris.
Man, it's weird, because for some people, there's no such thing as enough money.
Yeah.
And I don't understand it. I don't understand it either. Like, if I go the rest of my life making the money I'm making right now, I'll be great.
Yeah.
Yeah, I got enough money. Look, it's like I got enough money where I would not... I don't make decisions based on that.
You know what Brian Cowen told me once? It's a great quote. He said, once you have enough money to go to a restaurant and not worry about what food costs, he goes, everything else is bullshit. Right.
Yeah, just about that.
Just go to dinner and not think about it, not worry.
What was that old saying? It was like $70,000.. Once you pass $70,000, more money doesn't make you happy. I mean, that was years ago. It's probably like 85 now.
Right. But it was like once you pass that, once you're up around there where you can just buy, you know, a good meal and not think about it. Yeah. Yeah, it's like I don't make decisions where that's the number one factor, where it's like, oh, you could make $10,000 and do a good job, or you could make $100,000 and betray your two closest friends. It's like, I'll just take the 10..
Yeah. I don't need 90,000, you know what I mean?
But they don't think about the guilt that would come with the betrayal.
It's like, imagine bringing your son down there. Imagine the arrogance.
Oh, well, that guy, I think the guy with his son, is that the same guy that flew in Jeff Bezos' rocket ship? I'm not sure. This dude's a risk taker.
Yeah, I think that's the guy that owns the whole. Oh, God. I think he owns the ship, not the Submersible Company.
Dude, that is so terrifying. But didn't James Cameron do that?
Yeah, James Cameron went down there before he filmed Titanic. Yeah. But I don't think he.
I think he went solo.
But he didn't take all. But he was in control of the craft. I don't think somebody was controlling it from somewhere else.
See if you have footage of that. James Cameron's a wild motherfucker. Yeah. He's a wild dude. I mean, just to be him and decide to do that because you're filming the Titanic.
I think that was, he was filming Avatar, right? No.
He was filming a documentary.
On the Titanic.
On, yeah, on like, what it's like to even, Deep Sea Challenge is what it was called. 3D trailer.
Yeah, this is wild.
And they went, I think they went to the bottom of the ocean.
How far is that?
There's another video I was pulling up. Have you seen that, like, it's an animation of how deep the ocean gets? And it just shows you how, compared to a bunch of stuff on land, how far the minimum depths are and then the maximum depths. So he went to the maximum, like Mariana Trench. It's more than twice as far down as the Titanic is.
Oh my God.
And now don't they think there's a deeper spot?
Yeah, I think they found some other spots. they think are deeper.
Challenger Deep? Why am I thinking about that?
They might have done this live, I think, too.
Oh, my God.
No, Challenger Deep is an area in the Mariana Trench.
I mean, just imagine just relying on all that equipment to continue to work properly.
But it also looks like they, maybe not, whereas this current submarine didn't have any sort of tethering to it.
His did.
He might have, but I don't know actually.
You know what's wild to me, though?
You know how. one of the conspiracies about the moon landing is that they really got Stanley Kubrick to film it? We have a fucking director here claiming that he went to the bottom of the ocean and no one suspects that he made it all up.
Yeah, right?
Yeah, how we know he fucking really went down there? Yeah.
No kidding. How many people were there? Right. Who's the witnesses? All we got is footage of him inside that thing.
Yeah, and that's from the 90s. It was probably cheaper to fake it.
No, that's new. That's pretty new. I think it's like 2010 or 11..
Yeah, it's less than 10 years old.
Oh, so he didn't do that for the Titanic? No.
No, I think he did it for Avatar. Because, you know, Avatar 2, a lot of it is water.
Yeah.
Apparently, it's like one of the most expensive movies to film ever. It was a great movie.
They just pushed back.
Fuck yeah, it was great.
The next three got pushed back. The last one's coming out now in 2031.. Jesus Christ. The main girl's like, I'll be like 50. when I shot this.
The first one, I was 20-something.
Yeah, but all you're doing is making faces. Yeah, you'll be all right.
But if you get in a role like that, where you have to come back again and again and again, it's a little bit of a velvet prison for a lot of those guys.
Yeah, and I imagine they want to do other stuff.
Yeah.
But it's also, you want that security.
Well, I think that's why they, is that why they killed off Batman, I mean, Iron Man in The Avengers? Was Robert Downey Jr. like, enough already?
They have a giant, giant, giant story plan that's going on. that's way bigger. They're on phase five now, or something wild with that.
They're allowed to do weird shit now because of the multiverse. They can just go back in time and reset things.
That happened in DC, brought in the multiverse, too.
They've earned so much leeway from the fans. A Marvel movie just has to be better than OK. And people are like, fuck it.
Yeah.
Yeah, because the end, because we know at the end what's going to happen. Because the people in the comics, they go way harder than they do in the, like. if HBO had bought the rights to Marvel, it would be some dark shit.
Yeah.
Yeah, in the comics. So, did you watch any of the movies, the Marvel movies?
Yeah, I've watched a few of them.
Most of them. So, in the movies, Thanos' motivation is he wants balance in the universe. So, he wants to find everything so he can snap away half the people. so there's more resources for the people left. Right.
That's a stupid fucking reason. In the comics, what happened is, from a little kid, Thanos was like, he was a freak, like a mutant. He looked like that. And people treated him like shit. And his only friend was Mistress Death.
She would visit him. Like, death. was her realm. Like, there was really, she was in charge of all dead shit. Oh, wow.
And something happened and she fucking hates him. Like, he's banned from her realm. Right? He's in love with her. He's banned from her realm.
That's why he can't die. Oh, my God. And he's trying to impress her by sending her more souls. So, he wants the Infinity Gauntlet so he can snap her, snap it away. So, the movie would have ended in a completely different way.
He ended up having, like, he, created a platform for her and a throne so she could watch when he snapped away the rest of the universe. And all of the fucking Avengers and everybody showed up to fight this motherfucker. It was an epic battle. And what happened to his daughter, you know, the robot chick that betrayed him? Her punishment was like, she was just stuck standing still.
I forget. He did something horrible to her. But she was just stuck like a slave, standing still. And every superhero in the universe is fighting. just Thanos, trying to get that gauntlet off before he snaps, you know?
And the robot bitch who he, the last person he saw coming, she, like, used her last bit of willpower and snapped out of it for a second and snatched the glove off.
The comic books went hard, man.
I wonder why they took that plot line away, because that's a great plot line. He's in love with death.
Bro, there's this dude on YouTube called Comics Explained. He's the biggest, like, I didn't read any of that. He does these videos where he just walks you through the whole story. You know, some of them, four, five, six hours long, he goes through the whole issues and tells you the whole shit, so you don't have to. And I was like, I watch this motherfucker all the time.
He walked me through that whole shit. I was like, oh, this is way better than the movies.
Oh, that's interesting.
Yeah. But I think it would have just taken them longer, because they, you, they got to make, they have to make the movies for people that don't read the comics. Right. So they can't always do everything that's in there. But.
That sounds better, though.
It's way better.
We're halfway through four now, I think, on here of everything they've made.
And then they have all the stuff that's coming out.
There's a bunch of stuff on the way, too. Yeah, there's two new giant Avengers 4 movies coming.
No, we're in phase five now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're here. We're like.
Isn't that crazy, though? Oh, Blade?
There's a Blade coming out later this year.
Daredevil. I've seen X-Men. Yeah, there's X-Men supposedly supposed to be coming out at some point. They're bringing them back into the fold. Wow.
Oh, Captain America, New World Order.
They just got the rights to Hulk back, so I'm expecting another Hulk movie to get announced.
But Mark Ruffalo's not going to be the Hulk again, right? I don't know. I think there's going to be a new Hulk. Depends if they. I think Mark Ruffalo's busy being a political activist or something.
They could take the rights to his face and put somebody else in there.
Oh, God.
Deep-faked Hulk.
He's out there like, Hulk, recycle.
They can kind of do anything with CGI. now. Bruce Willis gave up all the rights. He sold all the rights to his voice. I think it's called aphasia.
He's got a serious neurological condition. Something's really wrong with him. And so he gave up the rights to AI, using deep fakes of him for ads and for a bunch of other things. He sold that.
Wow, for how much? I don't know.
That's a good question.
I mean, that's worth it. if you can't talk, no more.
Well, if you know that it's over and you're never going to work again.
Yeah, way to get the bag.
You're just trying to stay alive. I mean, he's just trying to stay alive. It's bad. There was a video of him with his family. I think they were celebrating a birthday.
And you could see him struggling. It's so sad.
For clarity, I just looked up an article. There's a report that he actually did not sell his rights.
Oh.
But they did. It's very confusing.
It says, actor denies selling rights to AI company for digital twin. But there was also articles that said he did it. Right.
No, that's 100%. I'm looking up. It says that he did it. But there's one that's counter to that. that says he did not.
And then the quote is something like he can't. The wording about rights is wrong. Bruce couldn't sell anyone rights. They are his by default.
Anyone, any rights, they're his by default. The deepfake companies use artificial intelligence to create realistic simulations of famous figures. A deepfake of Willis appeared in an advert for a Russian telecoms company last year. In August 2021, Megafon launched an ad campaign with Bruce Willis and requested us to create a digital twin of the star. Upon the request, our engineers processed a data set composed of 34,000 images of Bruce Willis and made his digital twin for this series of Megafon ads.
Oh, interesting.
James Earl Jones did something similar.
Well, I mean, it makes sense. Especially if you're an old dude and you're done. You don't want to act anymore. Just sell your rights.
I mean, James Earl Jones will be making that Star Wars money till he die.
Right. Yeah.
And way after. They can just keep using his voice.
Just for his voice. Isn't that wild?
Man, I'm trying to get that bad.
The money you make when you don't have to do anything. is, you know, that's freedom right there. Yes. Yeah.
Yeah. Just passive income. Just keeps floating in for you.
I was just talking to somebody else about this.
I think there's people that dream of being rich, but what they really want, the fantasy, is really that they can do whatever they want. Yeah. Right? They really dream of freedom. Yeah.
But because we're in a capitalist society, freedom is being rich.
They dream of stuff, too, though. They dream of stuff.
What do you mean?
Stuff. Like, if you don't have stuff, you want stuff.
Oh, right. Well, that's what I mean. Being able to buy what you want to buy, being able to do what you want to do. But then there's, like, the Bezos's of the world, where it's like, for them, it's about dominating. It's not about the amount of money.
But he seems to have, like, he, resigned from the company. Right? He's not the CEO anymore. Yeah. Oh.
And I think he's just balling. That's what I think he's doing. He's just banging that super hot girlfriend of his and traveling around the world in the biggest yacht that no one's ever built.
He's doing all that anti-aging shit. Yeah, he's doing him. Who's that one billionaire that I was telling you about? Oh, yeah. Blood transfusions from his son.
Yeah.
That guy's weird.
Man. But he does look younger.
He looks great. But, I mean, you probably could look that. There's guys that look that good, that are his age, that just work out all the time.
But that's what I don't know, because he's doing so many things that I don't know. what is he going overboard with. Like, he takes, like, 40 vitamins in the morning and 40 more in the afternoon. He always sleeps at the same exact time, no matter what.
That seems tedious.
I know. It's like, I'd rather just die sooner.
You know, like I was telling you, I had a headache last night because, you know, all the shit that's going on in the club. Nonsense. There's nothing bad. So then I had a hard time going to sleep. And then I got up in the morning and I was foggy as shit.
Got in the cold plunge. Like, I know I'm not at optimum today. Yeah. I know it. But, you know, that's life.
That's life.
That is life.
Suck it up, bitch. Like, is that him and his son? So he looks to me like a normal, fit 40-year-old guy.
No, but show a picture of him from, like, five years ago.
What, did he look bad?
He just didn't.
He looks better?
He looks worse. Yeah. He looks better now.
Well, maybe back then he was working, too.
See, that's him right there. See what the, uh.
Is he working still?
Yeah, go back. Is that not him?
Oh, that's him?
Right, that's him right there.
Oh. Well, also, it looks like he lost weight, he got fitter.
Yeah, he went golf.
Which makes you healthier. He looks more like a superhero than goth. Like, what is that? strap on his shoulder? What is he doing?
Is that a bulletproof vest? Is that guy a superhero? What is that outfit? Imagine wearing that outfit. If you showed up at the mothership with that outfit, everybody would be like, Brian Simpson, what the fuck are you smoking?
Tony might rock that.
Tony would rock that. Cowboy hat. With a big belt buckle.
No, but I bet you it's probably something that, like, lets a certain frequency of light through his nipples, that helps him retain vitamin D or some shit.
Right, right. What is that stupid shirt, man? That shirt's ridiculous. Yeah, he's got them Zero shoes on.
Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, he's doing all the face stuff, too. See, that's another thing that they can do. They do this face thing. Oh, Jesus.
What happened to his face?
I think it just got cold.
Oh, that's a different guy. He said, I tried. Yeah. But what is he doing? right there?
It says 45-year-old CEO to the right of that? Yeah. So what is he doing? Okay, so there's a thing. There's a thing that they do where they, like, put these, like, micro needles all over your face, and then they rub stem cells in your face.
I know a few people that have had that done.
But now imagine the son doing this from 18..
You know? Yeah.
That might be a whole different thing.
Yeah, so he eats 2,000 calories a day.
But he's vegan.
Yeah, that's not good. That's a lot of vegetables. But that's interesting that he would choose that route, the vegan route for longevity. Because there's a lot of, you know, nutritional pitfalls in that.
Can you not make up for those? You can. Because, like he said, he takes, like, 50, 60 vitamins.
Yeah, it's possible. It's possible to do. But the most nutrient-dense foods are red meat. That's the most nutrient-dense foods. There's just a lot of weird propaganda.
He might switch it up.
Well, who knows? I mean, he doesn't look that good there, though. So that thing again? But it's like, for a lot of people on vegan diets, it's hard to put masks on. I mean, he looks okay.
But he looks like a normal 45-year-old guy. that's fit.
And I think that's his dad, too. See that picture right there in the middle?
Him, his son, and his dad all did the transfusion thing.
I'm not sure I like that. picture. Him in the middle. Like, why were you looking at me like that? Imagine if you go over to someone's house, and the son and the dad and the little kid, they're all posed like this.
Like, come on. What are you doing? If I went over to your house, and you were there with two other dudes, I'd be like, hey, man, I'm going to leave.
We were embracing?
Yeah, I mean, I want you guys to be happy.
It's not as bad as the one on the right.
No, the one on the right is normal.
This is how we stay younger, Joe. It's cuddle, puddles.
It looks like his dad's not listening.
Intergenerational cuddle puddles.
That belt buckle is fucking straining.
Yeah, well, he's definitely holding in his stomach.
Yeah, on top of that, that guy's not listening. Isn't it funny? I think the son is on this crazy health kick. The dad looks like he's eating meatball subs.
Oh, yeah. I think he was estranged from the dad and the son until recently. Oh. And they got back together for the transfusion.
Oh, man, that is so hard for people. I've met people that their kid won't talk to them. I'm like, oh, my God.
Yeah, that's wild.
What happened?
And then me, the opposite. Last night at the club, there were two people where it was just a dad out with his son. Well, one was out with his son, and one was out with his daughter. Yeah. I was like, that's awesome.
Beautiful. If you're 50 and your 25-year-old daughter wants to still hang out with you, you did pretty good. Yes.
You know? No, it's beautiful. Hanging out with your kids is awesome. I don't understand. I mean, you know, all sorts of circumstances.
Divorce, parents turn one kid against the other parent.
Oh, yeah.
That's horrible. I've seen that shit happen. That's like when you date manipulative, vindictive people and they do it to other people and you don't think they're ever going to do it to you, guess what? Yeah. Guess what?
You're going to be other people if they don't like you anymore.
But you know what, though?
While sleeping, Johnson is hooked up to a machine that counts the number of nighttime erections. Oh, wow. This guy's going too hard with data. He also takes daily measurements of his weight, body mass index, body fat, blood glucose levels, and heart rate variations. I mean, okay.
Maybe he has a lucky number. He wakes up, 13, yes!
13 boners. How many boners do you think you get in a night?
I don't know. What's a good number?
I didn't know you got them at night.
I get them every now and then. I go to pee and I got to, like, do the lean.
But why do you need to measure? Is there a normal amount?
Right. Yeah. Oh, man. I don't want to know that much data.
I don't want to be worried about stuff like that.
There's so much data.
That ain't going to come out with, like, an apple cock ring. that'll measure for you?
Five. Five nocturnal erections during an eight-hour sleep cycle, typically, with each erection lasting about 25 minutes. That's about one erection every 90 minutes. Oh, man. Interesting.
But that's weird. Like, why is he measuring? I guess, to find out what his testosterone levels are, but wouldn't you be able to do that with blood levels? I don't know. Yeah, man, you can go crazy.
Like, when I had that whoop thing, like, if I looked at it, I mean, I still have it. I just haven't been wearing it. But if you look at it and it says you only got, like, 25% recovery, but you feel good, you're like, what the fuck is going on? How come I feel good? You know?
But that was actually a sign that a lot of people had COVID, because they would have an eight-hour sleep and they'd wake up and it'd be like 4% recovery. Like, what the fuck is going on?
Oh, like the way you were breathing.
Your body's struggling. Your body's not doing so. good, you know?
Yeah, I don't know. Sometimes I still do the health tracking, but sometimes I wonder.
I just listen to my body. for the most part. I mean, I do measure my heart rate and I do wear a heart rate strap when I do some of my workouts. But, like yesterday, there's a couple people in my family that are sick right now. Not bad, but enough, you know, that it's like they're sick.
And I was working out yesterday. I was like, boy, do? I feel like a bitch. Like I just wanted to stop. But I felt strong enough to do it.
But it was like this, so I'm riding this line where I don't want to overstress myself and like tax my immune system, but I don't want to pussy out of my workout. So I got to feel it along the way while I'm doing it. It's like I'm going through a dark room and I'm just feeling the walls by hand. You know?
Yeah, see, you got more discipline than me. I would just give in.
Well, I have a particular type of mental illness. Like I need to do physical things. If I don't, my brain doesn't work. that good. It's like too confused.
It's riddled with extra energy and data that it doesn't need. It concentrates on stupid shit. It's not good for me. For me, I need exertion. But when I have exertion, I'm calm and friendly, and nice and easygoing, and I'm compassionate and I think about other people, like their problems before I react to things.
But when I'm amped up, like if I haven't worked out for three days, I'm not good at decisions. You know? You want to say things like, shut the fuck up. But when you say shut the fuck up, nobody hears shut the fuck up. They get mad at you.
They don't think, oh, I should shut the fuck up. It's the most ineffective thing to say unless you're really thinking about violence and you're letting someone know, if you don't shut the fuck up, I'm going to put you in the hospital. Right. Unless it's that.
Yeah.
Unless it's a warning.
We were talking about respect the other day. That shit will save your life in a whole bunch of situations.
Fuck yeah. Respect people.
If all else fails, just be respectful.
Always. Always be respectful.
It's wild now, because nowadays it's like, it just seems like a lot of people are comfortable being disrespectful.
It's internet.
Yeah. It's kind of crazy, man.
Yeah. It's that internet culture. That way of communicating, becomes a part of your system. You're used to communicating like that. There's so many people that are so crazy on Twitter.
The way they talk to people. I couldn't imagine talking to someone like that to their face just because it's so mean. It's so shitty.
It's fighting words to some people.
It's also such a pussy move because you know the person's not there. You're saying mean shit to them to hurt their feelings, knowing that they're not there, and then you keep checking for replies like a sick fuck.
Because on top of it, it's like everyone sees this. Yeah. It's more important for me to get in a good clap back than it is.
Oh, yeah.
Right? I had an old gym. One of my gym teachers used to. whenever it got physical in physical education class, like somebody wanted to fight or whatever, he would let us fight, but he would take you in the closet where we put the mats. He'd be like, well, y'all can fight in here in front of me, but you just can't fight in front of everyone.
Oh, wow.
And 90% of the time people would go in that closet and make up. Yeah. Yeah, because it's like it's the wanting to save face that makes you not be able to let shit go.
It's also when you get in that closet, you realize it's real. You start looking for a way out of this.
And I don't get anything out of it. No one sees it. So now, how do I benefit from beating you up? We're going to both just leave here and tell people what happened.
Right. No one's going to see it. And, you know, it's also. you're about to get your face punched in.
Yeah, but that shit will backfire, though, too. Always. Because some people really want to scrap it. You take them in there and it's a problem.
Yeah, they're looking forward to it. Mm-hmm. I had Mike Perry on the podcast the other day. He's a bare knuckle boxing guy that came over from the UFC. That dude, like some people, pretend to not give a fuck.
That dude doesn't give a fuck. He doesn't give a fuck.
Better him than me. Thank God there's people like that.
Yeah, there's people like that out there, and they're so fucking entertaining to watch them fight.
Yeah, and you know what? As much as I made fun of it when it first came out, the slap league.
Ah, you like it?
I like the highlights. I haven't watched the full match, but some of the people in there are characters, man.
Yeah, for sure. If you're going to get slapped in the face for a living, probably be a character. Yeah. It's designed for those clips.
I think Dana needs to spring off. They need to have a separate champ for fronthand and backhand slaps.
Ooh, backhand. slap.
Yeah, they need a backhand slap champion.
If you backhand slap, you got to be dressed like a pimp. You got to have some fly velvet suit on, something just beautiful and purple.
Instead of a belt, it's just a cape for the champ?
Yeah.
Yeah, I like it.
I like it. Yeah, and a crown, maybe, too. Big old pimp crown. I know, a chalice. Big time.
Remember Pimp Suppo's down?
Oh, yeah.
There was a while where like- They won't air shit like that. They would never air shit like that. It's horrible exploitation. And they were like celebrating these guys.
Yeah, HBO, listen, we got to give HBO their flowers.
Yes.
They've made some of the most sensational TV since, I mean, from the time I was a kid- Fuck yeah. Up to now. They probably got, their batting average is higher than every other network, for sure.
Their batting average is sensational.
Yeah, yeah.
So many good shows.
There's more good shows than bad shows on HBO.
Just Succession, which just ended.
Yeah, Succession was great.
Fucking great show. Yeah. Fucking great show. And the ending, holy shit.
Man, you know what?
I clapped in my house. I was like, thank you.
I feel different about the ending every time I think about it.
Well, there's so much there. You're so conflicted because there's no heroes.
There's no heroes. They're all fucking losers.
And that's real. That's the real corporate world.
Think about the fact that, at the end of the day, losing was still them all being rich. Billionaires. Like unbelievably wealthy.
Unbelievably wealthy.
And they were so, because, like I told you, people like that, it's not about the amount of money. They wanted to be CEO. They all did. And none of them ended up being.
And what's the, you know, the whole art of war thing, where it's like never go beyond victory. So when I first watched it, I was like, man, fuck Shiv. She'd rather be under Tom, who betrayed her, than her brother be in charge. But then I thought about it. At the end, it was like the brother fucked up.
And I don't know if this was intentional, but I like to think it is. You never go beyond winning. He had it won. He had it so done. And you stop.
You don't do too much. And when he was, he wanted to gloat one last time in the room. And remember, he excluded Shiv again. He was like, me and my brother was able to bring it across the line. That was her one thing.
Like stop excluding me. I'm smarter than both of y'all. And one last time, and that's when she got up and was like, I got to think about it.
Those characters are so perfect.
Oh, man. It was a perfect cast, for sure.
They're so good.
That show was so well casted.
So well casted.
And what did Cousin Greg end up getting? Oh, he was just Tom's bitch for the rest of his life. Yes. Forever. God, that dude's evil.
That dude's evil.
Yeah, both of them are. Greg's evil, too. Yeah. He's creepy.
Yeah, and he comes off as like this bumbling kid, but he got sucked into it.
He was manipulative from the jump, though.
His granddad tried to talk him out of it. He was like, just be rich and away from these guys. They're not happy.
So crazy.
None of them are happy.
But it's a thing like gambling addicts. I was talking to my friend Sean about gambling addicts the other day. Growing up in pool halls, not growing up, but being in pool halls. when I was younger, that was my first exposure to real gambling addicts. And it is a sickness that's different than anything that I ever thought it was.
Yeah. It is just like crack. Like, these guys, they want that fucking, they just gotta be in action. And that's what they call it. They call it action.
I gotta be in action. They wanna be in action. It's all, money is just gambling coupons.
Yeah, they love the risk of it. They don't, it's not the winnings or the losings.
It's the fucking adrenaline rush and you're watching the game. Did you see Uncut Gems? Oh, yeah. Uncut Gems. Once.
It's fucking great. I can't watch it again.
It's so anxiety, because, like, I knew people like that. I knew people like that. I knew people that blew everything. Blew everything. I watched people blow tons of money.
I've seen it. In pool halls, man, it's like, everyone's a junkie. They're all junkies. You got your players, who are like, they just, they're addicted to playing, and they're also addicted to winning, and they're addicted to making scores. But then you got the line.
people, the people that aren't even, they're not playing. They're fucking betting on the side. Those are the big bets. That's the big money. Sometimes people are playing for $25,000, but there's $500,000 in the room.
These are like big money games in the Philippines, big money games in, you know, like when they get, some guy will come over from Europe and match up with somebody. They'll have these like three-day tournaments where they're playing for $100,000.. But there's so much betting on the side.
But has anyone ever, I wonder if they just sit down and do the math and realize, like, you lose way more than you win.
Yeah, but it's the fucking action. You think you win sometimes, you're going to keep winning. You're going to win again. I'm going to get them back. I mean, that was Uncut Gems.
It was always like chasing after that money. That's what they all do, man. It's wild to watch because it was so scary to me. I was nervous about gambling on pool. Like, I would only gamble a certain amount.
You think it's easy to have a friend with a gambling problem or a drinking problem?
I know a lot of good people that have kicked drinking. I know a lot of really good people that had drinking problems, and now they're awesome. Like, look at Dave Attell. He had a drinking problem, and he kicked it and became, he was already one of the best comics alive when he was a drinking guy, and then quit and got even better. I mean, and he's amazing, and he's amazing to be around.
He's a beautiful person. Everyone loves Dave Attell. Yeah, that's true. So it's like. that's a guy that had a drinking problem.
I know a bunch of people that have had drinking problems. Drinking problems to me is like, it seems like it's more relatable. You want to escape, and it's usually some pain that you're dealing with in your life, some childhood shit or some failure shit.
Something you're avoiding.
Yeah, or it's a genetic thing. Some people, they just have a genetic propensity to alcoholism. It just runs through their whole family.
Dude, I just heard a friend of mine told me about a guy the other day where he has a drinking problem, but he also is an alcoholic. I'm sorry. He's an alcoholic, but he's also allergic to alcohol.
Oh, my God.
So he would literally drink himself into the hospital like once a week.
Oh, my God.
And I was like, right there, that's bad, right there. You got to recognize that shit is like your arch nemesis.
But there's a thing about addictions where it's like even if you know it's bad for you, you keep getting pulled into it.
It's hard to explain that to somebody that's never been addicted to anything, or at least they think they haven't. But, you know.
Dude, I was getting addicted to those nicotine vapes, but not even physically addicted. This is what's crazy. I could put it away and not use it for a week. Like I'd go on vacation, I wouldn't bring one with me, but then, when I got one back, I just wanted to suck on it.
And here's the thing.
Suck it, suck it, suck it.
Oh, there's so many horrible things you said. Me and Ari the other day had a conversation about docking. You know when dudes take their foreskin and put it over another dude's dick. Right. And we were like, we were arguing over who's winning.
You know?
And he's like, I'm sucking your dick. I'm like, no, no, no, I'm fucking your mouth. It was like this stupid, stupid, but I was like, my God.
Why do I always get into conversations like that around Ari?
Oh, he's a maniac. He's going to be there tonight.
Oh, dope, dope.
Yeah, I can't wait to see him. Adrian is there tomorrow.
Paloochie? Yeah. Oh, okay, dope.
Yeah, I love her.
Yeah, she's funny as shit.
She's funny as shit. She's on the rise. You know, she's like a new kind of interesting talent. Yeah. Fascinating person, super fucking smart.
She go hard too.
She goes hard. Yeah. She goes hard on stage.
Yeah, but I've never met her personally. She going to be there tonight?
Yeah, sweetheart.
My fan, Adrian.
I don't know if she's here tonight. She'll be here tomorrow. She might come in tonight. But yeah, I got to meet her during the moon tower. She came by.
Damn, the mothership is so dope. How about Bottom of the Barrel? See, I didn't talk about Bottom of the Barrel at the beginning of the show. Yeah. But it's so much fucking fun.
I look forward to it so much. I was bummed out that I didn't get on stage the second one. But you never know, man. You never know. I've had two premises that I've gotten out of Bottom of the Barrel that became actual bits.
Yeah, every night. And it's a different show every night.
It's so fun. It's so silly.
Yeah, and the crowds. Now we're starting to get to the point where regular people are coming back and back and back.
Yeah, they come back.
It's always different. It's always different.
It's always different. And some of the suggestions are hilarious.
Yeah, I give out prizes if I get a good one.
The fly gun.
It's a gun called Bug Assault. They sponsor our show, and they give us. And the thing is, this is one of those places where they didn't offer to sponsor. I got one, and I was like, everyone should have one of these. I would be their spokesperson if they paid me, because I don't know if I've ever told you this, but I have a real.
My relationship with flies, when I was deployed, my first deployment to Iraq, it was when we didn't have shit going on. We just came over the border, and we were camping in this town called Anumunia. And it had the most fertile soil I've ever seen. It just looked nutrient-rich. I could be wrong.
But we would dig holes to shit in every day. We didn't have any porta-potties, and whoever got in trouble had to bury the holes. But anyway, these were the biggest, most numerous flies that I've ever seen in my life. I learned that they hibernate. Did you know that?
That's probably not the scientific term, but they sleep at night to the point where I would wake up. The tarp we had over there, it would be completely covered in flies, like millions of flies. And you could scrape them off. They wouldn't move. They wouldn't wake up.
Wow. We did it every morning. We killed them all. And every morning, it was full again. Imagine if you didn't kill them.
Yeah, and there were so many flies, and they were starving. Any chance of moisture. So we would eat these MREs. You ever had an MRE? So you know how everybody eats it.
out of the bag, it comes in, right? Right. And so when you open that bag, you had about three seconds to get the food in your mouth. Because it's like they would sense the moisture. And even if you got the bag closing time, they would pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
Wow. Just anything. If you cried, they were on your tears. They were just starving. Oh, my God.
That's why I don't eat outside. You know? Like, if there's too many women in the group, they always want to eat outside. I'm good. I'm not going to come, because I already know the cutest girl is going to go, we should get outside.
And I'm going to be pissed the whole time. The first time a fly lands on my foot, I hate this bitch. You wanted to do this. Right? And so when I discovered a gun that could kill these motherfuckers, yeah.
Do you know? my wife took mine away? Really?
Yeah.
She's like, the whole fucking house is going to be covered with salt. You're going to leave the doors open just so you can kill more flies.
Did I give you the pistol or the rifle?
You gave me a rifle.
Oh, Joe, no, no, no. We got to upgrade you tonight.
I told you she took the right. Yeah. So to hide the pistol.
The rifle, the rifle comes with an infrared sight. Right. And that's, it's pretty cool. It's accurate within, I think, four feet, but it, but you pump it. Right.
And that's cool. That'll knock a fly out of the sky. But the pistols called the shredder, the shredder. Okay.
It comes with a CO2 cartridge. So it's a revolver. So it literally has a little revolver things. You rub it in salt, load it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bug assault shredder.
And you can get a little holster for it. And, bro, when I tell you, cause now that thing, it'll rip a fly to pieces. You hit a fly with that motherfucker and it's dead. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, man.
I need one of these.
Yeah. No, I got you. We haven't, we haven't met the club.
I get fucked up by mosquitoes in my yard because you know, I'm out there doing archery and I'll do it during the day with shorts on, cause it's 95 fucking degrees out there. And I'm out there for two hours and I come inside and my ankles are just brutalized.
Yeah. What do they call them? No see them.
It's made for cockroaches.
Oh, my God. Holy shit.
For big, big bucks.
Bro. It just blows them away. Bang. Let me see. Boom.
Hey, are we shooting salt into your fucking food? No. For the popcorn. This is just such a setup. Oh, that, that guy got fucked up.
Yeah, bro. Boom, son.
I mean, what did they do for this commercial? How did they?
They let those roaches on that stuff. They, they had probably had them in a bucket. They just dumped them on the table.
I'm telling you, it's so satisfying. America, man, I'm, I'm. definitely, I'm giving these guys free game right now, but I'm gonna tell you, there's no more satisfying feeling than shooting one of these motherfuckers out the sky or shooting it off or something. Every time, cause. you know, if you live in Texas, every time you open your door, something flies in your house.
That's just, this is part of living out here. Every single day, something flying is in my house.
Yeah.
And every single day I kill that motherfucker and it feels so good. I have two of those. I have one upstairs and one downstairs. So, no matter where I am, I don't gotta, I don't gotta leave the floor. I go right away and I talk shit the whole time.
I'm like, oh, you think, you think shit's sweet up in here? No, no, no. Anyway.
We got a fire ant problem too.
Oh yeah.
Those little motherfuckers. Woo.
Man. It's very impressive.
The mounds that they make. Those guys go ham.
Yeah, they, Texas is well with the bugs. I feel like every kind of bug in the world is here.
Bugs, snakes. I got a booklet that they sell at the supermarket of, like the snakes from central Texas. Like what's dangerous and what's not.
That's here in Austin?
Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. My friend called me, uh, she goes, what is this? And she sent me photos or videos of two big ass coral snakes in her garage.
And I'm like, those are real bad. Like, get those fucking things out of there.
That'll kill you.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Coral snake can kill you. Yeah.
They usually aren't trying to fuck with you, though.
No, no, they don't. But the problem is sometimes you don't know they're there. Right. And so you're stepping and you step too close to them and they bite you.
And it's a rat.
Especially if you're not looking. You know, you just wander through the woods. God, it's so beautiful out here.
Especially if you don't know what bit you. That's a whole other thing. Oh yeah.
And you don't get to the hospital.
Yeah, you got to get to the hospital with the thing that killed you. You got to know what it was. Right. You know?
I'm sure hospitals out here probably carry anti-venom. Yeah. My dogs got bit a ton of times by rattlesnakes.
Really?
Yeah, my pit bulls. Back when I used to have pit bulls. Oh, yeah. Anything in that yard was dead.
You know, I saw a video the other day. This might not be true. Who knows what you learn off the internet. But cats are, like, quicker than snakes.
Oh, yeah. They're way quicker.
Their reflexes are way harder than snakes.
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