#2169 - Protect Our Parks 12

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radio. Norman's over there stoking it up. Let's go. Um, there's a terror alert. What do you mean?

there's another thing. Cuban subs, Russian subs. Yes. Yeah.

There's a Russian nuclear sub outside of Miami. Yeah. Like outside of Cuba. So it's like 25 miles from Miami. There's a Russian sub.

terror attack. They brought the draft back. You heard? I'm.

gonna send this to you, Jamie. What? Yeah. The fuck did I do?

They brought the draft back. Draft's back, baby. Well, I.

think, I don't think it's, I think you always had to register for the draft. Back draft. I think it was a thing. Just in case. Just selective service.

There's so many, so many made up things clearly right now. The Holocaust. Yeah. I'm just hearing about that. COVID.

earth. Well, there's Ukraine. There's Gaza. Space. Apparently Congo.

my drinks. That's smart. He's got a fucking ledger. He's got a.

ledger. So he can't be talked into more. Norman went up first at the mothership that night and he was obliterated. You repeated jokes like three or four times, but the audience knew, the audience knew what was going on. They caught on.

way too drunk to be on stage. I thought I was killing, but they were laughing at me. You were doing good. No, no, no. You were.

doing great. You were doing good. No, no, no. But then when?

you started set up, they were like, wait, is this another?

we just heard you say this. But you delivered it great. You had a great set. It was funny. We were watching and laughing.

show. We were hammered. We were obliterated. We were also, we.

were right there with you. Yeah. We all drank too much, but what a fun show. What a fun day. What a fucking fun night.

Shane going, I was on after Shane or whatever. And he goes, I found Mark. And I'm like, where? And he just goes to a back hallway and clicks a light on. And it's just, he was in the darkness.

feet away from your puke, sleeping. Right behind the.

stage. It was actually pretty cool. A drunk, Anne Frank. Yeah,

someone could hear you from the stage snoring. Oh no, shut up. I mean, if you snored, they could hear you. I heard you too.

He laid in it. While I was on stage. I heard you two fucking mumbling back there. Yeah. I was like, are you guys hammered?

little. Oh, you guys were in the back having a conversation. Yeah, they're right behind the curtain. Why didn't someone kick?

them out? We were riffing on what people were saying, so we were listening. Yeah, we had to prepare. You guys didn't prepare.

shit, dude. I was at that show. We sure didn't. Fake?

professionals. That was the worst with the store, with the hallway, in the original room. The worst. You would be out there, and you'd be having fun conversation. You wouldn't even realize you're a part of it.

too. Everyone's doing it. You know it's bad when the guy on stage is like, guys, shut up. Yeah, it happens all the time.

too. It's that transition between that festive back corridor, parking lot area. That parking lot is always where everybody gets out of their car. What's up? Oh, I was just in Cleveland, talking shit, having fun.

that. I feel so bad for the door, guys, because they're like, hey, you've cleared this. And he's like, these are all guys I look up to. You have to tell them to go outside. Nobody.

listens. Nobody listens to door, guys. It takes a manager to go.

over. I know. They'll say, you guys got to leave, and all the regulars will go, I know, right? They do. Yeah.

get the fuck out of here. Does that system work? I feel like there's a Mark Maron or a Kenison, and they're like, they were door. guys. This is a legitimate way to get up.

Listen, it can work for some people. It worked for Ari. Me,

It's weird. Like a guy you started with. Like an open mic guy. I'll go back to Philly and see a guy. I'm like, holy shit,

dude. Yeah, they're happier. They're always happy. They're.

always happier. But you feel bad for them. No, I met the guys.

that are still doing it. Oh, you go back, guys that quit. The guys that quit are happier. A lot of them are happy. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Some of those guys, they just bomb forever. So

if you look at a guy who's a door guy, it's a guy who's there is in that spot, you know, that you're just or door gal. They don't call them door gals, do they? They're also door guys. Whores. That's gross.

gal. But they also call them, when they started doing male waitresses, they call them male waitresses. That's funny.

that's okay. You can call me a male waitress. That's a stress test, too. Because if you get mad, someone calls you a male waitress, you're kind of a bitch. Like, we don't care what.

they fucking call you. I would be pissed if somebody called me a fucking male waitress.

They only had females for the longest time. And then they were like, we could have a dude waiter. When did they have a?

dude waiter? I don't remember any dude waiters. They have them.

now. They do now. Yeah. But Mitzi was like, the Holtzman said that at a funeral once. he was like, I don't like this.

up and comers.

When you think about, like, how many comics you started out with that are actually doing it today. Like from open mic, I think I know three.

You remember the ones that are still in? Yeah, the ones that quit.

Holy bird, Fitzsimmons.

I didn't know Burr until later. Burr started like a year or two after me. And I knew Fitzsimmons and I started the same time. We started like a week apart from each other. Damn.

And he quit. Nah, he's great.

Yeah, Chris McGuire. But he doesn't really do comedy anymore. Although he was very funny. He just mostly does like TV projects and shit. Now.

Really? Great joke writer.

Yo, Chris is a great joke writer. He's a funny dude. But so he's like me, Dane. Dane was around back then. And like who else?

How was he at open mics? Was he killing it?

No, honestly, I gotta say, I saw Dane when he was past open mic for the first time. The first time I saw them, I used to do this. There's a place called Dick Dougherty's comedy hut. Dick Dougherty was this like legendary biker slash comedian guy, legendary Boston guy.

Who names these things?

He was a character. He was a fun guy. But he gave me a lot of work. Like. I love that guy.

Easy.

Yeah, that was the show. It was a comedy show. It was. Yeah. The Monkees, like a band.

He was.

Dane Cook and Al Del Bene.

It was a sketch group.

Yep. They would do sketches and then they would each do like five minutes of comedy.

Whoa. Is that Bobby on the right?

That's Bobby. That's hot Bobby. Who's on the left?

Holy shit.

Yeah. So this was, you know, 1990.. It says two. Is that what it says there?

That's crazy.

92.

They thought that was their future. They took a picture for this.

Oh, yeah. Who was Al?

Al's. I don't even know what Al's doing these days. I know he was a stand up.

Does he? I think maybe.

Al Qaeda.

Al Del Bene.

Yeah. He lives in Australia?

I think. I think he married an Australian lady and I think they moved. He's doing stand up there.

So when I met them, that's what they were doing. They were all together. They weren't like doing stand up separately yet. And then they sort of gave up on that and started doing stand up separately.

Damn. You had to make it work back then.

But that was a couple. Yeah. Now living in Sydney, Australia. Boom. Fact's not wrong.

You were just there.

So I guess he's still out there working. But so I know those guys. But that's a couple of years after Open Mic. for me. It was like, you know, 90..

Who do you guys still have around from Open Mic?

Oh, yes, thanks. Sean Patton. But doesn't it feel like those gigs, you had to go out and do some weird, you know, Knights of Columbus bullshit, or you had to do a...

Those were like the best.

Those were the best. Yeah. But people aren't doing those anymore. And then they just put a clip on TikTok. So I don't feel like they're learning that muscle of like, I got to win these mooks over.

I think some people are still doing it. And also, is that a.

good muscle to have? Yeah, I think so. To do a VFW?

Yeah, just to get them.

It's also good to know what that is. Yes. You know, like, it's not. this magic doesn't work in every setting. Yeah.

Oh, that Texas. Oh, yeah. That Texas thing. Bad. It was as bad, it was the worst.

If you were there, I would have fucking.

I was gonna go.

Rogan texted, I was sitting in my house and I got a text, Rogan was like, I'm going to that. I was like, fuck, dude.

Just to watch?

You can't fucking go to this.

Just to be fun.

It was for Texas's, it was like, fundraising for football. And they asked me to do it. I said, no. Then they finally, they got me. I was like, fine, I'll do it.

And the money's great.

Free.

Oh.

I did it for field passes. All right. All right.

That's fine.

And also I'm friends with those people. It was fine. But Tony came and I was like, I'm bringing Tony on stage because I'm going to die. Dude, I went first. It was on the field.

That's the worst.

And it was just round tables. Dude, I went on, it was sunny out. It was in the football stadium. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

600 people at a football stadium.

Now, I wish I got there.

Round table. It was like a wedding. When I got on stage, everyone was standing. Oh my God. I bailed.

Trump impression.

I did like one word and I was like, what the fuck am I doing? I'm sorry.

In the beginning, those, those in the beginning, there's a comedy. I think those gigs, they test you. Well, you don't know about how much you really want to do this.

Football field. You got Hamlin.

Where it was, it was, it was bad.

That's rough.

And then settings are always, and then before we go on, I was like, I'm gonna bring Tony on. And then the guy who was running it, like freaked out. He was like, oh shit. He just saw the roast. So he was like, this guy can't go up there.

Yeah.

He's going to say, he's like, there's kids here. And I was like, there's fucking kids here.

They're like, people don't understand comedy. Think it's like carpentry. Can you hang this shelf? Come here. Tell jokes.

Do a joke about this when you're up there.

A hundred degrees in front of the richest people in Texas. Yeah.

They picture everyone just laughing and having a good time, but no, you got to listen to me. do a bit of a fingering. Yeah.

Literally, they'll fucking laugh to get sucked up by the grass. No one laughed.

Of course.

I mean, I think I saw people laughing. I saw some people laughing. I would have been howling. The, you would have been howling. Yeah.

I would have just the comedian section in the way, way at top in a box seat.

Yeah.

I would have been on the floor.

It's a beautiful moment. Watching a friend bomb hard.

Well, only a friend that you know is funny.

Like if someone's bombs and they bomb all the time, it's pathetic.

There's a specific laugh. where it goes, it goes set up punchline. Then a pause, quick pause. The audience should laugh. Then a half second after.

Go. Ooh.

And I'm like, look, dude, I know I'm bombing dude. Shut the fuck up.

Get out of here.

Oh, he's got the dry mouth.

Isn't it funny how sometimes you, like you, go on stage, it's almost like you enter into a wrong cadence or wrong, just a wrong rhythm, thought process, the wrong rhythm, and then, like, you're like, I, got to get out of this. How do I get out of this and get normal?

I don't talk like this. How did I get stuck?

How did I get stuck saying things in this order?

Actually, that show, I just watched season one of Eastbound down again. And I was literally just talking like Kenny Powers.

Oh yeah.

It was like, good to see you. Motherfuckers made it out tonight.

Oh my God. It was bad out there.

There were kids. And then I brought Tony on stage and we did like tame roast jokes. Like Vince Young was there. I was like, Vince Young, I heard it's your birthday today. You're 41, more like Vince old.

Hey, that's not bad. Can I use that?

It's choices. Like it's. sometimes they go sideways and sometimes they don't. But if you don't follow them, you'll never get those tags. You never get that, like.

Follow the feels.

It's just so funny. Yeah.

It's just, sometimes it doesn't work.

Sometimes you get a warning, the MC's on. I got off. You're about to go on. I'm like, oh, there's a lady on the side. She wants it to be all about her.

I got the warning. They get you.

They're always going to get you.

Just waiting to be called on.

God, there's so many needy people out there. They don't just want to see a show. They want to be needy. Oh, I've met dudes. I've met needy dudes who want to talk to you while you're on stage.

Yes. I did a, I did a show. It was a, it was like a hockey arena show. And this drunk guy, did I tell this last time?

I think it was. possibly, I was black.

This guy snuck behind the screen. So he was just sitting by himself up in the, a balcony or like a, no one was allowed to sit there. He just was sitting by himself and I heard him the entire show. Like any, but he would only talk when I was talking, I would start talking. He'd be like, Shane, I was on stage.

Right.

The second you stop, it stops me.

Like, and then finally he was like, yeah, I looked over.

I was like, oh, he's up there.

And he was like, Hey, I love you.

I was like, oh, there he is. Fucking, kick him out.

We used to get hecklers at the Vulcan that would lean over the balcony and you couldn't even see him. Yeah. There's spotlights in your face. So you gotta, who's up there? What are you talking?

Fuck yeah.

When it's while you're talking.

Yes.

And you're like, I swear to God, I hear something and it's a fucking arena and no one else hears it.

That's brutal.

So I'm just on stage, like, in between jokes, looking around, they're like, God, this guy.

Some people, they shouldn't go to a comedy show. No. They just like, this should be a test.

They took that guy, put him straight in a cop car. Whoa. He drove by himself.

They were like, all right. You can't drive.

The security guard grabbed him. His shoes fell off. Oh my God.

I was like, all right, this guy, it is cool.

I did say, I was like, this guy does actually rule. His shoes fell off right away. He wasn't saying anything bad. He just snuck behind the stage.

It was going, I love you, dude.

He was having fun.

It's so hard to explain to a positive person that they're ruining everything. Yes.

Right.

Especially one with a 70 IQ.

I did a Philly last week. And I had the lady who had the crazy laugh. So she's, she's nice. She's loving the show. She's like, and you're like, you got to go.

I'm like, but you kicked her out.

I had to, it was too much. She ruined the openers whole set. Yeah. So then, when I went on, she's laughing in the middle of setups where you need like a pause, and we had to get her out of there. It was too much.

Was she a crazy person?

Yeah. She was making it about her.

She was doing it on purpose.

I think so. It was way over the top.

It was like the Joker, like, almost like a prank.

Kind of. Yeah.

Or she just wanted you to know she was laughing.

Yeah. It was like fake orgasm chick where you're like, Hey, this is not real. I've never, I have six inches of thin steel here.

Six inches.

Five and a half. I'm all, I'm all vain.

No, but I know this.

All right.

Restaurant.

Remember, I told you this Superbowl thing?

Yeah.

It's the same guy.

No way. Yeah.

All right, go. I'm sorry.

Well, it was just a hell gig of all hell gigs. It was all these rich, millionaire guys. And the guy goes, I'm a huge fan. You got to do this bit, do that bit. I'm like, this is a lock.

I'm in.

So I open up with all the bits and they're all bombing, you know, it's corporate. Had the, like, the Fisher price, Mike, you know, that whole thing. And then I'm bombing. And the guy sitting in the front row going, what are you doing? What are you doing?

I'm like, you're special.

I saw, I'm doing the bits. They're not laughing. I don't know what else to do. So I bombed for a full hour.

What are you doing?

Yeah. I thought helping. I did.

What are you doing? Same show. I encourage your coach.

Oh, wow. Yeah. That's a rough show.

You brought me into a dinner and it was in front of just NFL hall of famers. At a steak dinner table, like a dinner. Yes. And he was like, all right, stand up.

That was it.

Oh, the first time you did it, I was like, I can't, I'm not doing it.

Yeah.

And he was like, he was cool about it. He was like, okay. He was, I realized he really wanted me to do standup.

So I was like, just come to a show later.

I'll talk about down syndrome in front of Jerry Rice.

Come do a show. Yeah. Come do a show. Fuck this. Yeah.

I had one good corporate. It was for the border patrol.

Oh, really?

And they saw me in La Jolla and San Diego, got a club and he's like, yeah, like, do that stuff. I'm like, okay, but corporate. So he goes, they're pieces of shit. Do whatever you want. And I was like, okay, great.

Cops are great. Yeah.

Well, we did that show last year. It was awesome. Yeah. Two shows. Yeah.

It goes with a style.

Yeah.

There's a specific style for it.

It's yeah. If you're like a set up punch joke writer, guy, it's great. But I wonder today if it's even worth doing, it was certainly worth doing like when you guys were doing it.

Not at all.

But today it seems like to develop like a solid five minutes and do it on one of those shows. No one's going to see it.

I got Sam, we were all hanging out, me, him and Sam were hanging out in the cellar and he said he got an offer for a cordon or something like that. And he was like, they're not paying. And then I got to fly myself there.

Also, you're doing stand up on a non stand up show.

Yeah. He goes, oh, I can just get this views on my own. Yeah. Tonight. Right now.

One tick, tock. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a weird situation now where that thing is just evaporated in front of our face.

Yeah. And then they, I'm, I'm doing the tonight show soon, but the guy's like, Hey, we'd love to have you. And I'm like, all right, great. Here's the set. And he's like, Ooh, can you change this and that?

What's funny, because before the internet boner was a no go.

Great video game.

Boner was. boner was never happening before the internet. Oh, never.

It's a funny word, though. Yeah. It's funnier than erection. Boners are on growing pains.

Yeah.

Interesting. I don't think they meant that thing. Same thing though.

Washed up dead.

When did boner become a hard one?

Washed up dead in the shores of Vancouver.

Really?

Boner.

Pull it up. What do you mean?

What are you saying?

He washed up the actor who played boners, the bone. Oh, washed up dead on a beach in Vancouver.

Did he drown?

Yeah. I, I don't know.

A lot of sitcom. guys get fucked. You're lucky, you got out easy.

Well, you know what it is? They start really, no, it's, they start really young. Uh, they start young. That's what it is. They start, they become kids and they become famous when they're kids, which you just can't do.

That works out a lot. Having a child, be an actor.

It is the worst thing you can do to a kid other than like awful things. Kevin Spacey. Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Boner, found dead in Canada.

Whoa, I got two facts. All right.

Body was discovered in a heavily wooded area, about a hundred feet from a foot path to the huge park.

Damn.

How did he die?

Boner in a wooded.

Foul play was not suspected.

I don't know about that. What does that mean? Wooded area is never good.

How did he die then? Oh, look, uh, it's okay. His name is Dick. I've met a bunch.

His name was Dick and his nickname was Boner.

Perfect.

That sucks. Boner used to be just a mess up, right?

A boner. Pulled a boner. It used to be that. What? Yeah.

Right.

They stole it.

Yeah.

We're taking it. Now. they own it. We're taking it back. Gay old time.

What?

Probably from bonehead.

Bonehead move.

The meaning erect penis is from the 1950s. Okay. So the 1950s Boner became a Dick.

I mean, it's right there. Your Dick's a bone. Boner. It's right there.

Sorry. I didn't mean to get hard at the funeral.

Oh, from the earlier. It used to be a bone on in the 1940s.

Follow the trends of Boner. That's what I do during sex. Oh, we got something. No, we don't. Yes.

As soon as the fucking Viagra was invented, it's not a good word in the.

bedroom, though. You know, if you're like, I'm so hard, you can't be like, Oh, you like that, Boner?

Yeah, it's not talking to girls. I got a fucking Boner.

Yeah, that's a drunk.

Couldn't have throws a bad guy.

Using that word is drunk.

Nice boobs. I got a Boner.

He's beer drunk. Really?

All you can use is Dick and cock.

Pretty much.

I didn't want to say it. I've definitely hit a Boner in there.

Yeah.

You drink, you're drinking that Bud Light. You get a Boner. But if you're drinking like 25 year old Scotch, you have an erection.

There you go.

You have a hard cock.

Ice moving around your glass. I've got an erection.

I can't take, yeah, I can't take myself seriously. I can't.

Should be like, I have a hard cock right.

It's gross, dude.

My wife likes the insults and I feel bad.

You said this last time. No, no, no. You told me this before. I'm sorry.

You know, she's like, say shit, say mean shit. But I'm a guy. So I'm like, oh yeah, retard. Yeah.

You know, that's not hot. You don't pay your share of the rent.

You can't cook.

That's funny that she likes that.

Loves it. She's a, she's a wacky lady, but probably real nice. outside of that. Very nice. That's where she gets it out.

Bizarre. She could maybe go to the gym. Yeah. It'd be nice. It's other ways too.

Get in there.

You have to be in fucking hand to hand combat while you're fucking.

Remember those self-defense classes? I felt like every lady took one of those in the eighties and that kind of went away.

I thought he was the Nia guy in the balls.

That was it. Yeah.

I went to one to watch to see what they teach. It was all nonsense. The only thing that they, this is when I was teaching, I was like 21 at the time. I wanted to see it, cause it was at Boston university, I think, which is where I was teaching Taekwondo. And when I was there, um, they, they had like a big blue suit.

Like a training German Shepherds.

And they would yell like, stop. And then they would like drop and kick them in the balls. That was like one of the moves. And then like grabbing with your keys, there was moves where you like, take your keys, you put them through your fingers, like brass knuckles, you know, back then people had a house key, fucking mailbox key, a bunch of keys. You could put them in there and punch people in the face.

None of it will work.

None of it will work.

I just got to get out of that alley.

I had explained to this girl. She was like a hundred pounds with tiny hands. I'm like, you should never try to hit a guy. Never try. You should be, you should learn how to not get hit and how to move, but you're not going to hurt someone.

Leah Thomas is pretty beefy.

Think of trying to be like a, like the type of guy who hits his wife and then you go try to hit her and she can bob and weave.

Well, that's where it is. Jiu Jitsu is the best sport for women. The best martial art to learn for women, because you can be very small, but still, with leverage and using the right technique, you can choke a guy unconscious. I've seen it happen.

Yeah.

My friend Felicia, she weighs like 135 pounds. She's a black belt under John Jack Machado. And there was this guy who's like a porn star. He used to have a TV show on Showtime. And he was going to have this thing where he tried Jiu Jitsu with a girl and she fucking strangled him like three or four times in a row.

Some girl, there's bodybuilder, women. I watch a documentary who get paid on the side.

Sure. it was a documentary.

They get paid on the side.

They get paid on the side, while bodybuilding to like wrestle dudes and like throw them around, and guys love it. Top dollar.

What's the real job? Is it really bodybuilding or is it wrestling dudes? It seems like you're bullshitting. You're saying you're doing it on the side, and that's where you make all your money.

Right.

Bodybuilding is the ad you put out.

How much money do the women bodybuilders make compared to like women who are willing to wrestle crazy, old, rich dudes?

I'm just thinking in general.

I bet there's a lot of money.

Oh yeah.

In like old, rich dudes that want to be humiliated.

Of course.

Fuck are these people?

Where are they?

Who are like, what are these guys doing?

Oh, they're out there, man.

I don't think I will.

A lot of them are like CEOs. These guys that you tell you jokes in front of at these corporate events. Those guys are getting like tied down and pussy and asshole stuffed in their face.

Oh yeah.

They get their balls kicked.

That's the new thing. Cause porn has become so specific. Um, because, like everything's just uploaded for free. So then it becomes like, well, I want to hire these porn stars to do this exact scene. And a lot of it is like burn all my stamps I collected for 40 years.

It's not, but it's not. just like with these old, rich guys, like some of them, they make this deal with a, what they call a humiliate tricks. I had one of them on my show and she will like get a video of them sucking a cock. She'll make him suck a cock on video and then send it to her. And then she will tell him she's blackmailing him, but it's all under safe conditions and she will get him and he will send her $10,000.

That's a great gig for a lady.

Yeah. Financial domination.

Oh, Karen used to do this.

It's a sexual fetish.

Lifestyle activity was so funny. She would get a text. This guy was like, Hey, what are you up to? And she was like, you suck. Send me some money.

It's a lifestyle activity, which is submissive is required to give gifts or money to a dominant. Yeah. Some dudes out there just like to be dominated. Play pig, cash, piggy, fin, sub, human ATM, money, slave, paypigs. The worst though.

Yeah.

Cash piggy is not bad though. Cash piggy.

I could maybe get behind the domination, but as soon as they're like, now, suck some guy's dick. I'm like, Hey lady, we're I'm, I'm not playing this game anymore.

Some of these guys want dirt on them. You know, I think they're all involved in fucking corporate shenanigans and they're probably all criminals.

I don't, I, yeah, I just can't.

And I get the nuts kicked. I can't. Damn. Then I get some dudes, I get shit on.

How do you find out?

I don't get it.

Is there an unlock moment where you're like, Oh shit, that's what I meant. Like an accidental knee punch, you know, like, sorry.

Like, I'm. actually, I bet a lot of it has come out of the internet. I bet a lot of it is coming out of guys watching videos. And it's like, that's what I want. That's what I'm going to start jacking off to it.

I don't like any pain. It's bothering me.

How do you find the lady? How do you find the ladies that do a good job?

I feel like a lady. I feel like any lady.

She finds you like a fucking shaman. Right? Yeah. They find you in the forest.

I dated a switch once.

A hookah? What?

Sub and dominant.

Trans?

And so it'd be like, you choke her in bed. She'd be like, cool. And then we're at a bar. She's like, chokes. She's like, how does that feel?

Sounds like you dated a fucking retard.

It's like, she was like, you, like that? I'm like, it's fine. I can stop you at any point. It's just dumb.

Yeah. Well, some people just like playing games. That would bother. She wanted you to go, Oh my God.

What are you guys doing?

If you guys at the bar and a lady grabbed my neck, I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?

Of course. Get the fuck out of here. We're already fucking.

Was she hammered too?

No, we just started drinking. She was trying to show me her side of it. And they're like, this isn't my thing. It's like eating ass. Like I'll eat an ass.

I couldn't agree more.

Completely agree.

That's wrong for you. Yeah.

This is bad.

When they put your legs up like a toddler. No, thank you. There's a fucking paperclip down there.

Norman, tell us more.

Tell us more.

The old diaper change. It's not pretty.

I couldn't. Yeah. If a lady put my legs up, I'd spaz. Oh yeah.

And you got those big white cheeks with that red hole.

Fuck you, dude. You're the one who got your fucking little gay ass eaten. Don't fucking. try to turn it on me. It felt great.

I was ready to turn it on myself.

I was like, I jogged today. This is bad.

Also, I want to be like, hey, just Google Ari Shafir's ass. Oh, you won't want to be part of this.

There's no need for these activities.

No, no.

Some people just, they go too far, like these humiliatrix people getting shit on.

Yeah. Regular sex is pretty good. And then you come, you go, all right, I'm good.

Don't go too far.

Oh, that's what. Well, you got to keep upping it, you know? It's like drugs.

Yeah. You got to keep going further and further. Yeah. Come on my arm.

I don't know.

I don't know how to do this.

Who are these people?

Have you ever met anybody that's into this? Oh yeah, you know them. Every once in a while, you meet like a guy who likes getting pegged. Yes. That's a tough one.

I can name a few.

Yeah.

But I won't.

Fitzsimmons and I were on a road trip early. I thought you were going to say Fitzsimmons, I was like, what? No, no, no. We were on a road trip early in our career, back when we would do road trips to do open mics. So we were headed to Rhode Island to do an open mic with this dude who didn't make it.

Ah, DeRosa.

Start with the pinky.

I just remember us all being like, what did you just share?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What did you just share? Do we need that? Can we go five? Why 10?? Five's great.

You're right. Yeah.