Tiffany Haddish Returns

And I feel exuberated about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends, I can tell that we are going to be friends. Hey there, welcome to Conan. O'Brien needs a friend podcast. Well, it gives and gives and gives. Sitting here with Sona Movsesian, Hey Sona.

Hi, and, of course, Matt Gorley, what's up? Juicer Well, I'll tell you something, I am the juicer. Just put an orange in me and you will get that sweet, sweet, sweet nectar of the Gods.

I am very happy, I'm feeling in a good mood these days. You know, I just saw Eduardo putting the mics in, he was connecting them before we got started. Isn't it like reporters have, like, a little thing on their mic that says, little signage, yeah, a little NPR thing?

And I was thinking, would we ever have that? would we ever have a little? You know, Conan O'Brien needs a friend signage. And then I started thinking, like, no, around the little microphone part, but then follow this. I started thinking, why does it have to be that? Wouldn't it be cool if it said NASA? Oh, now we're talking.

Do you know what I mean? I like this? Like, there's no reason. First of all, NASA may complain, but I don't think they're going to want that lawsuit. Should we also just dress in white sleeve button-ups with black ties? Yes.

Can we talk about science? No, that's the best part. We still talk the same old gibberish and bullshit that we always talk. But we're wearing white coats and it says NASA, but we're just talking. All three of us get flat tops. I'll get a buzz cut.

Yeah, I will, too. You just want the look, you're not saying anything about, no. But I think it'd just be a cool look online and people would see it. And there'd be a moment of, I should probably pay attention. It's NASA, because I grew up with a real reverence for NASA.

You probably did, too. It's NASA. I didn't, I remembered my well, you don't believe in space, do you?

I don't think space even exists. Yeah, you're a flat earther I am. You think the world ends at Glendale?

Why, Glendale? There's just a drop, hold on while we're talking. Can you just bring up some video of, like, a rocket trajectory or something? yes.

And I'm not kidding, I would say something with telemetry, I would say, here's what I'm thinking. Guys, follow me on this.

Little signage here that says NASA. We dress as if we're talking about real things. Behind us, there's that big, flattened out globe that has the curved telemetry of re-entry. And people are going to stop and they're going to think, I got to check this out, it's important.

Yeah, I'm so sorry. And then it's going to be us. Or Sona dishing on some celebrity that she used the bathroom just after. Do you know what I mean? Those kinds of stories that you tell that are awful.

You're making it seem as though people are flipping through channels where they can see us. This is an audio medium, and then also on YouTube, people specifically click on us. Sona, I understand you used a bathroom recently just after Wink Martindale had been in it. Yeah, wink Martindale.

Well, I'm sorry, yeah, of all the celebrities. Oh, I'm sorry. You're probably going to want some new reference like Ghost Killer McGee. Oh, look, we're getting a blast off right now.

This is exactly what NASA would be watching. This is so cool, that's great, a YouTube video, you know what I love?

I love it. We should just probably search NASA. Let me describe for the audio audience. Imagine that we're wearing white coats. A shuttle has just launched.

I think I'm on to something where, yes, people seem to enjoy our brand of foolishness podcast. It's doing very well, it's a big podcast, but we do little things like that every now and then, and why not? It just changes it up.

Yeah, I think it's totally fine to impersonate government employees. Totally cool to do that. No, no, you know, we have to take this off because Matt is just watching the solid booster rocket. This is amazing.

You better take it off, Eduardo. It's like child-watching Bluey. Could you put on James Bond? No, nothing more, nothing more.

You have such a 60s version of what NASA people look like. We should have white coats. Yeah, have you watched them recently? They're all tatted up.

Yeah, they're cool. Hey, you know what? That's what they were before, I don't think I now, I think it's all SpaceX and stuff.

What is NASA up to these days? The minute when they said, we're going to the moon again, I thought, Huh?

They just.

Actually, something cool is they just recontacted Voyager 1, it was sending GobbleDyGook and then they fixed it and now it's sending back. I had an uncle like that.

I had an uncle like that. He was speaking, complete gibberish. We wrote him off and then he came around and he started talking sensibly again. So they did that. And it's the first, it's the furthest man-made object.

It's the farthest thing humans have ever sent, what, that's billions of miles away. I'm glad you're not a spokesperson. Can you imagine Blay as a spokesperson for NASA?

Okay, today we just sent the farthest.

I mean, it's such a far, you wouldn't know. It's a thing that goes out, but it's Sir, can you tell us, please?

Be specific, it was sending us gobbledygook, it was sending us gobbledygook, and now I'm explaining it in gobbledygook. Yeah, this Voyager 1 was just sending us a lot of B.S, but now it's way, way out there, it's really groovy.

Anyway, I thought by invoking NASA, we could assume sort of more of a serious mantle. Maybe people would take us a little more seriously and it would make the comedy really pop. I think that would only work if we just stopped talking, what like, if we just didn't talk and just sat here looking like NASA.

Because the moment we do talk, it is just a lot of poopoo peepee, give it a shot, try to talk like, NASa. Yeah, yeah, let's hear that Sona, let's hear you.

Do your NASA talk? go ahead. Hey, listen, we're cutting away to NASA now to hear what's. Can I have a prop? Can I have your pen?

What am I going to do with that?

And we have orbits, Yes, we do. How many orbits do we have? I have a couple, I have two orbits.

You're talking about the occipital orbits that hold the eye jelly. We have that, we do the orbit, and then there's a dwarf planet that is Pluto. We call them little person planets now. But it's not even...

Is it even a planet anymore?

What isn't Pluto? Pluto's not a planet anymore. I could care less. Well, you work at NASA.

Oh boy, because I've got....

Wu-tang That's right.

Oh yeah, okay, where I was there with Ghostface Killer, you were with him, he was just with you.

What's that like in the audience together? Yes, oh, okay. I sat on his shoulders.

And that's the sports guy, what's that? Oh, yes, someone's got the ball and they're not giving it back. Get ready for some hot action as these men put on tight shoes and run around, getting grins from the people.

This is the worst opening ever I'm writing down. worst opening ever. You know what's good? You know what I think is the good thing about a terrible opening.

A terrible opening means we'll never go this low again and now we can. You know, when you touch the bottom of the pool and you push back up again, you, okay, Sona, what's the matter? He put so much effort into it.

Oh, I know. And then he stopped, he went into a like a sugar, like a sugar crash. I also like, Can I say one thing? Long after, minutes after we turned off the screen that was showing the NASA footage, I swear to God I'll do an impression.

Gorley wasn't talking, but was still looking at this blank screen, waiting for something else to come. I'm just, I'm just elsewhere, I'm just elsewhere, you're elsewhere, in the best way, anywhere but here.

I'm actually crying, you are crying. Oh my God, don't be sad, it's all fine.

Now you can go home to Altadena now, just don't drive too far, or ah?

Off the face of the earth, peace out, all right. My guest today. My guest today is an Emmy award-winning actress and comedian who has starred in such movies as Girl's Trip and Haunted Mansion. Now she has a new memoir titled I Curse You With Joy. That's a great title.

I curse you with joy, very excited she's here with us today.

I'm a huge fan. Tiffany Haddish welcome.

You have a problem with my skin.

I love your skin color, you are multicolored. Okay, it's beautiful, beautiful colors. You are the color of every human on this planet. Okay, you got all the colors.

I'm just concerned about how dry your skin is. It looks like I could scratch the side of your hand and skin would just flake off. And that tells me you don't have lotion in your bathroom.

She's like, don't touch me, Yeah, don't touch me.

And I was wearing a short-sleeved shirt. And afterwards, they gather around and they're all looking at my arm, all the freckles. And they were looking at me, and they looked up at me, like, Are you going to be okay?

And then you saw a pile of dry skin around my feet, and then it was 555-555-5555, which is way too many, so much to talk about. First of all, I want to congratulate you on your book. I curse you with joy.

How long have you been working on this book for?

You've got to aim higher than hundreds of dollars, hundreds, I mean, we could do that today, hundreds.

And I've learned some valuable lessons, and some of them were hard. But here's the funny in it, like, here's the joy in it.

I didn't have like a blood card or nothing, but definitely there.

I get a lot of blood cards, I just take them. But you were around it and there's a performance aspect to being a Jehovah's witness, right? Yeah, and that you were doing that and thinking, I like this part of it, right?

You took that experience and said, Wait a minute, I really love this part of it. So, you knew, from a fairly early age, I like being in front of people.

I'm not sure, but you know, they're enjoying it. Bringing people joy is my favorite thing in the world. Even if I'm walking down the street and I see somebody coming. You know, you see them and they've got that sour face and they look like they're having the most horrible day. I'll smile at them super big and they kind of smirk back.

And then it's so funny because you can hear them 10 steps later. Like, was that Tiffany Haddish?

You're in the theater.

Me and this guy, we were at the back of the theater and you know, we're making out and stuff. And then he starts, you know, fiddling around, little fiddly-diddly-dee, you know, little fiddly-.

And it's like, Nicolas Cage eyes is looking into my eyes. Yes, like this, like, uh, and I'm like, uh, and whoa?

Okay, so-.

I know my stuff, but I am so like my brain is going back to that moment. Sure, my like, I'm remembering all of that moment and I need to be focused on right now. And it was I was having the hardest time focusing on right now. Because my like, it's the like, oh man.

This is, those are the eyes, those are the eyes we saw, those are the. And it's like, stop it body, stop it mind, like focus on this.

We, they're paying us millions of dollars to be here right now. And I'm like, having the hardest time. And then I just had to tell him and I felt like,-.

It's very inappropriate. I probably shouldn't tell you at all, but I'm not gonna be able to do my job if I don't tell you. And and you might be offended about it, I don't know.

But I, I gotta tell you. And so he was like, All right, Carla, what's going on? and I'm like.

What did you say to him? I was like, I just told him a story about my experience and we've been cool ever since. And like, he's mean, I'm like, he's not mean, he is a nice person, he is a cool person. They're like, Well, that's not what we're experiencing.

I'm like, Well, you don't have no good stories to tell.

Like, Okay, so we was watching this soap opera, right? And on the soap opera, the girl's in a bed with the man and stuff. And I'm like, What are they doing? what are they doing? She said. Oh, that's what you do to make a baby. I said, Oh, I'm going to do that.

She's like, No, you're not not till you're 21.

I'm like, Well, why? And she said, Well, you know, you have to get your vaccine first. first, you got to get vaccinated. I was like, What do you mean?

She said, You got to get the shot? I was like, what shot? she said. Look, men, boys have this stuff, she said. They got enzymes in their mouth, right? and if you kiss a boy, that the enzymes in their mouth. If you don't have your vaccine, it's going to eat your face up, right?

And you're going to die within 24 hours, right? And they got this stuff that shoots out, they pee-pee that look like snot. And if that gets inside your baby carriage, then it's going to like, eat your insides, it's going to kill your baby carriage.

Your leg's going to fall off all this bad stuff and you're going to die in three days and so.

And I'm like, Amber was kissing this boy and she's going to die.

She's like, she is not going to die. See. Her parents knew she was going to be a hoe, so they got the shot for her early.

She got the shot early, she got vaccinated early because they knew she was going to be a hoe. So for years....

They a hoe, like, you know, they not 21 yet, they not vaccinated. Or she probably got the shot early. Her parents knew she was going to be a hoe, and I used to say little stuff like that, like your family knew you was a hoe.

Like, you know, just say little stuff like that. And when we got in health class, got in health class and they're talking about all the different stds you can get. And then I'm like, excuse me, excuse me, what about the...?

And it was, you know, and he didn't like, tell me I was wrong. But he said, you should talk to your parents, right? So I couldn't really talk to my mom at that point because she had the accident and all this stuff that happened. So, you know, I mentioned it to my social worker, the social worker's like, Well, I don't know if that's correct, but I like the way she's....

It's interesting, it's interesting. Okay, right?

Oh my God, yeah, because I didn't want to die of no man in Gina.

No man in my vagina. I want to have an experience before I die. I didn't realize.

No man in Gina. Wow, yeah.

That was something I made up in high school. I don't know if I put that part in the book. I don't think I did because I thought it was too silly.

Don't listen to everybody. If you feel comfortable doing it, do that. fuck them, do what feels right for you, yeah.

And that was like, that was a huge like. That was like my big brother. I love him very much, you know, he's like a big brother to me. And you know the fact that he told me to be myself, like, so used to people trying to tell me to be different, be something else like. And for him to say, like, now this is full house, dad, like, he's telling me, be who you are.

Fuck them, talk about what you want to talk about and do you. It'll pay off in the long run.

And why do all these guys, like, get all this stuff? And that? I talked about that in the book where I put that prosthetic penis in my panties when you're on stage. Yeah, when I walked up to the club and just like walking around with a like a limp dick in my drawers.

Because I felt like, you know, these guys respect guys, they don't really respect women, and it's like, it's really like, hard to get on as a woman. And I don't know, I don't know if I walk different, if my energy was different. But then they started like respecting me and started like talking to me and giving me hugs and saying, Hey, why don't you do this? Can you do? Book my show? Can you do this show over here with me?

I'm booking this show, you want to get on, you want to do this. And I was like, Oh man, having a dick in my drawers really is like making a difference like this is. Maybe this is a boys club. And then, like, it stopped wearing the penis, but kept that same kind of energy.

I wouldn't think.

You're a background, background extra.

A bunch of stuff.

Like, I feel like I've met so many celebrities that have done little things like that, like just to get familiar with the set. Like, it was really important to me to do extra work just to, like, understand how everything worked. I even did, like I worked in the sound department for a little bit, you know, just to learn how. Like. Because my goal is to one day maybe own a studio, maybe, like, you know, be in charge of the whole production. And I need to know, like, what everybody's job is, so that I'm not expecting too much from them. Like, I need to know. And like, if they're not doing their job, then I know like, you're not on your shit. And it's clear this is why.

Because I did it.

Yeah.

I want to snowboard in a movie, I want to, I want to surf in a movie. I'm the Black Gidget, you know, I'm riding horses, that's the title right there.

I want to ride horses.

And at that point in time in my life, I barely could read. I was having a hard time in school. I'm having a hard time functioning just in general, I'm like taking care of my sisters and brothers, I'm stressed out to the max.

And I'm like, that's the ticket. That's what I'll do. That's how I'll make friends. That's how I'll get people to help me. I'll make them laugh and they'll do anything for me.

And that is the way that I was able to make it through junior, high and high school and elementary. All that it was like, I'm going to make friends by making them laugh.

And you later reestablished a relationship with him for a time, yeah.

I don't know what got inside of her, but it wasn't my mom anymore, and she became violent and verbally abusive. And it was like, I just want my mommy back. But I loved her so much, it was the first person I ever loved in my whole life.

It was the first person I ever loved. So I'm going to do whatever I can to try to help her, try to heal her, whatever. She was so mean to me and I wanted to fight her all the time because I wish she would have died, but I didn't really want her to die. It's fucking hard because who is this lady in my mama's body?

Because it ain't my mama.

Why don't you? Why don't you? Let me enough to take care of yourself? Yeah, yeah, fix yourself, get fixed, like, give me my mommy back.

Yeah, yeah, but it don't work like that, no, but I'm glad that I've, you know, been able to do all the things that I'm able to do. And made enough money to get her the best help, the best doctors, the best nutrition, the best of the best.

They're talking about me on the BBC.

That's like my mission.

And I'm going to tell you, I know for a fact, there are a lot of famous women that have been arrested for DUIS. But nobody is talking about it. Because don't nobody care about them? People care about me, Okay, they care.

They care if I take a nap in Beverly Hills.

Eduardo just checked it out.

Take my ass to France.

Let me run that. Now I'm realizing I'm paying money to make this. Half a laugh. This is not cool, this is not going to work for me.

But that therapist ended up suggesting that. I do comedy as a hobby because I had stopped because I needed to make a living, and $25 a show is not making a living. And then I started doing comedy as a hobby. And immediately, you know, Vargas Mason?

We're doing this show, it's like a women's conference, and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, Yeah, he's like, Yeah, it's 15 minutes, you get $50..

I was like, I'm there, bro, I am so there and I get there and I'm doing my thing. And I am bombing. I am bombing hard because I'm doing like all boyfriend jokes and stuff and some dick jokes. And it turns out that that whole room was lesbians.

And they are heckling me.

And I bombed, I bombed bad, but I stayed up there the whole 15 minutes because I wanted my $50. But I wasn't sure if he was going to give it to me because I bombed so bad, it was so bad.

It was bad, bad, like I felt like a piece of meat up there. Just like, Oh, this is horrible. And I go backstage and I'm trying not to cry, and he's like, rough room, right?

And he gives me my $50.

And I was like, Are you paying me anyways? Oh, I'm doing this for the rest of my life. I just got to figure out how to get better and better and better. And that's what I've been doing ever since, getting better and better every chance I get.

And I do make mistakes, and I do bomb from time to time, but that comes. That's the nature of the beast, and every fail is a lesson to be successful. And don't say that shit again, try something else.

It's not just, Oh, that didn't work. I won't say that again, but sometimes it leads to something else.

Don't hit, don't do this one no more, but maybe the premise is good, so try it a different way, rewrite it this way.

I know I didn't wear it, I haven't worn it since 99.

But I will get that small again, I might be 70 years old, but I will wear that crop top one more time.

And I see them wearing it, I want to rip that shit off their back.

And I said, What the fuck is that? And she was like, Oh, it adds like 20 pounds to my walk so that I'll work harder. I didn't know, I thought, I mean, she didn't tell me. First of all. But again, we haven't touched each other in years.

That's her first line of defense against you. Yeah, she said. This protects me, this protects me.

Because I want to, like, walk with that stuff, that's so funny. Me and your wife should be friends.

Well, I did the right thing. Good in your book you talk about, you found this thing called a rage room. I don't know what a rage room is.

But you go to this place, I go to this place called the L.A. Break room in Van Nuys. And they have like crates full of cups and bowls and plates, and you can just throw them against the wall and break them. You can, like they have old appliances in there, ovens, microwaves, refrigerators.

Stove chairs, Oh, this one chair. I fucked that chair up, I took everything I had. It was like, it's better than sex. It's such a great release and I just tore that shit up, demolished it, and nobody is mad at me.

Your whore on drugs was garbage.

And then in apartment buildings and duplexes that I own, I house foster youth in it. I rent them out to organizations that help foster youth get housing and life skills and all that. And they house a bunch of them, but they don't know that I own it. But I do come by a mentor and talk to the kids, and.

Yeah, and really, I'm just checking to make sure they didn't tear my shit.

You're to mentor you and also check up on stuff, give you good life advice, but check that and you know, what's so cool is big. There are these big after parties, after events, like whether it's the Emmys or the Golden Globes or the Oscars. And but after one, you just went, you went back to the neighborhood, yeah.

Why am I home right to south central L.A.

My face was beat for the guy.

But yeah, I went to the event and I took some pictures at the little after party, left from there and like, change my clothes. But I'm like, you know? But I didn't wash my face and I went over there. It's like, Bitch, you know, I'm cute, looking all good. I'm like, Yeah, but let's let me whoop that ass in spades, we playing spades. And then, I guess, I don't know. Some people took pictures and posted, and then the police found out. I was in the community and they came over. And like, we're here to protect you, make sure don't nothing happen to you.

But I'm like, I come over here all the time, don't nothing happen to me like, I'm Queen of the hood? You are not the Queen of the hood.

Well, you keep buying these properties. You are like, Hey landlord, yeah, Lord of the land also.

I don't know if it's in Hollywood somewhere, it. And every now and then someone will be visiting and they'll take a picture and for some reason, it's me. They did it when I was behind a desk and I'm pointing, I don't know why. Like, Conan's big thing is, he points, But people send me these random photos of them posing with this.

It's weird, it's really weird, because what people, I don't know, if they realize this, you know? They take exact measurements, yes, for they take easily a thousand measurements, yes, of every inch of your back, of every inch of your body. And they're like measuring the distance from so that it's a perfect replica mm-hmm of you. And then they like, match your hair, and they match. And so I look at it sometimes and I think, that's just weird, but that's it's somewhere in Hollywood.

God knows, there it is, oh.

I can't believe it looks like they took someone's hand that was holding a gun and just took the gun out. And God, so what, you went through that experience? yes, did you like it when you saw yourself or did you? I did?

No, right, this is not a real human, but if I could make a clone of myself, what she would be cute? Do you know they cloning dogs now?

I did know that, yeah, yeah, and I'm like, if they can clone dogs, then they could clone me. Probably. Do you want to be cloned? I mean, they would have to grow up like a baby and everything.

Are you okay with raising myself yourself? I will raise myself so good.

You can do anything, don't quit, and then I will put her out the house so she can learn struggle.

I will make her camp in the woods at like 13.

I'm a teacher how to read so she don't get her heart.

Yes, she can't read, I don't think I'm gonna let her learn how to read, cuz there's so many teenagers right now, like, the suicide epidemic is crazy in my teenagers. Because they're reading all the stuff that people are saying on social media and they're attacking them and they don't know how to handle it. Because they took bullying out of school, right so now you don't know how to handle just the bullying of words, and you take that personal. Kids, teenagers. I just don't let her have a phone she can read. Yeah, she gonna get a pager.

Yeah, yeah, I'm bringing pagers back, yeah, I'm put a tracking device on her, I.

Gotta go inside.

But I feel bad for kids today because it is really hard and I appreciate it. All my bullies, like, I've sent them little thank-you notes like, Thank you for making me so strong, especially to my mom, that was my biggest bully. And I really appreciate all the stuff that she said and did, even though it was mean and nasty, I hurt my feelings, prepared me for the horrible social media world that we have today.

It doesn't really bother me, but do you read stuff about yourself? Hell yeah, I read stuff about myself. Hello, you gonna sit here and tell me you don't read about you? I don't.

Actually, you don't, you'll back me up on this.

I'm above that, I might get my feelings.

I got a lot of energy and a lot of time to say anything about me. And like, what people like, we should cancel her, she should be cancelled, isn't? She counts? Like, I think to myself, Dang, you took time out of your day to comment on me, which means I shouldn't be canceled. You actually care, you care about.

I'm doing my job as an entertainer and I'm making you feel something, so I am successful in the long run. I beat you, I win, but still I have endometriosis, so on my cycle, I do become evil.

And I do take it back to the 1900s and I do go on there and talk shit about them. Real bad, real real bad. And I have to pray on that, like, please forgive me, Lord, for what I'm about to do, but I have to destroy this fat bitch right now.

But I'm gonna hurt your child, but I gotta, I gotta attack her. So I'm sorry, Lord, please forgive me. You shouldn't have gave me endometriosis. I wouldn't have time.

While I'm sitting here in pain and bleeding, clots and clots blood, I wouldn't be thinking about committing murder on this woman's spirit.

Some people try to say, I'm crazy, I'm not crazy. I have endometriosis, okay, and it causes me to behave in certain ways because I'm in pain. And it's a hormonal and imbalance, apparently. That's what somebody just told me, it's your hormones.

They're in balance. Okay, well, what's the what's the fucking?

Leveler to level out. Fucking hormones keep me from bleeding clots of fucking blood. How am I not dead? How am I still living? I'm amazing.

That's why I'm a fucking superhero. all women are superheroes. We all are amazing creatures. We bleed for days and days and days, and don't die let a man bleed for two days.

Yeah, he's dead.

Especially if it's not the tip of his penis. Yeah, I'll kill himself. He's like, it's broken forever. I'm done, I can't do this. Let a blood clot come out of dick.

It's a wrap.

Don't let a blood clot come out of my dick, I'll give you anything.

What is that? And I was like, I wish it was an STD. I wish I could give you endometriosis, how you out here with endonutrimosis, I wish I could give you inflammation of the nuts. Where all your wrinkles come out, your balls, the blood clots come out the tip of your dick.

He's like, That sounds so painful. Why would you wish that for somebody?

I'm looking for good credit and Ein numbers hello.

Medium, for me, is aspirational.

You want to be a medium?

But you got a wife, so I'm sure she's happy with what you're working with.

She's crying, and then she goes, She's like, Oh, you know, actually, there's a lot of money coming in.

That's when you're supposed to make a wish.

You are a good Lord, you are a tornado of funny, you are so funny and it comes from such a real place, and you're beautiful. And God. When you show up, I don't have to do anything.

I don't do anything every now and then, a little poke.

There's levels to it.

I represent every color, yes.

And God bless you. Seriously, you talk about how in your life you try to do positive things and you do so many positive things. And then you come into this room and we talk to everybody and I'm just dying. You just make me so happy.

Wife doesn't have to know.

I'm gonna invite you to game night. I'll be having this game night in one of my properties. It's a good time. Have you ever been to South Central L.A. Sure, we gonna see.

It's a gated estate.