'Animal,' Episode 4: Ferrets

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Hey, it's Michael. Today. we have something really special for you, a blissful break from the news. It's a new series from NYT Audio called Animal. My colleague Sam Anderson from The Times Magazine traveled the world to have encounters with animals, not to claim them or to tame them, but just to appreciate them.

Where are we?

Is this actually where...

Yeah, I think we're here. This looks pretty sketchy.

Turn right into the parking lot, then arrive at your destination.

What? What do you see? That license plate. The license plate says ferret. What?

Ah!

It's happening! My people! Okay, let's go check in. I'm going to be honest with you. I'm a middle-aged man.

Oh, we're not done yet.

It's August, and I've just arrived with my colleague, Crystal Duhaime, in Columbus, Ohio. Which, at this moment, happens to be the most ferrety place in America.

People come from all around. I came from Minnesota.

Because ferret enthusiasts from all over the country are pouring in for one of the major stops on the national ferret circuit. A competition called the Ferret Buckeye Bash. Basically, imagine the prestige of the Westminster Dog Show. But instead of beagles and Pomeranians, it's just hundreds of ferrets. I'm sorry, this is a rolling tower of ferrets.

There's four in here, two in here, three in there.

There's brown ferrets, albino ferrets, ferrets lounging around in miniature hammocks, and snuggled up in comfy little beds.

This is Phineas Weaselton. He's really long.

Did you say Phineas Weaselton? Yeah. And before I know it,

You should see what I've got in my car.

I want to see what you've got in your car. I'm helping her and her ferret friends unload.

Raw meat. Well, this is salad and chewies over here.

Some of the cages we're unloading are littered with bones and carcasses of, like, whole dead birds. Why is this ferret bald?

They have adrenal disease, which is common, especially in martial ferrets.

This might be the place to mention that ferrets can be pretty polarizing pets. People who love them, like me, really love them. And people who don't love them, which is probably most of humanity, really do not love them. Wait, what happens if I put my fingers in that bottom cage?

He will probably bite you. To the bone.

To the bone. What? The word ferret comes from the Latin for little thief. They were domesticated basically yesterday, historically speaking, around 2,500 years ago. Just for reference, dogs were domesticated more like 20,000 years ago.

Hey, how are you? Are you guys checking in?

Yeah.

Awesome.

Which is why I've come all the way here to the official hotel of the Ferret Buckeye Bash. You guys have a good weekend.

Thank you so much.

Because this hotel is filling up fast with chaotic ferrets and ferret people. One of whom has agreed to help fulfill my childhood dream by initiating me into the ferret lifestyle.

Hello. Hey.

Hi.

Look at this guy. Hi. This is Millie, Mildred. Hi.

Look at this lady. But the first ferret we meet is actually a large dog.

I'm sorry. Yeah, I just adopted her on team day, so we're still kind of getting to know each other. Whoa. Yeah.

Hey, I'm Sam.

Hi, I'm Erin.

Erin Ehrman just drove here from upstate New York. Many hours in her tiny car, with not only Millie, her newly adopted dog, but also her friend Karen and, of course, her ferrets, whose cages are now wedged around the room. There's one by the microwave, one by the coffee maker. Well, should we meet some buddies?

Yeah, you can.

This is Erin's first time competing in the Buckeye Bash.

Yes, this is Genesis. Genesis.

Genesis looks exactly like the ferret of my childhood dreams.

She's gorgeous, right? Yeah. Look at me. Here, actually, you want to hold her? Uh-huh.

Hey, sweetie.

Hi. Hi, my ferret. She's so slithery. You know. that classic thing they do in movies when they want to show something, is beautiful?

She is probably my favorite. Don't tell the others.

Genesis is also the key to Erin's ferret future, because Erin wants to breed ferrets.

So if I could have, like, just a whole line of ferrets that have her temperament and her structure, I'd be very happy with that.

She has such a sweet face.

I know.

So is she your big hope for the competition, Genesis? Mm-hmm.

Um, for him, he's just going to show because he's going to show.

This is when we turn our attention to the other competitor in the room. So this is Gooseberry.

Um, he is...

Gooseberry. Yeah, Gooseberry. The yin to Genesis' yang.

Goose. Yeah, Mr. Goose.

This ferret is light brown and weirdly small.

But he's still a juvenile, so...

And where Genesis is calm and thoughtful and seems to be reciting poetry in her mind, Gooseberry is an absolute freak.

He's trying. He's trying his darnedest to get out.

He won't stop moving, thrashing around in circles, biting the bars of his cage. What are you doing, crazy? What are you doing with your claws? Gooseberry is of Hungarian descent. And at six months old, he's technically an adolescent hob.

Did he try to take a bite out of the mic?

He grabbed the mic with his paw. Mine! What kind of animal acts like this?

A ferret.

As Gooseberry works on destroying his cage, there's a knock on the door. This is just chaos everywhere.

Sorry, we'll be quick. I know you must be tired. No problem.

Okay, so here's your baby's paperwork. Oh, thank you. Thank you. It's a ferret delivery. I had no idea you could get a ferret delivered like a pizza.

Oh, come on. So this is the first time I'm meeting this guy.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, you have a pretty head. Yes, you do.

Oh, he is a beauty.

He is a beauty, right? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, gentle.

He's biting you sweetly? Yeah.

Um... Okay, so I grew up in California, and they're not legal there. So I didn't actually come into contact with a ferret until I was an adult and moved out of California. I didn't hold one until 2019, and the first one I held was Mr. Groot Groot, and I had to have him.

A ferret would get right into that hole.

Exactly. Absolutely.

I also have a ferret-shaped hole in my heart. My childhood was kind of chaotic. There was a divorce and a bunch of step-parents, and we always seemed to be moving, including a big move from Oregon to California, where ferrets are illegal. And so every summer, when I'd go back up to Oregon to live with my dad, I would see the ferrets in the pet stores, and I would beg him to get me one. And he would say, no.

I think they're grounding for me.

Grounding.

Which is ironic, because they're very crazy, right? They're kind of off the wall.

But it's like you really have to be there with them.

Yeah. In the moment. Yeah, you have to be in the moment. They're very in the present moment.

He turned himself upside down and bit the bar. It's like hanging upside down from it.

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Hey, breakfast sandwich too. Oh, thank you. Erin, how do you not have a ferret vanity license plate?

I really, if I get a SUV or a wagon, I want to call it the woozle wagon and like, have that on the back of it as a decal and then like woozle one as the license plate.

The next morning, we meet Erin in a parking lot at the Ohio State Fairgrounds. Oh, I just noticed your earrings. Those are great. Erin is all decked out in ferret gear. Earrings, t-shirt, purple ferret boots.

Now you can see her in the full light.

Yeah, really. Look how clean and perfect she is. Gooseberry, you, is also there. I can't even talk to you.

He loves you, look at him. He's not even biting.

I know, he's very calm this morning. He's in game shape. Yeah. Oh no, there he goes.

Oh yeah, that's going to happen.

There he goes.

All right, let's get him checked in.

We are a real parade of animals heading toward the hall. Erin, carries Gooseberry, I carry Genesis, and Erin's friend Karen is walking. Millie the dog. How are you? Good, are we going in that way?

You know, no animals are allowed in here. Dogs are allowed in. No dogs are allowed in. Oh, that's pretty obvious. You can't have a dog in the ferret show hall.

The woman in charge of the ferret show, Scarlett, is saying that Millie has to go.

That will set all the ferrets off.

Okay.

We don't want them biting the gems.

And as we're standing there clutching our animals, Go ahead. You can go. the line behind us starts to back up.

Do you know how many ferrets in there? don't even know what a dog is? And you know how good their smelling is?

And I am finding this extremely stressful.

So it sets them off.

If you need me to do it, I'll do it. This is your gig.

This is what you do.

That's when Erin's friend Karen very stoically announces that she is going to walk Millie back to the hotel. Nine miles. That's a long walk. Halfway across Columbus, Ohio with this dog she just met. And she takes the leash and just heads off.

Okay, where are we? Where did you say we were? Jamie's leg.

I'm over somewhere. So, with the dog gone and feeling slightly shell-shocked, we are finally allowed to enter the hall where we meet up with some of Erin's ferret friends.

This is Roy.

Hello. Nice to meet you guys.

No. Because I have no idea what's going on.

Everybody will get yelled at by Scarlet.

Everybody, yeah. It's like a... It's just a thing.

Just wait your turn. So she's famous for this.

Yeah. She's really nice. She's just very aggressive.

Oh, interesting. Yeah.

You just kind of have to take it and keep going.

That's kind of perfect, because ferret owners are the people who could do that. the best, right? Yeah. They actually all take it very well. Yeah.

I just nod and smile because I really don't know what the hell is going on.

So, yeah. You seem... I have to say, you seem comfortable, existing in a level of sort of chaos.

I do?

Yeah. Oh. You seem chill and stuff's going on all around you. You don't quite know what's going on.

Probably because I took my anxiety meds today, so that's good.

Okay.

I take Lexapro, so it's like...

Yes!

I had to get mine increased recently, actually. So I'm good now.

How many milligrams are we talking?

A 20 milligram.

Okay, I'm on 10..

Good. Good times.

Yeah, you do seem very chill, though. Like, you're getting yelled at about your dog. You're fine. It is what it is. She's yelling at us about the line.

I think that as I get older, I just care less. So that has something to do with it.

There is that about getting older that I like. I felt that in my 30s, for sure.

Yeah, just kind of, eh, okay.

Now I'm in my 40s, and I'm like hardly even present on this earth. I'm just like a floating consciousness,

I don't know. Um, I don't... I think they start judging at 10, so...

Oh, really?

I think so.

Probably wait.

Oh, a schedule. Okay.

There are so many ferret categories. Just blizzards of categories and subcategories. But there's really only one that matters to us. The big one that Genesis will compete in.

Breeder. Breeder. That's her.

Three to six. Three to six. It's going to be a long day. I know. Which means I have approximately seven hours to marinate in ferrets and try out the whole ferret lifestyle.

I feel like, oh, these are kind of my people.

Ferret. people are their own special breed.

It's always good to get together with a group of ferret people. And everybody's so kind.

Anyone can own a cat or a dog. She has ferrets on her shoes. She's got so many ferret pins on her hat. But ferret owners take things to a whole different level.

I've had ferrets since 97.. 86.. That was my first ferret in 1982.. And then, after that, I got more, of course, because there's ferret math, as you can ask any of these guys. You start out with one.

20..

That's low for me. They're really cute, and they're fun to play with.

He just came up to me, and he was just loving and just really cute. I started playing with Muskie for 10 minutes, and I absolutely fell in love. The love ferret people have for their ferrets.

I love my little golden nuggets.

It is a special love that can lead to some pretty wild situations.

I set up a baby pool.

Like, filling a pool with Cool Whip.

And the next thing you know,

we let the ferrets go.

in this Cool Whip.

Of course, some of them just left.

But after a while, you've seen them coming up through the Cool Whip and down through the Cool Whip. It was chaos. It was absolute chaos.

So are you all judges?

Yeah. We're board members, past presidents. She's current treasurer, and I'm in charge of shit.

At one end of the hall, up on a stage, sit two official-looking women, Sally Heber and Vicki McKimmy. And today you're judging.

Yeah, we're judging.

They've been working together in the ferret world since the 1990s, and their official duties have taken them all over the place. Japan, Australia, Germany.

Flights paid. Hotels paid. We helped the folks in Japan set up their organization.

Sally and Vicki helped establish the American Ferret Association's official judging criteria.

We wrote the standard in a perspective of what did nature mean it to be.

And it gets pretty detailed.

So what we're looking for is...

They're looking at every little bit from snout to tail.

...structure of the ferret, so we're actually feeling all the bones. And then we go into the muscle mass. This is very important.

Hundreds of ferrets will pass through the expert hands of Sally and Vicki today, including Aaron's ferrets, Genesis and Gooseberry. What's the rules on biting?

Dequeued. Disqualified. If they puncture, draw blood, they're out of here for all three judges, regardless if the other judges have seen them or not.

This is a long day for you. A long, focused day. Is it exhausting?

Yes, it is. The pool at the hotel closes at 9.. I'm going to be back there. Get back in the hot tub. My wife is calling me.

Yes.

And then Genesis is up more than two minutes? I have no idea. Yeah, because they're running behind, so I don't even know anymore. I am a little concerned because I have an appointment to get to at 7.30 today, so I don't know what I'm going to do.

At what time, 7.30?.

Yeah, and Goose...

In the middle of all this...

I've got to go get a car.

Erin tells me that she has decided to buy a car today.

I acquired another ferret while I was here, so... And then I was thinking to myself, where is it going to go? I hadn't thought that far, to be honest with you, and that's a little embarrassing, but I figured it out.

And you had not planned this when you left New York? No. I mean, it was on the back of my mind. My car is almost old enough to vote. It has a giant rust hole in the side, and I still cannot bring myself to buy a new one.

It's a Hyundai Santa Fe Sport 2013..

This has already been, by far, the most ferret-y day of my life. And yet, as the hours crawl by... One, go! ...it keeps getting exponentially more ferret-y. We watch a tube race.

Look at the big ferret! Look at the big ferret!

And then we peruse the infinite merch tables. You going to buy any merch? So many T-shirts to choose from. I'm definitely going to buy a shirt. I think I'm going to buy the introverted, but willing to discuss ferrets.

Revenge of the Ferret.

By late afternoon... Listen up, we're looking for Breeder Hobbs. Things are so far behind schedule that the schedule might as well not have existed. And I've reached a point I didn't think was possible.

So you're ready now? Maybe. Maybe? Maybe. Maybe next season.

Yeah, I'm scared to get a ferret.

Why?

Maybe I'm not up to it. All the energy it takes and all the like... Because I get, like, you know, anxious and like overwhelmed and like depressed, and then this ferret needs me.

Okay, so I get anxious and overwhelmed, and depressed too, and they help. Remember, we take the same pills.

Yeah.

Just different dosage. And the way that you handle and you look at Genesis, I think you'd be a good ferret dad if you wanted one. But no, if you get one, you know, you gotta get three. Three's, the magic number.

I thought two was kind of the magic number.

No, because two is harder, because then they'll bond together, maybe, and then, if one of them dies, the other one gets really sad and it dies shortly thereafter. So if you have three, it's just a better life. Huh. Yeah, I would say three. Three is like having one, but better.

Looks like we're ready.

for the rear gills. It's time. Is it time? Rear gills.

Finally, it's time for Genesis to be crowned, the greatest ferret ever to live on planet Earth. We head to the stage where Sally and Vicki are working their way down the line.

Number? 613.. Hey kitty.

And then they get to Genesis. Here goes our girl.

Easy, easy, easy. Don't get all excited. It's all fine and good.

There's like a maraca portion of the judging and a rubber duck portion.

Don't give him squeakies.

I feel like she responded well to the duck.

That's like silk. I know. Her fur is gorgeous.

As we wait for the scores to be tallied, for the finalists to be called up... It's like Erin is over there getting all packed up. I see Erin leaving the hall. Yeah, there she goes. She's coming back after she gets her new car.

for Breeder.

501, 503, 506, 507...

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501, 503, 506, 507... I'm standing clenching my sweaty fists as the announcer calls back all the ferrets that have placed in Genesis's category. Genesis's number is 613.. 609, 611, and 612..

Ow!

Bit my arm.

In eighth place, it's nine and five.

Vicky starts calling out the winners, countdown style.

Four, oh five. Sixth place is nine, oh four. Fifth place is one, oh one.

It's happening.

Fourth place is nine. oh one. Holy crap.

There you go. Second place. In the final competition of the Buckeye Bash, Gooseberry, the world's most ferrity ferret, has won second place. Yeah, okay, okay, okay. Okay, buddy.

Second. Awesome.

And Gooseberry and I get our official Buckeye Bash photo. Congratulations, guys.

Alright. Thank you.

Cool. Congratulations. Thank you.

Have a great evening. You too.

She says she'll be wrapped up with paperwork for a while and asks if I will take the ferrets back to the hotel.

Hey.

Which, of course, I'd love, nothing more.

Second place? Yeah, we did it. Holy crap.

Look at you. Oh my gosh. When we meet Erin, I tell her everything. So that's all your ribbons. I have my ribbons.

Yeah, I was going to say, are you going to give that one up?

And then I reluctantly surrender my ribbon, which I was hoping she would let me keep.

Thank you. Thank you for doing that for me, for being there.

Pleasure.

What is that? He's tired and hungry.

We all say goodbye,

and when I leave,

my ferrets stay behind.

Can AI give us a window into the hidden parts of the natural world? Google Cloud AI is helping identify whale songs to keep humpback populations safe, monitoring bird calls to protect their environment, and mapping the abundance of species to assist in conservation efforts worldwide. From ecology to enterprise, learn how AI from Google Cloud is redefining what's possible at g.co forward slash cloud.